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Not surprising, for Shetty has long argued that compatibility is more important than chemistry in the world of romance.

This equally applies in the world of mentoring: compatibility eclipses chemistry.

What is compatibility? It’s about aligning interests, goals, and motivations to work together in harmony and navigate challenges with flexibility, forgiveness, and friendship.

Whether you’re on a love or learning journey, look for partners whose approach to life and work synch with yours.

Here are Shetty’s words in the new Match.com commercial.

“There are more ways than ever to meet someone, yet here we are, disillusioned and struggling to meet someone. Maybe it’s time we date differently. 

Take the pressure off that first date and focus on the conversation. Know your values and be curious about theirs. It’s okay to be vulnerable and ask deeper questions like, ‘What’s an experience you’d love to relive for the first time?’ To be more present, show up as your most authentic self and pay attention to the little things. 

So, throw out the checklist and commit to a plan. Give someone new a chance. I’m partnering with Match. Starting today, we challenge you to date differently.”

If he hadn’t said “date,” I would have bet Shetty was talking about mentoring!

Mentoring is a concept as old as time. And many people still believe that mentoring, like dating, will happen naturally, evolving from a professional or personal relationship.

As Shetty described, there are more ways than ever to connect, yet people struggle to find mentors. 

Instead of hoping a mentor will magically appear, let’s actively create the mentoring we want:

• Register for a structured mentoring program and be purposefully matched.
• Take the initiative on a networking or mentoring platform to search and connect – be a mentor and a mentee!
• Start with informational interviews and exploratory conversations.
• Kindle job shadowing, internships, apprenticeships, and on-the-job training.
• Infuse mentoring questions into everyday conversations, like “What did you learn when you…?”
• Post on LinkedIn that you are seeking a mentor or mentee (and why!).
• Share your goals and ask: “Who do you know who could help?”
• Join or create a mentoring circle to deep dive into a topic.
• Create a task force or advisory board to use as your sounding board.
• Invite a friend to engage in peer mentoring or as accountability buddies.
• Volunteer on committees, projects, or in the community to practice learning from new people.

Obi-Wan Kenobi is not coming. It’s time to mentor differently!

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

That is until the day an audience member walked up to me and sneered, “Go ahead, motivate me. This should be fun.” She may have been derisive, but she was right.

We can’t motivate people. Motivation is intrinsic – people must motivate themselves. What can we do? Inspire, influence, and encourage.

A similar challenge plagues mentoring programs:

• Find the mentor, then find the motivation, or
• Find the motivation, then find the mentor.

Program leaders often mistakenly recruit people who want a mentor instead of looking for motivated people ready to work with a mentor—a slight but essential nuance.

I conducted an informal poll earlier this year, and the results underscored this lack of motivation.

Poll: “Why have you not yet worked with a mentor?”
The number one answer: I don’t know what to talk about with a mentor.

In other words, when people aren’t motivated to create or change something, they have no burning need to seek a mentor’s advice, guidance, support, ideas, connections, resources, validation, or encouragement.

And that’s when we hear the banal, “I’m-so-busy.”

Regardless of how busy people are, when they are motivated, they make time. When they uncover their motivation, mentoring becomes the gateway.

But how do we identify our motivation? Intentionally.

My friend and colleague April Stensgard recently introduced me to MCode, an assessment designed to unearth motivations—the hidden forces that drive us.

Admittedly, when I took the assessment, I was not surprised by my motivational code; I was surprised that I had lost sight of what motivates me. The exercise ignited a fire I had forgotten.

From this fire springs goals!

The tipping point in any mentoring program occurs when we anchor mentoring to that which is important to participants – their motivations, their goals!

Anchors

• Onboarding to a new role, new skill, new organization
• Feeling stuck in a job
• Considering career directions
• Launching a project
• Weighing a path-pivoting opportunity
• Pursuing a degree or a certification
• Seeking a promotion (ex: clinical ladder)
• Struggling to meet manager expectations
• Engaging in a leadership program
• Executing a succession process

Mentors can’t spark the fire, but they definitely fan the flames.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

The next best way? Eavesdropping on other people mentoring.

And thanks to Guy Raz’s wildly popular podcast for entrepreneurs, How I Built This, we can unabashedly eavesdrop by listening to the episodes entitled “Advice Line.”

During each “Advice Line” show, an early-stage founder (the Mentee) obtains advice from a seasoned business founder (Guy’s co-Mentor), like Tom Rinks, founder of Sun Bum, and Gary Erickson, founder of Clif Bar.

Each conversation follows the same formula:

Connect
Guy: “Welcome! Tell us your name, where you’re calling from, and the name of your business.”

(Smart! Take a moment to learn a bit about a Mentee.)

Identify the Issue
Guy: “And tell us the question you brought for us.”

The Mentee posits a question. If the Mentee begins to offer excessive details about their business, Guy kindly but directly interrupts, “Before we go there, what is your question?”

(Smart! Mentees often unload the whole story before revealing the issue.)

Seek Context and Backstory
Guy then asks his co-Mentor (the seasoned business founder): “What questions do you have for the early-stage founder before we offer advice?”

(Smart! We tend to solve problems when we hear them. But seeking context from a Mentee before offering help ensures our advice is relevant and valuable.)

So, Guy and his co-Mentor ask questions to understand the situation better.

• “Why did you start this business?”
• “How does your product work?”
• “What differentiates you from [a competitor]?”

Offer Guidance
With a greater understanding, the co-Mentors then share advice, provide examples from their own business-launching experience, and generate ideas.

Explore the Advice
From there, the three entrepreneurs dialogue their ideas, consider various options, and challenge roadblocks.

Express Gratitude and Conclude
Finally, the Mentee expresses appreciation for the advice and leaves with an action plan and a promise to follow up.

The Advice Line formula is deliberately focused, allowing the conversation to transpire organically but with intention. 

In just 15 minutes, the co-Mentors effectively observe, guide, advise, ideate, validate, and encourage a Mentee.

Every mentoring conversation, whether arising in a formal mentoring program or infused into a manager-employee meeting, is more productive when it has structured freedom.

Of course, take mentor training and use mentor guides. But to elevate your mentoring skills, listen for opportunities to witness mentors mentoring – they inevitably mentor the eavesdropper! 

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

One of the hosts, Sean Hayes, asked her, “Has anyone come backstage to pop off about how you could make it better?”

Ironically, someone had! And Sarah was eager to tell the tale…

Actress Trish Hawkins came to see Sarah perform in a play called Tally’s Folly. Years before, Trish had played the same role as Sarah in the same play.

Two days later, Sarah received from Trish a six-page email with notes, observations, and recommendations for Sarah based on Trish’s prior experience.

Let’s assume that Trish was well-intended and merely meant to contribute to Sarah based on the wisdom she had gained in the same role.

The problem? Trish never asked if Sarah wanted any advice on improving her performance. And Sarah felt blindsided by Trish’s email—she didn’t ask for nor expect Trish’s advice.

To Sarah, Trish’s contribution felt like a condemnation, regardless of intention.

Insulted and incensed, Sarah tattled on Trish’s advice-bombing to 25 million listeners of the SmartLess podcast in retribution. She called Trish’s actions “outrageous!” 

When we’re unprepared to receive advice, we can easily feel judged and criticized.

In mentoring, we are called upon to get and give advice. So, what can you do differently to exchange wisdom?

When advice is unexpected, protect your confidence (and the relationship):

1. Assume good intent, albeit poor delivery.
2. Recognize and respect your “emotional boundaries” in different situations. Feeling vulnerable, insecure, or fragile is no state for incoming counsel.
3. Sift for good stuff, “What did you like about the performance?”
4. Pause the blitz, “Could we do this later?”
5. Stop reading any advice-filled email until you’re ready.
6. Playfully retort, “Darn. I wish I were in the right mindset to hear this!”
7. Resist revenge.

To contribute (without unintentionally condemning):

1. “I’ve had a similar experience! Let’s exchange war stories and insights when you’re ready.”
2. “My perspective is a bit different. Let me know when you think it might be valuable to you.”
3. “I’m happy to collaborate on ideas.”
4. “Would you consider…? What if…?”
5. “How can I help?”
6. “What has your experience been like? What have you learned?”
7. “How have you grown since you started this project?”

Advice is the heart of mentoring, and it only beats with compassion.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Fluffy found Trevor backstage and boldly made him an offer: “Come on the road with me. I want to expose you to my audience – I think they will love you.”

Reflecting on this conversation, Trevor acknowledged, “One of the greatest gifts you gave me was putting me in front of audiences that never otherwise would have seen me. I wouldn’t have become the host of The Daily Show without you.”

Trevor asked his mentor, “Why did you bring me on the road with you?”

Fluffy: “You were different, so unique. I look at the entire show from the fan’s experience and ask, ‘Are people going to enjoy it from the beginning to the end? Or are they just sitting there waiting for me?’”

Fluffy continued: “When other people put on a kick-ass show, it makes me work harder because now I have to perform better than I’m used to performing. It makes me a better comic.”

Mentoring is often seen as an altruistic, pay-it-forward act. But let’s also appreciate the selfishness that can steer us into mentoring.

Fluffy deliberately took Trevor under his wing, but not philanthropically. He wasn’t wandering the streets of LA, wondering whose career he could ignite.

Fluffy identified an opportunity to benefit from mentoring Trevor. He was confident that while he helped Trevor, Trevor could help him.

Yes, mentoring is deeply rooted in and fueled by altruism. But altruism alone does not typically compel action.

The pursuit of success compels action. Fluffy’s commitment to the success of his show drove him to seek out Trevor and offer him the opening act.

A selfish quest for success and a selfless commitment to make a difference can and do co-exist. When Trevor became Fluffy’s opening act, Fluffy committed to mentoring Trevor: expanding Trevor’s audience, teaching him about the business, and advising him on cultivating an audience.

What selfish reason do you have to mentor? 

Could mentoring others:

• earn points on your clinical ladder or support a certification or doctorate journey?
• demonstrate your leadership?
• improve your confidence?
• shift your team’s performance?
• help onboard, engage, and retain your organization’s coveted new employees?
• expose you to different departments, job levels, or generations?
• expand your network?
• change your attitude at work?
• inspire your own growth?

There’s power in selfish selflessness – the reciprocal nature of your mentoring relationship will alchemize you and your Mentee.   

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

1. Go to law school.
2. Move away from home.
3. Live near your mom at the end of her life.

With each piece of mentoring, I pivoted my path: I graduated from law school, I moved from Chicago to San Francisco, and I moved back home to share my mom’s last few years.

Go to Law School
I was captivated by my business law class in high school, but I never considered law as a career path. My mom noticed my interest and suggested, “Women can be lawyers. You can go to law school.” (So I did and I am.)

Move Away from Home
As I graduated from law school, I struggled, searching for the next step. When Michael, a partner at the firm where I interned, shared his experience of moving away from home for a few years, he described it as the “Best thing I ever did.” (So I did and it was.)

Live Near Your Mom at the End of Her Life
While my mom and I have always been extremely close, I never considered moving back home. But then I met Cindy at a conference, and she shared her move home to Buffalo to spend time with her aging mom. Vulnerably, she revealed that her mom had recently passed and how grateful she was for the time they had together. (So I did and so am I.)

Each of these mentoring moments twisted the kaleidoscope for me. Once someone unveiled it through their suggestion or story, the path became a possibility.

The critical part, however, is not the mentoring I received; it’s that I was ready for it. When the words of advice showed up, I recognized them as gems. I was ready to take action.

To be clear, I have received additional kaleidoscope-twisting, path-pivoting advice throughout my life, but I was not a “ready-now Mentee” when that advice presented itself.

What does it mean to be a ready-now Mentee?

• Ready for change (or ready to embrace change that is happening)
• Curiously seeking guidance, ideas, and fresh perspectives
• Open to exploring, experimenting, and discovering
• Willing to be vulnerable and authentic
• Able to receive suggestions as contributions, not condemnations
• Eager to take action, improve, and grow

While it’s good practice to have a goal as you seek mentoring, being ready-now for mentoring is ultimately the game-changing best practice.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Loosely based on the Pop-Tarts origin story, Unfrosted tells the tale of the race between Kellogg’s and Post to create the first breakfast pastry in 1963.

Reflecting on his directorial debut experience, Seinfeld compared the simplicity of his stand-up comedy career with his role as a director. He never before needed to navigate so many personalities to create a fun environment.

Seinfeld shared this example:
“We had one guy from the props department blow up on the set. He lost his temper one time and started screaming at his underling. And I said, ‘We have to calm down. It’s a movie about Pop-Tarts! None of this matters!‘”

Seinfeld’s endeavor to diffuse and redirect is a mentor super skill.

We rightly extol a mentor’s “active listening“ skills – acknowledging and validating a mentee’s experience, helping them feel heard and felt (credit: Just Listen by Mark Goulston).

And yet, redirecting people out of their valley of despair is an equally powerful mentoring skill.

The secret? Leverage the trust that is created through active listening.

This foundation of trust promises contribution not condemnation, enabling the mentor to deliberately redirect the mentee through conversation.

• I hear you. You’re feeling frustrated/angry/disappointed. I might, too, in that situation.
• Here’s my perspective that could help us view this another way. (It’s a Pop-Tarts movie!)
• Let’s explore how to turn this into a learning experience or find a solution.
• What aspect would you like to focus on?
• How can I support you?
• What should we do next?

One of my mom’s superpowers is the ability to diffuse anger and upset. As a Managing Broker, she led an office of 100 personality-rich realtors in a Chicago suburb, and nothing rattled or riled her. Even when someone unleashed their anger on her, she remained unflappable.

Her benchmark response: “It’s OK. What’s the worst that can happen?“

I don’t have memories of my mom expressing stress or anger when we were kids. Instead, I remember her giving us space to vent, validating our emotions, diverting us with “what’s the worst that can happen,“ helping us devise solutions, and then championing our actions without rescuing us. A consummate mentor.

Today, when my team feels stressed, I remind all of us, “It’s just a mentoring program. No one’s going to die.“

We could call it a Pop-Tarts perspective! 

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

While mentoring is not therapy and mentors are not clinicians, their mentors’ advice transcends the various ways we contribute to others on a learning journey:

1. Engage as if it’s the only chance to make a difference. (Elizabeth Heaney, LPC, Asheville, NC)
Approach each mentoring conversation with piercing boldness and intention, seeking to make a deep connection rather than a perfunctory contact.

2. Never underestimate the impact of showing up for others. (Lauren Donnelly, Ph.D., LCSW, Allentown, PA)
Mentees might seek career advice and guidance, but they stay because of a mentor’s caring presence. Listening, validation, encouragement, and hope are cornerstones of a trusting relationship. As Dr. Donnelly mused, “Simply showing up for someone can give them the courage to show up for themselves.”

3. Offer exploration, not information. (Emily Kline, Ph.D., Boston, MA)
Mentees look to Google for research, expertise, and information. They seek out human beings to help them explore options and plunge into experiences.

4. Interrupting is collaborative, not rude. (Levi Riven, Ph.D. C. Pscyh. Ottawa Ontario)
While mentees often unpack situations by venting, the mark of a skilled mentor is the ability to redirect mentees and pivot a conversation from active listening and acknowledgment to analysis and advice.

5. Ideas alone are not enough. (Russell Siler Jones, Th.D., LCMHCS, Asheville, NC)
German psychiatrist Frieda Fromm-Reichmann: “The patient needs an experience, not an explanation.” Mentees change not from our ideas and advice but from their actions.

6. Illuminate the path, don’t take control. (Carolyn Jaroll, LCSW-C, CEDS-S, Baltimore, MD)
Mentors wrestle their well-intended proclivity to fix and rescue mentees – a disempowering and exhausting habit. Give people the space and grace to find their own way.

7. Just say, “Wow.” (Diane Solomon, Ph.D. PMH-NP-BC, CNM, Portland, OR)
“Wow” validates the mentee while helping mentors actively listen.

8. Leave room for humor. (Samuel Pauker, M.D. New York, NY)
As Dr. Pauker reflected, “There is deep humanity in sharing humor.” Provided a bedrock of trust exists between mentor and mentee, humor can lighten the moment, decrease anxiety, and extend the connection.

9. Accept gratitude. (Anshan Mohamedali, Ph.D., Oyster Bay, NY)
Mentees say “thank you” to acknowledge the insights, ideas, advice, and perspectives that mentors share. There is no need to deflect their gratitude or downgrade the advice. Simply say, “You’re welcome.”

When we mentor, people grant us the privilege of walking alongside them. We owe them a commitment to steadily hone our mentoring skills. Together, we emerge stronger.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.