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hmmm… I thought everyone was busy “celebrating failures.”

Professor Lauren Eskreis-Winkler explains, “We don’t like to focus on our failures – even if there’s value in doing so – because it makes us feel bad about ourselves.”

So what?

Researchers noted that because failure is ego-threatening, people aren’t celebrating it; they’re avoiding it. They’re neglecting that which could help them grow!

Here’s what the researchers concluded:

• Failure is a gateway to judgment and criticism
• Failure compromises our motivation to learn
• Failure lowers our confidence
• Failure causes us to tune out

As a result of the potential judgment, demotivation, undermined self-esteem, and stupor, we stop paying attention to anything that is not successful.

And paying attention is a prerequisite to learning! It’s impossible to learn from an experience and glean information about what caused our failure if we refuse to acknowledge and explore it.

And society isn’t helping:

• Schools promote perseverance, tenacity, and grit
• Social media applauds victory, triumph, and achievement
• Resumes highlight career successes
• Performance reviews advance accomplishments

After reading this report, I asked a friend to name some of her failures. She couldn’t think of any, even though she had been fired from a job and gotten divorced.

But then I asked her, “What about your mistakes? Have any of those?” “Definitely!” she laughed, and then we exchanged stories of our favorite mistakes.

Interestingly, in this conversation…

• “Failure” felt like an indictment of character, whereas “mistake” was simply a wrong turn.
• Failure was a label; mistake was an action.
• Failure was fixed; mistake was fixable.

So, what can we do about this? How can we grow despite our contempt for failure?

• Furlough the word “failure”
• Experiment with reframing words, like “life lesson,” “practice,” “experience,” “learning opportunity,” “growth moment,” “blunder,” “gaffe,” and “user error”
• Keep asking, “What have I learned?”
• Seek insights, not culprits
• Look to others and learn from their mistakes (it’s less ego-threatening)
• Engage a mentor and reverse-engineer results (not successes, not failures, just results)

We don’t need to celebrate or pay homage to failure; we just need to welcome the growth on the other side.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

• In high school, he volunteered on a stage crew, working sound and lighting during school plays.
• He chose Stonehill College for its criminal justice program.
• In college, he spent every spring break volunteering with Habitat for Humanity.
• During summer breaks, he volunteered at ReStore, the Habitat for Humanity retail store and donation center.
• Following graduation, he moved to Detroit to serve in AmeriCorps (Peace Corps in the US), working on community safety projects.

As his two-year contract with AmeriCorps was ending, we all waited with bated breath for Jack to get a “real” job.

The journey to employ Jack has seen encouragement, cajoling, and even a bit of browbeating. I watched his dad grapple with being an anxious father, unwavering champion, and resolute mentor.

• What if you…?
• Have you thought about…?
• Should you…?
• If you don’t…

And to me, his dad would fret…

• Why isn’t he…?
• What if he doesn’t…?
• How will he…?
• Should we…?

But Jack didn’t succumb to any pressure or expectations. And he seemed entirely unfazed by his family’s barrage of unsolicited advice, helpful articles, well-intended suggestions, and sinister forewarnings.

Instead, Jack remained steadfast in his determination to find a “real” job that allowed him to serve the community.

And then he did it!

In August, Jack joined the Detroit Public Safety Headquarters working with the police on crime prevention. A dream first job for him… with salary and benefits!

Recently, Jack’s dad decided to change jobs. And what did Jack do? He offered, “Dad, you always said that other people provide fresh perspectives. Do you want me to review your resume for you?” (And the mentee becomes the mentor…)

Once again, Jack strives to make a difference, whether with one person or an entire community.

I taught him how to ride a bike, but my stepson is always teaching me how to be a better person.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Why?
The researchers surmise that those who pass up the experience are reluctant out of insecurity or an inflated sense of their abilities – they don’t believe they need any help.

The researchers argue that because of the enormous ROI that mentoring can generate, mentoring programs should be mandatory.

I disagree (and wonder if the researchers confused mentoring with training, precepting, or apprenticing).

First, no one “needs” mentoring – it’s not intended to be remedial. Instead, it’s the chance to connect, grow, expand, collaborate, and strengthen. 

Second, mandatory mentoring dilutes the ownership aspect of mentoring that fuels its power.

Finally, people eschew mentoring for only two reasons:

1. They don’t know how
2. They don’t know why

The “don’t know why” is an enormous barrier (in all areas of life!). If people don’t have a compelling reason (a goal, an aspiration, a commitment, an expectation to participate), they will choose other ways to spend their time.

5 reasons people ignore the invitation to be mentored:

1. Confusion (they don’t know how, what, where, when, or who)
2. No compelling reason (they don’t know why)
3. Already have a mentor (they don’t know why they need another one)
4. Overwhelm/time-challenged (they don’t know how to make it work)
5. Fear (which results from their don’t-know-how-or-why)

Potential Mentees! Before you overlook the opportunity to be mentored, ask yourself and others these discerning questions to explore your don’t-know-how-or-why barriers…

• What is the purpose or goal of the mentoring program?
• How would it contribute to my goals? (What are my goals?)
• Logistically, how can I participate?
• What would make it a success for me?
• Mentor, how did you leverage mentoring when you were in my role?
• How can I grow from this experience?
• Who could I meet? What could I learn?
• How will participating (or not) reflect on my reputation and commitment to connect, collaborate, contribute, and lead? 

While program leaders can improve how they engage mentees, potential mentees can improve how they engage themselves.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

There’s nothing wrong with us!

Yet the world constantly reminds us that we are broken and need fixing:

• Report cards: here’s your grade and where you fell short
• Commercials: here’s what’s wrong with you and how this product will fix it
• Feedback: here’s my “constructive criticism” to address your flaws

But if we start with the notion that we are perfect as we are, we could springboard from our strengths instead of flail from our flaws.

With “perfect as we are” as our anchor, we can eagerly and fearlessly seek suggestions, feedback, ideas, and input by asking ourselves and others:

“How can I improve from here?”

Without a need to protect our ego, we can welcome advice and perspectives, not as judgments or criticisms, but as contributions and building blocks – each block helping us to become bigger, better, bolder versions of ourselves… to be even more perfect.

So how do we find the “little improvement” that Suzuki recommends? Through a regular practice of:

• mentoring and being mentored
• reflecting on situations
• debriefing with colleagues
• attending classes and workshops
• reading (or listening to) a variety of books, podcasts
• collaborating
• using the words “Not yet”
• leading with curiosity

Now consider applying this concept while mentoring others: our mentees are perfect as they are, and they could use a little improvement.

Our job as a mentor is not to fix our mentees, but to add the building blocks that contribute to our mentees becoming bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves.

All by starting with perfect and improving from there…

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

And I’m bracing myself for the inevitable…

Before the end, someone in the program will confess, “ugh. I’m sooo busy. I haven’t even connected with my Mentor!”

Of course, you’re busy! That’s how you got into the program. By successfully doing a lot of things – by being really great at your job.

But here’s the acute reality: there is nothing urgent about mentoring.

Mentoring is important, but it is not urgent. And that’s why we need to do it.

When we are committed to leading (a team, a project, or our careers), it’s imperative that we learn how to:

1. distinguish and serve the urgent (the issues, the emergencies)
2. while making time for the important (our goals, our ambitions).

It’s a critical yet overlooked leadership skill.

What is “important”?

• growing ourselves and others
• honing skills and creating new experiences
• discovering fresh approaches and perspectives
• collaborating, innovating, and improving
• recognizing, appreciating, and celebrating others
• connecting and building trusting relationships

By participating in a mentoring relationship, we have the opportunity to practice the art of intentionally advancing the important while effectively managing the urgent.

And if we can learn how to make time for the important-but-not-urgent, we’ll have an impact at work (and in life) well beyond our job titles. 

So, how can we advance the important while managing the urgent?

• Find something to be excited about (a heart-pumping goal)
• Master communications (listening, speaking, setting expectations)
• Tackle procrastination and eliminate time-zappers
• Trust, engage, and involve the people around us
• Be eager to learn and ready to evolve

Frankly, I don’t care if participants accomplish their goals in the mentoring program. I only care that they care.

When we are intentional with our time, our relationships, and our communications, we can commit to the important-but-not-urgent, navigate the urgent, and make a difference that ripples.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

But after taking Mr. Rogina’s captivating Business Law class during my junior year, I knew I would be an attorney.

Noticing my enthusiasm, Mr. Rogina encouraged me in class, invited me to join the moot court team, and cheered me on when I shared my plans to go to law school and move to Silicon Valley to practice business law.

Mr. Rogina has since retired from teaching, served two terms as the mayor of our town, and most recently launched a podcast with another former student, Pat Crimmins. Named “Justa Coupla Guys,” the podcast provides the forum to do what they love – banter with interesting people in the community.

When life brought me back to live in my hometown last year, Mr. Rogina and I reconnected. And then he invited me to be a guest on their podcast.

At first I hesitated, thinking, Me? Why? What do I have to share? How could I contribute to this collection of local celebrity interviews?

My initial reaction reminded me of the numerous people who have resisted over the years, “Me? Be a mentor? Already? What do I have to offer someone?”

I’m always stunned by this response. Most people don’t see what the rest of us see – their greatness, their potential to contribute!

When these tentative individuals ignore their inner critics and join the mentoring program, they invariably love the experience, make a difference, and strengthen their confidence.

And then I remembered… mentors always see mentees differently than mentees see themselves. Mentors have a different vantage point, aren’t burdened with the mentee’s self-doubt and uncertainty, and can see their blind spots.

And that’s what was happening to me.

So, I said “Yes” to Mr. Rogina’s invitation despite my inclination to remain always-a-listener-never-a-guest. We recorded the episode yesterday, and it was a delightful, rejuvenating experience! Reflecting on my adventures and triumphs during our podcast bantering reignited my appetite to create more adventure in my life.

And so, 35 years after mentoring me the first time, Mr. Rogina mentored me again!

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

I enjoy the peek into the lives of the famous, particularly their backstories, journeys, and insights.

But I also listen to podcast interviews to learn from the interviewer.

Good interviewers like Willie Geist are like eager mentees – curious, enthusiastic, non-judgmental, trusting, and aspiring.

Notably, Willie’s go-to interview questions contain terrific conversation starters to engage any mentoring partner:

• What was the plan? 
• Does that feel recent or a long time ago?
• What was that experience like?
• Where did your obsession come from?
• What’s it like to…? 
• Which move felt like your big break?
• Do you think that decision hurt your career at all?
• How much fun do you have with that?

Recently, Willie interviewed the prolific actor Jeff Goldblum about his blockbuster career. It was difficult not to like Jeff with his unassuming, authentic, good-natured personality.

And with that personality, Jeff did something that I haven’t heard other guests do – he turned the mic on Willie. He didn’t just wait for the next question or focus on his talking points. Instead, like a thoughtful mentor, Jeff wanted to include Willie in the exploration.

Willie asked Jeff about his journey to stardom, and Jeff responded with a story about growing up outside of Pittsburgh and moving to NYC at 17.

Then Jeff said to Willie, “How about you?” as if the interview was merely a prelude to a conversation.

Willie chuckled, a little surprised – guests don’t engage Willie in a reflection on his own experiences.

But Jeff was genuinely interested in bantering. So, like the consummate pro, Willie quickly switched interviewer-guest roles and shared his journey-to-the-stage story.

And in the end, the exchange inspired the mentor, the mentee, and the audience, leaving each a bit better.

Always be curious.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Informal and self-directed mentoring programs are like belonging to the library. Access to wisdom but no sense of urgency – the Library Effect.

The Library Effect threatens every learning opportunity we are offered.

Sally called me recently, frustrated by her sluggish mentoring program. When she launched her program, Sally granted her participants autonomy to create their individual mentoring journeys. Essentially, they can engage in mentoring whenever and however it works best for them. But now, despite the enormous interest in mentoring and a solid pool of mentors and mentees, very few people are connecting.

I said, “So I can join at any time? And connect with anyone?”

Sally proudly responded, “Yes!”

I said, “So it’s like going to the library. I can go whenever I want and learn anything, correct?”

She paused.

I continued, “Look. I love the library. I drive by it every day. But I don’t go. I don’t have any compelling reason to walk through the door. My library has nothing prompting me to show up, no sense of urgency. And no one cares whether I go or not.”

Sally was connecting the dots.

I said, “Now imagine an event scheduled at the library that I want to or agreed to attend. I would head to the library because I wouldn’t want to miss it. For instance, if my book club met weekly at the library, I would drive to the library each week on the date and time of the meeting. A clear structure and accountability would bolster my learning intentions.”

As program leaders, we can plan around the Library Effect. We can architect a framework that deliberately supports and drives participants’ desire to grow.

We all aspire to greatness, but as Colonel Tom Kolditz, head of the behavioral sciences division at Westpoint, observed, “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” And on the professional battlefield, the enemy consists of distractions and derailments, such as unexpected calls and requests, unpredictable meetings and technology.

Whether you are the program leader or a participant, adding structure and accountability to a learning opportunity like mentoring will help prioritize it in the face of the enemy.

When your intention meets structure and accountability, grab your library card!

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.