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During that time, she bore witness to their vulnerability. 

In her words, “Everybody that I had on the show, at the end of the show, whispered to me something like, ‘Was that OK?’”

She reflected, “What people were really saying was: ‘Did you hear me, did you see me, and did I say anything that mattered?’”

And that’s an essential role for mentors – help mentees feel validated.

What does it mean to feel validated? To be accepted. To affirm that we didn’t embarrass ourselves and that we met expectations.

Sometimes, however, mentees might feel invalidated if we inadvertently:

• dismiss their concern. “Nah, don’t worry about that!”
• sidestep their idea: “Yes, but…”
• ignore or diminish their aspiration: “Are you sure you want to do that?”
• talk over them, earnestly sharing advice!

So what? Well, if we neglect to help our mentees feel validated, we risk being unable to influence and mentor them.

Validation fuels contributions and compassion. It creates psychological safety for our mentees, allowing them to explore and grow while it strengthens our humanity.

How can mentors help mentees feel validated? Intentionally.

• Connect: “I felt the same way when I transitioned roles.”
• Be curious: “Interesting. Tell me more.”
• Confirm: “That makes sense!” “I understand.”
• Explore: “Yes, and…”
• Acknowledge: “Great work – you really made progress!”
• Engage: “What was that like?”
• Take notes. Reflect back: “What I’m hearing is…”
• Mirror their emotions: “That sucks.” “That’s exciting!”
• Encourage: “You’ve got this!”

Even United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby deployed validation in a message he sent to all employees this week.

After a recent barrage of weather-related flight cancellations, Kirby expressed his gratitude for “the incredible work” they did “under unprecedented challenges.” He acknowledged, “I know it was very tough on each of you.” And then he ended with, “But I want you to know that I’m proud of you.”

We all share a deeply-rooted need to feel validated, to be seen and heard, to know that we matter.

In the Zulu tribe, “sawubona” is the most common greeting. Translated, it means, “I see you, you are important to me, and I value you.” 

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

• Forget it and focus on winning the game
• Worry about making more mistakes

Unfortunately, Rory seemed to choose the latter.

He lost the tournament by one stroke! Golf commentators wondered aloud if Rory was trying too hard ‘not to lose’ instead of playing to win.

Conversely, while the winner, Wyndham Clark, made numerous mistakes on the golf course, he remained poised and centered, playing like a man destined to win.

Holding the trophy, Wyndham told a reporter, “I worked so hard and dreamed about this moment for so long. I just felt like it was my time.”

Similarly, during the recent French Open tennis tournament, Novak Djokovic’s opponent was leading after the first set. Novak won by creating a Momentum Shift.

Novak advises young people: “Be in the present moment, forget what happened in the past. If you want a better future, create it.”

Momentum Shift
Typically, it starts with a mistake followed by a decision.

• That decision changes your thinking and feeling, positively or negatively,
• which impacts your sense of control, confidence, optimism, and energy,
• which obstructs or bolsters your momentum,
• which transfers dominance from or to you.

We lose (or create) momentum when we lose (or create) focus.

Famous comebacks are borne out of Momentum Shifts, as evidenced by the New England Patriot’s Super Bowl 38-26 win after entering the fourth quarter 25 points behind the Atlanta Falcons.

Whether you’re delivering a presentation, leading a team, or interviewing for an opportunity, you can create a Momentum Shift:

• Notice if you’re dwelling on mistakes, fearful of making more mistakes
• Stop ruminating on what you should have done differently
• Avoid over-analyzing your performance
• Place psychological distance between any error and your next move
• Glance, grow, and go – you can glean insights and learn from mistakes, but only if you stay in action
• Identify visual and internal cues that help you perform well
• Create your future with those performance prompts

When one of his players chastised himself for a mistake, Jason Sudeikis’ character Ted Lasso advised, “You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. It has a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish, Sam.”

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Each week, StoryWorth emailed her a question: What was it like growing up? What was your first job? Who were your friends in high school? 

My mom then answered the questions with an anecdote or recollection and submitted those to StoryWorth. At the end of the year, StoryWorth compiled her memories into a beautiful hard-cover book.

One of my favorite questions, “What advice would you give your 20-year-old self?” prompted my mom to deliver the following wisdom:

“Slow down. Be more creative. Put on your best outfit and dance down the street. Find your next adventure. Travel to every place you possibly can. Study hard. Work hard. Play hard. Don’t take yourself too seriously.”

She had written us a legacy letter!

A 3,500-year-old tradition, the legacy letter is a way to pass on life lessons that inform and transform the next generation.

A barometer of the past, legacy letters strengthen the future.

According to research by Dr. Marshall Duke, a psychologist from Emory University, the more children know about their family’s history, the more resilient they are – they moderate stress better, have a stronger sense of control over their lives, and exhibit higher self-confidence.

Researchers also concluded that when families share stories about bouncing back from difficult moments, it increases the odds the family will thrive in the future.

The leaders of the Baptist Health South Florida nurse residency program get it!

At the end of each program, new nurse residents reflect on their journey and write letters to future residents titled “RN Residency Legacy Letters.”

Deemed the residents’ first official act of mentoring, their legacy letters, brimming with insights and advice, are compiled and shared with incoming residents.

But legacy letters do more than help the Wisdom Receivers; they strengthen the Wisdom Givers. 

Research shows that recounting our experiences and reflecting on our learnings reinforces those learnings, improves our productivity, increases our happiness, and fosters our well-being. Reflection fuels our insight, and insight promotes our growth.

In other words, sharing wisdom in a legacy letter fortifies the Wisdom Givers too!

What advice would you give your younger self?

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

According to the author, we respond in conversation with either:

1. Support Responses: We support the other person by focusing on them.
2. Shift Responses: We shift the attention back to us.

How?

1. Support Responses: We respond with supportive comments or follow-up questions to learn more.
2. Shift Responses: We respond with remarks or stories about us.

For example:

• Person 1: I’m so mad at Bob.
• Support Response: Why? What happened? 
• Shift Response: Me too! Bob ignores the agenda in our meetings!

Derber calls this attention-shifting “conversational narcissism,” and others have argued that it’s emotionally unintelligent to steer the conversation toward ourselves.

But that seems harsh. The Shift Response can serve many purposes:

• identify commonalities with another to build trust
• boost our confidence through story-telling
• mentor others by articulating our lessons learned

In mentoring, if we only make encouraging comments and ask probing questions, then we shortchange our mentees of the advice, perspectives, and ideas they seek!

What to do? A conversational dance: support, shift, support, shift

Use question marks to create curiosity before grabbing the mic to make a difference!

1. Support Responses Strengthen: Use encouraging comments and questions to strengthen the mentee’s confidence and problem-solving skills while ensuring your advice is valuable.

2. Shift Responses Stockpile: Share pithy stories and sage wisdom to help mentees stockpile the advice and ideas they need now and in the future to approach situations and tackle problems differently.

Here’s how the Conversational Dance works:

• Mentee: Should I go back to school and get another degree?
  • Support Responses: Interesting! What are you thinking of studying? How would that help your career goals? Is there an opportunity cost in pursuing it?
• Mentee: I can only apply to leadership roles with a new degree.
  • Support Response: Sounds like getting another degree will make you more marketable!
  • Shift Response: I went back to school and it made me a better leader. It was hard but worth it! Here’s what I wish I had known…
  • Support Response: Does any of that resonate with you?

Question marks strengthen a mentee’s ability to reflect, think critically, consider options, and solve problems. In addition, question marks improve our advice, making us more effective mentors.

Question marks before periods. 

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In his new documentary, Still, Michael reveals his experiences learning to live with this incurable disease. As his disease has progressed, Michael’s worsened condition makes even walking a challenge.

An early scene in the documentary shows him on a sidewalk in New York City with his aide. When a pedestrian wishes him, “Good morning, Mr. Fox!” he responds, “Hello,” then stumbles and falls.

Immediately, he says to himself, “And that happened.” He then jokingly proclaims to the pedestrian, “Look at that! I fell for you!”

Instead of expressing disgust, frustration, or embarrassment, Michael’s emotionally intelligent response cued him to keep perspective and persevere.

The challenge with emotional intelligence is that we are rarely intelligent when we feel emotional.

Coined by author Daniel Goleman, an “amygdala hijack” occurs when our brain’s emotion-producing amygdala gets activated by a potential threat, and we react emotionally, even irrationally.

In the grip of an amygdala hijack, our rational brain has no time to assess a situation and choose an appropriate response.

Instead, our immediate, overwhelming reaction often causes an altercation… unless the other person stops their amygdala from being hijacked.

How can we thwart an amygdala hijack? By self-regulating our emotions with rules.  

1. Self-Assess: notice what situations feel threatening
2. Create a Rule: create a rule for that situation

We all self-regulate with rules. For example, most of us operate with this rule: “When someone is uncivil or offensive, don’t punch them in the face.”

Without rules, we are at the mercy of our emotions and the inevitable mess those emotions create.

Here are some rules I have adopted (with age and wisdom):

• When someone tailgates me, move to the right, and let them pass.
• When someone rudely talks over me, stop talking (and don’t roll my eyes).
• When someone is negative, use “yes, and” (instead of “yes, but”).
• When someone sends me a disrespectful email or text, don’t immediately respond.

By referring to a rule instead of an emotion, I can de-escalate any threat my amygdala perceives and respond thoughtfully.

And now I have a new rule: Whenever I misstep (literally or figuratively), say, ‘And that happened,’ and keep moving.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

That means we spend only 5% of our day not in emotional despair or ruminating. How can we possibly put our ambition on a mission if we allow the conversations between our ears to derail us?

We can shift our thoughts from self-talk to mentor-talk.

Here’s how…

When faced with a problem, our inner monologue typically includes the word “I.” For example, “I don’t know what to say.” “How am I going to reinvent my career?” “How will I ever fix this mess?”

Based on research, Dr. Noam Shpancer, a professor at Otterbein University, advocates for “distanced self-talk” to separate from our negative emotional reactions – all that distressing and brooding.

With this technique, we replace “I” with “you.” For example, “Ann, what are you going to say?” “Ann, how could you reinvent your career?” “Ann, how will you fix this mess?”

It’s a simple but powerful shift with profound implications.

When our self-talk leads with “I,” we reinforce the notion that we are alone battling insurmountable problems. Understandably, we will feel heightened misery, anger, or sadness!

But when our mentor-talk leads with “you,” we step back from the intensity of our emotions, allowing our analytical mind the space to identify a solution.

And by detaching,

• we abate our anger
• alleviate our aggressive behavior
• restore our calm
• resurrect our big-picture perspective
• refresh our empathy

All of which clears the way to cooperate with others in stressful situations.

By shifting from self-talk to mentor-talk, we can create actionable solutions, like a Mentor would embolden us to do.

And then we discover that we cannot be stuck and in action simultaneously. 

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Analyzing decades of data, Putnam revealed that our need to interact with others has plummeted since 1950.

For illustrative purposes, he noted that while the number of Americans who bowl has increased, participation in bowling leagues has decreased.

People are bowling alone.

And because they are bowling alone, they lack the social connections and discussions that occur in a league environment.

Drawing on thousands of surveys, Putnam highlighted additional societal trends indicating an unraveling of the fabric of our communities: we belong to fewer organizations, we sign fewer petitions, we know fewer neighbors, we meet with friends less frequently, and we engage in fewer community projects.

He named this phenomenon “Bowling Alone” – our disengagement from community involvement.

The cause?

Putnam primarily blames technology – television, computers, and the internet. Technology individualizes our experience at work and at home. We don’t need each other to do our work and enjoy our personal time.

So what? Arguably we’re more efficient and effective today than in 1950!

Except that “bowling alone” comes with costs:

• Lack of belonging (making it easier to leave a job or a community)
• Loneliness and disconnection
• Diminished compassion for others
• Failure to collaborate and solve problems together
• Inability to cope in stressful situations (resulting in road rage and work rage)
• Stress, anxiety, depression
• Greater risk of health problems (ex: cardiovascular disease or dementia)

Inevitably, “bowling alone” disrupts the workplace.

Specifically, people in transition tend to individualize their experience – new to an organization, new to a team, new to a role, new to responsibilities, or new to leadership.

At these inflection points, people readily disconnect, disengage, and detach. And it’s here that we must formalize and normalize connection. In other words, let’s assign these people to bowling leagues to thwart their propensity to bowl alone!

Whether it’s a designated buddy, champion, learning partner, peer navigator, advisor, or mentor, we can help people create mentoring partnerships as they traverse changes to their confidence, competence, and careers.

(In an effort to decrease the rising suicide rate in 2009, the US Army started assigning every new recruit a Battle Buddy in basic training to prevent soldiers from “battling alone.” Battle Buddies validate experiences, assess stressors, and find solutions… together.)

Mustering mentoring partnerships can save people and, ultimately, your community!

By institutionalizing “better together,” we can disrupt the disruption caused by “bowling alone.”

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In a recent interview with Guy Roz on the podcast “The Great Creators,” Audra reflected on her achievements. 

Guy suggested, “It strikes me that you’re not chasing recognition or ambition. You’re chasing craft.”

Audra enthusiastically agreed. “Yes! I’ve had recognition. And I see what’s on the other side of that:

• I won a Tony award, went home, and my sock drawer was still a mess.
• I won a Tony award again, and I’m still a bad cook.
• I won a Tony award, and I still have cellulite.”

She continued, “I can want those awards, and it’s wonderful to have them, but I’m still going to be with me at the end of the day. That Tony Award is not going to change me.”

Audra mused, “What is going to change me? Constant evolution.
Am I…

• being a better actor today than I was yesterday?
• being a better mother?
• being a better citizen of the county and the world?
• loving more?
• advocating for the right things?

“That’s what’s going to matter in the end.”

Better-than-Average Effect
Social psychology employs the “Better-than-Average Effect” (BTAE) to describe our tendency to overestimate our abilities and perceive that we are better than our average peer.

For example, 93% of people think their driving skills are better than average, which is statistically impossible.

BTAE is driven by overconfidence and a failure in self-awareness. There is neither room nor reason to improve.

Lured by BTAE, we are compelled to compare ourselves to others. Whereas Audra compares herself today to herself yesterday. 

In so doing, she stays focused on improving her performances at work, at home, and in the world. This is chasing her craft.

And that’s the secret to growing and evolving – a simple reflection: “Did you perform better in this meeting, conversation, project, or presentation than in the last one? And if not, what will you change in the next one?”

Chasing recognition hardens our better-than-average convictions. But chasing the craft fuels our aspirations.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.