Category Archives for Blog
[Flash] You Can’t Step Twice into the Same River (or Mentoring Conversation)
|
When Jeff wanted a promotion, he went looking for a Mentor and found six of them!
Focused on his goal and determined to take action, Jeff joined his company’s mentoring community and invited 24 people to mentor him. Six of them responded immediately, agreeing to support him on his leadership path. But why did Jeff need six Mentors? He didn’t. What he needed was advice, guidance, and perspectives. He found it in various mentoring conversations. Jeff set up 20-minute meetings with each Mentor every other month for a year. The result? An assortment of practical ideas, connections, resources, thought partners, and champions… and ultimately a promotion! Jeff didn’t just work with six Mentors on his learning journey; he engaged in six different mentoring conversations. You can’t step twice into the same river. The Greek philosopher Heraclitus (535-475 BC) originated this metaphor as an expression of his core philosophical belief that everything is in flux at all times. The river is continually changing. Stepping into it offers one experience. Step into it again, and the river is no longer the same – the water has flowed past along with any fish and debris. The water is never the same from one moment to the next. Life, like the river, is in constant motion; its impermanence renders repetition impossible, making each encounter unique. Even our mentoring conversations flow like the river, in flux, always evolving, never to be repeated.
This brevity affords us freedom. Instead of searching for the perfect Mentor, the right answer, or the precise solution, we can engage in possibility. The possibility of our connections. The possibility that wisdom can be gleaned from anyone in any conversation, provided we stay present, curious, and engaged. To leverage the metaphorical flowing river:
You can’t step twice into the same river or the same mentoring conversation. © 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |
[Flash] Peer Mentoring – The Unexpected Morning Habit of Microsoft’s CEO
|
Every morning, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella engages in peer mentoring.
According to a report in The Information, Nadella’s morning routine consists of exercise, gratitude, and two phone calls. Who is he calling? Leaders in companies outside of Microsoft, like Pete Carroll, an NFL coach, and Aravind Srinivas, the CEO of Perplexity AI. Why? He wants their perspective and advice. And to ensure the conversations are purposeful, he starts with these two questions:
This routine ensures Nadella stays apprised of threats and opportunities in the market while also expanding his network. Seeking wisdom in this way is a form of peer mentoring – Nadella is leaning into his network to learn from them. He’s cognizant that his colleagues are connected differently, possess unique insights, and are privy to knowledge he doesn’t yet have. Even if The Information’s report is exaggerated and Nadella only reaches out to leaders once a month or once a quarter, it’s still a remarkable commitment to connect, listen, and learn from his peers. To make these peer mentoring conversations work, Nadella must suspend any steadfast opinions, predetermined answers, and established solutions. Instead, he must approach the conversation with an open mind, willing to explore and discover new possibilities. One of his peers might be excited about a company that Nadella had already unearthed and dismissed. By engaging with curiosity, he can hear his peer share a perspective or an insight that he had initially overlooked. Peer mentoring is an exercise in intentionality, humility, wonder. If the CEO of Microsoft invests time, effort, and energy into being mentored by his peers to grow and develop, we can too! How?
Network science research suggests that connecting to peers in diverse industries and social groups is a predictor of career success. Makes sense! The more conversations we have, the greater the chance of colliding with promising ideas, opportunities, and people. Intentional peer mentoring is the gateway! © 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |
What Makes Good Advice Good? (Advice Columnist Philip Galanes Has Some Advice)
Philip Galanes has been writing the “Social Qs” column in the Lifestyle section of The New York Times for almost 17 years.
Every week, Philip offers advice about human relationships and the entanglements that readers wrestle with at home, at work, and in life.
When his editor asked Philip about the variety of advice he offers each week, she mused, “It seems like you need to be an expert on everything.”
Philip countered, “I don’t need to be an expert about anything to give advice.”
He explained that advice is not about telling people what to do but about listening to what they are sharing and then helping to guide them to what might be the best outcome.
And then his editor asked, what makes good advice good?
“The mark of really great advice is listening so closely that you’re almost the same person as the person who is asking for the advice.” A thought-partner!
Philip continued, “The best way is not to think, what should I do, but to really listen to the other person tell me about their situation and think, ‘She and I have this problem. We share it now. What’s the most helpful thing I can say to help her march toward a solution that’s going to work for her?’”
But what works for the Advice Giver may not work for the Advice Seeker.
A study published in Scientific American in 2018 confirms Philip’s approach. Advice Seekers typically look for options. Advice Givers tend to give direct guidance. This mismatch can lead to frustratingly unhelpful interactions.
Philip went on to reveal his secret: embrace the notion that everyone has the answer within them.
The best advice an Advice Giver can give makes the Advice Seeker realize they already know the right answer.
One of my favorite “Social Qs” columns published a few years ago underscored this notion.
A Big Brother in a youth mentoring program had written to Philip, complaining about his Little Brother’s embarrassing lack of etiquette whenever they dined out. The Big Brother asked, “What should I do?”
Philip bluntly advised, “You are the Mentor, so mentor him on his dining etiquette!”
© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.
[Flash] When Your Mentor Eats Crow (How Author Amor Towles Amazed his Mentor)
|
Amor Towles, the author of one of my favorite books, The Lincoln Highway, was interviewed by Jenna Bush recently at the Aspen Ideas Festival.
During the interview, Amor shared the influence his Mentor has had on his success… While at Yale as an undergrad, Amor took a seminar with his hero, writer Peter Matheson, who enthused, “Based on the three stories that you’ve submitted, Amor, I think there’s a possibility that you may be gifted at writing.” Amor reflected, “That was a major turning point in my life.” It was the first time an outsider – someone who Amor admired and respected – acknowledged his talent. Peter continued to mentor Amor in the years following graduation, encouraging Amor’s writing pursuits. When Amor finished his first draft of Rules of Civility, he sent the manuscript to Peter with a note: “I feel really good about it. This is the first book I’ve written that is worthy of submission, and I’m interested in your feedback. It’s about a 25-year-old woman set in the 1930s.” Peter responded brusquely: “Amor, I can’t understand why you continue to write about the 1930s. To be honest, this is a terrible thing. And I find that spunky, opinionated, witty women are boring in fiction.” Amor was undeterred. He fine-tuned his book and sold the publishing rights at auction. When Rules of Civility hit the bestseller list, Peter sent the following note: “This is what we call eating crow. My sister, who’s one of the greatest readers I’ve ever known, said that the minute your book ended, she was sad it was over and wanted to start again. That’s as much as you could ask of a book.” Amor reflected that having his Mentor dislike his manuscript was almost as valuable as having his Mentor validate his talents at age 19. “It meant that this book worked even though my hero didn’t like it. It was a lesson to me as an artist that I have to have confidence in my work, even when my mentors or my friends don’t care for what I’ve created.” Mentors don’t have all the answers – their value lies in recognizing and supporting our potential as we find our own answers. The edge we get from mentoring is confidence. And that confidence gets revealed when we start believing in our work when others don’t. © 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |
[Flash] Wisdom from the Cornfield – Great Corn Comes from Great Mentors
|
In his book How to Talk Well, author James F Bender shares the following story:
There was an Indiana farmer famous for growing the finest corn in the valley. Year after year, his corn won the blue ribbon at the State Fair for “Best Corn.” One day, an enterprising reporter made an interesting discovery while interviewing the farmer – he learned that the farmer shared his seed corn with his neighbors. Stunned, the reporter asked, “How can you afford to share your best seed corn with your neighbors when they are entering corn in competition with yours each year?” To which the farmer replied, “Why, sir, don’t you know the wind picks up pollen from the ripening corn and swirls it from field to field? If my neighbors grow inferior corn, cross-pollination will steadily degrade the quality of my corn. If I am to grow good corn, I must help my neighbors grow good corn.” In mentoring, we share our best knowledge, experiences, and insights to enrich others, helping them grow stronger. As the farmer demonstrated, doing so doesn’t threaten our success but sharpens and strengthens us. If the farmer had hoarded his best seeds, cross-pollination would weaken his corn. Similarly, if we hoard wisdom, we not only limit our potential, but we also threaten the caliber of our team and organization. Leaders regularly ask me about the return on investment (ROI) of mentoring – can I help them justify the costs associated with launching a formal mentoring program? And of course, I have a slew of literature, metrics, and results that point to the indelible impact of mentoring. But shouldn’t we also be considering CONI – the cost of not investing? Because the cross-pollination of unmentored team members leaves its own lasting mark. As the farmer noted, inferior corn outlasts a single season, thereby undermining future crops. Mentees are a reflection of our investment in their success. Only when they thrive can we possibly win “Best Corn.” © 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |
[Flash] Nudge vs. Judge: Is That Enough Weight for You?
|
I was in an Orangetheory Fitness class last week lifting weights, when Instructor Jen asked me with a knowing but encouraging smile, “Is that enough weight for you?”
She knew I could do more. And when she wondered it out loud, I realized I could do more, too. So, I picked up heavier weights. She was nudging, not judging me. She was inviting me to see what she sees – a stronger version of me. Instructor Jen cleverly used the Proposal Question to communicate her belief in me to reach for more while leaving the decision to take action in my hands. When Peter Cuneo, former CEO of Marvel Entertainment, was interviewed on the How Leaders Lead podcast, he reflected: “I’ve had people who came into my life at certain times who believed in me even more than I believed in myself. I’m not lacking self-confidence, but there were certain heights I just didn’t think I could reach. And they pushed me, encouraged me, and I made the effort just to please them, never thinking I’d get there. And they all worked out, actually.” While research shows that we view advice as more valuable when we ask for it, our blind spots often cause us to miss opportunities to seek the nudge we need to stretch, reach, and grow. And even when we know we need some support and encouragement, our pride often prevents us from asking, “Instructor Jen, could you encourage me to lift more?” So, we count on people like Instructor Jen to notice opportunities to encourage us. (More arguments for the power of the formal mentoring structure: mitigate the trappings of the ego and create opportunities to intentionally notice and encourage others!) But the words these Mentors choose will determine if we receive that nudge with gratitude or a grudge. Luckily, the Proposal Question operates stealthily – an invitation cloaked in a compliment. It whispers, “I believe you could do more or do better. Want to try?” The Proposal Question works by suggesting possibilities. Ultimately, the power to choose to do something and the ownership of any action remains at all times with the Mentee.
Believing in people’s greatness before they do supports their ego, which then strengthens the trust they have in the relationship. Bottom line: we tend to like people who believe in us. A little nudge goes a long way! © 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |
[Flash] There Are No Evil Mentors
| [from the archives! originally published in 2019]
Sometimes, mentoring program leaders worry about the caliber of their available Mentors. They typically ask me:
My response: Mean people don’t mentor. I have worked with Mentors for 20 years, and I’ve never met one determined to ruin a Mentee or a mentoring program. The reality is that disgruntled folks don’t bother to sign up to mentor – they barely want to come to work! It’s discordant to be disengaged and engaged simultaneously. Even when these people are voluntold to be Mentors, they typically find an excuse to escape. No one joins a mentoring program intent on wrecking the program or a Mentee. People participate because they genuinely want to contribute, not contaminate. Could they fumble and falter? Sure! But being a Mentor is as much a development experience for the Mentors as it is for the Mentees. Here’s the secret: people learn how to mentor others when they actually start mentoring others. Sadly, most people cower from the challenge because they feel inexperienced, untrained, and unprepared to mentor others. Understandably, they don’t want to fail. But Mentees can be very forgiving when Mentors demonstrate vulnerability, commitment, and authenticity. A senior leader once declined to participate, confessing, “I would love to mentor, but I don’t know how.” While his vulnerability was refreshing (…most people just say, “I’m too busy!”), it was a missed opportunity for him and the organization! How can we encourage more well-intentioned people to mentor others? Make it easy to say, “Yes!”
There are no evil mentors – just unpracticed people who want to make a difference. © 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved. |
[Flash] Buddha’s Mentoring – We Need Each Other to Make Sense of Our Experiences
The following parable is attributed to the historical Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama:
“A young woman’s only child had died. Consumed by grief, she carried the child’s body through the village, begging for a cure to bring him back to life.
The villagers were scared – she was inconsolable!
She cried out to them, “Isn’t there anyone who can help me?”
They sent the woman to the Buddha.
The Buddha said, “Yes. I’ve got medicine for you.”
He continued, “To make this medicine work, however, you must bring me a mustard seed from a home that has never experienced death.”
So the woman went door to door talking to everyone in the village and asking for a mustard seed – a common item. At each home, she found a mustard seed, but she also learned that they had each confronted loss – a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend.
In time, she understood the Buddha’s lesson: grief isolates us, but it can connect us. Compassion and wisdom come from a shared human experience.
When we face a challenging time, we often feel isolated, overwhelmed, and resigned to navigating the situation on our own.
But we’re not alone – we’re relational beings. Who we are in the world is deeply tied to our relationship with others.
As author and psychotherapist Mark Epstein explains, “We know ourselves through the reflection [of others.] We are constantly in relationship to our world. We’re not separate from the world.”
In our mentoring programs, I’ve observed that Mentees typically respond to unexpected challenges in one of two ways:
- Some Mentees quickly disengage from the program, abruptly ending the relationship with their Mentor, citing overwhelm.
- Others choose to lean into the mentoring relationship, actively seeking advice, support, and guidance as they manage their new circumstances.
Just like the woman in the village, those who lean in for support quickly discover that they are not alone – grappling with unexpected change is a shared human experience.
By engaging with their Mentor, they find much-needed compassion and wisdom as they work through their situation. And in the process, their frustrations, uncertainty, self-doubt, and fears are normalized and validated.
Epstein reflects, “We need each other to make sense out of our experiences.”
According to the African philosophy, Ubuntu, a person becomes a person through other people. Personal growth is not developed in isolation but nurtured through communal relationships.
“I am because we are.”
~ Ubuntu expression
© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.