Ann Tardy – Page 6 – MentorLead | The #1 Healthcare Mentorship Solution

[Flash] When Your Mentor Eats Crow (How Author Amor Towles Amazed his Mentor)

Amor Towles, the author of one of my favorite books, The Lincoln Highway, was interviewed by Jenna Bush recently at the Aspen Ideas Festival.

During the interview, Amor shared the influence his Mentor has had on his success…

While at Yale as an undergrad, Amor took a seminar with his hero, writer Peter Matheson, who enthused, “Based on the three stories that you’ve submitted, Amor, I think there’s a possibility that you may be gifted at writing.”

Amor reflected, “That was a major turning point in my life.” It was the first time an outsider – someone who Amor admired and respected – acknowledged his talent.

Peter continued to mentor Amor in the years following graduation, encouraging Amor’s writing pursuits.

When Amor finished his first draft of Rules of Civility, he sent the manuscript to Peter with a note: “I feel really good about it. This is the first book I’ve written that is worthy of submission, and I’m interested in your feedback. It’s about a 25-year-old woman set in the 1930s.”

Peter responded brusquely: “Amor, I can’t understand why you continue to write about the 1930s. To be honest, this is a terrible thing. And I find that spunky, opinionated, witty women are boring in fiction.”

Amor was undeterred. He fine-tuned his book and sold the publishing rights at auction.

When Rules of Civility hit the bestseller list, Peter sent the following note:

“This is what we call eating crow. My sister, who’s one of the greatest readers I’ve ever known, said that the minute your book ended, she was sad it was over and wanted to start again. That’s as much as you could ask of a book.”

Amor reflected that having his Mentor dislike his manuscript was almost as valuable as having his Mentor validate his talents at age 19.

“It meant that this book worked even though my hero didn’t like it. It was a lesson to me as an artist that I have to have confidence in my work, even when my mentors or my friends don’t care for what I’ve created.”

Mentors don’t have all the answers – their value lies in recognizing and supporting our potential as we find our own answers.

The edge we get from mentoring is confidence. And that confidence gets revealed when we start believing in our work when others don’t.

[Flash] Wisdom from the Cornfield – Great Corn Comes from Great Mentors

In his book How to Talk Well, author James F Bender shares the following story:

There was an Indiana farmer famous for growing the finest corn in the valley. Year after year, his corn won the blue ribbon at the State Fair for “Best Corn.”

One day, an enterprising reporter made an interesting discovery while interviewing the farmer – he learned that the farmer shared his seed corn with his neighbors.

Stunned, the reporter asked, “How can you afford to share your best seed corn with your neighbors when they are entering corn in competition with yours each year?”

To which the farmer replied, “Why, sir, don’t you know the wind picks up pollen from the ripening corn and swirls it from field to field? If my neighbors grow inferior corn, cross-pollination will steadily degrade the quality of my corn. If I am to grow good corn, I must help my neighbors grow good corn.”

In mentoring, we share our best knowledge, experiences, and insights to enrich others, helping them grow stronger. As the farmer demonstrated, doing so doesn’t threaten our success but sharpens and strengthens us.

If the farmer had hoarded his best seeds, cross-pollination would weaken his corn. Similarly, if we hoard wisdom, we not only limit our potential, but we also threaten the caliber of our team and organization.

Leaders regularly ask me about the return on investment (ROI) of mentoring – can I help them justify the costs associated with launching a formal mentoring program? And of course, I have a slew of literature, metrics, and results that point to the indelible impact of mentoring.

But shouldn’t we also be considering CONI – the cost of not investing? Because the cross-pollination of unmentored team members leaves its own lasting mark. As the farmer noted, inferior corn outlasts a single season, thereby undermining future crops.

Mentees are a reflection of our investment in their success. Only when they thrive can we possibly win “Best Corn.”

[Flash] Nudge vs. Judge: Is That Enough Weight for You?

I was in an Orangetheory Fitness class last week lifting weights, when Instructor Jen asked me with a knowing but encouraging smile, “Is that enough weight for you?”

She knew I could do more. And when she wondered it out loud, I realized I could do more, too. So, I picked up heavier weights.

She was nudging, not judging me. She was inviting me to see what she sees – a stronger version of me.

Instructor Jen cleverly used the Proposal Question to communicate her belief in me to reach for more while leaving the decision to take action in my hands.

When Peter Cuneo, former CEO of Marvel Entertainment, was interviewed on the How Leaders Lead podcast, he reflected:

“I’ve had people who came into my life at certain times who believed in me even more than I believed in myself. I’m not lacking self-confidence, but there were certain heights I just didn’t think I could reach. And they pushed me, encouraged me, and I made the effort just to please them, never thinking I’d get there. And they all worked out, actually.”

While research shows that we view advice as more valuable when we ask for it, our blind spots often cause us to miss opportunities to seek the nudge we need to stretch, reach, and grow.

And even when we know we need some support and encouragement, our pride often prevents us from asking, “Instructor Jen, could you encourage me to lift more?”

So, we count on people like Instructor Jen to notice opportunities to encourage us.

(More arguments for the power of the formal mentoring structure: mitigate the trappings of the ego and create opportunities to intentionally notice and encourage others!)

But the words these Mentors choose will determine if we receive that nudge with gratitude or a grudge.

Luckily, the Proposal Question operates stealthily – an invitation cloaked in a compliment.

It whispers, “I believe you could do more or do better. Want to try?”

The Proposal Question works by suggesting possibilities. Ultimately, the power to choose to do something and the ownership of any action remains at all times with the Mentee.

Is that goal big enough for you?
Is that dream compelling enough for you?
Will that plan stretch you?
Are we thinking broadly enough?
Have we explored all the career options?
What about…?
What if…?

Believing in people’s greatness before they do supports their ego, which then strengthens the trust they have in the relationship. Bottom line: we tend to like people who believe in us.

A little nudge goes a long way!

[Flash] There Are No Evil Mentors

[from the archives! originally published in 2019]

Sometimes, mentoring program leaders worry about the caliber of their available Mentors. They typically ask me:

How can we prevent inferior Mentors from destroying our program?
How do we ensure that disengaged or disciplined employees do not mentor?
What should we do if inexperienced Mentors volunteer?

My response: Mean people don’t mentor.

I have worked with Mentors for 20 years, and I’ve never met one determined to ruin a Mentee or a mentoring program.

The reality is that disgruntled folks don’t bother to sign up to mentor – they barely want to come to work! It’s discordant to be disengaged and engaged simultaneously. Even when these people are voluntold to be Mentors, they typically find an excuse to escape.

No one joins a mentoring program intent on wrecking the program or a Mentee. People participate because they genuinely want to contribute, not contaminate.

Could they fumble and falter? Sure!

But being a Mentor is as much a development experience for the Mentors as it is for the Mentees.

Here’s the secret: people learn how to mentor others when they actually start mentoring others.

Sadly, most people cower from the challenge because they feel inexperienced, untrained, and unprepared to mentor others. Understandably, they don’t want to fail. But Mentees can be very forgiving when Mentors demonstrate vulnerability, commitment, and authenticity.

A senior leader once declined to participate, confessing, “I would love to mentor, but I don’t know how.” While his vulnerability was refreshing (…most people just say, “I’m too busy!”), it was a missed opportunity for him and the organization!

How can we encourage more well-intentioned people to mentor others? Make it easy to say, “Yes!”

Clarify expectations – what does success look like?
Offer training, conversation guides, and evidence-based tools
Provide Mentors with leadership development
Offer opportunities to practice mentoring
Organize roundtables to share best practices
Nominate people to be Mentors – a personal nudge is potent
Recognize Mentors in your program and your organization
Solicit testimonials and success stories from past Mentors

There are no evil mentors – just unpracticed people who want to make a difference.

[Flash] Buddha’s Mentoring – We Need Each Other to Make Sense of Our Experiences

The following parable is attributed to the historical Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama:

“A young woman’s only child had died. Consumed by grief, she carried the child’s body through the village, begging for a cure to bring him back to life.

The villagers were scared – she was inconsolable!

She cried out to them, “Isn’t there anyone who can help me?”

They sent the woman to the Buddha.

The Buddha said, “Yes. I’ve got medicine for you.”

He continued, “To make this medicine work, however, you must bring me a mustard seed from a home that has never experienced death.”

So the woman went door to door talking to everyone in the village and asking for a mustard seed – a common item. At each home, she found a mustard seed, but she also learned that they had each confronted loss – a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend.

In time, she understood the Buddha’s lesson: grief isolates us, but it can connect us. Compassion and wisdom come from a shared human experience.

When we face a challenging time, we often feel isolated, overwhelmed, and resigned to navigating the situation on our own.

But we’re not alone – we’re relational beings. Who we are in the world is deeply tied to our relationship with others.

As author and psychotherapist Mark Epstein explains, “We know ourselves through the reflection [of others.] We are constantly in relationship to our world. We’re not separate from the world.”

In our mentoring programs, I’ve observed that Mentees typically respond to unexpected challenges in one of two ways:

Some Mentees quickly disengage from the program, abruptly ending the relationship with their Mentor, citing overwhelm.
Others choose to lean into the mentoring relationship, actively seeking advice, support, and guidance as they manage their new circumstances.

Just like the woman in the village, those who lean in for support quickly discover that they are not alone – grappling with unexpected change is a shared human experience.

By engaging with their Mentor, they find much-needed compassion and wisdom as they work through their situation. And in the process, their frustrations, uncertainty, self-doubt, and fears are normalized and validated.

Epstein reflects, “We need each other to make sense out of our experiences.”

According to the African philosophy, Ubuntu, a person becomes a person through other people. Personal growth is not developed in isolation but nurtured through communal relationships.

“I am because we are.”
~ Ubuntu expression

[Flash] Stand Near Closed Doors and Knock (Mentoring from Hootsuite CEO)

When Author David Novak interviewed Irina Novoselsky, CEO of Hootsuite and former CEO of CareerBuilder, for his podcast, How Leaders Lead, she shared some invaluable advice.

Irina began her career in investment banking at Morgan Stanley, and then deliberately left finance to pursue a role on the operational side of business.

Upon leaving, Irina embarked on a 9-month journey interviewing 100 CEOs. Irina viewed it not as a job search, but as a leader search. She interviewed CEOs to learn from them!

She shared her strategy: Every day at 7am, I would set up meetings and say, “Here are the questions I have. What are your responses? How would you answer this?”

Why did she orchestrate her journey in this way?

“I was looking for a person who I could learn from, who had similar values to me, who had a similar approach, and who I wanted to emulate. I took my time to find somebody that I wanted to learn from, who was aligned with what I was looking for.”

She reflected, “Of course, [these CEOs] thought they were interviewing me. They probably didn’t realize that they were mentoring me.”

Irina revealed, “Where I’ve had success with mentoring is just bringing interesting people into my world of problems.”

An immigrant from the Soviet Union, Irina set her target on investment banking during college because she learned that banking pays graduates the most money.

The problem? They don’t hire freshmen.

Undeterred, she grabbed a back-office job at Morgan Stanley that summer to thrust herself into the investment banking world.

Once there, Irina spent evenings brazenly emailing Morgan Stanley Managing Directors (MD) – the equivalent of a Senior Vice President – and asked each of them to meet her for coffee. Why? She had questions and she wanted their advice!

But only one responded. And that MD told her to graduate from college first before she could explore opportunities at the firm.

Six months later, when a sophomore internship program opened up, the MD reached out to recommend that Irina apply. She got in, and her career launched!

Irina shared this advice: “You’re either asking the wrong question or you’re asking the wrong person. Someone will open something if you knock. It’ll give you some opportunity. But if you do nothing, you’ll get nothing.”

And then she summarized her approach in six indelible words: “Stand near closed doors and knock.”

[Flash] 3 Mentoring Principles Hidden in The Bear Season 4

Season 4 of The Bear is teeming with mentoring moments.

The dramatic television series follows an award-winning, albeit angsty and troubled, chef who opens a fine-dining restaurant.

The Bear often infuses profound connections as a cure for the crippling loneliness that plagues its characters.

One of my favorite connections occurs this season between the maître d’, Richie, and his friend, the restaurant’s ungainly handyman-turned-server, Neil “Fak.”

In preparation for Fak’s first dinner service, Fak practices his server walk for the front-of-house team, awkwardly holding his hands out, pretending to carry plates of food.

Fak’s obvious insecurity threatens to sabotage his new role.

Richie probes: What’s going on?
Fak vulnerably confesses: I just feel like I don’t fit in.

Recognizing the need for a private conversation, Richie asks everyone else to leave.

Then Richie compassionately asks Fak again: What’s going on?
Fak: I feel like a stupid [bleeping] idiot. This place is fancy. And the people who come here are fancy. I’m not fancy. I think they all think I’m a stupid [bleeping] idiot.

Riche scoffs: [Screw] that. This is your [bleeping] house. They’re your guests in your house. They feel intimidated. Then we make them feel a little bit more comfortable. It’s not the other way around.

Richie: All right? You got that?
Fak hesitantly: Yeah.

Then Richie whispers into Fak’s ear: You’re beautiful.

Richie leans back to check in: All right? Just relax and be yourself. And stop doing that weird [stuff] with your hands.
Fak more confidently: Got it!

A brief exchange. Their typical bantering suspended momentarily. A connection steeped in compassion and kindness.

When people take on new roles, teams, or experiences, self-doubt can run rampant.

Whether we are an assigned Mentor in a formal program or we steal a moment that begs for mentoring, we can follow 3 key mentoring principles:

1. Normalize feelings of uncertainty by validating their struggles.
When Richie stopped the pre-service meeting to address Fak’s self-doubts, he acknowledged Fak’s struggle, helping him feel seen.

2. Help people navigate the moment, not just execute a task.
Richie encouraged Fak to reframe his interpretation of the restaurant to one that empowers rather than deflates.

3. Focus on identity, not just skills.
In new situations, people are figuring out who they want to be, not just what they need to do. When Richie declared Fak “beautiful,” he shifted the focus to Fak’s identity rather than his food-serving skills.

Mentoring is a kindness in action, making us better peers, leaders, and human beings.

[Flash] You Don’t Have to Believe… Just Don’t Disbelieve

Still navigating pain in my rotator cuff from a fray last year, I decided to try acupuncture.

As my new acupuncturist started inserting needles into my shoulder, I flippantly joked, “It’s a little like hocus pocus, isn’t it? I have to really believe these needles will work.”

She looked at me piercingly, “I don’t need you to believe. I need you not to disbelieve. Just suspend your disbelief and be open to what might happen.”

With needles standing in formation across my upper back, I couldn’t do anything but reflect on her words of wisdom.

How might all of our interactions benefit from a suspension of disbelief?

My colleague doesn’t need me to believe in her idea. She needs me not to disbelieve in it.
Your boss doesn’t need you to like his decision. He needs you not to dislike it.
Your Mentee doesn’t need you to respect his mentoring goal. He needs you not to disrespect it.
Your Mentor doesn’t need you to agree with her advice. She needs you not to disagree with it.

What’s the difference?

It takes a concerted effort to disbelieve, dislike, disrespect, and disagree.

When we intentionally halt our disbelieving, disliking, disrespecting, and disagreeing actions, we stop judging and even sabotaging an interaction, a relationship or a process.

In the vacuum left by judgment, possibility thrives.

The possibility that we might believe, like, respect, and agree. The possibility that we might connect, learn, grow, and thrive. The possibility of being surprised and delighted!

Suspending disbelief is undoubtedly an act of courage, for we must step into the unknown determined to be curious – curious to know someone, curious to discover another perspective, curious to experience the world differently, curious to learn something new.

To suspend disbelief…

Instead of scoffing, “That’ll never work! What are they thinking? They are going to fail. So dumb. I’m not going to help them. I can’t wait to tell Bob about this person!”
Try wonderment, “Hmmm… Interesting. I wonder how they came to this job/project/decision. I wonder how they could make that work. I wonder how I could help them. I wonder what I could learn.”

It is cognitively discordant to be curious and judgmental simultaneously, making curiosity the cure for the common conclusion.
You have to be curious and remain curious,
or someone will run you over.
~ Brian Moynihan, CEO, Bank of America

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