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One of the hosts, Sean Hayes, asked her, “Has anyone come backstage to pop off about how you could make it better?”

Ironically, someone had! And Sarah was eager to tell the tale…

Actress Trish Hawkins came to see Sarah perform in a play called Tally’s Folly. Years before, Trish had played the same role as Sarah in the same play.

Two days later, Sarah received from Trish a six-page email with notes, observations, and recommendations for Sarah based on Trish’s prior experience.

Let’s assume that Trish was well-intended and merely meant to contribute to Sarah based on the wisdom she had gained in the same role.

The problem? Trish never asked if Sarah wanted any advice on improving her performance. And Sarah felt blindsided by Trish’s email—she didn’t ask for nor expect Trish’s advice.

To Sarah, Trish’s contribution felt like a condemnation, regardless of intention.

Insulted and incensed, Sarah tattled on Trish’s advice-bombing to 25 million listeners of the SmartLess podcast in retribution. She called Trish’s actions “outrageous!” 

When we’re unprepared to receive advice, we can easily feel judged and criticized.

In mentoring, we are called upon to get and give advice. So, what can you do differently to exchange wisdom?

When advice is unexpected, protect your confidence (and the relationship):

1. Assume good intent, albeit poor delivery.
2. Recognize and respect your “emotional boundaries” in different situations. Feeling vulnerable, insecure, or fragile is no state for incoming counsel.
3. Sift for good stuff, “What did you like about the performance?”
4. Pause the blitz, “Could we do this later?”
5. Stop reading any advice-filled email until you’re ready.
6. Playfully retort, “Darn. I wish I were in the right mindset to hear this!”
7. Resist revenge.

To contribute (without unintentionally condemning):

1. “I’ve had a similar experience! Let’s exchange war stories and insights when you’re ready.”
2. “My perspective is a bit different. Let me know when you think it might be valuable to you.”
3. “I’m happy to collaborate on ideas.”
4. “Would you consider…? What if…?”
5. “How can I help?”
6. “What has your experience been like? What have you learned?”
7. “How have you grown since you started this project?”

Advice is the heart of mentoring, and it only beats with compassion.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Fluffy found Trevor backstage and boldly made him an offer: “Come on the road with me. I want to expose you to my audience – I think they will love you.”

Reflecting on this conversation, Trevor acknowledged, “One of the greatest gifts you gave me was putting me in front of audiences that never otherwise would have seen me. I wouldn’t have become the host of The Daily Show without you.”

Trevor asked his mentor, “Why did you bring me on the road with you?”

Fluffy: “You were different, so unique. I look at the entire show from the fan’s experience and ask, ‘Are people going to enjoy it from the beginning to the end? Or are they just sitting there waiting for me?’”

Fluffy continued: “When other people put on a kick-ass show, it makes me work harder because now I have to perform better than I’m used to performing. It makes me a better comic.”

Mentoring is often seen as an altruistic, pay-it-forward act. But let’s also appreciate the selfishness that can steer us into mentoring.

Fluffy deliberately took Trevor under his wing, but not philanthropically. He wasn’t wandering the streets of LA, wondering whose career he could ignite.

Fluffy identified an opportunity to benefit from mentoring Trevor. He was confident that while he helped Trevor, Trevor could help him.

Yes, mentoring is deeply rooted in and fueled by altruism. But altruism alone does not typically compel action.

The pursuit of success compels action. Fluffy’s commitment to the success of his show drove him to seek out Trevor and offer him the opening act.

A selfish quest for success and a selfless commitment to make a difference can and do co-exist. When Trevor became Fluffy’s opening act, Fluffy committed to mentoring Trevor: expanding Trevor’s audience, teaching him about the business, and advising him on cultivating an audience.

What selfish reason do you have to mentor? 

Could mentoring others:

• earn points on your clinical ladder or support a certification or doctorate journey?
• demonstrate your leadership?
• improve your confidence?
• shift your team’s performance?
• help onboard, engage, and retain your organization’s coveted new employees?
• expose you to different departments, job levels, or generations?
• expand your network?
• change your attitude at work?
• inspire your own growth?

There’s power in selfish selflessness – the reciprocal nature of your mentoring relationship will alchemize you and your Mentee.   

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

1. Go to law school.
2. Move away from home.
3. Live near your mom at the end of her life.

With each piece of mentoring, I pivoted my path: I graduated from law school, I moved from Chicago to San Francisco, and I moved back home to share my mom’s last few years.

Go to Law School
I was captivated by my business law class in high school, but I never considered law as a career path. My mom noticed my interest and suggested, “Women can be lawyers. You can go to law school.” (So I did and I am.)

Move Away from Home
As I graduated from law school, I struggled, searching for the next step. When Michael, a partner at the firm where I interned, shared his experience of moving away from home for a few years, he described it as the “Best thing I ever did.” (So I did and it was.)

Live Near Your Mom at the End of Her Life
While my mom and I have always been extremely close, I never considered moving back home. But then I met Cindy at a conference, and she shared her move home to Buffalo to spend time with her aging mom. Vulnerably, she revealed that her mom had recently passed and how grateful she was for the time they had together. (So I did and so am I.)

Each of these mentoring moments twisted the kaleidoscope for me. Once someone unveiled it through their suggestion or story, the path became a possibility.

The critical part, however, is not the mentoring I received; it’s that I was ready for it. When the words of advice showed up, I recognized them as gems. I was ready to take action.

To be clear, I have received additional kaleidoscope-twisting, path-pivoting advice throughout my life, but I was not a “ready-now Mentee” when that advice presented itself.

What does it mean to be a ready-now Mentee?

• Ready for change (or ready to embrace change that is happening)
• Curiously seeking guidance, ideas, and fresh perspectives
• Open to exploring, experimenting, and discovering
• Willing to be vulnerable and authentic
• Able to receive suggestions as contributions, not condemnations
• Eager to take action, improve, and grow

While it’s good practice to have a goal as you seek mentoring, being ready-now for mentoring is ultimately the game-changing best practice.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Loosely based on the Pop-Tarts origin story, Unfrosted tells the tale of the race between Kellogg’s and Post to create the first breakfast pastry in 1963.

Reflecting on his directorial debut experience, Seinfeld compared the simplicity of his stand-up comedy career with his role as a director. He never before needed to navigate so many personalities to create a fun environment.

Seinfeld shared this example:
“We had one guy from the props department blow up on the set. He lost his temper one time and started screaming at his underling. And I said, ‘We have to calm down. It’s a movie about Pop-Tarts! None of this matters!‘”

Seinfeld’s endeavor to diffuse and redirect is a mentor super skill.

We rightly extol a mentor’s “active listening“ skills – acknowledging and validating a mentee’s experience, helping them feel heard and felt (credit: Just Listen by Mark Goulston).

And yet, redirecting people out of their valley of despair is an equally powerful mentoring skill.

The secret? Leverage the trust that is created through active listening.

This foundation of trust promises contribution not condemnation, enabling the mentor to deliberately redirect the mentee through conversation.

• I hear you. You’re feeling frustrated/angry/disappointed. I might, too, in that situation.
• Here’s my perspective that could help us view this another way. (It’s a Pop-Tarts movie!)
• Let’s explore how to turn this into a learning experience or find a solution.
• What aspect would you like to focus on?
• How can I support you?
• What should we do next?

One of my mom’s superpowers is the ability to diffuse anger and upset. As a Managing Broker, she led an office of 100 personality-rich realtors in a Chicago suburb, and nothing rattled or riled her. Even when someone unleashed their anger on her, she remained unflappable.

Her benchmark response: “It’s OK. What’s the worst that can happen?“

I don’t have memories of my mom expressing stress or anger when we were kids. Instead, I remember her giving us space to vent, validating our emotions, diverting us with “what’s the worst that can happen,“ helping us devise solutions, and then championing our actions without rescuing us. A consummate mentor.

Today, when my team feels stressed, I remind all of us, “It’s just a mentoring program. No one’s going to die.“

We could call it a Pop-Tarts perspective! 

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

While mentoring is not therapy and mentors are not clinicians, their mentors’ advice transcends the various ways we contribute to others on a learning journey:

1. Engage as if it’s the only chance to make a difference. (Elizabeth Heaney, LPC, Asheville, NC)
Approach each mentoring conversation with piercing boldness and intention, seeking to make a deep connection rather than a perfunctory contact.

2. Never underestimate the impact of showing up for others. (Lauren Donnelly, Ph.D., LCSW, Allentown, PA)
Mentees might seek career advice and guidance, but they stay because of a mentor’s caring presence. Listening, validation, encouragement, and hope are cornerstones of a trusting relationship. As Dr. Donnelly mused, “Simply showing up for someone can give them the courage to show up for themselves.”

3. Offer exploration, not information. (Emily Kline, Ph.D., Boston, MA)
Mentees look to Google for research, expertise, and information. They seek out human beings to help them explore options and plunge into experiences.

4. Interrupting is collaborative, not rude. (Levi Riven, Ph.D. C. Pscyh. Ottawa Ontario)
While mentees often unpack situations by venting, the mark of a skilled mentor is the ability to redirect mentees and pivot a conversation from active listening and acknowledgment to analysis and advice.

5. Ideas alone are not enough. (Russell Siler Jones, Th.D., LCMHCS, Asheville, NC)
German psychiatrist Frieda Fromm-Reichmann: “The patient needs an experience, not an explanation.” Mentees change not from our ideas and advice but from their actions.

6. Illuminate the path, don’t take control. (Carolyn Jaroll, LCSW-C, CEDS-S, Baltimore, MD)
Mentors wrestle their well-intended proclivity to fix and rescue mentees – a disempowering and exhausting habit. Give people the space and grace to find their own way.

7. Just say, “Wow.” (Diane Solomon, Ph.D. PMH-NP-BC, CNM, Portland, OR)
“Wow” validates the mentee while helping mentors actively listen.

8. Leave room for humor. (Samuel Pauker, M.D. New York, NY)
As Dr. Pauker reflected, “There is deep humanity in sharing humor.” Provided a bedrock of trust exists between mentor and mentee, humor can lighten the moment, decrease anxiety, and extend the connection.

9. Accept gratitude. (Anshan Mohamedali, Ph.D., Oyster Bay, NY)
Mentees say “thank you” to acknowledge the insights, ideas, advice, and perspectives that mentors share. There is no need to deflect their gratitude or downgrade the advice. Simply say, “You’re welcome.”

When we mentor, people grant us the privilege of walking alongside them. We owe them a commitment to steadily hone our mentoring skills. Together, we emerge stronger.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

During his reign, Carson mentored rising comedians by delegating his desk. This provided them with an invaluable experience while exposing Carson to their talent.

Each year during his weeks-long vacation, Carson invited various guest hosts to helm the program, including Joan Rivers, Bob Newhart, Jerry Lewis, Garry Shandling, David Letterman, and Sammy Davis Jr.

When Carson retired in 1992, he confidently recommended Letterman to be his successor based on years of delegating his desk.

While NBC eventually chose Jay Leno, Carson continued to mentor Letterman, faxing him jokes for his monologues and offering him career guidance. When CBS approached Letterman with an opportunity to create a show to directly compete with Leno, Carson said, “Take it.”

To this day, Letterman attributes much of his career success to Carson’s profound influence. And, during his 33-year late-night legacy, Letterman continued the tradition of delegating the desk to various guest hosts, including Jimmy Fallon.

In 2022, late-night host Jimmy Kimmel started deploying guest hosts on his show, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, and Jimmy Fallon began using guest co-hosts on his show, The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.

Surprisingly, Letterman’s successor, Stephen Colbert, has not (yet!) invited guest hosts to lead The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.

When Colbert’s appendix ruptured last year, he chose to cancel his show for three weeks instead of delegating his desk.

Rumor has it that Colbert feared a replacement would steal his limelight, so he opted instead to show re-runs during his absence.

Delegation hesitation is pervasive. Often resulting from insecurity, Colbert and managers everywhere fear:

• They will lose importance or value.
• The outcome will suffer under someone else.
• They lack the bandwidth or ability to explain and train.

However, not sharing the stage is ultimately a missed opportunity.

When done with clarity and championship, delegation becomes a collaborative partnership and an opportunity for mentorship.

Most significantly, delegation serves as tangible succession planning, providing vital exposure and experiences to nurture talent.

Moreover, delegating unburdens the delegator to confidently take a vacation or recover from unforeseen illness, pursue other projects, and contribute strategically. Carson would not have lasted 30 years on stamina and re-runs.

Only when we stop being the star and start developing stars can we shift from manager to leader.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Origin stories are the cornerstone of mentoring, jammed with experiences, lessons learned, and wisdom articulated upon reflection.

Undeniably, I can be enraptured by a good memoir. While it’s easy to marvel at celebrities who seemingly launch to fame overnight, they, too, cradle an origin story. And it’s personal when they capture it in their memoir, inevitably mentoring us from afar with their messy, wisdom-rippled journeys.

Being in college when Kurt Cobain and Nirvana besotted my generation, I was eager to inhale Dave Grohl’s memoir, The Storyteller to discover how an unknown drummer catapulted to stardom.

In his book, Dave confesses that he taught himself to play the drums by pounding drumsticks into a pillow daily. Obsessed with music, Dave started a punk rock band with some friends in high school.

He especially loved the band Scream, having memorized every song. So, when Dave saw a flyer on a bulletin board that Scream needed a drummer, he didn’t hesitate to call. Impressed with Dave’s talent and repertoire, the band offered him the spot – the tour was starting immediately.

But Dave was only 17, a junior. He would have to drop out of school, risk his friendships, and disappoint his parents. And he admits he was afraid of failing.

His fear won. He turned down the offer, and Scream left on their tour without Dave.

Dave wrote, “I walked away from the opportunity because of fear, and I instantly regretted it.”

Two months later, when Scream returned to town, Dave attended their concert, beelined for the backstage, and begged for another chance. Hesitant but eager to work with Dave, they acquiesced and made him their drummer.

Dave promptly dropped out of school and resigned from his band. As he predicted, his friends were angry, his mom worried, and his dad enraged. But Dave was too busy quelling his fears to waffle.

Immensely talented, his reputation as Scream’s drummer quickly grew. And that’s how Kurt Cobain found Dave Grohl – captivated in concert. The next day, Kurt called Dave and invited him to join his nascent band named Nirvana.

This time, like stepping over a pile of fear on the floor, Dave did not hesitate.

“Don’t get too comfortable with who you are at any given time – you may miss the opportunity to become who you want to be.” – Jon Bon Jovi

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Historically, we’ve seen the opposite problem: too many mentees and insufficient mentors.

A recent study revealed that 94% of employees would stay with an organization longer if it offered mentoring.

So, then, why is there a dearth of mentees?

Introducing Gen Z

According to the Pew Research Center, people considered part of Generation Z (“Gen Zs”) were born between 1996 and 2012. Today, they are between 12 and 27 years old — our youngest employees in the workforce — ideal mentees.

As Jonathan Haidt highlights in his new, riveting book The Anxious Generation, two pivotal events occurred during Gen Z’s adolescence:

1. Launch of the iPhone
2. Proliferation of social media platforms

As Haidt explains, Gen Zs became the first generation whose social lives moved onto smartphones and social media. This resulted in a drastic shift from a play-based childhood to a phone-based childhood. 

According to Haidt, this shift robbed Gen Zs of essential growth and learning experiences. Isolated, they encountered a loss of shared stories, shared meanings, and human relationships.

In addition, Gen Zs experienced a “historical deprivation of freedom and unsupervised play” compared to previous generations. Why? Because their well-intentioned parents overprotected them from the real world and underprotected them from the new, virtual universe.

Ultimately, this digital intrusion has had an impact.

Surveys show that “Gen Zs are shyer, more risk averse, and less ambitious (due to risk aversion).”

Strategies to Mitigate the Digital Domination

Haidt advocates for:

• reinvigorating play and independence
• reimagining educational environments
• fostering real-world engagement
• bolstering resilience

Hello?! …Mentoring! 

But First, We Need to Reach this New Generation

While Haidt’s work helps explain the underlying factors shaping Gen Z’s psyche, we can’t engage them if we can’t reach them. 

Routinely mentoring program leaders invite participants using (1) mass emails promising career acceleration, and (2) general (often impersonal) announcements from leadership.

But these methods don’t kindle a generally shyer, risk-averse, and less outwardly ambitious population.

Solutions to Engage Gen Z in Mentoring

We need to create more personal communications and invitations that feel safer and are less assumptive about career trajectories while promising acceptance and belonging.

We also need to leverage their already trusting relationships to encourage the development of new trusting relationships.

• Look to managers, preceptors, and peers to personally encourage people to consider mentoring.
• Ask current participants to share stories about the difference their mentors have made.
• Decrease risks around participating (ex, nickname it a buddy program, set a time limit, give them an out).
• Deploy a structure with clear, uncomplicated expectations.
• Change the narrative from “drive your career success!” to “find a trusted champion.”
• Leverage group mentoring for smaller, safer environments.
• Incorporate in-person opportunities if possible.

Perspective and Empathy

While generational work always involves generalizations and hazards oversimplifying and categorizing people, it offers us greater perspective and empathy.

If we want to foster real-world engagement and resilience at work, mentoring is our superpower, but it only works if we effort to meet people where they are.

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.