• 59 years
• 1+ million miles
• 5+ million deliveries
• 0 accidents

Tom graciously attributes his safety record to UPS’s excellent training program and accountability. But we must also credit Tom’s common sense and his job love.

When The New York Times asked about his achievement, Tom offered the following tips for success behind the wheel. We can easily apply his wisdom for our own triumph in life.

1. Scan the big picture. Keep your eyes moving. 
We often fixate on details and miss context. Being aware of the changing landscape can allow us to make better decisions.

2. When the light turns green, count 1-2-3 before moving.
If we pause to count in any situation, we can take action deliberately, not emotionally.

3. Check the mirrors. 
We all have blind spots, and moving forward without looking for them limits our potential.

4. Let erratic drivers pass.
We can’t change people, but we can protect ourselves.

5. Keep your mind focused.
It’s dangerous to drive on the road or go through life while staring at a screen. Being present gives us the power to choose our next steps purposefully.

6. If there’s rain, snow, or sleet, slow down.
We cannot control some changes; we must adapt, adjust, and persevere accordingly.

7. Assume the other guy is daydreaming.
Other people do not perceive the world as we do and assuming they do fuels miscommunications, conflict, and altercations.

8. Use your turn signal.
When we communicate our intentions and expectations, we engender trust and strengthen relationships.

Tom doesn’t just have a safe driving record. He has job love: pride, purpose, and passion from executing his job in a way that makes a difference.

Safe driving, job love, and wisdom… three things that would benefit us all!

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

During the race, I also enjoyed watching the team’s swim coach on the side of the pool energetically orchestrating, instructing, guiding, and cheering. He scissored his arms wildly to encourage swimmers to kick harder. He swept his arm across his body repeatedly to urge them to swim faster. And at the halfway point, he raised his arms straight in the air and bellowed, “Half! Half! Half!”

But what he didn’t do was jump into the pool to assist them. He didn’t move a swimmer’s head, arms, or feet, and he didn’t swim for them. Instead, his job was to coach them to be better swimmers.

Also standing on the side of the pool was a lifeguard. She didn’t care if the swimmers were swimming better. She wasn’t committed to growing and developing their swimming skills. Her sole job that day was to rescue them.

As managers and mentors, we need to be more like the Swim Coach and less like the Lifeguard.

In 1968, therapist Dr. Stephen B. Karpman published an article proposing a social model now known as the Karpman Drama Triangle: when in conflict, stress, or high anxiety, people engage in a destructive interaction by adopting one of three dramatic roles. This role allows them to feel justified and entrenched in their position but doesn’t typically resolve the issue that caused the conflict.

Dramatic Roles:

• Victim: “Nothing will work. It’s useless even to try!”
• Rescuer: “Let me help you and fix it!”
• Persecutor: “I cannot believe I am surrounded by such fools and idiots!”

Managers often confess to me their Rescuer tendencies. They grapple with an overwhelming need to help, coupled with an undeniable feeling of guilt if they don’t.

But rescuing doesn’t empower change; it enables helplessness. And this often causes a Rescuer to become the Persecutor, directing their anger at a Victim.

Ironically, the dramatic interaction also keeps the Rescuing manager trapped. By focusing on a Victim’s problems, the manager avoids taking responsibility for their own.

As I watched my niece’s Swim Coach cheer, direct, guide, and advise her and her friends, there was a noticeable absence of victimizing, rescuing, and persecuting. Just a bunch of eager swimmers getting stronger.

Yes, sometimes we need to be the Lifeguard to prevent our people from drowning. But, when we act more like the Swim Coach, we ensure our people know how to swim.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Every election, I feel like a snowflake. I am not responsible for the choices on the ballot. My vote doesn’t feel like it impacts the election. And I practically forget about the candidates until the next election.

I vote anyway. I cajole myself into the voting booth with mental reminders that voting is a privilege.

Inevitably when some candidate loses by 100,000 votes, it affirms my feelings of insignificance in the voting process.

Until last year. Three people ran for my neighborhood’s alderman seat on the City Council. I was in the voting booth, about to vote for Candidate #1, who had an excellent reputation in town, but I changed my mind. Why? Because I remembered meeting Candidate #2. I liked her, and I promised her that she had my vote.

The result? Candidate #3 won. Candidate #2 lost by a lot. And Candidate #1? The one I had intended to vote for? He lost by one vote. My vote! Yikes. No longer a snowflake, I felt like a snowplow! 

Whether it’s voting, watching the news, reading about climate issues, or working at large organizations, it’s easy to feel insignificant. And when we do, we look for absolution, quickly arguing “not my responsibility” or “not my problem” or “what difference does it make?”

But what if “feeling responsible” is not about accepting blame but about owning our power to influence? What if it’s steeped in a fervent belief that we can impact the greater good with our actions or inactions?

Think about all the seemingly insignificant actions we take regularly that ultimately influence others, sometimes significantly:

• We smile and wave
• We compliment
• We donate food and clothes
• We volunteer
• We tip generously
• We write reviews on Amazon
• We wish others a happy birthday
• We send cards
• We mentor, teach, coach, guide, advise, and cheer
• We stand up for others

Not because we have to but because we want to. Because we know our contributions will make a difference in some way.

Now, what if we leaned into our ability to affect situations for the better? What impact – big or small – could we make at work and in the world?

Snowflakes don’t believe in their power to influence. But snowmen (and snowwomen!) always do. 

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

In other words, a pilot must keep the airplane within one nautical mile on each side of the intended flight path for 95 percent of the flight time… at 35,000 feet without the guidance of lanes and road signs.

To stay within FAA regulations, pilots must constantly engage with Air Traffic Control Specialists (ATCSs).

But ATCSs are not providing pilots with feedback – they aren’t offering their reaction or response to a pilot’s process or activity. If they did, it might sound like, “Hi Pilot. I’m happy about how you navigated that weather pattern. But I’m worried that you’re veering a bit off track.”

ACTSs don’t give feedback. They give information.

They provide the requisite input pilots need to stay the course and reach their destination.

Managers and Mentors are like Air Traffic Control Specialists. And like pilots, people don’t need feedback from their Manager or Mentor – they need a flow of information to ensure they don’t miss their destination… their goals!

People crave specific, immediate, in-the-situation information. Certainly, people depend on information in the same way pilots do; without it, they are unsure if they are on course or not.

And in practice, if Managers and Mentors contribute information regularly, people won’t fear receiving it, and Managers and Mentors won’t fear delivering it.

The strategy? An intentional focus on giving and getting actionable information. For example:

• Managers and Mentors: “I have some information that will help you achieve your performance/learning goal.”
• Employees and Mentees: “I’m headed in this new direction. What information can you offer to help me get there?”

By serving like ACTSs, we can provide the information people require, thereby replacing fear of feedback with the impetus for information. 

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Driven by my commitment to mentor (and my birthday), I decided to explore these questions.

(1) What are the books you’ve given most as a gift, or what books have greatly influenced your life?

• The Magic of Thinking Big by David J Schwartz
• The Alchemist by Paul Coelho
• Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
• Caste by Isabel Wilkerson
• Think Again by Adam Grant
• Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

(2) What purchase of $100 or less has most positively impacted your life in the last six months?

My bicycle bell by Pro Bike Tool. After three decades of pedaling, I’ve finally stopped shouting “On your left!” to walkers on the bike path. Now I ring the bell, wave, and say, “Good morning!”

(3) How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success? Do you have a “favorite failure” of yours?

I launched a woman’s conference in 2004 entitled “Women’s Economic Power Day.” I expanded it in 2005, 2006, and 2007 to eight cities across the country. I proceeded with passion but without any plan. As a result, it was not sustainable, nor did I make any money. But I became an entrepreneur and a keynote speaker in the process. And I met some amazing women, many of whom I still count as friends today!

(4) If you could have a gigantic billboard anywhere with anything on it – metaphorically speaking, getting a message out to millions or billions – what would it say?

You are never stuck. 

(5) What is one of the best or most worthwhile investments you’ve ever made?

The partnership with my husband. He gives me the space and grace to approach life as an adventure.

(6) What is an unusual habit or an absurd thing that you love?

Moving turtles off the road and freeing spiders from my house (and inevitably talking to them as I relocate these creatures).

(7) In the last five years, what new belief, behavior, or habit has most improved your life?

Every morning while walking my dogs, I listen to books on Audible. I’ve experienced profound and compelling books that I used to feel guilty about not reading.

(8) What advice would you give to a smart, driven college student about to enter the “real world”?

No one will ever be as obsessed with your success as you are.  So, don’t wait for permission to take chances. Constantly improve yourself and your environment. Stop trying to impress everyone else. Just impress yourself. And seek to be of service – use your work to make a difference.

(9) What are bad recommendations you hear in your profession or area of expertise?

I cringe when I hear, “We should wait. People are too busy…” No, they’re not. They might be too distracted, derailed, or disorganized, but people are never too busy for what is important to them! It’s not time we need more of… it’s meaning.

(10) In the last five years, what have you become better at saying no to (distractions, invitations, etc.)? What new realizations and/or approaches helped?

Big parties or dinners. I realize how much I enjoy connecting in tiny groups replete with soul-filling conversations rather than constantly practicing my how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people skills in large gatherings. And frankly, I’m exhausted trying to make everyone happy.

(11) When you feel overwhelmed or unfocused or have lost your focus temporarily, what do you do?

I ask, “Why am I doing this? What’s the point? And will it matter next week, next month, or next year?” And I usually ask these questions while biking or walking my dogs.

This Reflection.
When I started this exercise, I intended to simply share some wisdom on my birthday.

But then I found myself pausing to reflect on and deeply appreciate my journey. And by articulating my insights, I substantially reinforced my learnings and even bolstered my confidence.

Sharing wisdom is its own development experience and ultimately an integral part of every Mentor’s growth journey (despite our fervent focus on the Mentees’ growth!).

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

What made Koko famous was her ability to communicate using American Sign Language. Koko knew more than 1,000 signs and could understand approximately 2,000 words spoken in English. Her vocabulary equaled that of a 3-year-old human.

Koko used language the same way people do, even deploying her language skills to avoid responsibility.

One morning, video cameras captured Koko playing around in her cage and sitting on the sink. Due to her weight, the sink ripped away from the wall. Later, when her caregiver asked her about it, Koko blatantly lied by signing, “Kate did it.”

She accused Kate, the assistant trainer!

It seems that deflecting blame to avoid responsibility is a tactic we’ve been leveraging since before we could walk upright.

Because responsibility feels like a gateway to judgment and criticism, it’s understandable that our first reaction is to declare, “Not my fault!” and then point the finger at someone else.

Likewise, no one wants to be schooled or shamed into accepting responsibility or embracing constructive criticism. Even “holding people accountable” feels pejorative.

People need a reason to own their actions. The best reason? To improve their future.

When you hear blaming, excusing, justifying, rationalizing, or defending, ask:

• What would you do differently next time?
• What can we do in the future to prevent this?
• What have we learned that we can use?
• What’s our next step?
• Despite this mistake / disappointment / miscommunication / frustration / issue / error / setback, what do we need to do to attain the outcome we want?

Accountability is the maturity to own our past actions in order to create and improve our future ones. Koko didn’t get it, but we can!

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com