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[Flash] How a Botched Pie Increased our Emotional Intelligence

To compensate for her thwarted Thanksgiving plans this year, my sister declared that we were going to make pies.

We’ve never baked a pie that didn’t come out of a box, so we were all a bit surprised by her invitation but ready for a new tradition.

I pulled some recipes off the Internet, bought the ingredients, and found my mom, sister, and niece in the kitchen.

My job was to call out the ingredients while they measured, combined, whisked, stirred, beat, and poured.

When we got the pies into the oven, we began to clean up. And that’s when I noticed two eggs still on the counter.

“uhhhhh… Why are those eggs on the counter and not in the pie in the oven?“

Everyone stopped, gaped at the eggs, cursed, and then started laughing.

Not surprisingly, the pie without the eggs was terrible. But we laughed all weekend about the pie-wreck.

Apparently, all that laughing also worked on our EQ! We made it through the holiday without a single fight or altercation.

According to research by Janet Gibson, a psychologist specializing in humor, laughter is a powerful tool that boosts emotional intelligence.

She writes that laughter forces our cognitive and social skills to work together to monitor others’ perspectives and emotions and discern when and why laughter occurs during conversations.

So, not only does a good laugh ease our anxiety, but it also trains our brain for awareness and empathy.

Undoubtedly this improves relationships.

And that’s exactly what happened when we laughed about the forgotten eggs.

Instantly the pressure to make perfect pies evaporated. Our super high expectations of each other and the holiday suddenly disappeared. Instead, we discovered patience and understanding… and a funny story!

All because we deliberately sought out the humor in, instead of the heartache from, a botched pie.

[Flash] 8 Fingertip Phrases to Fuel Generosity

This year has tested us emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. So, the idea of being more generous can feel preposterous.

And yet, research shows that generosity reduces stress, improves our physical health, boosts our sense of purpose, fights depression, bolsters our relationships, and makes us feel better about ourselves.

But we don’t need money to be generous. We need emotional intelligence. We need empathy. We need kindness. Essentials for all mentors, leaders, friends, and parents.

Here are 8 fingertip phrases that will help us be more generous in moments:

1. What happened?
When people miss our expectations, we often jump to conclusions armed with our assumptions. Instead, give people the benefit of the doubt and presume “no bad intent.” We’re all starved for this kind of benevolence.

2. I’ve been thinking about you.
People are lonely. Even when they’re on a zillion Zoom calls and connected to thousands of “friends” on Facebook, they feel isolated, wondering if anyone cares. When people experience loneliness and fear, meet them with kindness and generosity.

3. You’re fabulous!
Notice progress, strengths, and contributions. Let go of perfection (theirs and yours!). We’re all so busy battling our critical inner voice, our self-confidence struggles. Undoubtedly, people always appreciate being appreciated.

4. Interesting, tell me more.
Especially useful when you disagree with a point of view shared about politics or religion. You don’t have to change your mind, but neither do they. Simply be fascinated by someone’s different perspective.

5. How can I help?
“Do you need help?” typically generates a reflexive, “No.” Instead, ask, “How can I help?” or “What can I do for you?” to communicate compassion for their situation and to signal your intention to contribute.

6. I understand.
Helping people feel heard can quickly disarm their defenses. (And it doesn’t mean you have to agree with them!)

7. We’ll figure it out.
Nothing ever goes as planned (as evidenced by 2020). Convey your confidence in someone’s ability to be resilient without pressure.

8. I appreciate… I’m grateful… It’s a joy to work with you…
Let’s invigorate the obligatory “thank you!” When we add context, share the impact, and experiment with new words, people pause to receive the appreciation. “I’m grateful for your mentorship. I appreciate your wisdom. Our conversations make me think differently.”

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To all my readers, I’m grateful for our weekly connections. You inspire me with your commitment to making a difference in your roles as boss, mentor, peer, and human being!

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!

[Flash] Stories Risk Stalling Us; Insights Propel Our Progress

When I lived in San Francisco, I bought a stick shift car that I did not know how to drive. To learn, I practiced at 2:00 am on the steep hills of San Francisco – starting, stopping, and parking (without burning the clutch) until I finally got it.

That was 20 years ago, and I don’t live in San Francisco or own that car anymore. But I love telling that brazen story to anyone who hasn’t heard it!

It’s easy to share our own stories because we experienced them.

More importantly, stories serve our connections. We bond over sagas; we engage and entertain through storytelling; we reveal ourselves through stories.

But stories can also distract us. We tell the tale to a friend; they oooh and ahhhh or awww or ewww; and then we find a different friend and repeat the anecdote, eager for their reaction.

What’s missing is the insight – our observations, perceptions, and discernment of the situation.

To add insight to a story, we must consider what we learned, discovered, or will be doing next because of that experience.

> Insights propel our progress.
> Insights inspire movement.
> Insights demand growth.

If we can articulate an insight, we have wisdom and can take action. If we only have a story, we’re forever looking for a new audience.

My insight from my San Francisco story? Because I was steadfastly committed to learning something new, I exchanged my fears with perseverance and ingenuity.

As leaders and mentors, people love to regale us with their heroic or tragic stories. And we want them to feel safe doing so. But to help people progress from storytelling into action, ask about their insights – what did they discover about themselves or the situation?

While stories are valuable for connecting, the real journey begins when we identify the insights that propel our progress.

[Flash] Enough with Ghosting Mentees… It’s Time for Mentor 2.0!

I have a confession to make. I’ve lowered the expectations for Mentors.

When a client called to set up an onboarding program, I heard myself flippantly say, “It will be easy to get Mentors. Just find people who have a pulse.”

Shortly after the program launched, they discovered that their Mentors were “ghosting” their New Hires – completely ignoring them. And when the New Hires took the initiative by calling their Mentors, those Mentors retreated with, “I’m going to pass.”

What!? Pass!? That’s not an option! You’re a Mentor. You made a commitment!

Or did they? I only suggested that they have a pulse…

And then it struck me – I’ve been shortchanging the Mentor role.

Desperate to attract Mentors and inundated with people crying “so busy!”, I have downplayed the commitment. I’ve been recklessly seeking an easy “yes!” from a warm body.

My overly enthusiastic, pleading pitch sounds like: “All you have to do is share your stories and any wisdom you have! Just show up whenever it works. I promise you can do this even though you’re super busy!”

I’ve been selling Mentor 1.0.

And in doing so, I have neglected the critical role Mentors play. I’ve disregarded the power of Mentors to influence individual success while driving organizational strategy. And I’ve abandoned the promise that Mentors develop themselves by mentoring others!

So now I’m pitching Mentor 2.0

Mentor 2.0:

connects Mentee to strategic, career-impacting people
urges Mentee to explore opportunities valuable to their growth
promotes Mentee by sharing with colleagues Mentee’s strengths, talents, and projects

Mentor 2.0 is an ally, a champion, an advocate for Mentee’s success.

In turn, Mentor 2.0 astutely leverages the experience to strengthen their own leadership skills.

And equally important, Mentor 2.0 embraces the opportunity to up-level the organization.

When people understand that they are being called upon, not for their pulse, but to make a difference, they don’t just step forward, they jump in!

[Flash] Are You Focusing on Fonts (or Sweating for Strategy)?

Lately, I’ve noticed an obsession with fonts.

Many of our clients who utilize our mentoring platform have been requesting recently darker fonts, newer fonts, larger fonts, and different colored fonts.

And after the fonts, they become transfixed by logos, line spacing, even the opacity of icons.

To be clear, I’m more than delighted to make any changes our clients desire. I want them to beam with pride when they invite participants to join their mentoring program using our platform.

But I have witnessed a disproportionate number of font change requests by clients who need to be engrossed in their program’s strategy, success measures, and participant expectations instead.

In fact, one of my font-enthralled clients is currently struggling to attract mentors and launch their program.

But it’s not just my clients. We all get thwarted at times by trifling matters. It’s the pull of procrastination…

So why do we get distracted by fonts?

Because as human beings, we are desperate to feel a sense of control (especially in a year that has demonstrated, even reveled in, how little control we have over our lives!).

From an evolutionary perspective, with control comes an increased chance of survival: more control, less risk.

Over the past two decades, I’ve observed that many people charged with the execution of a mentoring program typically cannot (or perhaps will not) make decisions on strategy, success measures, or participant expectations without stakeholder approval.

But I’ve never heard a client say they need stakeholder approval on a font.

Understandably, they seize the font choice as an easy, low-risk way to control something, anything!

Yet when my leaders remember that they can leverage their mentoring programs to onboard powerfully, decrease attrition, support career pivots and leadership transitions, and drive succession, they quickly abandon their fascination with fonts.

When you feel the stress of chaos and the lure of the font, try keeping the spotlight on the strategy instead.

[Flash] We Are Meaning-Making Machines

In the movie Braveheart, Scottish folk hero, and leader in the War of Scottish Independence, William Wallace shouted, “They may take away our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!”

His impassioned speech continued, “Your heart is free… have the courage to follow it. Every man dies. Not every man really lives!”

Wallace employed this battle cry (at least in the movie) to rally his countrymen to join in the fight against England. He gave his neighbors meaning and purpose – something to fight for.

Now imagine the frenzied soldiers running into battle, committed to the cause, eager to encounter their enemy.

Suddenly, one of the soldiers pulls Wallace aside in the middle of the action to complain about another soldier. “He’s definitely sabotaging me! I was excluded from the meeting last night. Plus, he never considers my ideas. I keep asking for a deadline and he refuses to commit. And his equipment is nicer than mine!”

Inconceivable. Because when a battle cry triggers passion and action in others, people run in the same direction, thereby demoting inconsequential circumstances and situations.

But when there is no battle cry – no purpose, no ambition on a mission, no passion – people elevate the inconsequential and make the unimportant important.

We are meaning-making machines. If we don’t make meaning in our work, we will make meaning in how we work.

So when teams struggle – personalities clash and altercations persist – it’s often a symptom, an indication that people are missing the why, the purpose, the meaning in their work together.

If people don’t have a reason to run in the same direction, they are more likely to run into each other.

[Flash] Why Won’t You Lead Already? (The CEO Who Sentenced Her Mentoring Program)

Years ago, I worked on a mentoring program that was doomed before it launched.

For the kickoff, we organized a massive, in-person, standing-room-only event with balloons and streamers. The room was bursting with excitement!

I joined the CEO on stage to introduce their new program, share strategies around mentoring, and invite her employees to access the mentoring platform that my company had created for them.

A man in the front row raised his hand to ask the CEO, “Will you have a profile on the mentoring platform?”

Caught off guard, she stammered, looked at me sheepishly, and in front of hundreds of her eager, hopeful employees, she asked me, “Ann, can I participate with an alias?”

I was dumbfounded. The CEO had just asked me if she could join her own mentoring community with a fake profile so she could hide out and not truly participate.

Taking a cue from their “leader,” the audience immediately erupted in pleas for an alias too.

And just like that, the CEO fated the program.

Why wouldn’t she lead? What was she afraid of? Why cower when she had the opportunity to influence? Why not be enthusiastic, encouraging, and visionary instead of fearful, doubtful, and dismissive?

Because she didn’t know why to lead.

And when people don’t know why they should lead, they default to what they do best: manage. They manage their time, responsibilities, budgets, projects, and conflicts.

She didn’t know why to lead, so she managed… from the stage. I watched her face as she processed the possibility that people might actually contact her for mentoring. What would she do? She’s already so busy!

But if she knew that leading could… save her time, decrease attrition, increase effectiveness, bolster resilience and initiative, and solidify her status as a great boss…

…she would have boldly said, “Yes!”

[Flash] If Leadership Was Easy, Everyone Would Do It

As I was preparing to deliver my “Manage AND Lead” workshop this week, my Mentee challenged, “Why do you think so many people talk about leadership?” I responded, “If leadership was easy, everyone would do it. The world is congested with leadership training because very few people are actually leading.”

Here’s the issue. People intellectually grasp leadership concepts, but they execute their jobs with a manager mindset.

People are greatly-intended creatures. They sincerely want to develop, guide, mentor, and recognize others. Most participants register for leadership programs out of their deep desire and spirited passion to make a difference for the people on their teams.

But then their boss calls screaming, “I need that report ASAP!” …and all worthwhile intentions vaporize! They scramble to send out an urgent message to their people, demanding to know the status of the report!

The stark reality is that we don’t get paid to develop, guide, mentor, or recognize people. We don’t get paid to motivate, encourage, or celebrate people. We don’t get paid to bring joy, passion, or enthusiasm to our role. We don’t get paid to inspire others and draw out their full potential. We don’t get paid to lead.

We. Do. Not. Get. Paid. To. Lead.

We get paid to Manage. We get paid to manage stuff: deadlines, budgets, projects, reports, meetings, calendars, and conflict.

And because of these opposing forces, the Leadership Journey is not easy.

And we don’t make it any easier. By ignoring the managing vs. leading struggle that undermines all great intentions to contribute to others, we guarantee leadership frustrations and even failure. We have designed the system to ensure the survival of the Bad Boss.

If it was easy, everyone would do it, and we wouldn’t need to talk about it so much.

We get paid to Manage. We get the privilege to Lead.

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