[Flash] Are You Listening With or Listening For?

And they’re not wrong. Statistics show that because we think faster than others speak, our minds wander, causing us to comprehend and retain only 25% of what we hear. 

The instigator of this problem? Our propensity to “listen for” instead of “listen with.”

• We listen for a pause in the conversation, so we know it’s our turn.
• We listen for similarities in the speaker’s story so we can segue to one of our own stories.
• We listen for errors, inaccuracies, and exaggerations so we can rush in to correct them.
• We listen for statements we disagree with, so we can refute them.
• We listen for judgment, criticism, and blame so that we can defend, justify, and explain.

(Being a self-proclaimed Sentence Stepper, Spotlight Stealer, and former attorney, I am often guilty of “listening for.”)

But we can powerfully move conversations forward when we…

• Listen with curiosity, interest, and fascination
• Listen with objectivity and suspended judgment
• Listen with a commitment to understand
• Listen with a desire to engage and connect
• Listen with a determination to find a solution

A few strategies:

1. Mute the phone when others talk
2. Take notes to convey respect while forcing our focus and allowing us to clarify and reflect readily
3. Ask Involve Questions

Not judgment-veiled questions (“Why would you do that?”). Not declarative questions (“Wow! You’re still talking?”).

Involve-the-other-person-in-the-conversation Questions. For example:

• What outcome would make this meeting valuable?
• What are we solving for?
• How will we measure success?
• What are your expectations?
• Why is this important to your team or the organization?
• hmmm, interesting. How would we make that work?

I’ve posted my Involve Questions on the wall behind my computer. When I’m on Zoom, it’s easy for me to glance and involve.

And then I’m like a participant in an improv class, eager to play with whatever answer my audience tosses to me.

We can do better than “listen more.” Let’s listen with voracity and a pinch of amusement!

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com