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And I’m bracing myself for the inevitable…

Before the end, someone in the program will confess, “ugh. I’m sooo busy. I haven’t even connected with my Mentor!”

Of course, you’re busy! That’s how you got into the program. By successfully doing a lot of things – by being really great at your job.

But here’s the acute reality: there is nothing urgent about mentoring.

Mentoring is important, but it is not urgent. And that’s why we need to do it.

When we are committed to leading (a team, a project, or our careers), it’s imperative that we learn how to:

1. distinguish and serve the urgent (the issues, the emergencies)
2. while making time for the important (our goals, our ambitions).

It’s a critical yet overlooked leadership skill.

What is “important”?

• growing ourselves and others
• honing skills and creating new experiences
• discovering fresh approaches and perspectives
• collaborating, innovating, and improving
• recognizing, appreciating, and celebrating others
• connecting and building trusting relationships

By participating in a mentoring relationship, we have the opportunity to practice the art of intentionally advancing the important while effectively managing the urgent.

And if we can learn how to make time for the important-but-not-urgent, we’ll have an impact at work (and in life) well beyond our job titles. 

So, how can we advance the important while managing the urgent?

• Find something to be excited about (a heart-pumping goal)
• Master communications (listening, speaking, setting expectations)
• Tackle procrastination and eliminate time-zappers
• Trust, engage, and involve the people around us
• Be eager to learn and ready to evolve

Frankly, I don’t care if participants accomplish their goals in the mentoring program. I only care that they care.

When we are intentional with our time, our relationships, and our communications, we can commit to the important-but-not-urgent, navigate the urgent, and make a difference that ripples.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

But after taking Mr. Rogina’s captivating Business Law class during my junior year, I knew I would be an attorney.

Noticing my enthusiasm, Mr. Rogina encouraged me in class, invited me to join the moot court team, and cheered me on when I shared my plans to go to law school and move to Silicon Valley to practice business law.

Mr. Rogina has since retired from teaching, served two terms as the mayor of our town, and most recently launched a podcast with another former student, Pat Crimmins. Named “Justa Coupla Guys,” the podcast provides the forum to do what they love – banter with interesting people in the community.

When life brought me back to live in my hometown last year, Mr. Rogina and I reconnected. And then he invited me to be a guest on their podcast.

At first I hesitated, thinking, Me? Why? What do I have to share? How could I contribute to this collection of local celebrity interviews?

My initial reaction reminded me of the numerous people who have resisted over the years, “Me? Be a mentor? Already? What do I have to offer someone?”

I’m always stunned by this response. Most people don’t see what the rest of us see – their greatness, their potential to contribute!

When these tentative individuals ignore their inner critics and join the mentoring program, they invariably love the experience, make a difference, and strengthen their confidence.

And then I remembered… mentors always see mentees differently than mentees see themselves. Mentors have a different vantage point, aren’t burdened with the mentee’s self-doubt and uncertainty, and can see their blind spots.

And that’s what was happening to me.

So, I said “Yes” to Mr. Rogina’s invitation despite my inclination to remain always-a-listener-never-a-guest. We recorded the episode yesterday, and it was a delightful, rejuvenating experience! Reflecting on my adventures and triumphs during our podcast bantering reignited my appetite to create more adventure in my life.

And so, 35 years after mentoring me the first time, Mr. Rogina mentored me again!

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

I enjoy the peek into the lives of the famous, particularly their backstories, journeys, and insights.

But I also listen to podcast interviews to learn from the interviewer.

Good interviewers like Willie Geist are like eager mentees – curious, enthusiastic, non-judgmental, trusting, and aspiring.

Notably, Willie’s go-to interview questions contain terrific conversation starters to engage any mentoring partner:

• What was the plan? 
• Does that feel recent or a long time ago?
• What was that experience like?
• Where did your obsession come from?
• What’s it like to…? 
• Which move felt like your big break?
• Do you think that decision hurt your career at all?
• How much fun do you have with that?

Recently, Willie interviewed the prolific actor Jeff Goldblum about his blockbuster career. It was difficult not to like Jeff with his unassuming, authentic, good-natured personality.

And with that personality, Jeff did something that I haven’t heard other guests do – he turned the mic on Willie. He didn’t just wait for the next question or focus on his talking points. Instead, like a thoughtful mentor, Jeff wanted to include Willie in the exploration.

Willie asked Jeff about his journey to stardom, and Jeff responded with a story about growing up outside of Pittsburgh and moving to NYC at 17.

Then Jeff said to Willie, “How about you?” as if the interview was merely a prelude to a conversation.

Willie chuckled, a little surprised – guests don’t engage Willie in a reflection on his own experiences.

But Jeff was genuinely interested in bantering. So, like the consummate pro, Willie quickly switched interviewer-guest roles and shared his journey-to-the-stage story.

And in the end, the exchange inspired the mentor, the mentee, and the audience, leaving each a bit better.

Always be curious.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Informal and self-directed mentoring programs are like belonging to the library. Access to wisdom but no sense of urgency – the Library Effect.

The Library Effect threatens every learning opportunity we are offered.

Sally called me recently, frustrated by her sluggish mentoring program. When she launched her program, Sally granted her participants autonomy to create their individual mentoring journeys. Essentially, they can engage in mentoring whenever and however it works best for them. But now, despite the enormous interest in mentoring and a solid pool of mentors and mentees, very few people are connecting.

I said, “So I can join at any time? And connect with anyone?”

Sally proudly responded, “Yes!”

I said, “So it’s like going to the library. I can go whenever I want and learn anything, correct?”

She paused.

I continued, “Look. I love the library. I drive by it every day. But I don’t go. I don’t have any compelling reason to walk through the door. My library has nothing prompting me to show up, no sense of urgency. And no one cares whether I go or not.”

Sally was connecting the dots.

I said, “Now imagine an event scheduled at the library that I want to or agreed to attend. I would head to the library because I wouldn’t want to miss it. For instance, if my book club met weekly at the library, I would drive to the library each week on the date and time of the meeting. A clear structure and accountability would bolster my learning intentions.”

As program leaders, we can plan around the Library Effect. We can architect a framework that deliberately supports and drives participants’ desire to grow.

We all aspire to greatness, but as Colonel Tom Kolditz, head of the behavioral sciences division at Westpoint, observed, “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” And on the professional battlefield, the enemy consists of distractions and derailments, such as unexpected calls and requests, unpredictable meetings and technology.

Whether you are the program leader or a participant, adding structure and accountability to a learning opportunity like mentoring will help prioritize it in the face of the enemy.

When your intention meets structure and accountability, grab your library card!

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

“My husband has no problem calling people up and asking for advice. But I am not someone who speaks to strangers in the elevator. I’m a naturally shy person.

“I’d say, ‘Can I call you?’ and then I would. And I would say, ‘Have you ever dealt with this or that?’”

Jessica concluded that it’s all about being relentless!

While I am a fan, I disagree with Jessica. I can be relentless, but if I’m not intensely passionate about something, I don’t intentionally connect with and seek out help or advice from everyone I meet. Instead, I will enjoy the comfort of my comfort zone.

If I’m going to talk to strangers about a project, my heart needs to be pumping life into that project.

And when my heart is in, I’m all in! I will connect with strangers. I will ask for their advice. I will be relentless.

When I wrote my first book in 2007, I was obsessed [click to read Obsession Beats Talent]. I wrote every day before starting work. One morning I was boarding a plane, eager to work on my book uninterrupted. But I worried about the reclining power of the passenger in front of me. So, when she sat down, I shared my undertaking and offered her $20 not to move her seat back. She agreed but refused my money, excited to support my project.

And here’s the secret I discovered that day: I cared more about my goal than her judgment.

It was unabashed freedom.

One of the hardest things about running a mentoring program is not finding time or herding mentors. It’s getting people to identify a heart-pumping goal that will drive them to relentlessly connect and deliberately engage with someone they’ve just met.

Introvert. Extrovert. Omnivert. Ambivert. None of these hold us back from or propel us forward into connecting and collaborating with others.

It only matters whether our ambition is on a mission.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Jenna Rink: “Mom, do you have any regrets?”

Beverly Rink: “Well, Jenna, I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I don’t regret making any of them. Because if I hadn’t made them, I wouldn’t have learned how to make things right.” 

According to Dan Pink, author of The Power of Regret, regret makes us better. 

Reflecting on a situation, we compare what is to what might have been. Our desire to decrease this “if only!” feeling causes us to take responsibility for our choices – past and future.

Per Dan Pink, regret can:

1. Improve our going-forward decisions
2. Strengthen our perseverance
3. Bestow a more profound sense of meaning in our choice

But it comes from reflecting, not ruminating. Rumination doesn’t help us clarify and instruct. Reflection does.

Regret can activate us, but only if we see regret as an opportunity to shift that which we are ruminating about.

Fifteen years ago, I broke up with a close friend, Elaine. While planning her wedding, Elaine felt enormous stress and anxiety from her interloping family. Frustrated by my inability to stop them, I lectured Elaine repeatedly about standing up to her family. Instead of being her champion and sounding board, I judged and berated her. And I became another person Elaine had to manage, please, and ultimately avoid. 

Not surprisingly, we stopped talking after the wedding.  

At first, I ruminated, replaying our pre-wedding conversations in my head over and over again, deeply regretting my behavior. I failed as a friend.

When I finally reflected on my actions and accepted responsibility, I became determined to do better. I reconnected with Elaine and apologized for my lack of compassion and my relentless criticizing. Today, I am an intentional friend to Elaine. I practice kindness, exercise my listen-but-don’t-fix skills, and engage in criticism-free conversations.

Bottom line: embrace regrets, but only if you or your mentee are willing to do the work to grow. If not, then aim for no regrets.

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment,”
attributed to Will Rogers, Rita Mae Brown, and Mark Twain.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In one of my favorite scenes, Bo is ready to give up after his disappointing performance at a basketball showcase. But Stanley challenges him with tough love and mentoring:

“You have one bad day, and you’re ready to back down?

“Do you love this game? I mean, love it with your whole heart? If you don’t, let’s not even bother. 

“I love this game. I live this game. And there are 1,000 other guys waiting in the wings who are obsessed with this game. 

“Obsession is going to beat talent every time. You got all the talent in the world. But are you obsessed? Is it all you ever think about? Let’s face it. It’s you against you out there. Never back down.” 

Obsession beats talent!

Obsession has fueled every one of my adventures, experiences, and accomplishments. For example, the year I became obsessed with writing my first book, I worked on it every morning from 5:30-7:30 am for months, determined to have it published and displayed at Book Expo in NYC that summer. It consumed me! Like Stanley Sugerman, I loved it, and I lived it. Feeling unstoppable, I never backed down. [Click here to see my first book]

But when I’m not obsessed with anything, I can easily get derailed by my environment, overwhelmed with disparate goals, and defeated by insecurities.

So, how do we get obsessed with something?

We create it…

1. Creativity. Obsession is always born out of our dogged determination to create something new in our lives – an idea, a project, a product, a business, an experience, a skill, an improvement, an opportunity, a new job…

2. Clarity. Once we know what we’re creating, we can be clear and intentional about our time, activities, structure, plans, deadlines, routines, and habits.

3. Commitment. When we are obsessed, we commit, and when we commit, we persevere despite unforeseen circumstances, setbacks, and roadblocks.

4. Community. Our obsession is kindled when we recruit mentors, accountability partners, champions, and advocates to share the journey.

5. Courage. Inevitably our obsession will be challenged by doubters, naysayers, and critics. Courage fuels our tenacity.

Talent is respectable. Obsession is enviable.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In conversations, I often find myself listening for weakness and error. Secretly, I delight in finding flaws in other people’s assertions. And, as if I’m in a moot court competition, I launch in with a stronger argument to win the conversation!

But this approach doesn’t bode well for connecting and collaborating.

My interaction with Ashley taught me another approach. Ashley is a program leader evaluating her organization’s mentoring pilot to identify areas to improve before the program rollout. To that end, she interviewed me recently to ascertain my experience with this pilot.

Ashley then asked for my advice and ideas. With every suggestion I offered, Ashley asked clarifying questions until she understood my advice, and once she did, she responded genuinely with, “That makes sense.”

It was a refreshing exchange!

When Ashley communicated what I said made sense to her, she validated my contribution. But interestingly, I didn’t leave our conversation with any notion that she agreed with or accepted my ideas. Just that she acknowledged them.

Relationship guru Harville Hendrix teaches couples to use the phrase, “That makes sense,” because of its power to disarm and validate the other person while building trust.

“That makes sense” is like a bridge in the middle of a conversation.

It means I see your viewpoint, and I understand it. I’ve walked to the bridge, and I see what you see.

“That makes sense” is disarming because it conveys that I’ve surrendered my oral weapons, and I’m inviting you to meet me on that bridge.

That invitation builds and strengthens our trust.

If we are committed to engaging differently as mentors, mentees, and managers, we must challenge ourselves to reach that point in every conversation where we can sincerely say, “That makes sense.” However, this commitment requires we suspend any focus-to-fight mode and instead seek out another person’s point of view with earnest curiosity.

We don’t have to agree with that person’s view, adopt their ideas, or change our opinion.

We just have to strive to see what they see. And that makes sense.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.