Blog Archives - MentorLead

[Flash] My Gramps Was Santa Claus (Give the Gift of a Second Chance)

My grandfather “Gramps” was 38 years sober when he died. He was 50 when he entered Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and gave himself a second chance.

I think of him especially at this time of year because he looked like Santa Claus: thick white beard, sparkling eyes, round protruding belly, bulbous red nose, and a hearty laugh.

I don’t pretend to know what he was like before he was sober, but I am inspired by the person he became after:

he dressed up as Santa Claus every year for the town parade
he served as a crossing guard at the grade school, loved by hundreds of children
he became a sponsor for AA, supporting others with their second chance
he graduated from college at age 65 with a degree in counseling
he pedaled his first century bicycle ride (100 miles!) at age 70, inspiring my own love of cycling

But not everyone forgave him. Some people refused to accept the person he had become or see his potential. Their vision was clouded by their experience.

In his book Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert reflected, “Human beings are works in progress who mistakenly think they’re finished.”

We underestimate our capacity to change and grow over time.

Unfortunately, we often project this same notion onto others – we interact with people as if they are presenting us with their finished product. We define them by their actions instead of their promise.

We gravely dismiss people’s ability or desire to evolve, failing to acknowledge that they, too, are on a learning journey.

Every year during this holiday season, people furiously purchase gifts for friends, colleagues, and family – sometimes out of companionship, sometimes out of obligation.

What if we also gave people the gift of:

a second chance
acceptance
belief and conviction
support, advocacy, encouragement
our mentoring and championship

No one needs a gift receipt for hope, validation, and possibility.

[Flash] We Only Need One Friend to Quash Loneliness

We only need one friend at work to prevent feeling lonely.

This is according to research conducted by Professor Sigal Barsade, who spent her career exploring the importance of having friends at work.

Unfortunately, we’re often so busy collecting followers and likes on social media that we neglect the art of making “friends.” From 1990-2020, the percentage of Americans who said they had no friends quadrupled! [David Brooks, How to Know a Person]

Surgeon General Vivek Murthy describes this as an “epidemic of loneliness.”

As a solution, he suggests, “When we serve other people, we not only feel connected to them in the moment, but we actually remind ourselves that we have value to bring to the world.”

Serving other people is the rock on which mentoring stands. Mentors volunteer to support someone’s success by offering advice, guidance, and ideas.

When I first started MentorLead in 2005, I thought my job was to help strangers become friends so that advice-giving could flourish.

But turning strangers into friends takes time – a scarce commodity in mentoring. So, I used to focus my mentor training heavily on building a trusting relationship.

After running a few programs, I decided to try something new in my turning-strangers-into-friends mission. I brought the mentees together soon after matching them to ascertain their level of engagement with their mentor.

Being only one month into the program, I was merely hopeful the mentoring pairs had made contact.

To my surprise, a mentee eagerly shared, “I met with my mentor and enjoyed having a safe space to talk about my concerns.” Other mentees shared similar experiences, also referencing and appreciating the “safe space.”

Wait! Safe space?

A “safe space” requires trust and confidentiality, respect and inclusivity, empathy and understanding, and freedom from judgment and fear. Infusing all of that into a new relationship takes time!

How could these strangers experience a “safe space” in their first meeting?

Here’s what I have discovered…

It’s the word “mentoring.” We instinctively project trust into a “mentoring” relationship.

Why? Because we assume that if someone volunteers to serve in a mentor capacity – to be our work friend, to see us when we feel unseen, to offer us their time, advice, and resources, to guide us through some challenge or change – then they must be trustworthy.

The act of agreeing to be our mentor cements the foundation of a safe space.

Once in a while, a leader voices a concern that “formal” mentoring might feel contrived and synthetic.

But if we can use a programmatic structure to help some people volunteer to serve and others to find that work friend they fiercely need, then does it matter that a meet-cute didn’t happen?

What truly matters is that people connect with someone who brings compassion, confidentiality, an absence of criticism, and an abundance of championship.

In that safe space, loneliness doesn’t stand a chance.

[Flash] Food Critic Ruth Reichl’s Move-the-Yardstick Mentoring

In 1993, restaurant critic Ruth Reichl became famous for tattling on Le Cirque, the posh, Michelin-starred, fine-dining establishment.

Ruth started her career as a chef before becoming a food writer and restaurant critic for the LA Times and then The NY Times.

Ruth’s job entailed eating around New York City and reporting on her dining experiences. Because she felt an obligation to provide accurate reviews for everyday diners, Ruth often dined in disguise to ensure she was not recognized.

And that’s how she showed up at Le Cirque – with a wig. To her surprise, the staff was rude and disrespectful to Ruth-in-disguise.

Suspecting they would give her preferential treatment if they thought she was important, she returned to the restaurant as Ruth-the-restaurant-critic. As if on cue, the staff became slobbering sycophants upon recognizing her.

Ruth decided to tell the truth. She wrote her review, revealing the disparity in her experiences, thereby exposing Le Cirque’s discourteous behavior.

Her audacity garnered Ruth exposure and opportunities.

In 1999 Ruth was offered the role of editor in chief for Gourmet Magazine, the beacon for food lovers. But she hesitated – she didn’t feel ready for her dream job.

It was Ruth’s older friend, Paula, who stepped in with move-the-yardstick mentoring:

Ruth, it’s never the right time. You have to take the opportunities when they come along. If you don’t take it, it won’t come again. Just do it.

So, she did. Ruth served as Gourmet’s editor for 10 years and loved it.

Today, Ruth is the host of Gourmet’s Adventures with Ruth on PBS, the author of 13 books, and the winner of six James Beard Foundation Awards.

During a recent interview, Ruth reflected on a career steeped in risk-taking. She offered her own move-the-yardstick advice:

“Always push the envelope. It’s really important to have new experiences. The only thing that keeps us young is constantly doing things we don’t know how to do. If you spend your whole life doing things you already know how to do, you get old fast.”

As Mentors, we see our Mentees bigger, better, and bolder than they see themselves.

And when we nudge a Mentee to push past their fears and stretch for the seemingly unattainable, we help them find new courage and louder confidence. Suddenly, they see and experience their bigger-better-bolder version.

Only then can a Mentee pick up that yardstick and move it down the field.

ps. Encore! We are offering a live encore presentation of our 2024-Q4 complimentary webinar:
“Unlocking the Power of Mentoring Programs to Retain Nurses, Improve Leadership, and Strengthen your Hospital”
Date: Thurs Dec 12 @ 9am PT | 10am MT | 11am CT | 12pm ET
Register: www.mentorlead.com/webinars

[Flash] All Feedback Welcome – the Pursuit of Learnings Not Likes

Meg joined our team in January. I thought my job was to mentor her, but she continues to mentor me!

Over the past few months, I’ve noticed that whenever Meg sends an email with a deliverable, she adds to the end of her email, “All feedback welcome.”

In fact, she consistently rolls out this Feedback Welcome Mat internally to our team and externally to clients.

So, I asked her about it. Here’s what she said:

“One day, it occurred to me that people can be timid about giving feedback for fear of hurting my feelings. So, I decided to add those words to convey that I am open and willing [to learn] and wanting to help. I also add a smiley face [to convey my sincerity].”

This refreshing “always a mentee” mindset demonstrates Meg’s commitment to meeting needs while also learning and growing.

She operates with almost utter disregard for being judged or criticized. As if choosing between her feelings and a shared goal, she chooses the goal.

By proactively and eagerly welcoming comments, Meg normalizes the exchange of feedback and the learning journey.

This short phrase squashes any hesitation her colleagues and clients might have in voicing a different perspective or examining her solution. And she has entirely prevented the need to invoke the cringe-inducing “Can I give you some feedback?”

On the receiving end, I am relieved when I read those words: All feedback welcome. I feel reassured to ask questions, mentor, support, opine, and offer improvements without fear that doing so will damage our relationship.

Because Meg eagerly seeks input, I engage confidently, knowing that she will embrace any comment not as criticism but as a contribution.

In response to her invitation to contribute, I often respond with, “I have an idea…” “What about…” “What’s your thought…?” “Here’s another perspective…” and “Here’s another way we can solve this…”

As a result, when Meg and I work together, it feels like a partnership. I don’t dump work on her and judge her deliverable. We collaborate. And in doing so, we improve each other’s work and help each other grow and develop.

Permission to contribute granted with three simple words.

Perpetually searching for wisdom leaves little time to worry whether people like us.

“I never learned anything while I was talking.” ~ Larry King

[Flash] Creating Velcro Conversations in a Post-it World… Why Mentoring Became My Passion

If I had known about mentoring when I started my career, I would not have quit my favorite job.

After law school, I moved to Silicon Valley and joined a renowned firm to practice start-up law.

There, I was responsible for helping CEOs launch their dreams with venture financing. The pace was grueling; the work was challenging; the challenge was exhilarating!

I worked for two brilliant partners, Dana and Bob (not their real names), both good-natured people whose company I enjoyed.

One hitch: Bob’s disorganization. He would notoriously assign me urgent client transactions at the end of the day, causing me to cancel plans and work past midnight to meet his last-minute requests.

I felt frustratingly incapable of changing my situation. I lacked the confidence and competence to confront the pattern of missed expectations.

When a recruiter called and dangled the prospect of a fresh start at a different law firm, I took the interview and ultimately the job offer, but not without undue angst. I felt enormously disloyal.

Upon reflection, mentoring would have made a fundamental difference in my decision.

I thought I had to navigate career situations and decisions on my own.
I didn’t know I could seek advice, guidance, perspectives, and insights from colleagues.
And it never occurred to me that anyone at work would want to listen deeply to my struggle and contribute their wisdom to help me succeed.

Instead, I ran away. And I questioned my choice the moment I left.

At the time, my relationship with work was like a Post-it note, easily lifted and moved from one project, team, or employer to another.

But mentoring conversations create an experience like Velcro – each exchange is a hook fastening onto a loop, proclaiming, “I’ve got you! I see you. I hear you. You belong here. We’re in this together! You don’t have to figure this out all by yourself.”

And that’s why I love formal mentoring programs. They…

give us permission to engage and contribute to each other
teach us to create transformational conversations (Velcro!) in the chaos of our everyday transactions (Post-it notes)
reframe mentoring as a skill to be sharpened, not an event to be coveted
offer us a safe space to practice championing each other

By formalizing mentoring, we normalize it, helping everyone in an organization become better peers, leaders, and human beings.

Fewer Post-it notes. More Velcro.

[Flash] If You Can See It, You Can Be It – Billie Jean King’s Role Model Mentoring

Billie Jean King
At 12 years old, Billie Jean King set out to be a tennis champion.

What inspired her? Watching Althea Gibson in 1956 become the first African American to win the French Open.

Billie Jean realized how good she’d have to be and how hard she’d have to work to become number one in the world.

But she saw it happen with Althea, and so she knew it was possible.

“If you can see it, you can be it,” Billie Jean reflected recently.

In 1968, Billie Jean turned pro. During her career, she won 39 Grand Slam titles, making her one of the greatest Grand Slam tennis champions of all time.

Catherine O’Hara
When comedian and star of Schitt’s Creek Catherine O’Hara was in high school, her older brother dated comedian Gilda Radner. Blindingly optimistic, Catherine thought, “Why not try this comedy thing, too?”

Skipping college, Catherine followed Gilda to The Second City, a comedy club in Toronto, and became her understudy. When Gilda left for National Lampoon, Catherine took Gilda’s spot, thereby launching her comedy career.

“I wouldn’t know anything about acting or improv comedy if I didn’t watch Gilda Radner. I imitated her before I could develop my own characters.”

Role Model Mentoring
According to psychology, we rarely try what we don’t believe we can do. So, the act of observation serves as a beacon in our journey.

Social cognitive theory states that we look to those we admire and respect to mold our own behaviors and actions. This is mentoring from afar: role model mentoring.

Interestingly, modeling and molding are so powerful that personal contact is unnecessary for this social transfer of wisdom. Simply seeing someone thrive provides material for emulation.

How do we find more role models to emulate? Deliberately.

Notice admirable qualities in others at work and in the community
Listen to interviews and podcasts
Read biographies and profiles
Watch documentaries
Network to discover people’s experiences
Create informational interviews
Grab new projects/roles/opportunities
Volunteer

At the same time, know that people are emulating you, too!

By virtue of your title (ex, manager, mentor, parent), you stand on a pedestal. People then observe you to inform their own actions and behaviors.

This makes us each role models, inadvertently mentoring others through our everyday actions… even if we think no one is watching.

Yet, role model mentoring bears not a burden but enormous possibility.

Wisdom favors the astute.

ps. Have you registered yet for our 2024-Q4 complimentary webinar?
“Unlocking the Power of Mentoring Programs to Retain Nurses, Improve Leadership, and Strengthen your Hospital”
Date: Thurs Nov 14 @ 11am PT | 12pm MT | 1pm CT | 2pm ET
Register: www.mentorlead.com/webinars

[Flash] Actor Jason Segal’s Journey Through Open-a-Door Mentorship

Actor Jason Segal’s career is the product of open-a-door mentorship.

While he is currently starring in one of my favorite television shows, Shrinking, Jason found the joy of the spotlight in high school.

His acting coach, Ted Walsh, noticed his talents on the stage and opened a door for him.

Without telling Jason, Coach Ted created a secret showcase of an upcoming theatrical performance, inviting casting directors from different studios around Hollywood to witness Jason’s talents.

Based on rave reviews, Coach Ted then met with Jason’s parents to advocate for a career as an actor. He urged, “I think your son can do acting for a living if he wants to.”

Shortly thereafter, Jason was cast in the television show Freaks and Geeks, directed and produced by Judd Apatow.

And another door was opened.

Apatow recognized Jason’s gift of improv, offering this advice, “If you can improv the way you’re improv-ing on this show, you can write scripts. You just need to learn how. So, I’m going to teach you.” Apatow taught Jason script writing and opened another door.

Goading Jason, Apatow said, “Listen, Jason. You’re a weird dude. The only way you’re going to make it is if you write your own material.” This inspired Jason to start writing the script for his movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

After working together on a few movies, Apatow asked about Jason’s projects, “Are you working on any new ideas?” Jason pitched his movie. Apatow’s response: “Go write it. We’ll shoot it next year.” The next door opened.

Most recently, when the creators of Ted Lasso formulated the idea for Shrinking, they offered Jason the opportunity to partner. Jason is now a co-creator, co-writer, co-producer, and one of the stars in the new fan favorite. Another door opened.

Deliberate mentors see ahead and around corners. They pay attention to aspirations, identify opportunities, and encourage their mentees.

As evidenced by those who have opened doors for Jason and nudged him forward, labels don’t make a mentor; purposed actions do.

Likewise, numbly implementing advice doesn’t make a mentee; thoughtfully interpreting and invoking ideas does.

Opened doors only work when a mentee walks through them. Like every mentee, Jason had to recognize contributions, embrace the opportunities, and take risks.

The overstory? Courage.

Bravery is revealed by and through open-a-door mentoring.

ps. Have you registered yet for our 2024-Q4 complimentary webinar?
“Boost Mentoring Participation: Harness Motivation to Drive Employee Engagement and Retention”
Date: Thurs Nov 14 @ 11am PT | 12pm MT | 1pm CT | 2pm ET
Register: www.mentorlead.com/webinars

[Flash] The Quest to Matter (the Undercurrent of Mentoring)

“Mattering” is a universal human need, essential for flourishing, according to Dr. Felt, a professor at York University.

What does it mean to matter? Adding value. + Feeling valued.

Even when we know we added value, we only feel valued when we feel recognized and appreciated.

When mentoring matters…
A few years ago, a healthcare leader called me, “We have a flock of managers that need to be fixed or fired. Can you help us?”

Absolutely! We launched a peer-manager mentoring program, pairing low-performing managers with high-performing managers in a formal, structured mentoring experience that we infused with leadership training.

The result? Within six months, 75% of those low-performers became high-performers! Success!

But what happened next surprised me…

Monica, one of the mentors, expressed disappointment with the experience, sharing, “I know I made a difference for my mentee! She is now thriving as a manager! It was a delight to help her.”

Confused, I said, “That’s wonderful… So, what happened?”

Monica said, “My boss never brought it up. He never mentioned my participation in the mentoring program… like it didn’t matter.”

In other words, Monica knew she added value – she witnessed the impact of her effort! But she didn’t feel valued. Her boss never acknowledged her mentoring experience, her contributions to save a manager, or growth as a leader. [To be fair, he probably didn’t even know about her participation!]

We are each on a quest to matter. We don’t go to work hoping to feel insignificant and irrelevant! We strive to add value and want to feel recognized, appreciated, and valued for doing so.

Feeling valued is powerful – it validates our capability, importance, and trustworthiness.

So, how can we feel valued for adding value? How can we help others feel valued?

Reflect on strengths, accomplishments, and growth
Communicate/notice contributions
Share/seek progress updates
Make achievements visible
Identify and celebrate impact
Ask/offer, “From your perspective, how am I contributing to the team’s success?”

When my mom went into hospice this year, her friends and colleagues immediately sent notes and cards, reflecting on their shared journey, acknowledging her mentoring, her friendship, and the difference she made.

My favorite was from one of her former employees, Beatriz:
“Cathie, thank you for your support, encouragement, professional skills, and compassion that made it possible for me to raise my family and enjoy life. You always listened to the story and always found a reasonable solution to the problem. Your friendship, above all, has been a gift.”

At the end, my mom knew she mattered.

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