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[Flash] Get Wonderstruck and Gobsmacked

This week I’m vacationing on Beaver Island in Lake Michigan, and I’m in awe.

I’m in awe of the island’s history, its timelessness, its beauty, its butterflies, its snakes, its beaches, its sunrises, and its every-stranger-is-a-friend lifestyle.

And while, of course, I’m grateful to be here, gratitude never galvanizes the way awe does.

Awe jolts us out of our lackluster routine! Being gobsmacked by the world helps us see things in a new light.

According to the dictionary, awe induces “feelings of reverential respect, mixed with fear or wonder.” In awe, we are amazed and surprised.

But I want to be amazed and surprised every day! I want to experience jaw-dropping, eye-widening, eyebrow-raising, inhaling moments daily, even when I’m not on vacation.

We can! And research shows that we should. Awe:

decreases inflammation in the body
connects us to humanity
inspires generosity and cooperation
slows down the clock by immersing us in moments
decreases our materialism
sharpens our critical thinking
improves our mood and satisfaction with life

So, what evokes awe (other than being on vacation)? Experiences outside of our routine that engender feelings of connectedness and a sense of being part of something greater.

For example, puppies, babies, art, music, breathtaking vistas, towering trees, dazzling stars, beautiful architecture, witnessing bravery or goodwill, viewing inspiring movies, listening to moving speeches, watching Olympians in action.

Feeling wonderstruck is like moving from a microscope to a telescope, marveling at the vastness of life.

So, how do we trigger awe? Deliberately.

Keep a wonderstruck log – what or who astonished you today?
Take awe walks – look for nature, art, architecture, or kindness
Seek out awe-inspiring stories and people
Look for awe-inspiring images
Acknowledge others’ awe-inspiring acts of generosity, courage, and greatness at work and in the world
Be marveled by your own accomplishments, benevolence, boldness, and excellence

Gratitude is an expectation. Awe is an experience!

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein

[Flash] No More Asking For Forgiveness!

Don’t ask for permission. Ask for forgiveness.

I have repeated this expression countless times in my life to encourage me and others to act in the face of trepidation.

This week, I’ve dragged it out to nudge a few clients to take a chance and implement a change. Because they are committed to improving situations and making a difference.

But like many of us, they battle resistance from bosses, stakeholders, and upper management.

Of course, this leads me to prod, “Don’t ask for permission. Ask for forgiveness!”

Strangely, however, every time this advice came out of my mouth this week, it left a bad taste.

Why? Because I realized that a request for forgiveness succeeds an apology. And I don’t want to encourage my intrepid leaders to apologize for improving situations and making a difference.

This seek-forgiveness concept presupposes that they will have to apologize for being courageous. And it assumes that stakeholders will be so delighted with the outcome, they will overlook the irreverence.

Regardless, we should never have to apologize for our courage.

Yesterday, I was sharing with my client Allie my newfound irritation with “ask for forgiveness,” along with my quest to find a more empowering conclusion to that charge.

Without hesitation and with a bit of audacity, Allie said, “How about… ‘You’re welcome.'”

(And just like that, my spunky, younger-generation-than-me client mentored me!)

Wow! Those two words can carry quite a punch:

“You’re welcome for the improvements I made to the situation.”
“You’re welcome for leading regardless of my title.”
“You’re welcome for valiantly changing what no one else had the guts or grit to change.”
“You’re welcome for helping you get unstuck.”
“You’re welcome for making a difference.”

Don’t ask for permission. Say, you’re welcome.

[Flash] Thanks For Understanding! (the Power of Positive Mirroring)

I made a reservation at a restaurant recently to dine outside on a glorious night. When we arrived, the host said, “I don’t currently have any seats available outside. Do you want to sit inside or wait for a table?”

Impatiently, I said, “We’ll wait… but what about that one?” and I pointed to an empty table outside.

“That one is not available,” he responded. I was getting visibly frustrated.

And then, unruffled, he said something that completely diffused me. With respect, generosity, and kindness, he looked directly at me and said, “Thanks for understanding.” And then he walked away.

He didn’t apologize or scramble to appease me. And he didn’t seem to care if I liked him. Instead, he just matter-of-factly said, “Thanks for understanding.”

This simple remark immediately interrupted my impatient, judge-y, downward spiral of emotional unintelligence.

I faced a choice:

I could correct him in a bratty fit of resistance. “Actually, I am not a patient, understanding person!”
Or, I could be the patient, understanding person who he just acknowledged.

By recognizing my ability to understand the lack-of-available-table circumstances, he (brilliantly!) appreciated and valued a quality that I believe about myself.

This is called “Positive Mirroring.” His recognition reinforced the positive view I have of myself. Instantly, I wanted to demonstrate to him that I am patient and understanding!

What a powerful tool!

As leaders and mentors, we can engage this strategy to help others feel valued, appreciated, and seen while also nudging them to be bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves!

Thanks for improving. Thanks for leading. Thanks for preparing. Thanks for being organized. Thanks for thinking it through. Thanks for following up. Thanks for being a champion.

See people as they want to be seen, and they will show up as the person they genuinely want to be.

[Flash] Does It Matter or Merely Annoy?

I loved being a lawyer. But I became irritated practicing law.

I delighted in helping my start-up clients launch and grow their companies. But I increasingly disliked arguing with opposing counsel over contract provisions that did not support a business deal our clients needed.

Focused on the commas in the contract, we quickly lost sight of the big picture!

Author Dan Pink in his book A Whole New Mind, introduced me to one of my favorite questions: Does it matter, or does it merely annoy?

A valuable query to spark the quest for a broader perspective!

I spoke with a leader recently who was fighting a peer over a policy change. He called me to think it out loud and instead argued why he was right and the policy should remain.

When he took a breath, I asked, “Does it really matter, or does it merely annoy you?”

He stopped.

I continued mentoring, “Who cares if the policy is changed? Is there an impact on your success or the company’s success? Or does something about this situation or person bother you?”

He finally admitted, “I don’t like my peer. She’s a snake.”

I responded, “But you’re wasting your time, energy, and political resources fighting someone for something that doesn’t make a difference.”

He acquiesced, the policy was changed uneventfully, and everyone moved on to more significant issues.

Leaders constantly complain that people don’t see the big picture. But when our daily tasks hijack our attention, we don’t routinely see the big picture.

To grasp the whole situation, we must deliberately look for it.

Questions to help us, our people, and our mentees focus on the broader perspective:

What is most important to the success of the organization?
What is the impact of this issue/decision on the organization?
Does this issue/decision matter to the organization’s success?
Am I wasting time and energy on a situation or someone who merely aggravates me?

When we’re staring at the lollipop, we can easily forget that we’re standing in a candy factory!

[Flash] The Courage Not To Be Discouraged

Recently 60 Minutes aired Lesley Stahl’s interview with Ben Ferencz, an investigator of Nazi war crimes and the last living Nuremberg prosecutor in the murder trial of German SS officers.

Ben has since spent his entire life advocating for peace.

In the interview, Lesley wondered about Ben’s indefatigable pursuit of peace in the face of unrelenting genocide around the world.

Ben pushed back, offering examples of society’s evolving mindset toward compassion. “People get discouraged. They should remember from me: it takes courage not to be discouraged.”

Ben turned 101 this year and received a nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why does it take courage? Because people are constantly questioning, judging, challenging, and doubting themselves and each other. Is anyone really making a difference? Does it even matter? Who cares? Why bother?

How do we muster the courage to persist?

Be energized, enthralled, or even enraged about anything at work or in life.
Find mentors to fan those flames.
Make progress every day.

At the risk of trivializing world peace, here are some lighter examples of people who have pursued, persisted, and persevered:

Steven Spielberg was rejected from USC’s film school 3 times.
Oprah Winfrey was fired as an evening news reporter for being unable to separate her emotions from her reporting.
Steven King’s first book Carrie was rejected 30 times.
Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
Marilyn Monroe and Lucille Ball were told to seek non-film careers.
Colonel Harlan David Sanders was rejected by 1,009 restaurants before one accepted his Kentucky-fried chicken.
Retired Xerox CEO Ursula Burns and former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz each grew up in NYC housing projects.
Mary Elizabeth Mahoney was the first African American nurse to complete official nurse training. She graduated in 1879 from the same school where she had previously worked as a janitor and a cook.

“You have to be burning with an idea, or a problem, or a wrong that you want to right. If you’re not passionate enough from the start, you’ll never stick it out.” ~ Steve Jobs.

[Flash] I Almost Forgot the I Do’s

Last weekend I officiated the wedding of my friends Connie and Mike. What an honor!

We started preparing for the celebration in 2020. I drafted a script for the ceremony chocked with wording alternatives, and I sent it to them for review and discussion. But when the pandemic postponed the wedding, I forgot about the script altogether.

Instead, I became their Mentor in addition to their Officiant.

I recommended that they take dance lessons and choreograph their first dance.
I nudged them to hire a videographer (based on my failure to do so at my wedding).
I encouraged them to engage in a how-well-do-you-know-your-bride/groom activity.
And I challenged Connie and Mike to write their own vows.

Like earnest Mentees, the happy couple followed my guidance, embraced my advice, and incorporated my ideas.

A week before the wedding, Connie sent me an email with the “final” ceremony script. I printed it, glanced it over, and tucked it into my suitcase. While I fretted about my shoes, I didn’t bother with the script. The bride had!

On the day of the wedding, I pulled out the script to rehearse. And that’s when I discovered the gaping holes: “I do” had disappeared, and “with this ring, I thee wed” was missing! And it didn’t appear intentional.

An hour before the wedding, I scrambled to find the bride and groom and offer my most important mentoring. I urged an adjustment to the ceremony, prodding, “You’ll simply repeat after me.”

Like spirited Mentees, Connie and Mike each said, “I trust you.”

I scribbled my changes onto my copy and hurried to the altar to start the ceremony. And as they repeated after me and placed a ring on each other’s left hand, I exhaled with relief!

But I was left wondering, “How had I missed that?”

And then it struck me… I had stopped mentoring. I had become a Wayward Mentor. I offered mentoring when it was convenient for me, but not when it was important to them.

And so, at my friends’ wedding, I also made a vow: I promise to never just do my job when I can also make a difference.

[Flash] Are You Listening With or Listening For?

I’ve had several leaders confess to me recently that they need to “listen more.”

And they’re not wrong. Statistics show that because we think faster than others speak, our minds wander, causing us to comprehend and retain only 25% of what we hear.

The instigator of this problem? Our propensity to “listen for” instead of “listen with.”

We listen for a pause in the conversation, so we know it’s our turn.
We listen for similarities in the speaker’s story so we can segue to one of our own stories.
We listen for errors, inaccuracies, and exaggerations so we can rush in to correct them.
We listen for statements we disagree with, so we can refute them.
We listen for judgment, criticism, and blame so that we can defend, justify, and explain.

(Being a self-proclaimed Sentence Stepper, Spotlight Stealer, and former attorney, I am often guilty of “listening for.”)

But we can powerfully move conversations forward when we…

Listen with curiosity, interest, and fascination
Listen with objectivity and suspended judgment
Listen with a commitment to understand
Listen with a desire to engage and connect
Listen with a determination to find a solution

A few strategies:

Mute the phone when others talk
Take notes to convey respect while forcing our focus and allowing us to clarify and reflect readily
Ask Involve Questions

Not judgment-veiled questions (“Why would you do that?”). Not declarative questions (“Wow! You’re still talking?”).

Involve-the-other-person-in-the-conversation Questions. For example:

What outcome would make this meeting valuable?
What are we solving for?
How will we measure success?
What are your expectations?
Why is this important to your team or the organization?
hmmm, interesting. How would we make that work?

I’ve posted my Involve Questions on the wall behind my computer. When I’m on Zoom, it’s easy for me to glance and involve.

And then I’m like a participant in an improv class, eager to play with whatever answer my audience tosses to me.

We can do better than “listen more.” Let’s listen with voracity and a pinch of amusement!

[Flash] Brutal Honesty or Merciful Mentoring?

A manager called me this week, and the conversation unfolded as follows:

Manager: Sometimes, I need to be brutally honest with my team.

Me: What’s brutal about it?

Manager: For example, I’ll tell one of my guys the things that are tough for him to hear. It’s my job to help him see what others see.

Me: Interesting. That sounds like stabbing him in the eye with a stick to help his vision. Have you tried mentoring instead?

Manager: I’m not his mentor! I’m his boss.

Me: Ok… I’ll be brutally honest. You are a lousy leader. And your people don’t trust you.

Manager: Ouch.

Me: What? That didn’t help you improve your leadership?

Manager: Not at all.

Me: Exactly. Look, the problem with brutal honesty is that the “brutal” overshadows the “honesty.” It inevitably puts the receiver on the defensive. Sadly, they miss the information and insights you’re offering and instead accuse you of being rude, direct, or unkind.

Manager: Folks have complained that I can be blunt… But doesn’t my guy need to know what’s wrong with him?

Me: What makes you think he doesn’t already know?

You’ve worked with him for six months. He’s worked with himself for 46 years. I’m sure he’s cognizant of his shortcomings. He doesn’t need confirmation of those from you. He needs some new ideas, a fresh approach, some advice, guidance, and encouragement.

Manager: So, how do I start mentoring someone I’ve never bothered to mentor previously?

Me: Mentor in moments. Practice sprinkling any of these phrases into your conversations:

In my years as a leader, I’ve learned to…
I would encourage you to…
Here’s a rule I live by…
One of my best practices is…
I recommend…
In my experience, I have found that…
Have you connected with [NAME] to get her perspective?
In my view, one thing you did well is… and one thing I think you could do differently is…
Here’s an excellent opportunity for us to improve and grow…

When you’re overwhelmed managing tasks, it’s easy to see people as another task to manage. But instead, you can intentionally kindle people’s potential by making a contribution instead of making a condemnation.

Forget brutal honesty. Try merciful mentoring.

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