Search Results for: Not for me

Abel was convicted, and the CIA harassed Donovan to breach attorney-client privilege by revealing his conversations with Abel, which he refused to do.

In one scene with Donovan, Abel reflected: “You remind me of the man that used to come to our house when I was young.”

Abel continued, “This one time, I was at the age of your son, our house was overrun by partisan border guards. Dozens of them. My father was beaten, my mother was beaten, and this man, my father’s friend, he was beaten.

“And I watched this man. Every time they hit him, he stood back up again. So they hit him harder. Still, he got back to his feet. I think because of this, they stopped the beating. They let him live.

“‘Stoikiy muzhik,’ I remember them saying. ‘Stoikiy muzhik.’ Which sort of means, ‘standing man’…”

I frequently hear people complain about the lack of accountability in their organizations. But I rarely hear people talk about their own accountability.

Unfortunately, the word “accountability” has become loaded with confusion and a predisposition to indict. Dissected, it means able to account; willing to accept responsibility without condemning others; and owning one’s actions… regardless of circumstances, 

Standing Man.

He did not succumb to his situation. He did not blame or justify inaction with excuses. Standing Man accepted responsibility for his own actions despite the actions of the patrol guards. He persevered. 

Arguably, work would work better if we were among Standing Men (and Women). If everyone else would just be accountable…

But that’s the paradox of accountability.

• We cannot expect others to accept responsibility for their actions if we are unwilling to accept our own.
• We cannot demand others to engage without accusations and excuses if we are incapable of modeling such behavior.
• We cannot ask people to own their commitments, actions, and feelings if we refuse to do the same.

To embolden the Standing Man, we must first be the Standing Man.

onward,

© 2021. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com

Albert proposed that the secret of success is forming the habit of doing things that others don’t like to do. He argued that successful people drive toward an outcome, while others choose comfort or ease.

Olympic athletes illustrate this concept. Their commitment to greatness consistently overrides any feelings of disinclination or discontent.

My favorite line in Albert’s speech is, “Habits form futures. If you do not deliberately form good habits, then unconsciously you will form bad ones.”

For example, when I’m working on ambitious goals, like cycling across the country or writing a book, I lean into good habits. I wake up at 5 am to train or write. I drink plenty of water, eat healthy foods, and eliminate time wasters from my routine.

But when my ambition is not on a mission, I quickly make excuses: “I’m tired. I deserve to relax. It’s too cold. It’s too hot. I’m too busy.”

Further in Albert’s speech, he said, “You are the kind of man you are because you have formed the habit of being that kind of man.”

In other words, you have the results you have because of the habits you maintain.

So, if you desire different results, adopt different habits.

What kind of habits? That depends on the results you want. Perhaps:

• Organizational habits
• Time management habits
• Self-promotional habits
• Communication habits
• Relationship-building habits
• Delegation habits
• Follow-up habits

The key to taking action is the hunger for a different result.

If you are happy with the results in your life, then congratulations! You have suitable habits!

But if you desire different results, then you need different habits.

Because your habits create your future.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

I’m in awe of the island’s history, its timelessness, its beauty, its butterflies, its snakes, its beaches, its sunrises, and its every-stranger-is-a-friend lifestyle.

And while, of course, I’m grateful to be here, gratitude never galvanizes the way awe does.

Awe jolts us out of our lackluster routine! Being gobsmacked by the world helps us see things in a new light.

According to the dictionary, awe induces “feelings of reverential respect, mixed with fear or wonder.” In awe, we are amazed and surprised.

But I want to be amazed and surprised every day! I want to experience jaw-dropping, eye-widening, eyebrow-raising, inhaling moments daily, even when I’m not on vacation.

We can! And research shows that we should. Awe:

• decreases inflammation in the body
• connects us to humanity
• inspires generosity and cooperation
• slows down the clock by immersing us in moments
• decreases our materialism
• sharpens our critical thinking
• improves our mood and satisfaction with life

So, what evokes awe (other than being on vacation)? Experiences outside of our routine that engender feelings of connectedness and a sense of being part of something greater.

For example, puppies, babies, art, music, breathtaking vistas, towering trees, dazzling stars, beautiful architecture, witnessing bravery or goodwill, viewing inspiring movies, listening to moving speeches, watching Olympians in action.

Feeling wonderstruck is like moving from a microscope to a telescope, marveling at the vastness of life.

So, how do we trigger awe? Deliberately.

• Keep a wonderstruck log – what or who astonished you today?
• Take awe walks – look for nature, art, architecture, or kindness
• Seek out awe-inspiring stories and people
• Look for awe-inspiring images
• Acknowledge others’ awe-inspiring acts of generosity, courage, and greatness at work and in the world
• Be marveled by your own accomplishments, benevolence, boldness, and excellence

Gratitude is an expectation. Awe is an experience!

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Impatiently, I said, “We’ll wait… but what about that one?” and I pointed to an empty table outside.

“That one is not available,” he responded. I was getting visibly frustrated.

And then, unruffled, he said something that completely diffused me. With respect, generosity, and kindness, he looked directly at me and said, “Thanks for understanding.” And then he walked away.

He didn’t apologize or scramble to appease me. And he didn’t seem to care if I liked him. Instead, he just matter-of-factly said, “Thanks for understanding.”

This simple remark immediately interrupted my impatient, judge-y, downward spiral of emotional unintelligence.

I faced a choice:

• I could correct him in a bratty fit of resistance. “Actually, I am not a patient, understanding person!”
• Or, I could be the patient, understanding person who he just acknowledged.

By recognizing my ability to understand the lack-of-available-table circumstances, he (brilliantly!) appreciated and valued a quality that I believe about myself.

This is called “Positive Mirroring.” His recognition reinforced the positive view I have of myself. Instantly, I wanted to demonstrate to him that I am patient and understanding!

What a powerful tool!

As leaders and mentors, we can engage this strategy to help others feel valued, appreciated, and seen while also nudging them to be bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves!

Thanks for improving. Thanks for leading. Thanks for preparing. Thanks for being organized. Thanks for thinking it through. Thanks for following up. Thanks for being a champion.

See people as they want to be seen, and they will show up as the person they genuinely want to be.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

We started preparing for the celebration in 2020. I drafted a script for the ceremony chocked with wording alternatives, and I sent it to them for review and discussion. But when the pandemic postponed the wedding, I forgot about the script altogether.

Instead, I became their Mentor in addition to their Officiant.

• I recommended that they take dance lessons and choreograph their first dance.
• I nudged them to hire a videographer (based on my failure to do so at my wedding).
• I encouraged them to engage in a how-well-do-you-know-your-bride/groom activity.
• And I challenged Connie and Mike to write their own vows.

Like earnest Mentees, the happy couple followed my guidance, embraced my advice, and incorporated my ideas.

A week before the wedding, Connie sent me an email with the “final” ceremony script. I printed it, glanced it over, and tucked it into my suitcase. While I fretted about my shoes, I didn’t bother with the script. The bride had!

On the day of the wedding, I pulled out the script to rehearse. And that’s when I discovered the gaping holes: “I do” had disappeared, and “with this ring, I thee wed” was missing! And it didn’t appear intentional.

An hour before the wedding, I scrambled to find the bride and groom and offer my most important mentoring. I urged an adjustment to the ceremony, prodding, “You’ll simply repeat after me.”

Like spirited Mentees, Connie and Mike each said, “I trust you.”

I scribbled my changes onto my copy and hurried to the altar to start the ceremony. And as they repeated after me and placed a ring on each other’s left hand, I exhaled with relief!

But I was left wondering, “How had I missed that?”

And then it struck me… I had stopped mentoring. I had become a Wayward Mentor. I offered mentoring when it was convenient for me, but not when it was important to them.

And so, at my friends’ wedding, I also made a vow: I promise to never just do my job when I can also make a difference. 

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

And they’re not wrong. Statistics show that because we think faster than others speak, our minds wander, causing us to comprehend and retain only 25% of what we hear. 

The instigator of this problem? Our propensity to “listen for” instead of “listen with.”

• We listen for a pause in the conversation, so we know it’s our turn.
• We listen for similarities in the speaker’s story so we can segue to one of our own stories.
• We listen for errors, inaccuracies, and exaggerations so we can rush in to correct them.
• We listen for statements we disagree with, so we can refute them.
• We listen for judgment, criticism, and blame so that we can defend, justify, and explain.

(Being a self-proclaimed Sentence Stepper, Spotlight Stealer, and former attorney, I am often guilty of “listening for.”)

But we can powerfully move conversations forward when we…

• Listen with curiosity, interest, and fascination
• Listen with objectivity and suspended judgment
• Listen with a commitment to understand
• Listen with a desire to engage and connect
• Listen with a determination to find a solution

A few strategies:

1. Mute the phone when others talk
2. Take notes to convey respect while forcing our focus and allowing us to clarify and reflect readily
3. Ask Involve Questions

Not judgment-veiled questions (“Why would you do that?”). Not declarative questions (“Wow! You’re still talking?”).

Involve-the-other-person-in-the-conversation Questions. For example:

• What outcome would make this meeting valuable?
• What are we solving for?
• How will we measure success?
• What are your expectations?
• Why is this important to your team or the organization?
• hmmm, interesting. How would we make that work?

I’ve posted my Involve Questions on the wall behind my computer. When I’m on Zoom, it’s easy for me to glance and involve.

And then I’m like a participant in an improv class, eager to play with whatever answer my audience tosses to me.

We can do better than “listen more.” Let’s listen with voracity and a pinch of amusement!

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

And suddenly I remembered what a year in quarantine helped me forget… I really hate strangers.

I hate them in lines at the airport. I hate them on the plane. I hate them while driving. I hate them at the hotel. I hate them in restaurants.

I hate them here. I hate them there. I hate them everywhere.

But I like people.

I like hearing their journey unfold. I enjoy learning about their childhood adventures and career choices. I am fascinated to discover what makes people tick. And I am amused when their story challenges my assumptions and preconceived notions.

So why do strangers scare me? Because they have the absolute power to reject me at any moment.

Therefore, I work especially hard to reject strangers first. Often, I do this by internally judging and criticizing them. Sometimes, I ignore them.

But because I like people, I deliberately find ways to turn strangers into people.

• I smile first.
• I find something to compliment.
• I say something snarky about our shared circumstances (like a packed plane in a pandemic!).
• I look for a commonality (if they have a dog, they are never strangers!).
• I get interested in where they grew up.
• I ask questions and earnestly listen, eager to dig deeper and dive in to learn more.
• I wonder about their perspectives, their experiences, and their world.
• I ask “How” questions instead of “Why” questions to stay curious without judgment.
• I give them a chance (which is like kryptonite to my internal stranger-loathing thoughts).

And I remind myself of the Big Secret: strangers are afraid that I’m going to reject them!

Instantly, like a superpower, I get to set us both free.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

No one likes feeling judged and criticized.

Our brains are vigilantly assessing every situation to determine if it’s safe or dangerous. Will we be connecting, cooperating, and collaborating, or will we be judged, criticized, and blamed?

For example, without additional context, our brains naturally consider rude, petty, impatient, curt, inconsiderate, belligerent, or spiteful comments to be “dangerous.”

And dangerous situations breed distrust, causing us to protect, defend, and shut down instinctively.

In one of my leadership mentoring programs, the mentee leaders confessed to an infliction they defined as “being direct.”

I implored these leaders, “Don’t stop being direct! Your people don’t want passive, convoluted conversations!”

“Being direct” is not the issue. It’s direct and unkind where relationships are curdling.

Whether it’s due to stress, impatience, or arrogance, direct and unkind contaminates communication, wrecks trust, and undermines leadership.

Here are some easy-and-effective, direct-but-kind phrases:

• I appreciate your effort. Unfortunately, it’s not what I need.
• That’s an interesting approach. I was expecting something different.
• Here’s what I need. What do you need from me to get there?
• Here’s the big picture in which I’m operating. What’s your big picture?
• Here are my expectations. What are yours?
• I’m confused. I thought we agreed to X. Did I miss something? What happened?

When we care about the other person’s experience in any exchange, we give them a chance to share their expectations, priorities, and challenges… without judgment and criticism.

Being direct but kind is remembering that work is always personal, and your colleagues are always human beings.

“The longest journey you will make in your life is from your head to your heart.”
~ Sioux Indian saying

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com | www.anntardy.com