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[Flash] Not For Me… Rethinking Boundaries

I discovered a simple yet powerful boundary dining with new colleagues at a trendy restaurant in Chicago.

I ordered a glass of wine, and the waiter asked, “Can I recommend something I think you’ll enjoy even more?” I said, “Sure…” (because my default is set to “yes”)

He brought us a taste of his favorite wine. It was good (not great), but I’m a people-pleaser, so I said, “I’ll take it.”

As the tasting traveled around the table, everyone else said, “Me too.”

Until we got to Gena.

She took a sip, smiled, and without hesitation, said confidently and unapologetically, “Not for me.” She then ordered exactly what she wanted. She wasn’t concerned about offending his feelings or ours.

My boundary envy soared! I immediately respected this new friend and inhaled her inadvertent mentoring.

Typically, we consider boundaries as limitations, such as, “I cannot commit.” “I don’t appreciate that tone.” “I only work until 5.”

But boundaries are not just about restricting or refuting. Boundaries can be a communication of priorities and preferences.

Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab says, “We place boundaries for ourselves, not for other people. It’s about what we can do in the future; it’s not always about what the other person needs to do.”

So, what’s the challenge? Why do we hesitate to communicate what we want?

People-pleasing and social conditioning are largely to blame. We tend to orchestrate our words and actions to nurture and protect people’s emotions. We work hard to avoid letting people down – this is known as “emotional labor.”

The Boundary Boss author Terri Cole says, “Asking for what you prefer does not mean you are criticizing someone else.”

When we can distinguish that a “No” is about the situation, not the person, we can unchain ourselves from this emotional labor.

Which makes “not for me” so brilliant! Undoubtedly, I’m referring to the situation and not the person, without any need to justify or elaborate.

So, when should we start using this power-packed phrase?

Nedra says, “Notice how you feel. Feelings tell you when and where you need more boundaries to feel less anxious, sad, or frustrated.”

Ultimately, communicating a boundary – even as simple as “not for me” – fuels self-respect.

And without self-respect, we cannot learn or grow, regardless of the caliber of the mentoring.

[Flash] Reverse Mentoring is Not for Hacks

The dramedy television series Hacks centers around Debra Vance, a legendary stand-up comedian, as she grapples with a rapidly changing profession threatening to discard her.

When Debra’s manager recommends that she hire a younger comic to write jokes for her, she is incensed! She doesn’t need help, especially from a comedian two generations apart.

Ava, the younger comedian writer, is undeterred, and somewhat belligerent, calling Debra a “hack” – someone whose work has become dull, unimaginative, and mediocre.

That label forced Debra to admit that Ava was correct. She had calcified, her material had become trite, and she had stopped growing.

Over the next three seasons, Ava mentors Debra in an informal, reverse mentoring relationship. Deborah evolves, and Ava thrives in her role.

Reverse Mentoring
Reverse mentoring occurs when someone younger or junior mentors someone senior or more experienced. It’s an effective way to bridge generational gaps.

In 1999, Jack Welch, CEO of General Electric, initiated a reverse mentoring program in response to the onslaught of technology rattling the business landscape. He noticed his senior leaders resisting the new digital world and feared GE would be left behind.

Jack paired 500 senior leaders (the mentees) with younger, tech-savvy employees (the mentors) who provided mentoring on hi-tech trends, including the internet and email.

The result? Senior leaders grew confident in incorporating technological strategies into their operations, helping GE stay competitive.

Challenges
The potential of reverse mentoring risks stalling at the intersection of pride and pressure.

Pride: Acknowledging the need for knowledge and wisdom can make senior leader mentees feel vulnerable.
Pressure The power dynamics can intimidate new employee mentors who lack confidence.

But the value of “mentoring up” is worth the discomfort.

Reverse mentoring:

Highlights the potential of younger generations to contribute insights and expertise
Fuels a culture of continuous learning and resilience
Fosters inclusion, recognition, collaboration, and innovation
Showcases the power of diverse perspectives

We can generate reverse mentoring in any conversation by shifting our mindset from “leader” to “mentee” and asking mentoring questions to our younger, newer, or greener colleagues:

What do you think of this idea?
What is your perspective?
How can I improve?
What am I not seeing?
What advice or guidance do you have?
What’s it like from your experience?
Are you noticing any trends that might impact our decision?

While often overlooked, reverse mentoring offers an opportunity to unearth potential in both participants.

Don’t be a hack. Be a mentee!

[Flash] Not Enough Mentees? How Gen Z is Changing Mentorship

Multiple program leaders have called me recently to report: “I have too many mentors registered for my program but not enough mentees!”

Historically, we’ve seen the opposite problem: too many mentees and insufficient mentors.

A recent study revealed that 94% of employees would stay with an organization longer if it offered mentoring.

So, then, why is there a dearth of mentees?

Introducing Gen Z

According to the Pew Research Center, people considered part of Generation Z (“Gen Zs”) were born between 1996 and 2012. Today, they are between 12 and 27 years old — our youngest employees in the workforce — ideal mentees.

As Jonathan Haidt highlights in his new, riveting book The Anxious Generation, two pivotal events occurred during Gen Z’s adolescence:

1. Launch of the iPhone
2. Proliferation of social media platforms

As Haidt explains, Gen Zs became the first generation whose social lives moved onto smartphones and social media. This resulted in a drastic shift from a play-based childhood to a phone-based childhood.

According to Haidt, this shift robbed Gen Zs of essential growth and learning experiences. Isolated, they encountered a loss of shared stories, shared meanings, and human relationships.

In addition, Gen Zs experienced a “historical deprivation of freedom and unsupervised play” compared to previous generations. Why? Because their well-intentioned parents overprotected them from the real world and underprotected them from the new, virtual universe.

Ultimately, this digital intrusion has had an impact.

Surveys show that “Gen Zs are shyer, more risk averse, and less ambitious (due to risk aversion).”

Strategies to Mitigate the Digital Domination

Haidt advocates for:

reinvigorating play and independence
reimagining educational environments
fostering real-world engagement
bolstering resilience

Hello?! …Mentoring!

But First, We Need to Reach this New Generation

While Haidt’s work helps explain the underlying factors shaping Gen Z’s psyche, we can’t engage them if we can’t reach them.

Routinely mentoring program leaders invite participants using (1) mass emails promising career acceleration, and (2) general (often impersonal) announcements from leadership.

But these methods don’t kindle a generally shyer, risk-averse, and less outwardly ambitious population.

Solutions to Engage Gen Z in Mentoring

We need to create more personal communications and invitations that feel safer and are less assumptive about career trajectories while promising acceptance and belonging.

We also need to leverage their already trusting relationships to encourage the development of new trusting relationships.

Look to managers, preceptors, and peers to personally encourage people to consider mentoring.
Ask current participants to share stories about the difference their mentors have made.
Decrease risks around participating (ex, nickname it a buddy program, set a time limit, give them an out).
Deploy a structure with clear, uncomplicated expectations.
Change the narrative from “drive your career success!” to “find a trusted champion.”
Leverage group mentoring for smaller, safer environments.
Incorporate in-person opportunities if possible.

Perspective and Empathy

While generational work always involves generalizations and hazards oversimplifying and categorizing people, it offers us greater perspective and empathy.

If we want to foster real-world engagement and resilience at work, mentoring is our superpower, but it only works if we effort to meet people where they are.

[Flash] There’s Nothing Urgent About Mentoring (and that’s why you should do it)

We just kicked off another leadership mentoring program for one of our clients.

And I’m bracing myself for the inevitable…

Before the end, someone in the program will confess, “ugh. I’m sooo busy. I haven’t even connected with my Mentor!”

Of course, you’re busy! That’s how you got into the program. By successfully doing a lot of things – by being really great at your job.

But here’s the acute reality: there is nothing urgent about mentoring.

Mentoring is important, but it is not urgent. And that’s why we need to do it.

When we are committed to leading (a team, a project, or our careers), it’s imperative that we learn how to:

distinguish and serve the urgent (the issues, the emergencies)
while making time for the important (our goals, our ambitions).

It’s a critical yet overlooked leadership skill.

What is “important”?

growing ourselves and others
honing skills and creating new experiences
discovering fresh approaches and perspectives
collaborating, innovating, and improving
recognizing, appreciating, and celebrating others
connecting and building trusting relationships

By participating in a mentoring relationship, we have the opportunity to practice the art of intentionally advancing the important while effectively managing the urgent.

And if we can learn how to make time for the important-but-not-urgent, we’ll have an impact at work (and in life) well beyond our job titles.

So, how can we advance the important while managing the urgent?

Find something to be excited about (a heart-pumping goal)
Master communications (listening, speaking, setting expectations)
Tackle procrastination and eliminate time-zappers
Trust, engage, and involve the people around us
Be eager to learn and ready to evolve

Frankly, I don’t care if participants accomplish their goals in the mentoring program. I only care that they care.

When we are intentional with our time, our relationships, and our communications, we can commit to the important-but-not-urgent, navigate the urgent, and make a difference that ripples.

[Flash] It’s OK Not to Be a Mentor (Even If I Want You To)

When rookie quarterback Mark Willis joined the Tennessee Titans, veteran quarterback Ryan Tannehill commented in a press conference, “We’re competing against each other. I don’t think it’s my job to mentor him, but if he learns from me along the way, then that’s a great thing.”

His statement sparked a thunderstorm! NFL mentors rushed out of every corner to declare their commitment to mentoring others:

Marcus Mariota, quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons, said, “I have no ego. If the team drafts someone else, I’ll give as much advice and knowledge as I can.“
Eagle center Jason Kelce said, “The way you make a lasting impact as a player and as a person is how you influence other people and hopefully help others realize their dreams. That’s a big part of being a veteran player. I’d like to be part of something that lasts longer. I don’t want to just leave behind statistics and cool highlight blocks.”
Retired quarterback Kurt Warner, “I will never understand the ‘I’m not here to mentor the next guy’ mentality… so for all you young QBs that need a mentor, DM me, and I’ll be that guy, happy to help in any way I can!”

While we all need people on our team like Mariota, Kelce, and Warner, we also need to identify people like Tannehill – not to castigate their approach but to welcome their honesty.

Not everyone likes to mentor. Not everyone considers it essential to share their wisdom, especially with their future replacements. And not everyone is on a mission to support other people’s success. And that’s OK.

But if we guilt or shame these people into mentoring, we will invariably end up with a gaggle of mentors who don’t want to mentor. And that ruins the journey for both parties – the displeased mentors and the unfortunate mentees.

Instead, let’s create mentoring structures that attract, encourage, support, and acknowledge those who value mentoring others without punishing those who don’t.

Mentoring is a gratifying, leadership strengthening experience… but only for those who believe it is. Find them. Foster their potential to make a difference, and your rookies will be well cared for.

[Flash] Bend & Flex Mentoring (this is not your JCPenney Mentor)

In 1979 my cousin Ben started his career as an assistant buyer at JCPenney in New York City. During his training program, one of the senior leaders walked to Ben’s desk each week and said, “Let’s open our calendars and find a time for lunch.” It was easy to schedule since everyone worked in the office and took lunch daily from 12-1:00 pm.

During these lunches, they connected personally and discussed career paths at JCPenney. This senior leader wasn’t stressed, over-scheduled, or frenzied with any work, as Ben remembers it. His only role in the department at that swan song point in his career was to mentor new hires.

Mentoring doesn’t look like this anymore because our work doesn’t look like this anymore.

To reap the benefits of mentoring in today’s rapidly changing, everything-is-urgent work environments, we need a bend & flex approach. One in which we bend and flex our expectations and contributions to meet our mentoring partners where they are.

Examples of Bend & Flex Mentoring:

A night shift mentee connects via Zoom on her phone with a day shift mentor as she ends her shift and he begins his.
An executive at a medical center leaves her office each week to “walk and mentor” her mentee, a nurse manager, while he visits patients.
When a new hire mentee didn’t reach out or respond to her emails, a mentor called and sent text messages to initiate contact. Because of this perseverance, the mentee immediately trusted her new mentor.
When Hurricane Ida hit New Orleans in 2021, the mentors in a leadership mentoring program ensured their mentees shadowed them during the hospital’s hurricane briefing sessions.
A mentor on the West coast talks with his mentee in the UK via WhatsApp when the mentor is heading to the office and the mentee is driving home from the office.
Two directors paired in a year-long leadership mentoring program booked weekly 10-minute touch-base calls to ensure they sustained their momentum throughout the program.

How to bend & flex in mentoring:

Utilize calls, texts, emails, and LinkedIn messages
Leverage Zoom, Teams, Webex, FaceTime, or WhatsApp
Schedule quick 15-minute calls
Send questions/topics in advance
Engage in bite-sized conversations (tackle one question or one issue only)
Anchor meetings to other activities (ex: attending a company event)
Share calendars or a calendar link
Enroll assistants to find available timeslots
Jump on a Waiting List (meetings are regularly canceled or rescheduled; ask to jump into an available slot when one opens)
Take advantage of transition points, downtimes, and routines (ex: driving, airport waiting, dog walking)

When you are committed to growing, developing, and improving, saying “I’m too busy” is simply a breakdown in resourcefulness and a failure in gumption.

Bend & flex to create a mentoring adventure together.

[Flash] My Mentee Is Just Not That Into Me

“My Mentee is just not that into me,” said the Mentor.

I don’t typically hear this. More often, Mentees gripe about a Mentor who has gone missing in action.

Stereotypically, Mentees are hungry to connect and eager to learn, while Mentors are the wildcards – super busy, difficult to access, begrudgingly engaged.

But this Mentor was challenging these stereotypes with her confession.

Apparently, it was not for lack of trying. She routinely reached out to her Mentee, scheduled meetings with him weekly, connected him to others, and offered advice and ideas on his goals. But he regularly canceled their sessions and eventually stopped responding.

She was confident she had done something wrong…

Mentors! Here’s the rule for engaging with Mentees: You cannot be more excited about a Mentee’s growth and development than they are!

Why? Because it is their journey, not yours.

Your job is to:

Set clear expectations for how to work with you, and
Demonstrate your commitment to making a difference by listening, advising, guiding, cheering, and advocating.

You are not there to drive, push, force, compel, or shove your Mentee forward on that journey.

Mentees must own their journey.

If they don’t, they will not be responsible for their success. And they may even blame you when their journey disappoints.

This same rule applies to Managers. You cannot be more excited about your employee’s growth than they are.

Why do some people repel such generous offers of time, energy, and wisdom? It could be anything: confusion, apathy, resentment, distrust, anger, fear.

In other words… It’s not you. It’s them.

Meanwhile, there are plenty of Mentees who are eager to grow and hungry to learn from you.

All we can do is be a stand for and a contribution to people’s success. They will meet us there when they’re ready.

[Flash] Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Not Coming (and Why It’s OK to Ask Someone to Be Your Mentor)

I have been a proponent of formal mentoring long before the pandemic made it essential.

Why? Because in a world seduced by the urgent, formal mentoring forces us to prioritize that which is important.

Recently I facilitated a kick-off of a formal mentoring program that was purposefully designed to help newer team members connect with their colleagues. I introduced the formal structure stocked with assigned matches, goal worksheets, calendar invites, pre-meeting agendas, post-meeting notes, a mid-point roundtable, a final showcase of results, and a deliverable.

At the end of the kick-off, one of the mentors raised her hand (on Zoom), and asked, “I don’t understand why we need all of this formality. Can’t we just casually get to know each other and develop relationships?”

To which I replied candidly, “Of course you can! But you’ve been working with these new colleagues for the past two years. You’ve had ample opportunity to casually get to know them and develop relationships with them. And yet you didn’t.”

Conceding, she grimaced and nodded.

Many people argue that we should not ask people to be our mentor because it’s inauthentic, forced, burdensome, even awkward. Instead, they contend that mentoring should evolve organically.

I thought that was a horrible idea even before the pandemic closed the doors on those casual, chance hallway meetings, and forced everyone onto Zoom.

Why the subterfuge? Why take a cagey, covert approach to seeking mentorship? Why not be transparent? Tell people directly that you want to learn from them!

By designating someone a “Mentor,” you:

Reveal your admiration for them
Boost their self-esteem
Communicate respect for their wisdom
Trigger their pro-social behavior to make a difference
Add purpose to your conversations with them

Of course, some relationships develop organically without formal titles. But why wait for that to happen to you when you can intentionally create it for you?

By embracing formal mentoring programs and relationships, you can proactively leverage the opportunity.

You shouldn’t feel lucky when you get sage advice from a mentor. You should feel bold and brilliant!