We started preparing for the celebration in 2020. I drafted a script for the ceremony chocked with wording alternatives, and I sent it to them for review and discussion. But when the pandemic postponed the wedding, I forgot about the script altogether.

Instead, I became their Mentor in addition to their Officiant.

• I recommended that they take dance lessons and choreograph their first dance.
• I nudged them to hire a videographer (based on my failure to do so at my wedding).
• I encouraged them to engage in a how-well-do-you-know-your-bride/groom activity.
• And I challenged Connie and Mike to write their own vows.

Like earnest Mentees, the happy couple followed my guidance, embraced my advice, and incorporated my ideas.

A week before the wedding, Connie sent me an email with the “final” ceremony script. I printed it, glanced it over, and tucked it into my suitcase. While I fretted about my shoes, I didn’t bother with the script. The bride had!

On the day of the wedding, I pulled out the script to rehearse. And that’s when I discovered the gaping holes: “I do” had disappeared, and “with this ring, I thee wed” was missing! And it didn’t appear intentional.

An hour before the wedding, I scrambled to find the bride and groom and offer my most important mentoring. I urged an adjustment to the ceremony, prodding, “You’ll simply repeat after me.”

Like spirited Mentees, Connie and Mike each said, “I trust you.”

I scribbled my changes onto my copy and hurried to the altar to start the ceremony. And as they repeated after me and placed a ring on each other’s left hand, I exhaled with relief!

But I was left wondering, “How had I missed that?”

And then it struck me… I had stopped mentoring. I had become a Wayward Mentor. I offered mentoring when it was convenient for me, but not when it was important to them.

And so, at my friends’ wedding, I also made a vow: I promise to never just do my job when I can also make a difference. 

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

And they’re not wrong. Statistics show that because we think faster than others speak, our minds wander, causing us to comprehend and retain only 25% of what we hear. 

The instigator of this problem? Our propensity to “listen for” instead of “listen with.”

• We listen for a pause in the conversation, so we know it’s our turn.
• We listen for similarities in the speaker’s story so we can segue to one of our own stories.
• We listen for errors, inaccuracies, and exaggerations so we can rush in to correct them.
• We listen for statements we disagree with, so we can refute them.
• We listen for judgment, criticism, and blame so that we can defend, justify, and explain.

(Being a self-proclaimed Sentence Stepper, Spotlight Stealer, and former attorney, I am often guilty of “listening for.”)

But we can powerfully move conversations forward when we…

• Listen with curiosity, interest, and fascination
• Listen with objectivity and suspended judgment
• Listen with a commitment to understand
• Listen with a desire to engage and connect
• Listen with a determination to find a solution

A few strategies:

1. Mute the phone when others talk
2. Take notes to convey respect while forcing our focus and allowing us to clarify and reflect readily
3. Ask Involve Questions

Not judgment-veiled questions (“Why would you do that?”). Not declarative questions (“Wow! You’re still talking?”).

Involve-the-other-person-in-the-conversation Questions. For example:

• What outcome would make this meeting valuable?
• What are we solving for?
• How will we measure success?
• What are your expectations?
• Why is this important to your team or the organization?
• hmmm, interesting. How would we make that work?

I’ve posted my Involve Questions on the wall behind my computer. When I’m on Zoom, it’s easy for me to glance and involve.

And then I’m like a participant in an improv class, eager to play with whatever answer my audience tosses to me.

We can do better than “listen more.” Let’s listen with voracity and a pinch of amusement!

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Manager:  Sometimes, I need to be brutally honest with my team.

Me:  What’s brutal about it?

Manager:  For example, I’ll tell one of my guys the things that are tough for him to hear. It’s my job to help him see what others see.

Me:  Interesting. That sounds like stabbing him in the eye with a stick to help his vision. Have you tried mentoring instead?

Manager:  I’m not his mentor! I’m his boss.

Me:  Ok… I’ll be brutally honest. You are a lousy leader. And your people don’t trust you.

Manager:  Ouch.

Me:  What? That didn’t help you improve your leadership?

Manager:  Not at all.

Me:  Exactly. Look, the problem with brutal honesty is that the “brutal” overshadows the “honesty.” It inevitably puts the receiver on the defensive. Sadly, they miss the information and insights you’re offering and instead accuse you of being rude, direct, or unkind.

Manager:  Folks have complained that I can be blunt… But doesn’t my guy need to know what’s wrong with him?

Me:  What makes you think he doesn’t already know?

You’ve worked with him for six months. He’s worked with himself for 46 years. I’m sure he’s cognizant of his shortcomings. He doesn’t need confirmation of those from you. He needs some new ideas, a fresh approach, some advice, guidance, and encouragement.

Manager:  So, how do I start mentoring someone I’ve never bothered to mentor previously?

Me:  Mentor in moments. Practice sprinkling any of these phrases into your conversations:

• In my years as a leader, I’ve learned to…
• I would encourage you to…
• Here’s a rule I live by…
• One of my best practices is…
• I recommend…
• In my experience, I have found that…
• Have you connected with [NAME] to get her perspective?
• In my view, one thing you did well is… and one thing I think you could do differently is…
• Here’s an excellent opportunity for us to improve and grow…

When you’re overwhelmed managing tasks, it’s easy to see people as another task to manage. But instead, you can intentionally kindle people’s potential by making a contribution instead of making a condemnation.

Forget brutal honesty. Try merciful mentoring.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

My response: “Not your circus. Not your monkeys.”

Originated in Poland, this adage is an admonition that we are not in control of specific people or situations. If we were, we could do something to change or direct them. And because we are not, agonizing and stressing about them is a waste of our time and energy.

This is similar to the first part of the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is a playful way of reminding us to let go.

When we recognize that it’s not our circus to fix, change, or control, we can also let go of our resentment, disdain, and contempt.

Be cautious, however. Not letting go but saying you did will quickly have you feeling like those disgruntled employees who sneer, “Not my job!” communicating their refusal to help and their overall callous indifference.

While it’s not our Circus and we aren’t the Ringmaster, we can still care about the mediocre performance and disappointing behaviors. We are like ticket-holding Spectators under the Big Top, expecting a sensational show!

But when our expectations are not met, here’s what we can do:

• Appreciate the struggle and the growth journey people are on
• Commiserate around shared challenges
• Offer to help through advice, perspectives, ideas, and resources
• Influence through words and actions
  (Aiming for excellence often inspires others to aim for excellence)
• Be intrigued and entertained, like every other Spectator
• Leave the Big Top altogether

Letting go leaves us with space and energy in which to demonstrate empathy, kindness, and humanity. And that is the Greatest Show on Earth.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

While promoting his latest role in Godfather of Harlem, he shared his experiences behind the camera.

When asked about why he loves directing, Forest reflected, “I get a chance to help people [the actors, the crew] rise to the greatness of themselves – the great part of who they are. They feel like they are reaching upwards together.”

While that sounds aspirational, he left me wondering… how does he help people rise to the greatness of themselves while managing a movie?

And after reading more about the reserved but mighty Forest Whitaker, I discovered the answer: by rising to the greatness of himself.

In a 2013 interview rippled with captivating questions, Forest revealed the following gems about himself:

• When he looks in the mirror, he sees a person trying to build connection with the world.
• The essential quality he believes all successful people share is passion.
• If we weren’t an actor, director, and producer, he would be a teacher or a healer.
• His wish for humanity is that everyone could recognize themselves in the face of the other people that they see.
• His advice for others is to tell yourself that you want to continue to grow, and you’ll be more connected to growth.

Inevitably, when Forest directs a movie, he manages it like a high-profile project – exactly what he gets paid to do.

But he uses his platform to lead the people on his project. And because of this commitment, Forest prioritizes connecting, teaching, passion, empathy, and continuous growth.

The bridge between managing and leading is paved with mentoring and decorated with greatness. 

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com | www.anntardy.com

And suddenly I remembered what a year in quarantine helped me forget… I really hate strangers.

I hate them in lines at the airport. I hate them on the plane. I hate them while driving. I hate them at the hotel. I hate them in restaurants.

I hate them here. I hate them there. I hate them everywhere.

But I like people.

I like hearing their journey unfold. I enjoy learning about their childhood adventures and career choices. I am fascinated to discover what makes people tick. And I am amused when their story challenges my assumptions and preconceived notions.

So why do strangers scare me? Because they have the absolute power to reject me at any moment.

Therefore, I work especially hard to reject strangers first. Often, I do this by internally judging and criticizing them. Sometimes, I ignore them.

But because I like people, I deliberately find ways to turn strangers into people.

• I smile first.
• I find something to compliment.
• I say something snarky about our shared circumstances (like a packed plane in a pandemic!).
• I look for a commonality (if they have a dog, they are never strangers!).
• I get interested in where they grew up.
• I ask questions and earnestly listen, eager to dig deeper and dive in to learn more.
• I wonder about their perspectives, their experiences, and their world.
• I ask “How” questions instead of “Why” questions to stay curious without judgment.
• I give them a chance (which is like kryptonite to my internal stranger-loathing thoughts).

And I remind myself of the Big Secret: strangers are afraid that I’m going to reject them!

Instantly, like a superpower, I get to set us both free.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

No one likes feeling judged and criticized.

Our brains are vigilantly assessing every situation to determine if it’s safe or dangerous. Will we be connecting, cooperating, and collaborating, or will we be judged, criticized, and blamed?

For example, without additional context, our brains naturally consider rude, petty, impatient, curt, inconsiderate, belligerent, or spiteful comments to be “dangerous.”

And dangerous situations breed distrust, causing us to protect, defend, and shut down instinctively.

In one of my leadership mentoring programs, the mentee leaders confessed to an infliction they defined as “being direct.”

I implored these leaders, “Don’t stop being direct! Your people don’t want passive, convoluted conversations!”

“Being direct” is not the issue. It’s direct and unkind where relationships are curdling.

Whether it’s due to stress, impatience, or arrogance, direct and unkind contaminates communication, wrecks trust, and undermines leadership.

Here are some easy-and-effective, direct-but-kind phrases:

• I appreciate your effort. Unfortunately, it’s not what I need.
• That’s an interesting approach. I was expecting something different.
• Here’s what I need. What do you need from me to get there?
• Here’s the big picture in which I’m operating. What’s your big picture?
• Here are my expectations. What are yours?
• I’m confused. I thought we agreed to X. Did I miss something? What happened?

When we care about the other person’s experience in any exchange, we give them a chance to share their expectations, priorities, and challenges… without judgment and criticism.

Being direct but kind is remembering that work is always personal, and your colleagues are always human beings.

“The longest journey you will make in your life is from your head to your heart.”
~ Sioux Indian saying

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com | www.anntardy.com

“If you want to be successful in business, you have to create more than you consume. Your goal should be to create value for everyone you interact with. Any business that doesn’t create value for those it touches, even if it appears successful on the surface, isn’t long for this world. It’s on the way out.” 

He then outlined the specific value that Amazon created in 2020 for its shareholders (net profit), employees (pay and benefits), third-party sellers (profits from selling on Amazon), and customers (time and cost savings) for an estimated total of $301 billion of created value.

We can and should apply Bezos’s sage advice to our work, our family, our friendships, and our community. 

Are we creating more than we are consuming?

In each of these constructs, we invariably consume time, energy, money, resources, attention, and services.

And in exchange for that consumption, we meet our job expectations, attend family obligations, respond to friends on Facebook, and pay taxes.

But, borrowing from Bezos, if we don’t create value for the people in our life, we will not be long for our job, relationships, or community. That doesn’t mean our demise. Worse. It means the demise of our passion, enthusiasm, and joy. 

Fortunately, “creating value” does not require launching a billion-dollar e-commerce business. We create value when we exceed others’ expectations and up-level our participation and contributions.

In any interaction, we can create value:

• Inspire people with a vision
• Generate and research ideas
• Recommend and own creative solutions
• Think and act strategically, not just tactically
• Untangle problems
• Deescalate drama and conflict
• Listen purposefully and engage in conversation
• Recognize and cheer for others
• Take the initiative to help a customer/family/friend/neighbor
• Fix anything broken or messy
• Mentor others

One of my Circle of Excellence leaders reflected on her progress recently and shared, “I used to see things that needed to be done, but I didn’t think it was my responsibility. Then I realized that I can actually make a difference.”

When we are committed to creating more than we consume, it’s always our responsibility.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com | www.anntardy.com