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[Flash] Want It More Than You Fear It (Some Tough Love for Mentees)

This morning my Peloton instructor challenged us: “You must want it more than you fear it!” And while we were merely struggling through a resistance class on a stationary bike, we would be negligent not to apply that battle cry to all areas of our life.

We must want a change more than we fear the change.

What change? The desire for a new behavior or skillset, role or responsibility, a different job or a leadership path, a passion project, or a game-changing goal.

Without desire, there is no need to stretch, grow, develop, or evolve. Nothing is luring us to become bigger, better, bolder versions of ourselves.

So then, what do we fear? Judgment, criticism, rejection, humiliation, failure, disappointment, exclusion, or insignificance…. to name a few.

And thanks to this gaggle of fears, we have brilliantly developed unique expertise in self-sabotage! We take actions that interfere with our desires. We create metaphorical roadblocks by procrastinating or justifying with excuses. (The struggle with White Paper Syndrome is real!)

The good news about self-sabotage? We got in our own way, so logically we can get out of our own way. We’re doing it to ourselves, so we can stop doing it to ourselves.

The not so good news? We often don’t see that we’re doing it. We have blindspots!

The great news? Alchemy occurs when a Mentor draws out our aspirations while helping us notice when our fears are festering.

But Mentors can only contribute to us if we want it more than we fear it, even if we don’t know exactly what we want. Caveat… Mentors do not look forward to working with Mentees who invariably procrastinate and incessantly make excuses. It’s just not fun trying to help someone move forward when they are committed to staying stuck.

Want it more than you fear it, and your Mentor will want it for you too!

[Flash] We Are Always Mentoring (just ask Dua Lipa and Keegan-Michael Key)

When pop singer Dua Lipa was 11, her choir teacher told her she couldn’t sing and would never make it. But her rock-singer-turned-marketing-executive father encouraged her talent. At the age of 23, Dua won a Grammy for “Best New Artist.”As a freshman in high school, actor and comedian Keegan-Michael Key was struggling emotionally. The drama teacher’s friend noticed and said to her, “I think Keegan might have a facility for the arts. It would be healing for him. Take him under your wing, please.”

The next day, the drama teacher approached Keegan, “I need you to be involved in the play.” He had never previously considered theater, but he quickly discovered his gifts on the stage, landing major roles every year. Since then, Keegan has won a Peabody and an Emmy for his work.

When I was in high school, my interests wandered drastically. One week I was going to be a librarian, the next a biologist. Junior year I casually enrolled in a Business Law class. But I was immediately captivated by the topic, and my teacher noticed. He encouraged me to continue with Business Law II and nominated me for moot court.

And when my mom offhandedly said, “You know, women can be lawyers,” law school became my destination. Thereafter I practiced law as a start-up attorney in Silicon Valley and loved it!

We are always mentoring others, sometimes deliberately, often inadvertently, even recklessly.

We mentor through our words, our actions, our responses, our advice (solicited and unsolicited), our connections, our encouragement, and even our discouragement.

To mentor others is a privilege. But like any superpower, it comes with a responsibility to be wielded with prudence and purpose.

The first step? Awareness and accountability. Let’s start asking each other, “Who are you mentoring these days?”

When we acknowledge our role in mentoring, we can bolster our intentionality and elevate our impact.

Happy Mentoring Month!

[Flash] Fan Favorites from 2020…

As we reach the end of the year, we are granted a well-earned pause to appreciate where we’ve been and where we’re headed. Thank you for meeting me each week at the intersection of mentoring and leading! As I reflect on the articles I wrote for you each week in 2020, below are the 10 that generated the most conversation:

I’ve Never Met an Insignificant Person
www.mentorlead.com/blog/flash-ive-never-met-an-insignificant-person/

Obi-Wan Kenobi is Not Coming (and Why It’s OK to Ask Someone to Be Your Mentor)
www.mentorlead.com/blog/flash-obi-wan-kenobi-is-not-coming-and-why-its-ok-to-ask-someone-to-be-your-mentor/

Start in the Bleachers (the Secret to Sharing Advice, Opinions, Ideas)
www.mentorlead.com/blog/flash-start-in-the-bleachers-secret-to-sharing-advice-opinions-ideas/

Why Won’t You Lead Already? (the CEO Who Sentenced Her Mentoring Program)
www.mentorlead.com/blog/flash-why-wont-you-lead-already-the-ceo-who-sentenced-her-mentoring-program/

Calm is Contagious (and so is Chaos, Panic, and Stupid)
www.mentorlead.com/blog/flash-calm-is-contagious-and-so-is-chaos-panic-and-stupid/

There Are No Evil Mentors
www.mentorlead.com/blog/flash-there-are-no-evil-mentors/

Is Gumption Taught, Wrought, or Caught?
www.mentorlead.com/blog/flash-is-gumption-taught-wrought-or-caught/

From FOMO to JOMO (the Gift of the Pandemic)
www.mentorlead.com/blog/flash-from-fomo-to-jomo-the-gift-of-the-pandemic/

Take What You Need. Leave the Rest (Advice on Giving Advice)
www.mentorlead.com/blog/flash-take-what-you-need-leave-the-rest-advice-on-giving-advice/

Enough with Ghosting Mentees… It’s Time for Mentor 2.0!
www.mentorlead.com/blog/flash-enough-with-ghosting-mentees-its-time-for-mentor-2-0/

And as you prepare for the new year, check out the unique offerings I’m developing for you in 2021 (more details below my signature):

Mission-Critical Mentoring webinar (Jan 28)
Magnet-Journey Mentoring Program Bootcamp (email me for a special invite)
Introduction & Information Session – a peek inside the Circle (Jan 15)
Circle of Excellence (next one launching Q1)

It is a joy to be on this journey with you! Wishing you a seminal year ahead!

[Flash] 7 Musings to Mutter to Yourself to Salvage your Holidays

At the intersection of fatigue, stress, and pressure is a lot of missed expectations, especially around the holidays, especially this year.

But drama only happens when we jump on the stage and pick up the script.

Before engaging and reacting, consider saying one of these phrases to yourself first:

1. Well, that’s interesting.
This is my new favorite line. I discovered it thanks to success coach David Neagle, who preaches detaching and observing.

2. I wonder why…
To avoid conflict, assume there is missing information – facts, context, backstory, agenda. This thought forces a reflective pause… “I wonder why they’re acting that way.”

3. This will make a great story.
As a situation unfolds in chaos, smile to yourself and think, “Bad decisions always make great stories.”

4. Does this really matter?
When we are so close to a situation, it feels excessively significant. But will it be tomorrow or next week or next year?

5. This is not about me.
Instead of sorting through their emotional garbage, people regularly project it onto us instead. And naturally, it feels personal. But it’s not.

6. Does this need to be said, by me, right now?
We must love giving advice. Even when people don’t ask for it, we’re quick to dole it out. Despite our best intentions, unsolicited advice makes people feel judged and criticized. Unless they’re specifically asking for it, don’t share. (Thank you, Craig Ferguson, for this great question! Click here to read my Flash on this topic from Dec 2019.)

7. I’m editing!
I use this thought like an internal high-five – applauding my sovereignty over my emotions and reminding myself to keep responding deliberately, not reacting defensively.

We cannot control or change people. But we can always control our words and actions. And the only place to start is with our thoughts.

Here’s hoping you enjoy a drama-free, fun-filled holiday!

[Flash] Stop Motivating. Start Winning Hearts Minds and Souls!

Management lore says, “Motivate your people!” As if it’s something we must do to them.

Desperate, we often resort to distracting our people with inspirational quotes, interactive games, and Zoom parties.

The problem is that we’re taking actions that are not getting us the results we want. We’re entertaining people yet hoping for their engagement.

But, in its essence, motivation isn’t about being inspired or entertained. It’s about having the desire to serve a goal.

How can we possibly cause people to desire to serve a goal? We don’t control their intentions and aspirations. Of course, we can certainly require, demand, compel, and force someone to serve a goal. But we’ll never control their desires.

Moreover, while we’re tasked with “motivating others,” we’re often challenged to motivate ourselves. “I can’t get motivated,” we whine.

Enough. Let’s quit motivation!

Instead of wasting time dancing and prancing for people’s attention and engagement, let’s stop “motivating” them and start earning their hearts, minds, and souls.

Former Chairman of General Foods Clarence Francis famously wrote:
“You can buy a man’s time; you can buy a man’s physical presence at a certain place; you can even buy a measured number of skilled muscular motions per hour or day. But you cannot buy enthusiasm; you cannot buy initiative; you cannot buy loyalty; you cannot buy the devotion of hearts, minds, and souls. You have to earn these things.“

How do we earn their hearts, minds, and souls? Through…

shared purpose
strengthened trust
intentional communications
established partnership
offered opportunities to stretch and grow
recognized progress

How do we earn our own heart, mind, and soul? By creating commitments that are stronger than our feelings and circumstances. By finding a reason to act that is greater than all the reasons not to act.

Motivation is trite. Earning hearts, minds, and souls… now that’s a powerful reason to act and a goal worth serving!

[Flash] How a Botched Pie Increased our Emotional Intelligence

To compensate for her thwarted Thanksgiving plans this year, my sister declared that we were going to make pies.

We’ve never baked a pie that didn’t come out of a box, so we were all a bit surprised by her invitation but ready for a new tradition.

I pulled some recipes off the Internet, bought the ingredients, and found my mom, sister, and niece in the kitchen.

My job was to call out the ingredients while they measured, combined, whisked, stirred, beat, and poured.

When we got the pies into the oven, we began to clean up. And that’s when I noticed two eggs still on the counter.

“uhhhhh… Why are those eggs on the counter and not in the pie in the oven?“

Everyone stopped, gaped at the eggs, cursed, and then started laughing.

Not surprisingly, the pie without the eggs was terrible. But we laughed all weekend about the pie-wreck.

Apparently, all that laughing also worked on our EQ! We made it through the holiday without a single fight or altercation.

According to research by Janet Gibson, a psychologist specializing in humor, laughter is a powerful tool that boosts emotional intelligence.

She writes that laughter forces our cognitive and social skills to work together to monitor others’ perspectives and emotions and discern when and why laughter occurs during conversations.

So, not only does a good laugh ease our anxiety, but it also trains our brain for awareness and empathy.

Undoubtedly this improves relationships.

And that’s exactly what happened when we laughed about the forgotten eggs.

Instantly the pressure to make perfect pies evaporated. Our super high expectations of each other and the holiday suddenly disappeared. Instead, we discovered patience and understanding… and a funny story!

All because we deliberately sought out the humor in, instead of the heartache from, a botched pie.

[Flash] 8 Fingertip Phrases to Fuel Generosity

This year has tested us emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. So, the idea of being more generous can feel preposterous.

And yet, research shows that generosity reduces stress, improves our physical health, boosts our sense of purpose, fights depression, bolsters our relationships, and makes us feel better about ourselves.

But we don’t need money to be generous. We need emotional intelligence. We need empathy. We need kindness. Essentials for all mentors, leaders, friends, and parents.

Here are 8 fingertip phrases that will help us be more generous in moments:

1. What happened?
When people miss our expectations, we often jump to conclusions armed with our assumptions. Instead, give people the benefit of the doubt and presume “no bad intent.” We’re all starved for this kind of benevolence.

2. I’ve been thinking about you.
People are lonely. Even when they’re on a zillion Zoom calls and connected to thousands of “friends” on Facebook, they feel isolated, wondering if anyone cares. When people experience loneliness and fear, meet them with kindness and generosity.

3. You’re fabulous!
Notice progress, strengths, and contributions. Let go of perfection (theirs and yours!). We’re all so busy battling our critical inner voice, our self-confidence struggles. Undoubtedly, people always appreciate being appreciated.

4. Interesting, tell me more.
Especially useful when you disagree with a point of view shared about politics or religion. You don’t have to change your mind, but neither do they. Simply be fascinated by someone’s different perspective.

5. How can I help?
“Do you need help?” typically generates a reflexive, “No.” Instead, ask, “How can I help?” or “What can I do for you?” to communicate compassion for their situation and to signal your intention to contribute.

6. I understand.
Helping people feel heard can quickly disarm their defenses. (And it doesn’t mean you have to agree with them!)

7. We’ll figure it out.
Nothing ever goes as planned (as evidenced by 2020). Convey your confidence in someone’s ability to be resilient without pressure.

8. I appreciate… I’m grateful… It’s a joy to work with you…
Let’s invigorate the obligatory “thank you!” When we add context, share the impact, and experiment with new words, people pause to receive the appreciation. “I’m grateful for your mentorship. I appreciate your wisdom. Our conversations make me think differently.”

——————————————————————
To all my readers, I’m grateful for our weekly connections. You inspire me with your commitment to making a difference in your roles as boss, mentor, peer, and human being!

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!

[Flash] Stories Risk Stalling Us; Insights Propel Our Progress

When I lived in San Francisco, I bought a stick shift car that I did not know how to drive. To learn, I practiced at 2:00 am on the steep hills of San Francisco – starting, stopping, and parking (without burning the clutch) until I finally got it.

That was 20 years ago, and I don’t live in San Francisco or own that car anymore. But I love telling that brazen story to anyone who hasn’t heard it!

It’s easy to share our own stories because we experienced them.

More importantly, stories serve our connections. We bond over sagas; we engage and entertain through storytelling; we reveal ourselves through stories.

But stories can also distract us. We tell the tale to a friend; they oooh and ahhhh or awww or ewww; and then we find a different friend and repeat the anecdote, eager for their reaction.

What’s missing is the insight – our observations, perceptions, and discernment of the situation.

To add insight to a story, we must consider what we learned, discovered, or will be doing next because of that experience.

> Insights propel our progress.
> Insights inspire movement.
> Insights demand growth.

If we can articulate an insight, we have wisdom and can take action. If we only have a story, we’re forever looking for a new audience.

My insight from my San Francisco story? Because I was steadfastly committed to learning something new, I exchanged my fears with perseverance and ingenuity.

As leaders and mentors, people love to regale us with their heroic or tragic stories. And we want them to feel safe doing so. But to help people progress from storytelling into action, ask about their insights – what did they discover about themselves or the situation?

While stories are valuable for connecting, the real journey begins when we identify the insights that propel our progress.