All posts by Ann Tardy
[Flash] There Are No Evil Mentors
| [from the archives! originally published in 2019]
Sometimes, mentoring program leaders worry about the caliber of their available Mentors. They typically ask me:
My response: Mean people don’t mentor. I have worked with Mentors for 20 years, and I’ve never met one determined to ruin a Mentee or a mentoring program. The reality is that disgruntled folks don’t bother to sign up to mentor – they barely want to come to work! It’s discordant to be disengaged and engaged simultaneously. Even when these people are voluntold to be Mentors, they typically find an excuse to escape. No one joins a mentoring program intent on wrecking the program or a Mentee. People participate because they genuinely want to contribute, not contaminate. Could they fumble and falter? Sure! But being a Mentor is as much a development experience for the Mentors as it is for the Mentees. Here’s the secret: people learn how to mentor others when they actually start mentoring others. Sadly, most people cower from the challenge because they feel inexperienced, untrained, and unprepared to mentor others. Understandably, they don’t want to fail. But Mentees can be very forgiving when Mentors demonstrate vulnerability, commitment, and authenticity. A senior leader once declined to participate, confessing, “I would love to mentor, but I don’t know how.” While his vulnerability was refreshing (…most people just say, “I’m too busy!”), it was a missed opportunity for him and the organization! How can we encourage more well-intentioned people to mentor others? Make it easy to say, “Yes!”
There are no evil mentors – just unpracticed people who want to make a difference. © 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |
[Flash] Buddha’s Mentoring – We Need Each Other to Make Sense of Our Experiences
The following parable is attributed to the historical Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama:
“A young woman’s only child had died. Consumed by grief, she carried the child’s body through the village, begging for a cure to bring him back to life.
The villagers were scared – she was inconsolable!
She cried out to them, “Isn’t there anyone who can help me?”
They sent the woman to the Buddha.
The Buddha said, “Yes. I’ve got medicine for you.”
He continued, “To make this medicine work, however, you must bring me a mustard seed from a home that has never experienced death.”
So the woman went door to door talking to everyone in the village and asking for a mustard seed – a common item. At each home, she found a mustard seed, but she also learned that they had each confronted loss – a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend.
In time, she understood the Buddha’s lesson: grief isolates us, but it can connect us. Compassion and wisdom come from a shared human experience.
When we face a challenging time, we often feel isolated, overwhelmed, and resigned to navigating the situation on our own.
But we’re not alone – we’re relational beings. Who we are in the world is deeply tied to our relationship with others.
As author and psychotherapist Mark Epstein explains, “We know ourselves through the reflection [of others.] We are constantly in relationship to our world. We’re not separate from the world.”
In our mentoring programs, I’ve observed that Mentees typically respond to unexpected challenges in one of two ways:
- Some Mentees quickly disengage from the program, abruptly ending the relationship with their Mentor, citing overwhelm.
- Others choose to lean into the mentoring relationship, actively seeking advice, support, and guidance as they manage their new circumstances.
Just like the woman in the village, those who lean in for support quickly discover that they are not alone – grappling with unexpected change is a shared human experience.
By engaging with their Mentor, they find much-needed compassion and wisdom as they work through their situation. And in the process, their frustrations, uncertainty, self-doubt, and fears are normalized and validated.
Epstein reflects, “We need each other to make sense out of our experiences.”
According to the African philosophy, Ubuntu, a person becomes a person through other people. Personal growth is not developed in isolation but nurtured through communal relationships.
“I am because we are.”
~ Ubuntu expression
© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.
[Flash] Stand Near Closed Doors and Knock (Mentoring from Hootsuite CEO)
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When Author David Novak interviewed Irina Novoselsky, CEO of Hootsuite and former CEO of CareerBuilder, for his podcast, How Leaders Lead, she shared some invaluable advice.
Irina began her career in investment banking at Morgan Stanley, and then deliberately left finance to pursue a role on the operational side of business. Upon leaving, Irina embarked on a 9-month journey interviewing 100 CEOs. Irina viewed it not as a job search, but as a leader search. She interviewed CEOs to learn from them! She shared her strategy: Every day at 7am, I would set up meetings and say, “Here are the questions I have. What are your responses? How would you answer this?” Why did she orchestrate her journey in this way? “I was looking for a person who I could learn from, who had similar values to me, who had a similar approach, and who I wanted to emulate. I took my time to find somebody that I wanted to learn from, who was aligned with what I was looking for.” She reflected, “Of course, [these CEOs] thought they were interviewing me. They probably didn’t realize that they were mentoring me.” Irina revealed, “Where I’ve had success with mentoring is just bringing interesting people into my world of problems.” An immigrant from the Soviet Union, Irina set her target on investment banking during college because she learned that banking pays graduates the most money. The problem? They don’t hire freshmen. Undeterred, she grabbed a back-office job at Morgan Stanley that summer to thrust herself into the investment banking world. Once there, Irina spent evenings brazenly emailing Morgan Stanley Managing Directors (MD) – the equivalent of a Senior Vice President – and asked each of them to meet her for coffee. Why? She had questions and she wanted their advice! But only one responded. And that MD told her to graduate from college first before she could explore opportunities at the firm. Six months later, when a sophomore internship program opened up, the MD reached out to recommend that Irina apply. She got in, and her career launched! Irina shared this advice: “You’re either asking the wrong question or you’re asking the wrong person. Someone will open something if you knock. It’ll give you some opportunity. But if you do nothing, you’ll get nothing.” And then she summarized her approach in six indelible words: “Stand near closed doors and knock.” © 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |
[Flash] 3 Mentoring Principles Hidden in The Bear Season 4
Season 4 of The Bear is teeming with mentoring moments.
The dramatic television series follows an award-winning, albeit angsty and troubled, chef who opens a fine-dining restaurant.
The Bear often infuses profound connections as a cure for the crippling loneliness that plagues its characters.
One of my favorite connections occurs this season between the maître d’, Richie, and his friend, the restaurant’s ungainly handyman-turned-server, Neil “Fak.”
In preparation for Fak’s first dinner service, Fak practices his server walk for the front-of-house team, awkwardly holding his hands out, pretending to carry plates of food.
Fak’s obvious insecurity threatens to sabotage his new role.
Richie probes: What’s going on?
Fak vulnerably confesses: I just feel like I don’t fit in.
Recognizing the need for a private conversation, Richie asks everyone else to leave.
Then Richie compassionately asks Fak again: What’s going on?
Fak: I feel like a stupid [bleeping] idiot. This place is fancy. And the people who come here are fancy. I’m not fancy. I think they all think I’m a stupid [bleeping] idiot.
Riche scoffs: [Screw] that. This is your [bleeping] house. They’re your guests in your house. They feel intimidated. Then we make them feel a little bit more comfortable. It’s not the other way around.
Richie: All right? You got that?
Fak hesitantly: Yeah.
Then Richie whispers into Fak’s ear: You’re beautiful.
Richie leans back to check in: All right? Just relax and be yourself. And stop doing that weird [stuff] with your hands.
Fak more confidently: Got it!
A brief exchange. Their typical bantering suspended momentarily. A connection steeped in compassion and kindness.
When people take on new roles, teams, or experiences, self-doubt can run rampant.
Whether we are an assigned Mentor in a formal program or we steal a moment that begs for mentoring, we can follow 3 key mentoring principles:
1. Normalize feelings of uncertainty by validating their struggles.
When Richie stopped the pre-service meeting to address Fak’s self-doubts, he acknowledged Fak’s struggle, helping him feel seen.
2. Help people navigate the moment, not just execute a task.
Richie encouraged Fak to reframe his interpretation of the restaurant to one that empowers rather than deflates.
3. Focus on identity, not just skills.
In new situations, people are figuring out who they want to be, not just what they need to do. When Richie declared Fak “beautiful,” he shifted the focus to Fak’s identity rather than his food-serving skills.
Mentoring is a kindness in action, making us better peers, leaders, and human beings.
© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.
[Flash] You Don’t Have to Believe… Just Don’t Disbelieve
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Still navigating pain in my rotator cuff from a fray last year, I decided to try acupuncture.
As my new acupuncturist started inserting needles into my shoulder, I flippantly joked, “It’s a little like hocus pocus, isn’t it? I have to really believe these needles will work.” She looked at me piercingly, “I don’t need you to believe. I need you not to disbelieve. Just suspend your disbelief and be open to what might happen.” With needles standing in formation across my upper back, I couldn’t do anything but reflect on her words of wisdom. How might all of our interactions benefit from a suspension of disbelief?
What’s the difference? It takes a concerted effort to disbelieve, dislike, disrespect, and disagree. When we intentionally halt our disbelieving, disliking, disrespecting, and disagreeing actions, we stop judging and even sabotaging an interaction, a relationship or a process. In the vacuum left by judgment, possibility thrives. The possibility that we might believe, like, respect, and agree. The possibility that we might connect, learn, grow, and thrive. The possibility of being surprised and delighted! Suspending disbelief is undoubtedly an act of courage, for we must step into the unknown determined to be curious – curious to know someone, curious to discover another perspective, curious to experience the world differently, curious to learn something new. To suspend disbelief…
It is cognitively discordant to be curious and judgmental simultaneously, making curiosity the cure for the common conclusion. © 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |
[Flash] Born to Read. Forced to Work (Strand Bookstore, NYC)
| As a child, I used to answer the what-do-you-want-to-be-someday question with, “Librarian” (I thought they just read all day!) And as an uncool teenager, I devoured books, seeking refuge in their pages. Today, I read seeking wisdom, divergent perspectives, and soul-fueling entertainment.
As we embark on a break this holiday weekend, I’m sharing a few of my favorite books – fiction, non-fiction, and memoirs! When you want to be a better Mentor, leader, and human being:
When you need a kick in the pants and a kiss on the cheek:
When you want mentoring via a memoir:
When you want heartfelt entertainment:
When you want to challenge your perspective:
When you want to be inspired by irrepressible women:
“So many books. So little time.” ~ Frank Zappa © 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |
[Flash] Hope Outshines Happiness in Mentoring and Well-Being
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In Season 3 of the hit television sitcom Schitt’s Creek, Johnny Rose suggests that hotel proprietor Stevie Budd inform guests that they will be gone for the afternoon.
Stevie finds a “Back in 15 minutes” sign for the front desk. The show’s writers were on to something! A recent groundbreaking study from the University of Missouri illuminates the deeper impact of hope. Psychology has long held that hope is tied to goal setting and achieving. But the Missouri researchers discovered that hope is more profound than merely the desire to accomplish a goal. It’s a “a vital emotional experience.” The study declared: “Hope is more essential to our well-being than happiness or gratitude.” Why? Because hope makes life feel meaningful. And experiencing life as meaningful is crucial for our emotional, mental, and physical health. Hope begins with the belief that our situation will improve at work, at home, and in life. That belief then compels us to invest time, energy, and patience in the possibility of a better outcome. That meaningful pursuit of a better outcome drives us to connect and engage, placing hope at the heart of mentoring:
Between 2005 and 2008, The Gallup Organization conducted a survey examining the four expectations employees hold for their leaders: trust, compassion, stability, and hope. About hope, Gallup discovered that we look to our leaders for inspiration for a better future. Essentially, we contribute value with our work, hoping our efforts will improve the future – ours, the team’s, and the organization’s. We want our work to matter. Based on the Missouri research, this hope that our work matters gives our work meaning and promotes our well-being. The Missouri researchers concluded that to enhance our quality of life, we must strive daily to boost our hope. Hope Boosters:
As Lue on our team often invites: “What’s the best that can happen?” |
[Flash] 82% Believe Bots Are Better Than Bosses — Here’s How to Reinvent Your Manager Role
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According to the AI at Work Study conducted by Oracle and Future Workplace…
82% believe robots (aka AI) are better than managers at:
Uh-oh! What is left for managers to do if their people are turning to robots to solve problems? drumroll… Mentor people into future managers. The AI at Work Study asked, “What can managers do better than robots?” People reported:
Bingo! People want their managers to develop them – teach, train, prepare, guide, support, advise, listen, empower, grow, and help them thrive in their roles! When I started my business two decades ago, I didn’t know how to lead people, so I focused on finding and fixing issues! But I struggled to grow the business. My success shifted as soon as I evolved from a Problem Solver to a Developer of Problem Solvers. I was managing messes. I needed to mentor people. Today, I measure my mentoring when:
My team doesn’t ask permission to solve something – they ask to collaborate. They ask for my mentoring. How did I make this shift? By learning to:
Research conducted by Professor Paul Zak of Claremont Graduate University identified “challenge stress” as one of the eight leadership behaviors we can deploy to foster trust in our teams. It’s also a stealthy strategy for mentoring future managers. Challenge stress is the energizing pressure people feel when empowered with a growth opportunity. The brain eagerly looks for a solution to help them meet the challenge. Examples:
Challenge stress develops confidence, improves problem-solving skills, and deepens mutual trust. Knowing people flourish in the trusting, empowering environments we create, it feels silly to resist technology or attempt to out-problem-solve a robot. We can use this interesting time in history to reinvent the value we bring to people and organizations. Mentor the future. © 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |