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In Chapter 6, Voss recommends that when pitching a manager for a new role or project, don’t be a body for a job. Be an ambassador of their success.

Doing so will validate their intelligence while recruiting an unofficial mentor at the same time.

How? Ask: “What does it take to be successful here?” 

This purposeful inquiry signals an invitation for their advice and guidance.

When someone gives us advice, the Advice Giver covertly hopes we follow it – our actions confirm their wisdom. 

So, the Advice Giver will observe our next move and stake a personal claim on our success.

With that one question, we offer the Advice Giver an opportunity to invest in us, like a mentor.

Advice Hesitation? 

If one question could rouse a champion…

• Why don’t we initiate more advice-inviting conversations?
• Why aren’t we sending out signals for guidance?
• Why don’t we stealthily recruit mentors from everyday connections?

Because conceding that we need advice or help can often feel vulnerable, an admission that we don’t have all the answers. This carries the burden of embarrassment, buttressed on a foundation of fear.

Get past that discomfort, and our world will be bursting with wisdom!

Advice-inviting is an empowering skill set, simultaneously requiring and fueling our confidence, courage, and curiosity.

7 Steps to Advice-Inviting:

1. Pick a person to learn from.
2. Acknowledge their value (“I noticed your recent success on X project.”)
3. Share a goal/transition/challenge/aspiration
4. Ask purposeful, advice-inviting questions:
   • What does it take to be successful here?
   • What did you learn when you did X? 
   • How did you make that decision?
   • What do you wish you had done differently? 
5. Listen for their contributions 
6. Take some action – experiment!
7. Follow up with results, insights, and gratitude.

Pick a problem. Pick a person. Pick their brain.

When we actively and regularly engage in advice-inviting conversations, we can drastically deepen our connections and outcomes.

Don’t worry about calling someone a “mentor” – purposefully invite their advice and their mentoring will follow.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

ps. Have you registered yet for our 2024-Q3 complimentary webinar?
“Boost Mentoring Participation: Harness Motivational Assessments to Drive Employee Engagement and Retention”
Date: Fri Aug 9 @ 10am PT | 11am MT | 12pm CT | 1pm ET
Register: www.mentorlead.com/webinars

My niece Lulu is playing the same game. As a varsity swimmer ranked 13th in the state and a freshman in high school, she swims 36 miles a week!

Last weekend, Lulu competed in a 4-day regional swim meet. Before she left, she shared with me the goals she set for each race in the competition – she had typed the following into the Notes app on her iPhone:

• 400 Freestyle: drop 6 seconds
• 100 Freestyle: under a minute, sprint all out, maintain breathing every 3 and 6 dolphin kicks off the wall
• 200 Breaststroke: under 3 minutes, aim for 2:58:59
• 200 IM: drop 2 seconds to get champ cut
• 100 Fly: 6 dolphin kicks off each wall and kick more fluently
• 200 Freestyle: hold 32 and get NCSA cut
• 50 Freestyle: go a 28 to get my speedo sectional cut
• 100 Breaststroke: hold a good pace
• 50 Breaststroke: swim and enjoy it
• 200 Backstroke: try not to die on the last 50 and just swim (She detests the backstroke.)

Lulu doesn’t just swim to win a race. She swims to improve her performance, her skills, her team, and her experience.

When she returned from the competition, she sent me a screenshot of the Notes app where she captured her results (set forth below).

Notice how she frames every result in a reflective, self-affirming, swimming-toward-a-better-version-of-myself way.

Results:

• 400 Freestyle: added time but got second and I’m happy with my swim. I also stuck to my breathing pattern and kicks off the wall
• 100 Freestyle: I was super close to under a minute which will be good for next time. I got 1:00.09
• 200 Breaststroke: went under 3 minutes by a lot and dropped 13 seconds. Very happy with that swim
• 200 IM: very happy with my swim, dropped 5 seconds
• 100 Fly: Very happy with my swim, dropped 3 seconds and swam it very smart
• 200 Freestyle: I didn’t do as good as I wanted to but I’m still happy with it because I dropped in it and I hadn’t dropped in over a year
• 50 Freestyle: did well but didn’t drop; I’m happy with my swim
• 100 Breaststroke: Added but still had a good race; smart swimming and got points for the team 
• 50 Breaststroke: fun race, did good, and got points for the team
• 200 Backstroke: happy with my swim but was very tired when swimming

In our goal-obsessed culture, it’s easy to only value races won, mountains climbed, breakthroughs discovered, solutions invented, money made, and degrees earned.

No wonder some mentees struggle to get started with their mentor – they think they need a career-pivoting, earth-shattering goal.

What if instead we simply showed up in search of a better version of ourselves? Seeking to be a bit more patient, empathetic, productive, strategic, or kinder today than we were yesterday.

We might be happy with our swim, too.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

But he never intended to be an actor. In fact, he wasn’t in theater in high school, never went to Broadway shows growing up, and didn’t even know any actors.

Instead, David chose the path to become a college professor, earning an English degree from Princeton and entering the PhD program at Yale.

So, what happened?

David became restless. He was 22, sitting in a Yale library reading all day.

As he recalls, the last time he felt alive was when he was playing sports. He wanted to recapture that joy—he missed the collaboration, tension, and excitement.  

He wanted more life in his life.

So, David went exploring.

Hoping to hang out with people again, he dabbled with writing plays. And Yale’s drama school allowed him to sit in on—shadow!—writing classes. There, he drifted in and out, meeting interesting people.

Soon, some students asked David to join their production. He justified, “Heck, if I’m going to write plays or screenplays, I should probably experience what it’s like to say the words.”

And with that, a paradigm shift occurred. Acting introduced David to a sea of reactivity, emotions, and expressions, a stark contrast to academic pondering and brooding.

While he continued to teach at Yale for the next three years, David explored this newfound passion by taking acting classes twice a week in New York City. Following a gut instinct, he dropped out of his PhD program (a dissertation shy) and moved to California to pursue a career in acting.

From there, David’s career became an iterative journey for six years until he landed the lead in The X-Files, transforming his passion into a profession.

That’s the power of job shadowing!

David’s dabbling, observing, and experiencing informed his career path.

Job shadowing is a mentoring conversation in action. It’s not about changing careers; it’s about leveraging exposure and experience to better guide our choices.

• With informational interviews, we discover someone’s job through inquiry.
• With job shadowing, we experience their job through observation and participation.

Through the unique exposure to someone’s role, we expand our perspective by witnessing theirs. 

If you’re feeling restless or stuck, step into a new mentoring conversation at the intersection of connection, curiosity, and contemplation.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Not surprising, for Shetty has long argued that compatibility is more important than chemistry in the world of romance.

This equally applies in the world of mentoring: compatibility eclipses chemistry.

What is compatibility? It’s about aligning interests, goals, and motivations to work together in harmony and navigate challenges with flexibility, forgiveness, and friendship.

Whether you’re on a love or learning journey, look for partners whose approach to life and work synch with yours.

Here are Shetty’s words in the new Match.com commercial.

“There are more ways than ever to meet someone, yet here we are, disillusioned and struggling to meet someone. Maybe it’s time we date differently. 

Take the pressure off that first date and focus on the conversation. Know your values and be curious about theirs. It’s okay to be vulnerable and ask deeper questions like, ‘What’s an experience you’d love to relive for the first time?’ To be more present, show up as your most authentic self and pay attention to the little things. 

So, throw out the checklist and commit to a plan. Give someone new a chance. I’m partnering with Match. Starting today, we challenge you to date differently.”

If he hadn’t said “date,” I would have bet Shetty was talking about mentoring!

Mentoring is a concept as old as time. And many people still believe that mentoring, like dating, will happen naturally, evolving from a professional or personal relationship.

As Shetty described, there are more ways than ever to connect, yet people struggle to find mentors. 

Instead of hoping a mentor will magically appear, let’s actively create the mentoring we want:

• Register for a structured mentoring program and be purposefully matched.
• Take the initiative on a networking or mentoring platform to search and connect – be a mentor and a mentee!
• Start with informational interviews and exploratory conversations.
• Kindle job shadowing, internships, apprenticeships, and on-the-job training.
• Infuse mentoring questions into everyday conversations, like “What did you learn when you…?”
• Post on LinkedIn that you are seeking a mentor or mentee (and why!).
• Share your goals and ask: “Who do you know who could help?”
• Join or create a mentoring circle to deep dive into a topic.
• Create a task force or advisory board to use as your sounding board.
• Invite a friend to engage in peer mentoring or as accountability buddies.
• Volunteer on committees, projects, or in the community to practice learning from new people.

Obi-Wan Kenobi is not coming. It’s time to mentor differently!

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

That is until the day an audience member walked up to me and sneered, “Go ahead, motivate me. This should be fun.” She may have been derisive, but she was right.

We can’t motivate people. Motivation is intrinsic – people must motivate themselves. What can we do? Inspire, influence, and encourage.

A similar challenge plagues mentoring programs:

• Find the mentor, then find the motivation, or
• Find the motivation, then find the mentor.

Program leaders often mistakenly recruit people who want a mentor instead of looking for motivated people ready to work with a mentor—a slight but essential nuance.

I conducted an informal poll earlier this year, and the results underscored this lack of motivation.

Poll: “Why have you not yet worked with a mentor?”
The number one answer: I don’t know what to talk about with a mentor.

In other words, when people aren’t motivated to create or change something, they have no burning need to seek a mentor’s advice, guidance, support, ideas, connections, resources, validation, or encouragement.

And that’s when we hear the banal, “I’m-so-busy.”

Regardless of how busy people are, when they are motivated, they make time. When they uncover their motivation, mentoring becomes the gateway.

But how do we identify our motivation? Intentionally.

My friend and colleague April Stensgard recently introduced me to MCode, an assessment designed to unearth motivations—the hidden forces that drive us.

Admittedly, when I took the assessment, I was not surprised by my motivational code; I was surprised that I had lost sight of what motivates me. The exercise ignited a fire I had forgotten.

From this fire springs goals!

The tipping point in any mentoring program occurs when we anchor mentoring to that which is important to participants – their motivations, their goals!

Anchors

• Onboarding to a new role, new skill, new organization
• Feeling stuck in a job
• Considering career directions
• Launching a project
• Weighing a path-pivoting opportunity
• Pursuing a degree or a certification
• Seeking a promotion (ex: clinical ladder)
• Struggling to meet manager expectations
• Engaging in a leadership program
• Executing a succession process

Mentors can’t spark the fire, but they definitely fan the flames.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

The next best way? Eavesdropping on other people mentoring.

And thanks to Guy Raz’s wildly popular podcast for entrepreneurs, How I Built This, we can unabashedly eavesdrop by listening to the episodes entitled “Advice Line.”

During each “Advice Line” show, an early-stage founder (the Mentee) obtains advice from a seasoned business founder (Guy’s co-Mentor), like Tom Rinks, founder of Sun Bum, and Gary Erickson, founder of Clif Bar.

Each conversation follows the same formula:

Connect
Guy: “Welcome! Tell us your name, where you’re calling from, and the name of your business.”

(Smart! Take a moment to learn a bit about a Mentee.)

Identify the Issue
Guy: “And tell us the question you brought for us.”

The Mentee posits a question. If the Mentee begins to offer excessive details about their business, Guy kindly but directly interrupts, “Before we go there, what is your question?”

(Smart! Mentees often unload the whole story before revealing the issue.)

Seek Context and Backstory
Guy then asks his co-Mentor (the seasoned business founder): “What questions do you have for the early-stage founder before we offer advice?”

(Smart! We tend to solve problems when we hear them. But seeking context from a Mentee before offering help ensures our advice is relevant and valuable.)

So, Guy and his co-Mentor ask questions to understand the situation better.

• “Why did you start this business?”
• “How does your product work?”
• “What differentiates you from [a competitor]?”

Offer Guidance
With a greater understanding, the co-Mentors then share advice, provide examples from their own business-launching experience, and generate ideas.

Explore the Advice
From there, the three entrepreneurs dialogue their ideas, consider various options, and challenge roadblocks.

Express Gratitude and Conclude
Finally, the Mentee expresses appreciation for the advice and leaves with an action plan and a promise to follow up.

The Advice Line formula is deliberately focused, allowing the conversation to transpire organically but with intention. 

In just 15 minutes, the co-Mentors effectively observe, guide, advise, ideate, validate, and encourage a Mentee.

Every mentoring conversation, whether arising in a formal mentoring program or infused into a manager-employee meeting, is more productive when it has structured freedom.

Of course, take mentor training and use mentor guides. But to elevate your mentoring skills, listen for opportunities to witness mentors mentoring – they inevitably mentor the eavesdropper! 

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

One of the hosts, Sean Hayes, asked her, “Has anyone come backstage to pop off about how you could make it better?”

Ironically, someone had! And Sarah was eager to tell the tale…

Actress Trish Hawkins came to see Sarah perform in a play called Tally’s Folly. Years before, Trish had played the same role as Sarah in the same play.

Two days later, Sarah received from Trish a six-page email with notes, observations, and recommendations for Sarah based on Trish’s prior experience.

Let’s assume that Trish was well-intended and merely meant to contribute to Sarah based on the wisdom she had gained in the same role.

The problem? Trish never asked if Sarah wanted any advice on improving her performance. And Sarah felt blindsided by Trish’s email—she didn’t ask for nor expect Trish’s advice.

To Sarah, Trish’s contribution felt like a condemnation, regardless of intention.

Insulted and incensed, Sarah tattled on Trish’s advice-bombing to 25 million listeners of the SmartLess podcast in retribution. She called Trish’s actions “outrageous!” 

When we’re unprepared to receive advice, we can easily feel judged and criticized.

In mentoring, we are called upon to get and give advice. So, what can you do differently to exchange wisdom?

When advice is unexpected, protect your confidence (and the relationship):

1. Assume good intent, albeit poor delivery.
2. Recognize and respect your “emotional boundaries” in different situations. Feeling vulnerable, insecure, or fragile is no state for incoming counsel.
3. Sift for good stuff, “What did you like about the performance?”
4. Pause the blitz, “Could we do this later?”
5. Stop reading any advice-filled email until you’re ready.
6. Playfully retort, “Darn. I wish I were in the right mindset to hear this!”
7. Resist revenge.

To contribute (without unintentionally condemning):

1. “I’ve had a similar experience! Let’s exchange war stories and insights when you’re ready.”
2. “My perspective is a bit different. Let me know when you think it might be valuable to you.”
3. “I’m happy to collaborate on ideas.”
4. “Would you consider…? What if…?”
5. “How can I help?”
6. “What has your experience been like? What have you learned?”
7. “How have you grown since you started this project?”

Advice is the heart of mentoring, and it only beats with compassion.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Fluffy found Trevor backstage and boldly made him an offer: “Come on the road with me. I want to expose you to my audience – I think they will love you.”

Reflecting on this conversation, Trevor acknowledged, “One of the greatest gifts you gave me was putting me in front of audiences that never otherwise would have seen me. I wouldn’t have become the host of The Daily Show without you.”

Trevor asked his mentor, “Why did you bring me on the road with you?”

Fluffy: “You were different, so unique. I look at the entire show from the fan’s experience and ask, ‘Are people going to enjoy it from the beginning to the end? Or are they just sitting there waiting for me?’”

Fluffy continued: “When other people put on a kick-ass show, it makes me work harder because now I have to perform better than I’m used to performing. It makes me a better comic.”

Mentoring is often seen as an altruistic, pay-it-forward act. But let’s also appreciate the selfishness that can steer us into mentoring.

Fluffy deliberately took Trevor under his wing, but not philanthropically. He wasn’t wandering the streets of LA, wondering whose career he could ignite.

Fluffy identified an opportunity to benefit from mentoring Trevor. He was confident that while he helped Trevor, Trevor could help him.

Yes, mentoring is deeply rooted in and fueled by altruism. But altruism alone does not typically compel action.

The pursuit of success compels action. Fluffy’s commitment to the success of his show drove him to seek out Trevor and offer him the opening act.

A selfish quest for success and a selfless commitment to make a difference can and do co-exist. When Trevor became Fluffy’s opening act, Fluffy committed to mentoring Trevor: expanding Trevor’s audience, teaching him about the business, and advising him on cultivating an audience.

What selfish reason do you have to mentor? 

Could mentoring others:

• earn points on your clinical ladder or support a certification or doctorate journey?
• demonstrate your leadership?
• improve your confidence?
• shift your team’s performance?
• help onboard, engage, and retain your organization’s coveted new employees?
• expose you to different departments, job levels, or generations?
• expand your network?
• change your attitude at work?
• inspire your own growth?

There’s power in selfish selflessness – the reciprocal nature of your mentoring relationship will alchemize you and your Mentee.   

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.