In her words, she had “no clue, no experience, and no role models.” She had initiative.

When Bobbi told her friend about her project, she said, “Can I write about it?” She was the beauty editor of Glamour magazine. Bobbi credits that article for the launch of her business.

In 1995, Bobbi sold Bobbi Brown Cosmetics to Estée Lauer.

Josh Silverman
In 1998, Josh Silverman quit his job to launch “ToGather,” a website to help people organize and host events. As he recalls, “my saving grace is I told absolutely everyone what my idea was.”

Upon learning about ToGather from Josh, one of his friends mentioned a company that was starting something called “Evite” which sounded similar. So, Josh reached out to their founders, and they decided to join forces. Josh became CEO of Evite, and they sold the company in 2001.

Julie Cole
I met Julie when she was on the mentoring team at Wentworth Douglas Hospital, a MentorLead client. I was disappointed when Julie had left WDH after 17 years to care for her parents – she was a joy to partner with.

Nine months later, Julie sent me an email highlighting her career, expressing a passion for mentoring, and expressing an interest in exploring any opportunities at MentorLead. I replied enthusiastically within five minutes, and Julie joined MentorLead in January.

Julie recalls the courage it took to send me that email.

But had she not communicated her aspiration, we would have missed the opportunity to work together!

Idea Advocates
When we share an idea (a plan, project, passion, or pipe dream), we recruit ambassadors, champions, Idea Advocates.

Idea Advocates shepherd our ideas into the world.

• They are aware of our intentions.
• They recognize our enthusiasm.
• They will help if the opportunity arises.

Then, when Idea Advocates know, hear, meet, or discover someone or something that will make a difference, they proudly bring us that connection, solution, or opportunity.

So, what stops us from announcing plans, passions, and pipe dreams to recruit Idea Advocates?

• Fear of criticism, failure, rejection, or indifference
• Still-murky ideas
• Our own apathy

But to enroll Idea Advocates, we must:

• Believe in an idea
• Courageously share
• Communicate with conviction

Idea Advocates mentor sporadically, in spurts and with light touches. But only if we stop hoarding ideas and give people a chance to contribute.

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

But without a meaningful connection, Mentees can be reticent to start that drive.

Mentors, though, can forge the connection through the practice of sharing stories and trading truths.

In the 1970s, psychologist Sidney Jourard introduced the “Self-Disclosure Theory” claiming that disclosure in relationships fosters trust, openness, and an enthusiasm to grow.

He theorized that self-disclosure tends to be reciprocal (“Reciprocal Disclosure”) and a key component of building rapport and closeness.

According to Jourard, even strangers tend to match each other’s level of disclosure.

• If a mentor is initially guarded, the mentee will respond cautiously.
• If a mentor opens up quickly, the mentee will likely respond in kind.

Researchers Nancy Collins and Lawrence Miller concluded that people who disclose more are liked more and tend to like those they disclose to. That makes sense – it would be cognitively dissonant to disclose something personal to someone we didn’t like.

Understandably, in our cancel culture, we’ve become hesitant to share, building walls instead of windows, and guarding ourselves from judgment, criticism, and other personal attacks.

Feeling vulnerable can be unnerving.

Dr. Douglas T. Kenrick implores, “Before we are willing to connect and accept someone into our world, we need to disclose important things about ourselves.”

The courage to reveal and risk rejection signals trust in the other person – “I trust you to trust me.”

To ensure a meaningful connection, Mentors must lead the way, initiating with self-disclosure. What to share?

• Personal Stories
• Professional Experiences
• Career Pivots
• Mistakes
• Uncertainties
• Challenges
• Regrets
• Personal Philosophies

Going first compels Mentees to meet openness with openness.

Reciprocal Disclosure creates the safe space that is the bedrock of mentoring, promising confidentiality and psychological safety.

When Mentees reciprocate with a personal disclosure, Mentors can:

1. Listen with curiosity
2. Respond with validation
3. Empathize, not evaluate
4. Sit with the story; move slowly to a solution
5. Affirm their strength, not just their struggle
6. Remember and revisit in a future conversation

When the walls come down, the sun shines on everyone. Being open to a genuine connection reinforces the foundation of trust.

People are starved for connection. They seek mentorship not to hide and protect themselves but to connect, learn, and grow together.

Mentors, we just need to go first. Mentees will follow our lead.
“Perhaps the most important reason
for self-disclosure is that without it
we cannot truly love.” ~ Sidney Jourard

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Last week, I delivered my manager-to-leader program to an in-person audience of eager and engaged emerging leaders. When it ended, one of the participants, Sally, approached me for some advice about public speaking.

Sally asked if I ever felt nervous on stage. I shared, “Of course! I always get nervous initially – that’s how I know I care. But I’ve learned to tell stories to shift my focus from my angst to my audience.”

Feeling validated, Sally revealed, “When I get nervous, I ask ChatGPT to help me overcome my imposter syndrome. And it reminds me that I am better than I think.”

I felt punched. She turns to ChatGPT for mentoring?! Are human mentors obsolete now?

(ChatGPT is simply a version of AI that generates human-like conversational responses to questions.

Instead of spending hours weeding through websites and navigating a slew of derailing clickbait when we need information, ChatGPT filters the internet for us and produces answers in seconds!)

I decided to ask the culprit.

I typed the following into the prompt box in ChatGPT, “What advantages does a human mentor have over ChatGPT?” Here’s a summary of the results it generated for me:

• Personal connection
• Emotional support
• Empathy
• Accountability
• Personal guidance
• Motivation
• First-hand knowledge
• Practical experiences
• Real-world insights
• Moral and ethical guidance
• Tailored feedback
• Networking
• Advocacy
• Gut instincts
• Emotional nuance
• Tough love

Now, I felt validated!

Sally didn’t ask ChatGPT about my experience, advice, and insights – she asked me personally.

And Sally could have asked ChatGPT for information about managing vs. leading, but she opted instead to attend an in-person program to connect with and learn from others. 

While ChatGPT is indescribably efficient, providing us valuable information and even advice, it is a poor substitute for mentoring with a human.

• it robs us of the learning experience
• it doesn’t care if we grow, learn, or feel connected
• it doesn’t care about our autonomy, agency, relatedness, or belonging

Its sole job is to produce intelligence, not help us gain wisdom – that’s what Mentors do.

“We learn when we deeply process information. If we’re removed from that and we’re delegating everything to ChatGPT, we’re not connecting to that information.”

~ Gloria Mark, Professor of Information Sciences
at the University of California, Irvine,
and the author of Attention Span.

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

And then I discovered a way to join them: The Stoic Challenge – A Philosopher’s Guide to Becoming Tougher, Calmer, and More Resilient by William B Irvine.

Stoicism is a school of philosophy from the Roman Empire, emphasizing the “endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings.”

Irvine, however, argues that the Stoics were not anti-emotion. Rather, they were “eternal optimists who possessed a profound ability to put a positive spin on life’s events.”

Irvine recommends Anchoring and Framing to save us from the natural anger we feel when our expectations in life are not met. 

Anchoring
Anchoring is putting situations in perspective – zooming out to give the situation a better context.

• Does that broken link on the website really matter when my dog is sick? 
• Does that typo matter when my mom is battling dementia? 
• Do I really care that we lost a client after my dad was diagnosed with cancer? 

When someone on my team appeared distressed about a mistake, I reminded her (and me!) that no one dies in mentoring. And this has since become an anchor for my team.

Undeniably, we each care deeply about our work, but we remind ourselves that our work is a privilege and a passion (for us and our clients), but not a necessity.

Mistakes are inevitable, and they can be fixed. That perspective – that anchor – provides the space and grace necessary to grow and go together.

Framing
Framing involves seeing a situation in a way that prevents it from triggering anger.

At the crux of Irvine’s approach to stoicism is framing the stumbles, snags, and setbacks we experience as tests of our resilience and resourcefulness. He calls this the “stoic test strategy.”

Instead of being frustrated or angry, he approaches obstacles and aggravating situations with awe and occasional laughter.

When I shared this framing concept with my team, we started seeing “Stoic Challenges” everywhere – an angsty client, an impatient mentee, an irritating wait time.

We often text each other “Stoic Challenge!” to remind ourselves that we don’t need our frame to match their frame – we get to create a tougher, calmer, more resilient frame.

By implementing the Anchor and the Frame, I’ve witnessed and experienced the dissipation of stress and frustration, replaced by fascination, entertainment, and joy.

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

She confessed, “I want to be selfish this year. Can you find me a mentor?”

Yes and yes!! (Leaders who mentor and seek mentorship inspire me!)

Shortly thereafter, I ran into Priscilla, a recently retired nurse executive who agreed to mentor Michelle in the program.

When it ended, Michelle declared Priscilla the mentor she had been waiting for her whole career!

What was their secret?

Michelle came to the relationship ready to accomplish three concrete goals, eager for Priscilla’s guidance, support, and advice.

But Priscilla came with curiosity. Before tackling those goals, she wanted to understand Michelle as a human being and why she chose those goals. Priscilla first focused on Michelle’s needs and emotions.

And this pause in productivity gave Michelle permission to be vulnerable and transparent. 

Priscilla shifted the conversation from fact-finding to feelings.

In his refreshing new book, Supercommunicators, author Charles Duhigg explores how to effectively connect through communication.

He references a 2016 study by Harvard scientists who set out to understand the difference between successful and unsuccessful conversations. Studying hundreds of recorded conversations, they noticed that people interact in one of three ways:

1. Talk only about themselves
2. Ask fact-based questions
3. Ask feeling-based questions

Fact-based questions are simply a starting point, like small talk. The conversation ends when the responder answers the question.

• “What do you do?”
• “Where did you grow up?”
• “What is the first job you ever had?”
• “What are your hobbies?”

Many ice breakers, like “Fun Facts” and “Two Truths and a Lie,” often misfire because they simply exchange information without emotion.

Feeling-based questions go deeper. They draw out the other person’s needs, goals, beliefs, and emotions. They launch a discovery.

• “What caused you to change course?”
• “What was that experience like?”
• “How do you define success?”
• “What’s been weighing on your mind lately?”

To shift fact-gathering small talk into a deeper conversation, ask a follow-up feeling question steeped in genuine curiosity.

To further deepen the connection, the research concluded that when the other person reveals a need, goal, belief, or emotion, reveal something about yourself. Meet their vulnerability with yours.

The mutual sharing will demonstrate and cement trust.

Priscilla so masterfully pivoted their conversations from fact-gathering to feeling to revealing that Michelle ultimately referred to her mentor as her “soul friend.” 

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

An abundance of research evidences its impact:

• 75% credit their success to mentoring
• 90% with a mentor are happy at work
• 67% are less likely to leave their job
• 82% enhanced their sense of belonging
• 91% felt more confident
• 88% strengthened their leadership skills

But numbers lack emotion. And because we take action based on emotion, we are hungry to hear the stories behind the numbers.

Last week, I witnessed a profound one…

I had organized the final celebration of a leadership mentoring program so the mentees could reflect on their experience and acknowledge their mentors.

When it was Marianne’s turn to share, she captivated us!

Marianne had joined the program because she was feeling stuck in her career.

In her words, “I dreamt of returning to nursing school, but my quiet voice was whispering, ‘Maybe it’s too late.’ So, I found myself just standing still.”

Then, she was formally matched with Bridget.

“My mentor is the kind of person who listens with her whole being. Who asks you the right question at the right time. Who doesn’t just point you toward your potential but walks beside you until you believe in it for yourself.”

“Bridget listened and heard me. She didn’t just encourage me to go back to nursing school; she helped me remember why I wanted to become a nurse in the first place.”

“She inspired me with her own story, connected me to information, plugged me into the right people, and encouraged me. Her steady belief in me lit a fire I didn’t realize had gone dim.”

“She became more than a mentor. She became a guiding force and a beautiful example of the kind of nurse and person I want to be.”

Marianne concluded her reflection with: “I’m not just going back to school. I’m walking forward in my path toward leadership with purpose, clarity, and a whole lot of gratitude.”

From the surprised look on Bridget’s face, I could tell she was not expecting that.

When Bridget and I talked afterwards, I asked her what she did as a mentor that altered the trajectory of Marianne’s life.

Bridget reflected, “Honestly, I just listened to her, offered her a few suggestions, identified some potential opportunities, and shared my own story of feeling stuck.”

And then Bridget added, “I didn’t think I had done anything out of the ordinary.”

But she did. She created a safe, supportive space for Marianne to navigate life and take action. 

The numbers prove mentoring works. But the stories offer compelling reasons why it works.

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In challenging times, “you want to have conviction, but not certainty. You need to have a steady hand on the tiller, but you can’t go back and forth all the time.”

“I thought of myself as the bus driver. If I try to avoid every pothole and everything in the road, everyone in the back of the bus will get pretty nauseous.”

Carl joined Autodesk when it acquired his start-up in 1993. Shortly thereafter, CEO Carol Bartz identified Carl as her successor and mentored him to take the helm upon her retirement.

During Carl’s tenure, he faced considerable challenges: a financial crisis, a recession, an activist investor, and the company’s new business model.

Carl met each challenge with bold decision-making. He forged a path forward with no guarantee of success.

“Conviction but not certainty” is clarity of purpose combined with a tolerance for ambiguity.

Ambiguity is tough, however, especially for leaders who like to be in control! When the unknown feels too risky, they tend to gather more evidence, produce surveys, overanalyze data, and seek consensus.

But people want to follow leaders who possess confidence, commit to some path, and are decisive. They don’t need a guarantee; they need vision in the midst of fog. They need leadership.

Moving ahead without certainty is where significant progress occurs, ideas are born, and trust is built – in ourselves and each other.

Agreeing to mentor is conviction without certainty. We invest in a mentee’s potential before they can show us results.

Taking a new job is conviction without certainty. We invest our career in a new team with no assurance of success.

Even getting married is conviction without certainty. We invest in a union with the promise of forever but not a warranty.

Why? Because we believe in the possibility of the future. And that belief is louder than our fears.

That belief emboldens us to improvise, innovate, iterate, and improve. Undeterred by the unknown, we navigate, adapt, and adjust, eager to discover and learn as we go.

So, when we don’t take action, it’s not the guarantee we are missing. It’s the belief.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.