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[Flash] Be Direct But Kind

I saw a magnet at a bookstore in NYC that read, “I’m silently judging your grammar.” While it was purposefully snarky, the essential word was “silently.”

No one likes feeling judged and criticized.

Our brains are vigilantly assessing every situation to determine if it’s safe or dangerous. Will we be connecting, cooperating, and collaborating, or will we be judged, criticized, and blamed?

For example, without additional context, our brains naturally consider rude, petty, impatient, curt, inconsiderate, belligerent, or spiteful comments to be “dangerous.”

And dangerous situations breed distrust, causing us to protect, defend, and shut down instinctively.

In one of my leadership mentoring programs, the mentee leaders confessed to an infliction they defined as “being direct.”

I implored these leaders, “Don’t stop being direct! Your people don’t want passive, convoluted conversations!”

“Being direct” is not the issue. It’s direct and unkind where relationships are curdling.

Whether it’s due to stress, impatience, or arrogance, direct and unkind contaminates communication, wrecks trust, and undermines leadership.

Here are some easy-and-effective, direct-but-kind phrases:

I appreciate your effort. Unfortunately, it’s not what I need.
That’s an interesting approach. I was expecting something different.
Here’s what I need. What do you need from me to get there?
Here’s the big picture in which I’m operating. What’s your big picture?
Here are my expectations. What are yours?
I’m confused. I thought we agreed to X. Did I miss something? What happened?

When we care about the other person’s experience in any exchange, we give them a chance to share their expectations, priorities, and challenges… without judgment and criticism.

Being direct but kind is remembering that work is always personal, and your colleagues are always human beings.

“The longest journey you will make in your life is from your head to your heart.”
~ Sioux Indian saying

[Flash] Create More Than You Consume (thanks Jeff Bezos!)

In his final shareholder letter as CEO of Amazon, Jeff Bezos wrote,

“If you want to be successful in business, you have to create more than you consume. Your goal should be to create value for everyone you interact with. Any business that doesn’t create value for those it touches, even if it appears successful on the surface, isn’t long for this world. It’s on the way out.”

He then outlined the specific value that Amazon created in 2020 for its shareholders (net profit), employees (pay and benefits), third-party sellers (profits from selling on Amazon), and customers (time and cost savings) for an estimated total of $301 billion of created value.

We can and should apply Bezos’s sage advice to our work, our family, our friendships, and our community.

Are we creating more than we are consuming?

In each of these constructs, we invariably consume time, energy, money, resources, attention, and services.

And in exchange for that consumption, we meet our job expectations, attend family obligations, respond to friends on Facebook, and pay taxes.

But, borrowing from Bezos, if we don’t create value for the people in our life, we will not be long for our job, relationships, or community. That doesn’t mean our demise. Worse. It means the demise of our passion, enthusiasm, and joy.

Fortunately, “creating value” does not require launching a billion-dollar e-commerce business. We create value when we exceed others’ expectations and up-level our participation and contributions.

In any interaction, we can create value:

Inspire people with a vision
Generate and research ideas
Recommend and own creative solutions
Think and act strategically, not just tactically
Untangle problems
Deescalate drama and conflict
Listen purposefully and engage in conversation
Recognize and cheer for others
Take the initiative to help a customer/family/friend/neighbor
Fix anything broken or messy
Mentor others

One of my Circle of Excellence leaders reflected on her progress recently and shared, “I used to see things that needed to be done, but I didn’t think it was my responsibility. Then I realized that I can actually make a difference.”

When we are committed to creating more than we consume, it’s always our responsibility.

[Flash] Dip Dig and Dive

I met one of my favorite people on a weeklong charity bike ride down the coast of California. Elaine and I had each signed up for the adventure, not knowing each other or anyone else. On Day 1, just south of San Francisco, we serendipitously met cycling through a neighborhood, and we didn’t stop talking until we made it to LA on Day 7.

But it wasn’t my prolific conversation skills that bonded us so quickly – it was all Elaine.

Elaine is masterful at the Dip-Dig-Dive. She dips into a conversation, digs deeper for understanding, and then dives in to learn about a person’s experience.

Harvard affirmed Elaine’s approach in a 2017 study that concluded we could increase our likeability by asking a question and at least two follow-up questions.

Asking a question is easy. People dip into conversations constantly: “How are you?” “What’s new?” “What do you do?”

But due to low confidence, high ego, or poor attention skills, most people quickly shift the topic to themselves or something else.

People seldom dig deeper to understand. And they hardly ever dive in to fully grasp and appreciate another person’s perspectives and experiences.

But it’s impossible to be a meaningful mentor, a better boss, or a full friend if we lack curiosity, understanding, and appreciation.

Dip-Dig-Dive requires intentionality – we must deliberately help other people talk about themselves and then actively (and authentically!) listen to respond and engage.

Naturally, this approach expands our awareness and empathy.

And when we lean into Dip-Dig-Dive, we validate the other person, helping them feel good about themselves, which trips their brain’s dopamine. Inevitably, they attribute feeling significant to our genuine desire to know them.

While it’s tempting to cite the “you-had-me-at-hello” feeling, notice how this practice creates chemistry and accelerates trust with others.

When you’re establishing new relationships as a learning buddy, a mentoring partner, or a leader, use Dip-Dig-Dive to slow down the conversation and speed up the connection.

[Flash] Beware of the Lulu Delusion

When my niece Lulu was 6, her 1st-grade teacher asked, “Lulu, I’m looking for a leader in class. Can you be a leader?“

Lulu came home and frustratingly announced, “Mrs. Davis said she wants me to be a leader, but she does all the talking! How am I supposed to lead if she never stops talking?!”

This is the Lulu Delusion – we think leading is about talking.

But we lead best when we aren’t just talking. Instead, we are:

listening and empathizing
inquiring, discovering, and learning from others
mentoring and serving as a role-model
recognizing, appreciating, and applauding
owning our mistakes and apologizing
helping others be successful
connecting and collaborating for solutions

Lulu is right. People talk too much.

But what Lulu doesn’t get yet is that being asked to be “the leader” is just the beginning of the leadership journey, not the end.

[Flash] Strategy Moves Missions; Tactics Push Projects

I’ve had two types of conversations lately with hospital leaders.

One sounded like this:
“We are losing nurses. They aren’t connecting or engaging. They don’t feel like they belong. And it is costing this hospital hundreds of thousands of dollars every year to replace them. For us, mentoring is not a noble cause; it’s a business imperative.”

The other sounded like this:
“I don’t know… how will we export participant information from our HR system? Should we use this logo or that logo? Should we use this color? Should the font be larger or smaller?”

The first conversation is strategic, while the second is tactical. But only the first will save nurses.

Of course, we cannot eliminate the tactical approach. We rely on tactics to execute and manage strategy. But we always lead with strategy.

Strategic thinking…

solves organizational problems
is a valued leadership trait
ensures big picture, significant-impact decision-making
requires courage to recommend actions without guarantees

Whereas tactical thinking…

drives organizational projects
often exaggerates the importance of minutia
can easily disrupt, distract, and derail the goal
is our knee-jerk, low risk, default

When one group of hospital leaders dove headfirst into the details, I moved the conversation back to the mission with just a few strategic questions:

What does success look like for you?
What does it look like in three years?
What could impact the outcome in a negative way?
What will be the early signs of success or failure?
What broad goals of the hospital will the outcomes support?

Initially, I got swept up in the tactical conversation with the leaders! Exploring methods, procedures, and details is always easier to navigate than crafting a thoughtful (yet uncertain) plan to achieve mission-critical goals and priorities.

But ultimately the strategic shift made a bigger difference for them.

Strategy moves missions. Tactics push projects.

[Flash] When Competence Exceeds Confidence

I love watching American Idol. I enjoy the discovery of hidden talent, the unabashed passion, and the show’s fast pace.

And I’m constantly inspired by people’s pursuit of dreams in the face of steep competition, enormous vulnerability, and inevitable criticism.

This year, however, I’m struck by how many contestants are openly grappling with feelings of inadequacy.

I was similarly astonished during the recent launch of our Circle of Excellence mentoring program. Each leader courageously confessed their need for greater leadership self-confidence.

And then it hit me… I share their struggle!

Each week, I commit to writing this article. And each week, I worry that it won’t be as insightful, pithy, or entertaining as previous articles. I agonize over my shortage of clever ideas. I procrastinate. I question my skills.

Playing armchair psychologist, we could diagnose these internal battles as “imposter syndrome” – the pervasive feeling of self-doubt, insecurity, and incompetence despite evident skill and success.” (American Psychology Association)

The internalized fears generate thoughts like:

“I’m not good enough.”
“I’ve just been lucky.”
“I don’t have what it takes to accomplish this.”
“When are they going to discover that I am a fraud?” (Tom Hanks)
“Why me? Why not this other person?” (Awkwafina)
“I still feel sometimes like a loser kid in high school.” (Lady Gaga)

Competence exceeds confidence. We’re better than we think we are.

But the antidote is not a shift to confidence over competence – that’s insufferable arrogance!

The solution? A shift to commitment over feelings. Purpose over precision.

When the importance and meaning of a commitment serve as our beacon, we prioritize growth and progress, not perfection. Only then can our self-belief flourish.

We can bear witness to this journey on American Idol. When contestants allow their commitment to their dream to overshadow their feelings of inadequacy, they grow and progress rapidly and demonstrably. Suddenly, this purposeful refocus enables their self-belief to rise like a phoenix from the ashes.

[Flash] Hope Beats Optimism

On my third-grade report card, Mrs. Courtier typed “Enthusiastic” and “Optimistic.” My parents immediately pointed out these words, beamed with pride, and lavished me with praise.

I learned early that these were coveted qualities. Not surprisingly, I’ve been enthusiastic and optimistic my entire life.

As psychologist Charles Carver describes my fellow optimists and me, we expect good things will happen in the future.

But while optimism yields positivity, hope yields power.

According to author Charles R. Snyder (The Psychology of Hope), hope is:

the tendency to see desired goals as possible
the belief that we have the ability to achieve the goals
the focus on creating pathways to achieve those goals

In other words, hope ignites plans and actions to achieve our desires.

Yikes. Suddenly, optimism feels rather passive, like an entitled bystander. And hope feels exceptionally active, like an engaged player!

When I reflect on past goals I’ve accomplished, hope beats optimism every time:

It wasn’t optimism that made me study all night for the CPA and Bar exams. It was hope.
It wasn’t optimism that made me win each of my jobs and career changes. It was hope.
It wasn’t optimism that made me cycle in 20 degrees training for my cross-country bike ride. It was hope.

When we hope, we perceive possibility, even through adversity and uncertainty. And when we perceive possibility, we persist. Persistence demands action, not positivity.

Want to be more resilient? Start with hope.
Want to be a better boss? Start with hope.
Want to be a meaningful mentor and a magnificent mentee? Start with hope.

While positivity is undoubtedly preferred over its opposite, it’s hope that breeds action, progress, and growth.

There’s no need to abandon our optimism and enthusiasm provided we intentionally lean into hope when we want to accomplish anything significant in our life.

Start with hope!

[Flash] Time-Poor but Connection-Eager

One of our healthcare clients just completed the first cohort of their Front-Line Nurse Mentoring Program. As I was compiling their final evaluations, I was struck by the data.

While identifying as time-challenged, the participants valued the program’s time-intensive components the most and requested more of them!

Participants reported favoring:

97% “meeting with my mentoring partner”
63% “participating in the mid-point peer report-out and final presentations”

And when asked about recommendations for improving the program, 48% requested more structured mentor-mentee activities.

But when they got to the question about challenges they faced in completing the program, 100% reported “time.”

Isn’t it ironic? The most significant barrier participants encountered was time, yet they urged us to include more time-intensive activities!

Amazingly, when we helped our client create this program, we had to convince her to include the mid-point and final presentations in the structure. She resisted, desperate to ensure the program wasn’t burdensome on her participants.

And then, those same participants critiqued her program for its lack of more demands on their time!

Sadly, while people are busy, they are also lonely.

A sociological study revealed:

in 1985, Americans claimed to have three close confidants
in 2004, only one confidant
25% (1 in 4 Americans!) admitted to having no one to confide in

Why should we care professionally? Because declines in social connectedness…

manifest loneliness, isolation, and alienation,
which inevitably lead to attrition, disengagement, and possible disruption
and threaten people’s health, even more than obesity, smoking, and high blood pressure

Whereas social connections, connectedness, and confidants:

Strengthen the immune system
Lower anxiety and depression
Inspire self-esteem
Bolster empathy and trust
Increase retention
Improve engagement, cooperation, and innovation

So, we should not be surprised that essential, front-line nurses in a pandemic valued social connections and requested even more of them.

While time is not a fundamental human need, belonging is.