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[Flash] Does It Matter or Merely Annoy?

I loved being a lawyer. But I became irritated practicing law.

I delighted in helping my start-up clients launch and grow their companies. But I increasingly disliked arguing with opposing counsel over contract provisions that did not support a business deal our clients needed.

Focused on the commas in the contract, we quickly lost sight of the big picture!

Author Dan Pink in his book A Whole New Mind, introduced me to one of my favorite questions: Does it matter, or does it merely annoy?

A valuable query to spark the quest for a broader perspective!

I spoke with a leader recently who was fighting a peer over a policy change. He called me to think it out loud and instead argued why he was right and the policy should remain.

When he took a breath, I asked, “Does it really matter, or does it merely annoy you?”

He stopped.

I continued mentoring, “Who cares if the policy is changed? Is there an impact on your success or the company’s success? Or does something about this situation or person bother you?”

He finally admitted, “I don’t like my peer. She’s a snake.”

I responded, “But you’re wasting your time, energy, and political resources fighting someone for something that doesn’t make a difference.”

He acquiesced, the policy was changed uneventfully, and everyone moved on to more significant issues.

Leaders constantly complain that people don’t see the big picture. But when our daily tasks hijack our attention, we don’t routinely see the big picture.

To grasp the whole situation, we must deliberately look for it.

Questions to help us, our people, and our mentees focus on the broader perspective:

What is most important to the success of the organization?
What is the impact of this issue/decision on the organization?
Does this issue/decision matter to the organization’s success?
Am I wasting time and energy on a situation or someone who merely aggravates me?

When we’re staring at the lollipop, we can easily forget that we’re standing in a candy factory!

[Flash] The Courage Not To Be Discouraged

Recently 60 Minutes aired Lesley Stahl’s interview with Ben Ferencz, an investigator of Nazi war crimes and the last living Nuremberg prosecutor in the murder trial of German SS officers.

Ben has since spent his entire life advocating for peace.

In the interview, Lesley wondered about Ben’s indefatigable pursuit of peace in the face of unrelenting genocide around the world.

Ben pushed back, offering examples of society’s evolving mindset toward compassion. “People get discouraged. They should remember from me: it takes courage not to be discouraged.”

Ben turned 101 this year and received a nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why does it take courage? Because people are constantly questioning, judging, challenging, and doubting themselves and each other. Is anyone really making a difference? Does it even matter? Who cares? Why bother?

How do we muster the courage to persist?

Be energized, enthralled, or even enraged about anything at work or in life.
Find mentors to fan those flames.
Make progress every day.

At the risk of trivializing world peace, here are some lighter examples of people who have pursued, persisted, and persevered:

Steven Spielberg was rejected from USC’s film school 3 times.
Oprah Winfrey was fired as an evening news reporter for being unable to separate her emotions from her reporting.
Steven King’s first book Carrie was rejected 30 times.
Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
Marilyn Monroe and Lucille Ball were told to seek non-film careers.
Colonel Harlan David Sanders was rejected by 1,009 restaurants before one accepted his Kentucky-fried chicken.
Retired Xerox CEO Ursula Burns and former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz each grew up in NYC housing projects.
Mary Elizabeth Mahoney was the first African American nurse to complete official nurse training. She graduated in 1879 from the same school where she had previously worked as a janitor and a cook.

“You have to be burning with an idea, or a problem, or a wrong that you want to right. If you’re not passionate enough from the start, you’ll never stick it out.” ~ Steve Jobs.

[Flash] I Almost Forgot the I Do’s

Last weekend I officiated the wedding of my friends Connie and Mike. What an honor!

We started preparing for the celebration in 2020. I drafted a script for the ceremony chocked with wording alternatives, and I sent it to them for review and discussion. But when the pandemic postponed the wedding, I forgot about the script altogether.

Instead, I became their Mentor in addition to their Officiant.

I recommended that they take dance lessons and choreograph their first dance.
I nudged them to hire a videographer (based on my failure to do so at my wedding).
I encouraged them to engage in a how-well-do-you-know-your-bride/groom activity.
And I challenged Connie and Mike to write their own vows.

Like earnest Mentees, the happy couple followed my guidance, embraced my advice, and incorporated my ideas.

A week before the wedding, Connie sent me an email with the “final” ceremony script. I printed it, glanced it over, and tucked it into my suitcase. While I fretted about my shoes, I didn’t bother with the script. The bride had!

On the day of the wedding, I pulled out the script to rehearse. And that’s when I discovered the gaping holes: “I do” had disappeared, and “with this ring, I thee wed” was missing! And it didn’t appear intentional.

An hour before the wedding, I scrambled to find the bride and groom and offer my most important mentoring. I urged an adjustment to the ceremony, prodding, “You’ll simply repeat after me.”

Like spirited Mentees, Connie and Mike each said, “I trust you.”

I scribbled my changes onto my copy and hurried to the altar to start the ceremony. And as they repeated after me and placed a ring on each other’s left hand, I exhaled with relief!

But I was left wondering, “How had I missed that?”

And then it struck me… I had stopped mentoring. I had become a Wayward Mentor. I offered mentoring when it was convenient for me, but not when it was important to them.

And so, at my friends’ wedding, I also made a vow: I promise to never just do my job when I can also make a difference.

[Flash] Are You Listening With or Listening For?

I’ve had several leaders confess to me recently that they need to “listen more.”

And they’re not wrong. Statistics show that because we think faster than others speak, our minds wander, causing us to comprehend and retain only 25% of what we hear.

The instigator of this problem? Our propensity to “listen for” instead of “listen with.”

We listen for a pause in the conversation, so we know it’s our turn.
We listen for similarities in the speaker’s story so we can segue to one of our own stories.
We listen for errors, inaccuracies, and exaggerations so we can rush in to correct them.
We listen for statements we disagree with, so we can refute them.
We listen for judgment, criticism, and blame so that we can defend, justify, and explain.

(Being a self-proclaimed Sentence Stepper, Spotlight Stealer, and former attorney, I am often guilty of “listening for.”)

But we can powerfully move conversations forward when we…

Listen with curiosity, interest, and fascination
Listen with objectivity and suspended judgment
Listen with a commitment to understand
Listen with a desire to engage and connect
Listen with a determination to find a solution

A few strategies:

Mute the phone when others talk
Take notes to convey respect while forcing our focus and allowing us to clarify and reflect readily
Ask Involve Questions

Not judgment-veiled questions (“Why would you do that?”). Not declarative questions (“Wow! You’re still talking?”).

Involve-the-other-person-in-the-conversation Questions. For example:

What outcome would make this meeting valuable?
What are we solving for?
How will we measure success?
What are your expectations?
Why is this important to your team or the organization?
hmmm, interesting. How would we make that work?

I’ve posted my Involve Questions on the wall behind my computer. When I’m on Zoom, it’s easy for me to glance and involve.

And then I’m like a participant in an improv class, eager to play with whatever answer my audience tosses to me.

We can do better than “listen more.” Let’s listen with voracity and a pinch of amusement!

[Flash] Brutal Honesty or Merciful Mentoring?

A manager called me this week, and the conversation unfolded as follows:

Manager: Sometimes, I need to be brutally honest with my team.

Me: What’s brutal about it?

Manager: For example, I’ll tell one of my guys the things that are tough for him to hear. It’s my job to help him see what others see.

Me: Interesting. That sounds like stabbing him in the eye with a stick to help his vision. Have you tried mentoring instead?

Manager: I’m not his mentor! I’m his boss.

Me: Ok… I’ll be brutally honest. You are a lousy leader. And your people don’t trust you.

Manager: Ouch.

Me: What? That didn’t help you improve your leadership?

Manager: Not at all.

Me: Exactly. Look, the problem with brutal honesty is that the “brutal” overshadows the “honesty.” It inevitably puts the receiver on the defensive. Sadly, they miss the information and insights you’re offering and instead accuse you of being rude, direct, or unkind.

Manager: Folks have complained that I can be blunt… But doesn’t my guy need to know what’s wrong with him?

Me: What makes you think he doesn’t already know?

You’ve worked with him for six months. He’s worked with himself for 46 years. I’m sure he’s cognizant of his shortcomings. He doesn’t need confirmation of those from you. He needs some new ideas, a fresh approach, some advice, guidance, and encouragement.

Manager: So, how do I start mentoring someone I’ve never bothered to mentor previously?

Me: Mentor in moments. Practice sprinkling any of these phrases into your conversations:

In my years as a leader, I’ve learned to…
I would encourage you to…
Here’s a rule I live by…
One of my best practices is…
I recommend…
In my experience, I have found that…
Have you connected with [NAME] to get her perspective?
In my view, one thing you did well is… and one thing I think you could do differently is…
Here’s an excellent opportunity for us to improve and grow…

When you’re overwhelmed managing tasks, it’s easy to see people as another task to manage. But instead, you can intentionally kindle people’s potential by making a contribution instead of making a condemnation.

Forget brutal honesty. Try merciful mentoring.

[Flash] Not Your Circus. Not Your Monkeys.

Many leaders lately have shared similar frustrations with me: “Why are my peers O.K. with mediocrity?” “How can I get my boss to change her behavior?”

My response: “Not your circus. Not your monkeys.”

Originated in Poland, this adage is an admonition that we are not in control of specific people or situations. If we were, we could do something to change or direct them. And because we are not, agonizing and stressing about them is a waste of our time and energy.

This is similar to the first part of the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is a playful way of reminding us to let go.

When we recognize that it’s not our circus to fix, change, or control, we can also let go of our resentment, disdain, and contempt.

Be cautious, however. Not letting go but saying you did will quickly have you feeling like those disgruntled employees who sneer, “Not my job!” communicating their refusal to help and their overall callous indifference.

While it’s not our Circus and we aren’t the Ringmaster, we can still care about the mediocre performance and disappointing behaviors. We are like ticket-holding Spectators under the Big Top, expecting a sensational show!

But when our expectations are not met, here’s what we can do:

Appreciate the struggle and the growth journey people are on
Commiserate around shared challenges
Offer to help through advice, perspectives, ideas, and resources
Influence through words and actions
(Aiming for excellence often inspires others to aim for excellence)
Be intrigued and entertained, like every other Spectator
Leave the Big Top altogether

Letting go leaves us with space and energy in which to demonstrate empathy, kindness, and humanity. And that is the Greatest Show on Earth.

[Flash] I Want To Lead Like Forest Whitaker

I always knew Forest Whitaker was a prolific and formidable actor (Platoon, The Butler, Black Panther, The Last King of Scotland); but I was unaware of his passion for directing and producing.

While promoting his latest role in Godfather of Harlem, he shared his experiences behind the camera.

When asked about why he loves directing, Forest reflected, “I get a chance to help people [the actors, the crew] rise to the greatness of themselves – the great part of who they are. They feel like they are reaching upwards together.”

While that sounds aspirational, he left me wondering… how does he help people rise to the greatness of themselves while managing a movie?

And after reading more about the reserved but mighty Forest Whitaker, I discovered the answer: by rising to the greatness of himself.

In a 2013 interview rippled with captivating questions, Forest revealed the following gems about himself:

When he looks in the mirror, he sees a person trying to build connection with the world.
The essential quality he believes all successful people share is passion.
If we weren’t an actor, director, and producer, he would be a teacher or a healer.
His wish for humanity is that everyone could recognize themselves in the face of the other people that they see.
His advice for others is to tell yourself that you want to continue to grow, and you’ll be more connected to growth.

Inevitably, when Forest directs a movie, he manages it like a high-profile project – exactly what he gets paid to do.

But he uses his platform to lead the people on his project. And because of this commitment, Forest prioritizes connecting, teaching, passion, empathy, and continuous growth.

The bridge between managing and leading is paved with mentoring and decorated with greatness.

[Flash] I Hate Strangers (But I Like People)

Last month I traveled for the first time since the world shut down. I got on an airplane, hired an Uber upon landing, and stayed at a hotel.

And suddenly I remembered what a year in quarantine helped me forget… I really hate strangers.

I hate them in lines at the airport. I hate them on the plane. I hate them while driving. I hate them at the hotel. I hate them in restaurants.

I hate them here. I hate them there. I hate them everywhere.

But I like people.

I like hearing their journey unfold. I enjoy learning about their childhood adventures and career choices. I am fascinated to discover what makes people tick. And I am amused when their story challenges my assumptions and preconceived notions.

So why do strangers scare me? Because they have the absolute power to reject me at any moment.

Therefore, I work especially hard to reject strangers first. Often, I do this by internally judging and criticizing them. Sometimes, I ignore them.

But because I like people, I deliberately find ways to turn strangers into people.

I smile first.
I find something to compliment.
I say something snarky about our shared circumstances (like a packed plane in a pandemic!).
I look for a commonality (if they have a dog, they are never strangers!).
I get interested in where they grew up.
I ask questions and earnestly listen, eager to dig deeper and dive in to learn more.
I wonder about their perspectives, their experiences, and their world.
I ask “How” questions instead of “Why” questions to stay curious without judgment.
I give them a chance (which is like kryptonite to my internal stranger-loathing thoughts).

And I remind myself of the Big Secret: strangers are afraid that I’m going to reject them!

Instantly, like a superpower, I get to set us both free.

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