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Interviewer: Are there people in your life you consider mentors?

Mark: No. I have never thought, “I’m going to call this guy and see what he thinks.” 

Interviewer: Why? 

Mark: Because at some point, I’m going to need to be responsible for whatever that knowledge is.

Interviewer: If you haven’t had mentors or people you leaned on or who advised you, you must have people you admire. 

Mark: Sure, the best advice I ever got was from Larry in one of my first jobs. 

But that’s as close as I’ve come because figuring it out creates a platform for me to go forward.

While Mark is scrappy and entrepreneurial, he is surprisingly puzzled about mentoring.

Evidently, Mark believes a mentor figures things out for you, solves your problems, and tells you what to do.

But that’s not mentoring. That’s consulting.

Mentors:

• Share stories and lessons learned from relevant experiences
• Provide connections and resources
• Contribute advice and ideas
• Offer feedback and perspectives
• Nudge action and experimentation
• Help identify insights and discoveries
• Boost confidence; encourage; validate
• Spark hope and inspiration

However, Mentees are ultimately responsible for acting on whatever knowledge, insights, ideas, or advice Mentors contribute.

When Larry offered listening advice, Mark was responsible for acting on it. Mark experimented with the suggestion and improved his engagement skills.

Let’s assume that Mark has continued to listen and engage in meetings earnestly. Inevitably, he has heard valuable perspectives, insights, and ideas that have advanced his learning. And let’s surmise that Mark has shifted his actions or implemented some ideas based on what others have contributed.

That’s mentoring!

(The irony? Mark was mentoring thousands of conference attendees during that interview, in which he questioned the value of mentoring.)

Mentors don’t figure, fix, or find a solution. They contribute insights and ideas so Mentees can move forward faster or favorably… even when Mentees don’t recognize the contribution.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

“I called up Bill Hewlett when I was a kid. ‘Hi, I’m Steve Jobs. I’m 14 years old. I’m a student in high school. I want to build a frequency counter, and I was wondering if you have any spare parts I could have.’

“He laughed, gave me the spare parts, and gave me a job that summer at Hewlett-Packard… and I was in heaven.

“Most people never ask, and that’s what separates those who do from those who dream.”

What’s behind help hesitation?

• Asking for help feels vulnerable.
• We overestimate the likelihood that we will be rejected.
• We dread appearing incompetent, weak, or inferior.
• We avoid bothering or inconveniencing others.
• We don’t want to relinquish control and independence.

But studies show that when you ask for help, the other person feels:

1. Admiration: you clearly care more about results than the opinions of others
2. Respected and appreciated: you chose them to help
3. Connected: you trust them enough to share your vulnerabilities
4. Happy: people feel joy doing acts of kindness
5. Engaged: they are working with you on a shared goal (getting you the help you need)

3 steps to confidently ask for help:

1. Context: Share your story – why you need help.

1. Choice: Invite them to make a difference. “Could I ask you a favor?” “Would you be able to help me?”

1. Craving: Describe what you need: “I want some advice.” “I need an introduction.” “I could use some ideas.”

On an airplane once, I had the following exchange with the passenger in front of me:

Me: “I’m finally writing my first book, and I’ve been looking forward to this time on the plane to work on it.”
Passenger: “Exciting!”
Me: “Could I ask you a favor?” 
Passenger: “Sure!”
Me: “I need space to type on my computer. Would you kindly not recline your seat?”
Passenger: “Happy to help!”

She instantly felt respected, appreciated, and engaged. And my request allowed her to do an act of kindness for me, which made her feel good about herself.

When we inspire people with a story, give them a choice, and invite them to make a difference, they feel compelled to contribute to our success.

Just ask.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

On a recent episode, he shared a story about the first time he had appeared on The David Letterman Show early in his career.

As Jason recalled, it was at the beginning of his interview with David when Jason said something unkind about someone in his family. The audience roared with laughter.

When they cut for a commercial break, David leaned over to Jason and said off-mic, “Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to re-introduce you. You’re going to come out, and we’re going to cut that career-canceling comment you just made.”

Jason: What? Which part?
David: You remember when you called such and such a such and such?
Jason: But the audience loved it!
David: You’re not going to love it. We’re going to redo the top.

David’s mentoring moment saved Jason from inevitable regret and repercussions.

Jason didn’t ask David for mentoring. And David could have let Jason suffer the consequences of his actions. But based on David’s years of experience in the public eye, David intervened to prevent Jason from making an irreparable mistake.

David was not compelled by a personal agenda or self-interest. His mentoring moment was borne out of generosity and wisdom.

How can you create mentoring moments that are met with gratitude and make an impact?

1. Redirect.
When you see someone in harm’s way, help them pivot. This is what David Letterman did.

2. Share a Story.
Stories entertain, educate, and influence indirectly. “I remember when I was [in a similar situation], and here’s what happened to me.”

3. Nudge.
Using positive reinforcement and suggestions, we can influence behavior. “Here are two options you might consider.”

4. Role Model.
Through our own actions, we mentor others.

5. Make a Connection.
“Do you know Mary? She’s working on something similar. You might find value in connecting.”

6. Recommend a Resource.
“I found a book/article/podcast that has made a difference for me professionally.”

7. Offer Advice.
“May I share some unsolicited advice based on what I’ve heard? Take it or leave it.”

When we pause to consider, “How can I make a difference right now using my experience and perspective?” mentoring moments appear.

And, in an instant, those mentoring moments can powerfully extricate, influence, and contribute. 

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Undeterred, they sent their script to Robin Williams, knowing he would lend credibility and talent to their film.

Robin loved it but asked his friends, “Who are these guys?”

Someone mentioned that Francis Ford Coppola was working with Matt, so Robin called his friend Francis.

At the time, Francis was directing Matt in the movie The Rainmaker, and based on that experience, he vouched for Matt, “He’s a great young actor. You should work with him.”

Relying on Francis’ endorsement, Robin joined the film, which then encouraged the studio executives to proceed with Matt and Ben in the lead roles. After its release, Robin won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, and Matt was nominated for Best Actor.

And it started when Francis sponsored Matt. 

Sponsorship seems enormously influential and impactful! So, why don’t we skip mentoring and focus on sponsoring?

• Because sponsorship stands on a foundation of mentorship.
• Because Francis Ford Coppola would not have staked his reputation on Matt without the earned trust from a mentoring relationship.
• Because mentors sponsor their mentees by opening doors.

Francis managed and mentored: he knew Matt’s work, understood his aspirations, and experienced his integrity. Francis felt confident endorsing Matt.

Mentoring: sharing advice, perspectives, ideas, resources, encouragement, hope, and validation.
Sponsoring: pitching mentee for an opportunity or a new role; opening a door; backing, supporting, promoting, advocating, or endorsing.

Understandably, mentoring can feel mundane compared to the sultriness of sponsoring.

• Mentoring requires an investment of time, energy, and engagement.
• Sponsoring happens in a conversation.

But to expect someone to sponsor you without first having a mentoring relationship is irresponsible and disrespectful.

Do you have to wait for your mentor to sponsor you? No!

Assuming you already have a trusting relationship, you could ask your mentor to recommend you for an opportunity you’ve identified. Mentors want to make a difference, and with your sponsorship request, they can amplify their impact.

Sponsoring is how mentors become super mentors!

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

I was at my nephew’s youth soccer practice when the coach initiated a game of Rock Paper Scissors to see who would be up next to practice kicking to the goalie.

Suddenly, the boys were shouting, “Dynamite beats rock!” “Sword beats dynamite!” “Handgun beats sword,” and “Lava beats handgun!”

Dynamite? Sword? Handgun? Lava? This isn’t the game I grew up playing! What happened to the rock, the paper, and the scissors?

I asked the boys, who quickly informed me that the game had been updated. They delighted in teaching me the new rules.

I was being mentored by 6-year-olds.

And more than introduce me to a new game, they reminded me to:

• be open to the joy of change
• experiment
• play outside the 3-weapon box
• reconsider other assumptions and expectations
• pay attention to the new kids on the block

When I was young, I never considered changing the game… but they did! (Move over Gen Zs, Gen Alpha is on your heels!)

Where else are we missing novel approaches by playing with outdated rules? 

For example, when we assume that mentoring only occurs in a 1:1 relationship or that a mentor is always someone senior in age or career path, we are playing Rock Paper Scissors. 

One of our mentoring program leaders recently shared her struggle to recruit enough mentors for her incoming cohort of new nurses. After we decided to use group mentoring, she expressed distress over aligning the schedules for the participants in each group every month.

I proposed, “We’re assuming that people must always be in the same group. What if we instead form new groups each month around whoever can participate that day? If the goal is to offer them a champion as they transition into practice, we could offer them a community of champions!” 

And with that shift in thinking, we added Dynamite Sword Lava to the game. (Kudos to our client Lisa who was willing to experiment!) 

The longer we play a game, the more entrenched we become in the rules of that game. 

But by engaging in mentoring conversations – with 6-year-olds or colleagues – we discover fresh perspectives and ideas and the permission to think differently. 

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In one scene, the pastry chef, Marcus, blows a fuse at the restaurant while mixing cake batter, forcing the staff to scramble furiously to salvage the lunch service and a freezer of food.

After the chaos subsides, Carmy finds Marcus remorseful and soul-crushed, sitting on the sidewalk in the alley behind the restaurant.

Carmy says to Marcus: You alright?

Marcus: I screwed up. I was behind on cakes. I tried to speed it up, and I blew the fuse.

Carmy: This job’s insane. 

Marcus: Yeah

Carmy: It can go from chill to unchill in a second, but you gotta stay ahead on your work. That’s just that.

Marcus: Heard.

Marcus: You know, my first job was at McDonald’s. You don’t get to be creative. You just work with robots. And everything’s automatic – fast and easy. 

Then he promises Carmy: I won’t make a mistake again.

And this is when Carmy shifts from managing to mentoring.

Carmy: Yeah, you will. But not because you’re you. Just ‘cause stuff happens.    

Pausing reflectively, Carmy then shares: I started a fryer fire the night after I won Food & Wine’s Best New Chef. Nearly burned the place down.

Marcus: For real?

Carmy: For real. This weird thing happens. You have this minute where you’re watching the fire, and you’re thinking, ‘If I don’t do anything, this place will burn down, and all my anxiety will go away with it.’

Marcus: And then you put the fire out.

Carmy: And then you put the fire out.

Effortlessly, Carmy shifted from manager to mentor to peer. How?
He:

• Connected on a mutual experience: “This job is insane.”
• Communicated expectations: “You have to stay ahead on your work.”
• Demonstrated empathy and encouraged self-compassion: “You’re going to make a mistake again, and that’s ok.”
• Validated Marcus while revealing his own vulnerability: “I did something similar.”
• Acknowledged a shared commitment: “You put the fire out.”

Without ceremony, Carmy exhibited the art of partnering with people in pursuit of a passionate endeavor, making the inevitable grit gratifying.

Anyone can set job expectations and get angry when unmet expectations wreak havoc.

But it takes a manager who mentors to grab those moments that demand meaningful conversation.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

For centuries, a small group of workers called “Sampietrini” has been preserving Saint Peter’s Basilica, the world’s oldest church located in Vatican City, Italy.

But today, there is a noticeable shortage of skilled stonemasons, restorers, and craftsmen. Why? The artisans are aging and retiring. Preparing for this inevitability was a bit neglected.

The Director of the Sampietrini stressed, “It’s urgent that young people learn to look after the Basilica because there’s no one left who knows how to do it.”

So, the Vatican turned to mentoring to tackle this problem.

In April, it launched the Artisan Academy, a program matching young apprentices with skilled workers from the Sampietrini who are guiding and teaching the new generation how to care for the ancient treasures and keep the Basilica standing and shining.

In a time of technology-seducing careers, the Director was admittedly worried that kids would be disinterested in learning the craft.

But when the inaugural class opened, 20 students from around the globe eagerly sought the unpaid internships. Why? The privilege.

As apprentice Javier’s Santiago Mandao from Germany said, “It’s wild to work in the same place as iconic artists like Michelangelo” and “It comes with great honor. I feel a responsibility.” 
[Click here to read “The Why Before the Who”] And what about the Sampietrinis? Why are they mentoring this new generation, sharing their secrets to maintaining the grandeur of the Basilica? The pride.

As Sampietrino Paulo Ballestra reflected, “They [the apprentices] are pulling off some beautiful work. And they give us that extra motivation. It’s so satisfying to see what they have achieved in just six months and for the world to see it when they walk through St. Peter’s.”
[To read why Jimmy Fallon ascribes to “Root for People,” click here] So what can we glean from the launch of the Artisan Academy?

• Succession is unavoidable and requires action
• It is never too early to be intentional and strategic
• Preparing for it is everyone’s responsibility, regardless of job or level
• Mentoring is a cost-effective, actionable solution

Although, the most important insights in this story are found not in the execution of the Academy but in the experiences revealed by participants:

• Privilege fuels mentees
• Pride fuels mentors

But it’s their shared passion that is paramount to building the bridge needed for knowledge transfer.

Use mentoring to build that bridge, and your team’s future will be in their hands.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

1. Your life isn’t a one-act play.
“Not only is it okay to change your mind, reinvent yourself, or have a second career, it can be a good thing.”

2. You’re never too smart to be confused.
“…the first step to learning something new is leaning into what you don’t know instead of focusing on what you do know.”

3. Gravitate toward work that solves a problem.
“…spend your days doing something that solves a big problem – it energizes you to do your best work. It forces you to be more creative and gives your life a stronger sense of purpose.”

4. Don’t underestimate the power of friendship.
“When I was in school, I became friends with Paul Allen – and we started Microsoft together.”

5. You are not a slacker if you cut yourself some slack.
“…there is more to life than work. Take time to nurture your relationships. To celebrate your successes. And to recover from your losses. Take a break when you need to.”

But peppered into this sage advice, Gates shared a reverence for mentoring.

He suggested that we learn best from others who are a little further along than us – mentors!

Gates expounded, “Find smart people to learn from. It could be:

• a colleague with more experience
• one of your fellow graduates who has a good perspective and will push you to think differently
• an expert in the field willing to reply to your questions over DM.”

Gates revealed that almost everything he accomplished happened because he sought out others who knew more than he did – mentors!
[Are you mentor-able? Find out! Read “The Secret to Finding a Mentor“]

“People want to help you. The key is not to be afraid to ask. Your fellow graduates are your network – your best sources of support, information, and advice.”

And he’s right! According to research by Stanford University social psychologist Xuan Zhao, people feel good – even happy – when they can help others.
[Are you ready to help when someone asks? Read “How to Mentor in 3s“]

And then Gates concluded his remarks with, “The only thing more valuable than what you walk offstage with today is who you walk onstage with.”

And if graduation is a distant memory, consider… the only thing more valuable than what you stand up is whose shoulders you stand on in the process.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.