All posts by Ann Tardy
[Flash] Contact Curbs Conflict, Not Enthusiasm
| When I spoke with Daniel recently about his experience in our leadership mentoring program, he shared, “It’s only been three months, but there is a noticeable decrease in conflict among the leaders at the company. The trust we’ve built in the program is translating to our daily meetings. The tension we once had is gone – we’re actually partnering now. It’s very cool.”
The Contact Theory in action. In 1954, social psychologist Gordon Allport published his interpersonal Contact Theory arguing that contact is one of the most effective ways to reduce prejudice and conflict in groups. According to Allport, contact allows people to decrease or eliminate the assumptions, stereotypes, and anxiety that naturally occur among diverse groups of people. He originated his theory around desegregation after WWII. Subsequently, social scientists and psychologists have applied Contact Theory to improve relations among groups diverse by age, gender, race, functions, and even personalities. According to Contact Theory, four conditions are required to make the contact a valuable interaction where people learn about each other:
This experience reduces preconceptions and increases empathy, thereby mitigating conflict. Ironically, however, our natural inclination when in conflict with anyone is to avoid contact with that person, not seek it. So how can we foster contact – even when there is an undercurrent of conflict or judgment? How can we promote the conversations essential to decreasing impatience, insularity, and intolerance? Mentoring. Mentoring is fueled by shared goals, kindled through common interests; it demands emotional safety and thrives with institutional support. To prioritize contact in any mentoring situation:
In our increasingly disconnected and contactless world, we should not be surprised that conflict is on the rise. It’s inevitable. But when we’re starved for connection, compassion, and collaboration, we must intentionally create contact. © 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com |
[Flash] Your Habits Create Your Future
| In 1940, Albert E.N. Gray delivered a speech at the National Association of Life Underwriters annual convention entitled “The Common Denominator of Success.” Albert spent 30 years with Prudential Insurance as an agent in the field and then as an instructor in sales development.
Albert proposed that the secret of success is forming the habit of doing things that others don’t like to do. He argued that successful people drive toward an outcome, while others choose comfort or ease. Olympic athletes illustrate this concept. Their commitment to greatness consistently overrides any feelings of disinclination or discontent. My favorite line in Albert’s speech is, “Habits form futures. If you do not deliberately form good habits, then unconsciously you will form bad ones.” For example, when I’m working on ambitious goals, like cycling across the country or writing a book, I lean into good habits. I wake up at 5 am to train or write. I drink plenty of water, eat healthy foods, and eliminate time wasters from my routine. But when my ambition is not on a mission, I quickly make excuses: “I’m tired. I deserve to relax. It’s too cold. It’s too hot. I’m too busy.” Further in Albert’s speech, he said, “You are the kind of man you are because you have formed the habit of being that kind of man.” In other words, you have the results you have because of the habits you maintain. So, if you desire different results, adopt different habits. What kind of habits? That depends on the results you want. Perhaps:
The key to taking action is the hunger for a different result. If you are happy with the results in your life, then congratulations! You have suitable habits! But if you desire different results, then you need different habits. Because your habits create your future. © 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com |
[Flash] Space and Grace (Not Bite and Fight)
| I visited a new Starbucks recently and ordered my go-to drink: a venti hot chocolate. When the barista rang up the order, the cash register read $6.95, which shocked me since my drink is usually $4.00.
My first instinct was to blast the barista for making a mistake. (Dang! I love being right!) But I tried something new instead… Space and Grace. I said to her with genuine kindness and utmost curiosity, “Does that price seem high to you for the drink I ordered?” She paused, looked at the register again, and gushed, “Yikes! I chose the wrong item! I apologize!” And then we shared a laugh over the idea of a $7 hot chocolate! I’ve noticed lately that my empathy muscle is atrophying. I’m showing up with a bit too much Bite and Fight – ready to attack a person instead of the problem. So I’m experimenting with a different approach that has me ready for connection instead of confrontation, joy instead of judgment. Space and Grace. Space allows the other person to figure it out – whether it’s a project, a challenge, or an error. This strategy, however, is enormously challenging for us, high-functioning managers, because we can easily do the task or fix the problem ourselves! But rushing to rescue a situation broadcasts our distrust that anyone would be able to get it done or fixed without us. Grace extends patience and compassion instead of criticism and indictment as the person grapples with the situation or challenge. It’s choosing to be kind in the moment instead of intolerant. Space allows someone the chance to be successful. But for Space and Grace to work, there must be a foundation of clear expectations assigned to the task, project, or challenge at hand – an agreement around deliverables and deadlines. Without expectations, Space and Grace leave people to flounder and flop. Whether you’re managing or mentoring, Space and Grace will always outshine and outclass Bite and Fight. © 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com |
[Flash] Get Wonderstruck and Gobsmacked
|
This week I’m vacationing on Beaver Island in Lake Michigan, and I’m in awe.
I’m in awe of the island’s history, its timelessness, its beauty, its butterflies, its snakes, its beaches, its sunrises, and its every-stranger-is-a-friend lifestyle. And while, of course, I’m grateful to be here, gratitude never galvanizes the way awe does. Awe jolts us out of our lackluster routine! Being gobsmacked by the world helps us see things in a new light. According to the dictionary, awe induces “feelings of reverential respect, mixed with fear or wonder.” In awe, we are amazed and surprised. But I want to be amazed and surprised every day! I want to experience jaw-dropping, eye-widening, eyebrow-raising, inhaling moments daily, even when I’m not on vacation. We can! And research shows that we should. Awe:
So, what evokes awe (other than being on vacation)? Experiences outside of our routine that engender feelings of connectedness and a sense of being part of something greater. For example, puppies, babies, art, music, breathtaking vistas, towering trees, dazzling stars, beautiful architecture, witnessing bravery or goodwill, viewing inspiring movies, listening to moving speeches, watching Olympians in action. Feeling wonderstruck is like moving from a microscope to a telescope, marveling at the vastness of life. So, how do we trigger awe? Deliberately.
Gratitude is an expectation. Awe is an experience! “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein © 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com |
[Flash] No More Asking For Forgiveness!
|
Don’t ask for permission. Ask for forgiveness.
I have repeated this expression countless times in my life to encourage me and others to act in the face of trepidation. This week, I’ve dragged it out to nudge a few clients to take a chance and implement a change. Because they are committed to improving situations and making a difference. But like many of us, they battle resistance from bosses, stakeholders, and upper management. Of course, this leads me to prod, “Don’t ask for permission. Ask for forgiveness!” Strangely, however, every time this advice came out of my mouth this week, it left a bad taste. Why? Because I realized that a request for forgiveness succeeds an apology. And I don’t want to encourage my intrepid leaders to apologize for improving situations and making a difference. This seek-forgiveness concept presupposes that they will have to apologize for being courageous. And it assumes that stakeholders will be so delighted with the outcome, they will overlook the irreverence. Regardless, we should never have to apologize for our courage. Yesterday, I was sharing with my client Allie my newfound irritation with “ask for forgiveness,” along with my quest to find a more empowering conclusion to that charge. Without hesitation and with a bit of audacity, Allie said, “How about… ‘You’re welcome.'” (And just like that, my spunky, younger-generation-than-me client mentored me!) Wow! Those two words can carry quite a punch:
Don’t ask for permission. Say, you’re welcome. © 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com |
[Flash] Thanks For Understanding! (the Power of Positive Mirroring)
| I made a reservation at a restaurant recently to dine outside on a glorious night. When we arrived, the host said, “I don’t currently have any seats available outside. Do you want to sit inside or wait for a table?”
Impatiently, I said, “We’ll wait… but what about that one?” and I pointed to an empty table outside. “That one is not available,” he responded. I was getting visibly frustrated. And then, unruffled, he said something that completely diffused me. With respect, generosity, and kindness, he looked directly at me and said, “Thanks for understanding.” And then he walked away. He didn’t apologize or scramble to appease me. And he didn’t seem to care if I liked him. Instead, he just matter-of-factly said, “Thanks for understanding.” This simple remark immediately interrupted my impatient, judge-y, downward spiral of emotional unintelligence. I faced a choice:
By recognizing my ability to understand the lack-of-available-table circumstances, he (brilliantly!) appreciated and valued a quality that I believe about myself. This is called “Positive Mirroring.” His recognition reinforced the positive view I have of myself. Instantly, I wanted to demonstrate to him that I am patient and understanding! What a powerful tool! As leaders and mentors, we can engage this strategy to help others feel valued, appreciated, and seen while also nudging them to be bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves! Thanks for improving. Thanks for leading. Thanks for preparing. Thanks for being organized. Thanks for thinking it through. Thanks for following up. Thanks for being a champion. See people as they want to be seen, and they will show up as the person they genuinely want to be. © 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com |
[Flash] Does It Matter or Merely Annoy?
|
[Flash] The Courage Not To Be Discouraged
| Recently 60 Minutes aired Lesley Stahl’s interview with Ben Ferencz, an investigator of Nazi war crimes and the last living Nuremberg prosecutor in the murder trial of German SS officers.
Ben has since spent his entire life advocating for peace. In the interview, Lesley wondered about Ben’s indefatigable pursuit of peace in the face of unrelenting genocide around the world. Ben pushed back, offering examples of society’s evolving mindset toward compassion. “People get discouraged. They should remember from me: it takes courage not to be discouraged.” Ben turned 101 this year and received a nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize. Why does it take courage? Because people are constantly questioning, judging, challenging, and doubting themselves and each other. Is anyone really making a difference? Does it even matter? Who cares? Why bother? How do we muster the courage to persist?
At the risk of trivializing world peace, here are some lighter examples of people who have pursued, persisted, and persevered:
“You have to be burning with an idea, or a problem, or a wrong that you want to right. If you’re not passionate enough from the start, you’ll never stick it out.” ~ Steve Jobs. © 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com |