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At the time, I was living in San Francisco in an indescribably small condo, working remotely in a corner of my kitchen.

I needed a third place. 

I discovered a Starbucks two blocks away that opened at 5:30 a.m. It became my third place for three months while I wrote my book each morning. It worked!

While I’ve always credited my willpower for my success and blamed it for my stumbles, that “third place” mattered.

According to the book Willpower Doesn’t Work by Benjamin Hardy, success has more to do with changing our environment than changing our willpower. He says:

“Your environment influences you whether you realize it or not.”

“Continuing to focus on mindset, willpower, and goal setting is an outdated and misplaced approach to success. It’s not that these strategies are inherently bad. Rather, it’s that the focus is entirely wrong.” 

“The future of self-help will not be focused on ‘the self,’ but rather it will be focused on the environment that shapes the self.”

While Hardy primarily speaks to how we design the physicality of our environment, I read the book in reference to the people we choose to spend time with – they either contribute to or contaminate our environment.

As I pored over his book, I reflected on our mentoring programs. I constantly implore participants to “Make time for mentoring!” But isn’t this merely a shrouded appeal to mindset and willpower?

Instead, I should ask them if they want to change their lives.

When you want to change your behaviors, your success, and your life, change the people in your environment:

• Get a mentor.
• Be a mentor.
• Ask a mentor to sponsor you for a role or opportunity.
• Recruit an accountability partner.
• Engage a peer to be a champion.
• Seek allies and idea advocates.
• Create a mastermind group.
• Join a program.
• Take a class.
• Attend a conference.
• Volunteer.
• Travel.

The people you surround yourself with are a gateway to your future… choose intentionally!

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In April, we adopted Ollie, a vigilant but fearless 2-year-old boxer mix who had been abandoned. The rescue organization warned us that she was a “runner,” but we had no idea…

After a car ride one afternoon, we opened the door to let her out. But something spooked her. Before we could grab her leash, she took off, like a hostage tasting freedom.

Instinctually, we ran after her, shouting her name and chasing Ollie through town until we lost her in a wooded area. We spent the next seven hours searching desperately. And each time we spotted her, she sprinted away – in her feral state, there was no catching her.

Near midnight, I drove home to let my other dog out. And that’s when I found Ollie in the backyard – she came home!

The next day, we purchased a GPS tracker for her harness and hired a trainer to train us.

Upon hearing our saga, the trainer said compassionately, “You can’t chase Ollie. Coming to you needs to be Ollie’s choice. Not yours.”

I hadn’t given her any choice!

My mentoring program leaders similarly grapple with the choices they offer participants in their programs. With too much choice (“They’re adults; they’ll figure it out”), participants may flounder and relationships fizzle; with too little choice (“Let’s dictate every aspect of their relationship”), participants can feel hindered and disempowered.

An underlying goal of any mentoring program is to teach people transferable mentoring skills. But that requires giving the participants some control over their experience and success – choices!

Research demonstrates the upside of choice:

• ownership of outcome
• belonging
• increased intrinsic motivation
• improved performance
• expanded skills
• higher confidence

Most importantly, research reveals that these benefits occur regardless of whether the choice is actual, trivial, or illusory.  

Ollie tested this choice theory last weekend.

In our backyard, she found a weak board in the wooden fence and pushed her way through it.

This time, I didn’t panic, chase, or shout when I realized she had escaped. Instead, I offered in a sweet, sing-songy voice, “Hey, Ollie Girl! Wanna go for a ride in the car?” (One of her favorite activities.) She turned to me excitedly, ran back to our fence, followed me alongside it until we reached the driveway, and jumped into my car – her choice. Pursuit averted!

People support that which they help choose. Apparently, dogs do, too!

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

“I was initially hesitant to take it on as I didn’t have a record deal yet, so how could I call myself a ‘legend’? But then I decided to grab it because I’m not going to go into my career with this fear that it won’t work out. I’m going to go live up to this name. It was a bit audacious, I know.”

Sigourney:
When Sue Weaver was 13, she was already towering over her classmates.

“I had great trouble at the height of six feet, saying my name is “Sue” – so small. Then I read the book The Great Gatsby and saw the name “Sigourney,” I liked its look – it goes on for three syllables. I’m going to use it as a placeholder, I thought. It wasn’t supposed to be a stage name.”

Bono:
As teens, Paul David Hewson and his friends joined a surrealist street gang in Dublin and needed nicknames. Paul’s friend dubbed him “Bono Vox” after a hearing-aid store in the neighborhood. Paul did not like it until he learned it was derived from the Latin word “Bonovox,” which means “good voice.”

The Question
One of my favorite get-to-know-you-quickly questions is, “What’s the story behind your name?”

It serves to unlock connections in a few ways:

• Being curious and interested in someone else is a gateway to trust.
• It helps me remember their name (because the brain quickly processes information when it’s connected to a story).
• It makes the other person feel important and validated (especially when I can easily recall their name!)
• It offers a glimpse into their life, allowing me to discover their origin, family, or journey.
• It sometimes identifies a commonality we share.
• It requires a low investment of time and preparation.

In addition, this one question decreases the inevitable anxiety of meeting someone new because it shifts the spotlight from “We don’t know each other!” to “What could we learn about each other?”

When you are eager to connect with a new person or strengthen the relationship with a colleague, a mentoring partner, or a friend, simply (but genuinely!) inquire about their name.

Everyone has a story. Even no story is a story.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

While growing her company, she navigated roadblocks, pivoted her strategy, and exhausted her life savings. Eventually, after demonstrating demand for her product and leveraging her network, Holly earned the attention of an executive at Sephora, the beauty retailer.

Her trip to San Francisco to pitch her product to Sephora was a turning point. Holly recalls feeling great about her presentation and the potential for partnership.

But as soon as she left Sephora and before heading to the airport, she called Nordstrom to request a meeting to pitch Supergoop!.

Why?

She shared the following in a recent interview on the Guy Raz podcast How I Built This…

“My father had this theory about doing things in twos. He always said, ‘The best time to accomplish something is after you’ve accomplished something. You’re on a high. You feel optimistic. You feel good about yourself.’ Whenever I had done something well, he would say, ‘That’s awesome, Holly. Now, what are you going to do?’”

Holly’s father was right – stacking successes works.

When we accomplish something, our brain releases dopamine, the brain’s feel-good neurotransmitter. And because feeling good is addictive, we are seduced to repeat the associated behavior (accomplish something!) in order to feel good again.

Even simple to-do lists generate great satisfaction because checking off small tasks floods our brain with dopamine!

I experienced the power of success stacking when applying for my first job out of law school. I remember spending an indescribable amount of time sending out letters and resumes.

But landing an interview with KPMG was the dopamine-friendly boost my confidence needed. In a surge of audacity, I immediately called the other “Big 6” accounting firms and invited them to interview me, too!

Whether you are talking to yourself, your employee, or your mentee, first celebrate the achievement, then challenge, “What’s next?”

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Interviewer: Are there people in your life you consider mentors?

Mark: No. I have never thought, “I’m going to call this guy and see what he thinks.” 

Interviewer: Why? 

Mark: Because at some point, I’m going to need to be responsible for whatever that knowledge is.

Interviewer: If you haven’t had mentors or people you leaned on or who advised you, you must have people you admire. 

Mark: Sure, the best advice I ever got was from Larry in one of my first jobs. 

But that’s as close as I’ve come because figuring it out creates a platform for me to go forward.

While Mark is scrappy and entrepreneurial, he is surprisingly puzzled about mentoring.

Evidently, Mark believes a mentor figures things out for you, solves your problems, and tells you what to do.

But that’s not mentoring. That’s consulting.

Mentors:

• Share stories and lessons learned from relevant experiences
• Provide connections and resources
• Contribute advice and ideas
• Offer feedback and perspectives
• Nudge action and experimentation
• Help identify insights and discoveries
• Boost confidence; encourage; validate
• Spark hope and inspiration

However, Mentees are ultimately responsible for acting on whatever knowledge, insights, ideas, or advice Mentors contribute.

When Larry offered listening advice, Mark was responsible for acting on it. Mark experimented with the suggestion and improved his engagement skills.

Let’s assume that Mark has continued to listen and engage in meetings earnestly. Inevitably, he has heard valuable perspectives, insights, and ideas that have advanced his learning. And let’s surmise that Mark has shifted his actions or implemented some ideas based on what others have contributed.

That’s mentoring!

(The irony? Mark was mentoring thousands of conference attendees during that interview, in which he questioned the value of mentoring.)

Mentors don’t figure, fix, or find a solution. They contribute insights and ideas so Mentees can move forward faster or favorably… even when Mentees don’t recognize the contribution.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

“I called up Bill Hewlett when I was a kid. ‘Hi, I’m Steve Jobs. I’m 14 years old. I’m a student in high school. I want to build a frequency counter, and I was wondering if you have any spare parts I could have.’

“He laughed, gave me the spare parts, and gave me a job that summer at Hewlett-Packard… and I was in heaven.

“Most people never ask, and that’s what separates those who do from those who dream.”

What’s behind help hesitation?

• Asking for help feels vulnerable.
• We overestimate the likelihood that we will be rejected.
• We dread appearing incompetent, weak, or inferior.
• We avoid bothering or inconveniencing others.
• We don’t want to relinquish control and independence.

But studies show that when you ask for help, the other person feels:

1. Admiration: you clearly care more about results than the opinions of others
2. Respected and appreciated: you chose them to help
3. Connected: you trust them enough to share your vulnerabilities
4. Happy: people feel joy doing acts of kindness
5. Engaged: they are working with you on a shared goal (getting you the help you need)

3 steps to confidently ask for help:

1. Context: Share your story – why you need help.

1. Choice: Invite them to make a difference. “Could I ask you a favor?” “Would you be able to help me?”

1. Craving: Describe what you need: “I want some advice.” “I need an introduction.” “I could use some ideas.”

On an airplane once, I had the following exchange with the passenger in front of me:

Me: “I’m finally writing my first book, and I’ve been looking forward to this time on the plane to work on it.”
Passenger: “Exciting!”
Me: “Could I ask you a favor?” 
Passenger: “Sure!”
Me: “I need space to type on my computer. Would you kindly not recline your seat?”
Passenger: “Happy to help!”

She instantly felt respected, appreciated, and engaged. And my request allowed her to do an act of kindness for me, which made her feel good about herself.

When we inspire people with a story, give them a choice, and invite them to make a difference, they feel compelled to contribute to our success.

Just ask.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

On a recent episode, he shared a story about the first time he had appeared on The David Letterman Show early in his career.

As Jason recalled, it was at the beginning of his interview with David when Jason said something unkind about someone in his family. The audience roared with laughter.

When they cut for a commercial break, David leaned over to Jason and said off-mic, “Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to re-introduce you. You’re going to come out, and we’re going to cut that career-canceling comment you just made.”

Jason: What? Which part?
David: You remember when you called such and such a such and such?
Jason: But the audience loved it!
David: You’re not going to love it. We’re going to redo the top.

David’s mentoring moment saved Jason from inevitable regret and repercussions.

Jason didn’t ask David for mentoring. And David could have let Jason suffer the consequences of his actions. But based on David’s years of experience in the public eye, David intervened to prevent Jason from making an irreparable mistake.

David was not compelled by a personal agenda or self-interest. His mentoring moment was borne out of generosity and wisdom.

How can you create mentoring moments that are met with gratitude and make an impact?

1. Redirect.
When you see someone in harm’s way, help them pivot. This is what David Letterman did.

2. Share a Story.
Stories entertain, educate, and influence indirectly. “I remember when I was [in a similar situation], and here’s what happened to me.”

3. Nudge.
Using positive reinforcement and suggestions, we can influence behavior. “Here are two options you might consider.”

4. Role Model.
Through our own actions, we mentor others.

5. Make a Connection.
“Do you know Mary? She’s working on something similar. You might find value in connecting.”

6. Recommend a Resource.
“I found a book/article/podcast that has made a difference for me professionally.”

7. Offer Advice.
“May I share some unsolicited advice based on what I’ve heard? Take it or leave it.”

When we pause to consider, “How can I make a difference right now using my experience and perspective?” mentoring moments appear.

And, in an instant, those mentoring moments can powerfully extricate, influence, and contribute. 

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Undeterred, they sent their script to Robin Williams, knowing he would lend credibility and talent to their film.

Robin loved it but asked his friends, “Who are these guys?”

Someone mentioned that Francis Ford Coppola was working with Matt, so Robin called his friend Francis.

At the time, Francis was directing Matt in the movie The Rainmaker, and based on that experience, he vouched for Matt, “He’s a great young actor. You should work with him.”

Relying on Francis’ endorsement, Robin joined the film, which then encouraged the studio executives to proceed with Matt and Ben in the lead roles. After its release, Robin won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, and Matt was nominated for Best Actor.

And it started when Francis sponsored Matt. 

Sponsorship seems enormously influential and impactful! So, why don’t we skip mentoring and focus on sponsoring?

• Because sponsorship stands on a foundation of mentorship.
• Because Francis Ford Coppola would not have staked his reputation on Matt without the earned trust from a mentoring relationship.
• Because mentors sponsor their mentees by opening doors.

Francis managed and mentored: he knew Matt’s work, understood his aspirations, and experienced his integrity. Francis felt confident endorsing Matt.

Mentoring: sharing advice, perspectives, ideas, resources, encouragement, hope, and validation.
Sponsoring: pitching mentee for an opportunity or a new role; opening a door; backing, supporting, promoting, advocating, or endorsing.

Understandably, mentoring can feel mundane compared to the sultriness of sponsoring.

• Mentoring requires an investment of time, energy, and engagement.
• Sponsoring happens in a conversation.

But to expect someone to sponsor you without first having a mentoring relationship is irresponsible and disrespectful.

Do you have to wait for your mentor to sponsor you? No!

Assuming you already have a trusting relationship, you could ask your mentor to recommend you for an opportunity you’ve identified. Mentors want to make a difference, and with your sponsorship request, they can amplify their impact.

Sponsoring is how mentors become super mentors!

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.