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[Flash] Would You Consider…? (a Power Phrase for Mentors)

Feedback stinks. I don’t care how you sandwich it, reframe it, or rename it; it’s rarely a pleasant experience.

Inevitably, the giver fears damaging a trusting relationship while the receiver fears being judged and criticized.

So then, why do it? Why give people advice they didn’t request? Why not let people self-discover their areas for improvement?

I am a champion of mentoring, where feedback is fundamental to the process, and yet, personally, I flinch in the face of feedback – giving it and receiving it. Between being right and being in relationship, I almost always choose relationship.

But feedback can be vital:
1. when we need people to course-correct
2. when we want to acknowledge progress
3. when people communicate a commitment to grow, develop and improve

Studies show that 87% of employees want development, but only 33% get the feedback they need to engage and improve.

At the same time, trusting workplaces enjoy 50% higher productivity, 106% more energy, and 13% fewer sick days while outperforming low-trusting workplaces by 186%.

So, how can we choose a relationship and contribute to it?

By normalizing the exchange of ideas and mitigating the defensive reflexes.

The power phrase: “Would you consider…?”

I experimented with this recently at the gym when an idolized trainer started delivering instructions over his thunderous music – it was impossible to decipher!

After class, I asked him, “Would you consider turning the music down only during your instructions so we can better understand you?”

I noticed his initial defenses ebb and flow when he realized I offered an invitation, not an attack. He agreed to consider it.

And the very next class? He didn’t compete with his music. He deliberately lowered the volume during his instructions and increased it as class started.

Why is the power phrase effective? Because it collectively empowers and engages the giver and the receiver.

Are you struggling to solicit feedback because people around you are squeamish about scolding? Experiment with, “What should I consider to improve this project/task/meeting/result?” This question signals to others that you’re open to their ideas and contributions.

Whether you’re the mentor, the manager, or a peer, don’t choose between being right and being in relationship. Choose to make a difference.

[Flash] Filmmaker Ava DuVernay Mentoring a New Conversation

Next week, award-winning filmmaker Ava DuVernay is releasing her new movie Origin, based on the impossibly profound, non-fiction book Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents written by Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Isabel Wilkerson.

Against everyone’s advice, Ava took a seemingly unadaptable book and wrote the screenplay based on Isabel’s quest to understand the caste systems in India, Germany, and the US and dissect their impact on our connections and relationships.

As Ava describes in multiple interviews, caste is the practice of human hierarchy: one person is categorized as better than another based solely on a set of random traits.

Why this project? Ava reflected earnestly, “Reading Isabel’s book allowed me to excavate who I am in the world and explore who I could be. What if we all addressed caste in our own lives? A world without caste would set everyone free and make us collectively better.”

As part of the movie release, Ava is launching The Seat 16 Program, which has a goal of gifting 10,000 teenagers with a ticket to see the movie plus a one-year pass to access MasterClass, a platform offering lessons from experts in various fields. “Let’s help them change the world!” her website urges.

To secure that partnership with MasterClass, Ava agreed to lead a class entitled “Reframe your Thinking,” to share how filmmaking skills can be applied to life goals.

Why all of this trouble? Why not just make a movie and sell it to Hollywood?

Because Ava didn’t just want to produce a film. She wanted to start a conversation, one steeped in the possibility of a more just world. And that requires engaging many people in that conversation.

Similarly, you could launch a mentoring program or a mentoring relationship that starts a new conversation, one that:

rallies nurse residents!
fuels a community of belonging!
energizes peer champions!
summons future leaders!
ignites innovative solutions!
emboldens managers to lead courageously!

It just depends on how passionate you are about sparking that conversation and changing your world.

Ava’s easy-to-follow formula:
1. Preach the possibility
2. Design a clear structure
3. Make it frictionless to participate

Don’t just hope that things will change. Inspire others to create that change with you!

Ava received a 9-minute standing ovation at the Venice Film Festival for Origin. Imagine how long your standing ovation will be!

ps. Have you registered yet for our 2024-Q1 complimentary webinar?
“Unlock the Power of Mentoring Programs to Retain Nurses, Improve Leadership, and Strengthen Your Hospital”
Date: Thurs Feb 29 @ 11am PT | 2pm ET
Register: https://us06web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_Q692btvAQ72Ybi9JRvjlKA

[Flash] When John Candy Mentored Conan O’Brien (Ready to Reword your NY Resolutions?)

Late-night talk show host Conan O’Brien attended Harvard University in the early 80s and considered law school. But he was also drawn to comedy.

While at Harvard, Conan served as President of the Harvard Lampoon, the school’s humor magazine. There, he met the comedic genius and Saturday Night Live (SNL) icon, John Candy.

When Candy visited the campus at the magazine’s invitation, Conan assisted as his guide for the day.

Sharing the experience in a recent interview, Conan reflected, “I don’t see myself as a brave or reckless person. I had worked so hard to get to that college, and I knew my parents would kill me for trying this thing (comedy) that famously flames out for most people.”

So Conan mustered his courage, measured his words, and nervously confessed: “Mr. Candy, I’m thinking I might try comedy.”

Candy’s head snapped to attention, and in a role not dissimilar to Yoda in the Star Wars saga, he looked straight at Conan and said sternly, “You don’t try comedy. You do it, or you don’t do it.”

“That hit me powerfully,” Conan mused 40 years later.

This unexpected mentoring galvanized Conan – he ditched his backup plan, skipped the law school entrance exam, and declared, “I’m going to make comedy work!”

Conan graduated the following year, moved to LA to write for HBO, SNL, and The Simpsons, hosted three late-night television shows, and became a stand-up comedian.

Candy’s mentoring was based on a concept in psychology called “self-signaling,” in which we use our words and actions to “signal” our intentions and commitment to ourselves.

“I’m going to try” is a vague signal, a hope, a dream.
“I’m doing” is a concrete signal, a commitment, an intention.

Vague: I’m thinking about more education.
Committed: I am getting my master’s degree.

Vague: I’m working on my self-confidence.
Committed: I am confident and capable.

Vague: I am hoping to become a leader.
Committed: I contribute, influence, and lead in every situation.

It’s scary declaring intentions – there is no safety net. Our commitments are impenetrable by excuses.

But intentions are always more potent than hopes and dreams.

As we plow into 2024, don’t underestimate the power of your words (and your mentee’s words) to self-signal commitment and fuel actions.

Why bother “trying” when we can “tackle, toil, and triumph!”

[Flash] Fan Favorites from 2023

And here we are again… the well-earned pause in our journey around the sun, a moment to reflect on where we’ve been, what we’ve discovered, and where we’re headed.

As I reflect on the articles that I wrote for you each week in 2023, I’m resharing the 7 that generated the most conversation:

The Secret to Finding a Mentor
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-the-secret-to-finding-a-mentor-hint-are-you-mentor-able/

When David Letterman’s Mentoring Moment Spared Jason Bateman’s Career
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-david-lettermans-mentoring-moment-spared-jason-batemans-career/

How Starbucks CEO Leveraged Reverse Mentoring to Plunge into His New Job
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-how-starbucks-ceo-leveraged-reverse-mentoring-to-plunge-into-his-new-job/

Just Because You Stop Doesn’t Mean You Quit (Ke Huy Quan’s Mentoring)
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-just-because-you-stop-doesnt-mean-you-quit/

Root for People (Jimmy Fallon’s Mentoring)
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-root-for-peopl e/

Success-Stacking: Harness the Power of Post-Achievement Moments
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-success-stacking-harness-the-power-of-post-achievement-moments/

Unexpected Mentoring: When Kelly Clarkson Sent Taylor Swift an Idea
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-unexpected-mentoring-when-kelly-clarkson-sent-taylor-swift-an-idea/

Thank you for meeting me each week at the intersection of mentoring, leading, and joy! It is a delight to be on this bigger-better-bolder adventure with you!

Wishing you a watershed year ahead!
Happy New Year!

[Flash] Navigating Holiday Well-Wishes with Grace and Good Intent

I recently rediscovered one of my favorite infographics (created by Dave Lieberman) recommending a refreshing response to various holiday greetings:

When someone wishes you…

Merry Christmas… and you are Christian or not Christian
Happy Hanukkah… and you are Jewish or not Jewish
Happy Kwanza… and you are African-American or not African-American
Season’s Greetings… and you are agoraphobic or not agoraphobic
Happy Holidays… and you are religious or not religious
Happy New Year… and you are good with dates or bad with dates

You say: “Thank you! Same to you!”

The simplicity of this recommendation is actually profound: Meet people where they are, not where you are.

Understandably, we expect others to offer an appropriate holiday wish. But that’s not always practical or possible. And sometimes, even those who know us well are distracted, forgetful, or inadvertent – that’s just where they are at that moment.

Instead of assuming that others are being rude or dogmatic with their beliefs, seek to understand their intentions – politeness, friendliness, amiability, holiday spirit.

If we express outrage or insult, we become rude and self-oriented – making it all about us. Being offended when the offense was not intended is a waste of time and energy.

Rather than interpreting someone’s use of specific greetings, let’s just assume good intent behind the holiday well-wishing and move on.

Kindness is extending to people the benefit of the doubt. And that includes letting go of our expectations around holiday greetings.

Wishing you Happy Everything!

[Flash] Over and Next – Norman Lear’s Mentorship Legacy

“Over and Next!” Norman Lear’s simple yet profound advice for a life well lived.

Norman Lear passed away last week at 101, leaving a legacy of exploring, creating, and laughing.

“The soundtrack of my life has been laughter. I believe it has everything to do with a long life.”

Best known for producing popular sitcoms in the 1970s: All in the Family, Sanford and Sons, The Jeffersons, Maude, and Good Times, Norman brought joy to millions through the television screen while audaciously introducing heated political and social themes such as abortion, bigotry, and sexism.

Throughout his career, Norman created, wrote, and produced over 100 shows, with six more in the works when he died!

When asked about his constant stream of projects, Norman reflected, “I don’t want to wake up in the morning without hope.”

With this mindset, Norman refused to retire. He wrote his memoir at age 92 and launched his podcast All of the Above with Norman Lear, at age 95, sharing stories and seeking wisdom from 64 guests over two years.

Also known for supporting liberal and progressive causes and politicians, Norman founded People for the American Way, a progressive advocacy organization, in 1981. And yet, at the same time, Norman nurtured a pen pal relationship with President Ronald Regan, a staunch Republican supporting opposing views.

Commenting on the ostensible conflict, Norman responded like an earnest mentee of life, “We are in this lifetime together. And maybe it’s possible to appreciate the other guy for the way his mind works, even when he’s not working your way.”

How did Norman come to this philosophy? He loved Ralph Waldo Emerson’s quote: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way, and in that, I learn from him.”

As Norman approached his centenarian milestone, he was interviewed often, inviting him to reflect and mentor us from his lifetime of exploring and experimenting. Norman offered this advice:

“There are two little words we don’t pay enough attention to: Over and Next.”

“Over!” is recognizing when an experience is done, letting it go, and refusing to ruminate. And “Next!” is eagerly anticipating and creating the possibility of the future.

Norman urged, “When something is over, it is over, and we are on to the next. Between those words, we live in moments – make the most of them.”

[Flash] Mentors Have Made the Story of My Career

Recently, I participated in a mentoring planning retreat at Wellstar Health System, where teams designed mentoring programs for residency, career pathing, and leadership.

During lunch, Nurse Executive Susan Grant recognized the teams for contributing to the mentoring culture at Wellstar. She stressed its importance, pointing to evidence that connects mentoring to nurse satisfaction and patient safety.

Susan also reflected on the significant role mentoring has played in her career path, quoting:

“Helen Keller said, ‘My friends have made the story of my life.’ Well, my mentors have made the story of my career.”

Susan then shared the stories of the pivotal mentors who guided, encouraged, and championed her career transitions from new nurse to nurse leader. Admittedly, some were intentional mentors, while others were unexpected and only appreciated in hindsight.

Susan’s mentor-enriched experience made me reflect on the mentors who have made the story of my career…

Mr. Rogina, my high school business law teacher, who sparked my enthusiasm for law.
My mom who announced that, yes, in fact, women can be lawyers.
Glen Rossman who encouraged me to relocate to California to join his practice.
Allison Leopold Tilley who showed me how to be a confident Silicon Valley lawyer.
My clients Robert Siegel and Piyush Patel who helped me think like an entrepreneur.
Jan King who guided me in publishing my first book.
Pam Deahl who invited me to pitch my first mentoring program 20 years ago.
Kathleen Ronald who practically pushed me onto my first keynote stage.
Pat McFarland who partnered with me to bring mentoring to the Association of California Nurse Leaders.
Janette Moreno who nudged me to attend my first Magnet conference.

And those are merely a few highlights! The list would be indescribably long if I mentioned every colleague or client who contributed to me through their mentoring.

Not only have my mentors made my career, but they’ve also made the journey less lonely and more fulfilling while bolstering my confidence and positivity.

(As this month’s energetic webinar guest Jenny Apostol described, “Mentors become our fan base!”)

This exercise is also inspiring me to acknowledge that my mentees have also made my career.

By mentoring others, I have noticeably improved my active listening, guided problem-solving, and altruistic championing…

…essential skills for being a great peer, leader, and human being!

[Flash] Win the Week (Mentoring from Stephen Curry)

NBA basketball point guard Stephen Curry plays for the Golden State Warriors. The winningest team since the Chicago Bulls in the 90s, the Warriors hold the record for the most wins in an NBA season.

When Stephen appeared as a guest on the SmartLess podcast recently, the hosts reflected on the team’s enduring success, posing this thoughtful question:

How does a team that has appeared in six finals and won four championships in the last nine years sustain its drive season after season?

And like a mentor, Stephen offered a fresh perspective and a valuable strategy:

“If we don’t win a championship, it’s a failed season for us because of the standard. But you can’t just show up and say that. There must be a level of detail for how we approach the year.

“We have to win the week – that’s what we call it. This gives us a singular focus – we must have a weekly winning record.

“That’s how we get the bite-sized motivation for the 9-month journey. We seek little bits of celebratory moments. When we go 2 (wins) to 1 (loss) in a 3-game week, we say, ‘Yeah! We did that!’

“It might sound strange for a team that has won four championships, but it keeps us in the fight.”

Win the Week!

1. Tackle weekly mini-goals in pursuit of an audacious, aspirational goal
2. Create a singular focus
3. Combat overwhelm by climbing molehills, not mountains
4. Seek celebratory moments
5. Work on excellence, not perfection.

For the Warriors, “Win the Week” does not equate to being undefeated. Instead, the aim each week is to win more than lose.

How could we leverage Win the Week?

When Stephen King writes a book, he aims for 1,000 words a day.
When I biked across the country, I aimed for 50 miles a day.
For specific sales quotas, aim for 500 calls and 500 emails per week.
For managers committed to 100% retention, aim for five recognition emails and three 1:1 meetings each week.
For certain health goals, aim for five intense workouts per week and seven hours of sleep per night.

Setting audacious goals is not the challenge. It’s sticking with them that topples the best of aspirations.

On the literal and proverbial court, championships don’t happen unless we first Win the Week.

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