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[Flash] Not Your Circus. Not Your Monkeys.

Many leaders lately have shared similar frustrations with me: “Why are my peers O.K. with mediocrity?” “How can I get my boss to change her behavior?”

My response: “Not your circus. Not your monkeys.”

Originated in Poland, this adage is an admonition that we are not in control of specific people or situations. If we were, we could do something to change or direct them. And because we are not, agonizing and stressing about them is a waste of our time and energy.

This is similar to the first part of the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is a playful way of reminding us to let go.

When we recognize that it’s not our circus to fix, change, or control, we can also let go of our resentment, disdain, and contempt.

Be cautious, however. Not letting go but saying you did will quickly have you feeling like those disgruntled employees who sneer, “Not my job!” communicating their refusal to help and their overall callous indifference.

While it’s not our Circus and we aren’t the Ringmaster, we can still care about the mediocre performance and disappointing behaviors. We are like ticket-holding Spectators under the Big Top, expecting a sensational show!

But when our expectations are not met, here’s what we can do:

Appreciate the struggle and the growth journey people are on
Commiserate around shared challenges
Offer to help through advice, perspectives, ideas, and resources
Influence through words and actions
(Aiming for excellence often inspires others to aim for excellence)
Be intrigued and entertained, like every other Spectator
Leave the Big Top altogether

Letting go leaves us with space and energy in which to demonstrate empathy, kindness, and humanity. And that is the Greatest Show on Earth.

[Flash] I Want To Lead Like Forest Whitaker

I always knew Forest Whitaker was a prolific and formidable actor (Platoon, The Butler, Black Panther, The Last King of Scotland); but I was unaware of his passion for directing and producing.

While promoting his latest role in Godfather of Harlem, he shared his experiences behind the camera.

When asked about why he loves directing, Forest reflected, “I get a chance to help people [the actors, the crew] rise to the greatness of themselves – the great part of who they are. They feel like they are reaching upwards together.”

While that sounds aspirational, he left me wondering… how does he help people rise to the greatness of themselves while managing a movie?

And after reading more about the reserved but mighty Forest Whitaker, I discovered the answer: by rising to the greatness of himself.

In a 2013 interview rippled with captivating questions, Forest revealed the following gems about himself:

When he looks in the mirror, he sees a person trying to build connection with the world.
The essential quality he believes all successful people share is passion.
If we weren’t an actor, director, and producer, he would be a teacher or a healer.
His wish for humanity is that everyone could recognize themselves in the face of the other people that they see.
His advice for others is to tell yourself that you want to continue to grow, and you’ll be more connected to growth.

Inevitably, when Forest directs a movie, he manages it like a high-profile project – exactly what he gets paid to do.

But he uses his platform to lead the people on his project. And because of this commitment, Forest prioritizes connecting, teaching, passion, empathy, and continuous growth.

The bridge between managing and leading is paved with mentoring and decorated with greatness.

[Flash] I Hate Strangers (But I Like People)

Last month I traveled for the first time since the world shut down. I got on an airplane, hired an Uber upon landing, and stayed at a hotel.

And suddenly I remembered what a year in quarantine helped me forget… I really hate strangers.

I hate them in lines at the airport. I hate them on the plane. I hate them while driving. I hate them at the hotel. I hate them in restaurants.

I hate them here. I hate them there. I hate them everywhere.

But I like people.

I like hearing their journey unfold. I enjoy learning about their childhood adventures and career choices. I am fascinated to discover what makes people tick. And I am amused when their story challenges my assumptions and preconceived notions.

So why do strangers scare me? Because they have the absolute power to reject me at any moment.

Therefore, I work especially hard to reject strangers first. Often, I do this by internally judging and criticizing them. Sometimes, I ignore them.

But because I like people, I deliberately find ways to turn strangers into people.

I smile first.
I find something to compliment.
I say something snarky about our shared circumstances (like a packed plane in a pandemic!).
I look for a commonality (if they have a dog, they are never strangers!).
I get interested in where they grew up.
I ask questions and earnestly listen, eager to dig deeper and dive in to learn more.
I wonder about their perspectives, their experiences, and their world.
I ask “How” questions instead of “Why” questions to stay curious without judgment.
I give them a chance (which is like kryptonite to my internal stranger-loathing thoughts).

And I remind myself of the Big Secret: strangers are afraid that I’m going to reject them!

Instantly, like a superpower, I get to set us both free.

[Flash] Be Direct But Kind

I saw a magnet at a bookstore in NYC that read, “I’m silently judging your grammar.” While it was purposefully snarky, the essential word was “silently.”

No one likes feeling judged and criticized.

Our brains are vigilantly assessing every situation to determine if it’s safe or dangerous. Will we be connecting, cooperating, and collaborating, or will we be judged, criticized, and blamed?

For example, without additional context, our brains naturally consider rude, petty, impatient, curt, inconsiderate, belligerent, or spiteful comments to be “dangerous.”

And dangerous situations breed distrust, causing us to protect, defend, and shut down instinctively.

In one of my leadership mentoring programs, the mentee leaders confessed to an infliction they defined as “being direct.”

I implored these leaders, “Don’t stop being direct! Your people don’t want passive, convoluted conversations!”

“Being direct” is not the issue. It’s direct and unkind where relationships are curdling.

Whether it’s due to stress, impatience, or arrogance, direct and unkind contaminates communication, wrecks trust, and undermines leadership.

Here are some easy-and-effective, direct-but-kind phrases:

I appreciate your effort. Unfortunately, it’s not what I need.
That’s an interesting approach. I was expecting something different.
Here’s what I need. What do you need from me to get there?
Here’s the big picture in which I’m operating. What’s your big picture?
Here are my expectations. What are yours?
I’m confused. I thought we agreed to X. Did I miss something? What happened?

When we care about the other person’s experience in any exchange, we give them a chance to share their expectations, priorities, and challenges… without judgment and criticism.

Being direct but kind is remembering that work is always personal, and your colleagues are always human beings.

“The longest journey you will make in your life is from your head to your heart.”
~ Sioux Indian saying

[Flash] Create More Than You Consume (thanks Jeff Bezos!)

In his final shareholder letter as CEO of Amazon, Jeff Bezos wrote,

“If you want to be successful in business, you have to create more than you consume. Your goal should be to create value for everyone you interact with. Any business that doesn’t create value for those it touches, even if it appears successful on the surface, isn’t long for this world. It’s on the way out.”

He then outlined the specific value that Amazon created in 2020 for its shareholders (net profit), employees (pay and benefits), third-party sellers (profits from selling on Amazon), and customers (time and cost savings) for an estimated total of $301 billion of created value.

We can and should apply Bezos’s sage advice to our work, our family, our friendships, and our community.

Are we creating more than we are consuming?

In each of these constructs, we invariably consume time, energy, money, resources, attention, and services.

And in exchange for that consumption, we meet our job expectations, attend family obligations, respond to friends on Facebook, and pay taxes.

But, borrowing from Bezos, if we don’t create value for the people in our life, we will not be long for our job, relationships, or community. That doesn’t mean our demise. Worse. It means the demise of our passion, enthusiasm, and joy.

Fortunately, “creating value” does not require launching a billion-dollar e-commerce business. We create value when we exceed others’ expectations and up-level our participation and contributions.

In any interaction, we can create value:

Inspire people with a vision
Generate and research ideas
Recommend and own creative solutions
Think and act strategically, not just tactically
Untangle problems
Deescalate drama and conflict
Listen purposefully and engage in conversation
Recognize and cheer for others
Take the initiative to help a customer/family/friend/neighbor
Fix anything broken or messy
Mentor others

One of my Circle of Excellence leaders reflected on her progress recently and shared, “I used to see things that needed to be done, but I didn’t think it was my responsibility. Then I realized that I can actually make a difference.”

When we are committed to creating more than we consume, it’s always our responsibility.

[Flash] Dip Dig and Dive

I met one of my favorite people on a weeklong charity bike ride down the coast of California. Elaine and I had each signed up for the adventure, not knowing each other or anyone else. On Day 1, just south of San Francisco, we serendipitously met cycling through a neighborhood, and we didn’t stop talking until we made it to LA on Day 7.

But it wasn’t my prolific conversation skills that bonded us so quickly – it was all Elaine.

Elaine is masterful at the Dip-Dig-Dive. She dips into a conversation, digs deeper for understanding, and then dives in to learn about a person’s experience.

Harvard affirmed Elaine’s approach in a 2017 study that concluded we could increase our likeability by asking a question and at least two follow-up questions.

Asking a question is easy. People dip into conversations constantly: “How are you?” “What’s new?” “What do you do?”

But due to low confidence, high ego, or poor attention skills, most people quickly shift the topic to themselves or something else.

People seldom dig deeper to understand. And they hardly ever dive in to fully grasp and appreciate another person’s perspectives and experiences.

But it’s impossible to be a meaningful mentor, a better boss, or a full friend if we lack curiosity, understanding, and appreciation.

Dip-Dig-Dive requires intentionality – we must deliberately help other people talk about themselves and then actively (and authentically!) listen to respond and engage.

Naturally, this approach expands our awareness and empathy.

And when we lean into Dip-Dig-Dive, we validate the other person, helping them feel good about themselves, which trips their brain’s dopamine. Inevitably, they attribute feeling significant to our genuine desire to know them.

While it’s tempting to cite the “you-had-me-at-hello” feeling, notice how this practice creates chemistry and accelerates trust with others.

When you’re establishing new relationships as a learning buddy, a mentoring partner, or a leader, use Dip-Dig-Dive to slow down the conversation and speed up the connection.

[Flash] Beware of the Lulu Delusion

When my niece Lulu was 6, her 1st-grade teacher asked, “Lulu, I’m looking for a leader in class. Can you be a leader?“

Lulu came home and frustratingly announced, “Mrs. Davis said she wants me to be a leader, but she does all the talking! How am I supposed to lead if she never stops talking?!”

This is the Lulu Delusion – we think leading is about talking.

But we lead best when we aren’t just talking. Instead, we are:

listening and empathizing
inquiring, discovering, and learning from others
mentoring and serving as a role-model
recognizing, appreciating, and applauding
owning our mistakes and apologizing
helping others be successful
connecting and collaborating for solutions

Lulu is right. People talk too much.

But what Lulu doesn’t get yet is that being asked to be “the leader” is just the beginning of the leadership journey, not the end.

[Flash] Strategy Moves Missions; Tactics Push Projects

I’ve had two types of conversations lately with hospital leaders.

One sounded like this:
“We are losing nurses. They aren’t connecting or engaging. They don’t feel like they belong. And it is costing this hospital hundreds of thousands of dollars every year to replace them. For us, mentoring is not a noble cause; it’s a business imperative.”

The other sounded like this:
“I don’t know… how will we export participant information from our HR system? Should we use this logo or that logo? Should we use this color? Should the font be larger or smaller?”

The first conversation is strategic, while the second is tactical. But only the first will save nurses.

Of course, we cannot eliminate the tactical approach. We rely on tactics to execute and manage strategy. But we always lead with strategy.

Strategic thinking…

solves organizational problems
is a valued leadership trait
ensures big picture, significant-impact decision-making
requires courage to recommend actions without guarantees

Whereas tactical thinking…

drives organizational projects
often exaggerates the importance of minutia
can easily disrupt, distract, and derail the goal
is our knee-jerk, low risk, default

When one group of hospital leaders dove headfirst into the details, I moved the conversation back to the mission with just a few strategic questions:

What does success look like for you?
What does it look like in three years?
What could impact the outcome in a negative way?
What will be the early signs of success or failure?
What broad goals of the hospital will the outcomes support?

Initially, I got swept up in the tactical conversation with the leaders! Exploring methods, procedures, and details is always easier to navigate than crafting a thoughtful (yet uncertain) plan to achieve mission-critical goals and priorities.

But ultimately the strategic shift made a bigger difference for them.

Strategy moves missions. Tactics push projects.

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