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Jenna Rink: “Mom, do you have any regrets?”

Beverly Rink: “Well, Jenna, I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I don’t regret making any of them. Because if I hadn’t made them, I wouldn’t have learned how to make things right.” 

According to Dan Pink, author of The Power of Regret, regret makes us better. 

Reflecting on a situation, we compare what is to what might have been. Our desire to decrease this “if only!” feeling causes us to take responsibility for our choices – past and future.

Per Dan Pink, regret can:

1. Improve our going-forward decisions
2. Strengthen our perseverance
3. Bestow a more profound sense of meaning in our choice

But it comes from reflecting, not ruminating. Rumination doesn’t help us clarify and instruct. Reflection does.

Regret can activate us, but only if we see regret as an opportunity to shift that which we are ruminating about.

Fifteen years ago, I broke up with a close friend, Elaine. While planning her wedding, Elaine felt enormous stress and anxiety from her interloping family. Frustrated by my inability to stop them, I lectured Elaine repeatedly about standing up to her family. Instead of being her champion and sounding board, I judged and berated her. And I became another person Elaine had to manage, please, and ultimately avoid. 

Not surprisingly, we stopped talking after the wedding.  

At first, I ruminated, replaying our pre-wedding conversations in my head over and over again, deeply regretting my behavior. I failed as a friend.

When I finally reflected on my actions and accepted responsibility, I became determined to do better. I reconnected with Elaine and apologized for my lack of compassion and my relentless criticizing. Today, I am an intentional friend to Elaine. I practice kindness, exercise my listen-but-don’t-fix skills, and engage in criticism-free conversations.

Bottom line: embrace regrets, but only if you or your mentee are willing to do the work to grow. If not, then aim for no regrets.

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment,”
attributed to Will Rogers, Rita Mae Brown, and Mark Twain.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In one of my favorite scenes, Bo is ready to give up after his disappointing performance at a basketball showcase. But Stanley challenges him with tough love and mentoring:

“You have one bad day, and you’re ready to back down?

“Do you love this game? I mean, love it with your whole heart? If you don’t, let’s not even bother. 

“I love this game. I live this game. And there are 1,000 other guys waiting in the wings who are obsessed with this game. 

“Obsession is going to beat talent every time. You got all the talent in the world. But are you obsessed? Is it all you ever think about? Let’s face it. It’s you against you out there. Never back down.” 

Obsession beats talent!

Obsession has fueled every one of my adventures, experiences, and accomplishments. For example, the year I became obsessed with writing my first book, I worked on it every morning from 5:30-7:30 am for months, determined to have it published and displayed at Book Expo in NYC that summer. It consumed me! Like Stanley Sugerman, I loved it, and I lived it. Feeling unstoppable, I never backed down. [Click here to see my first book]

But when I’m not obsessed with anything, I can easily get derailed by my environment, overwhelmed with disparate goals, and defeated by insecurities.

So, how do we get obsessed with something?

We create it…

1. Creativity. Obsession is always born out of our dogged determination to create something new in our lives – an idea, a project, a product, a business, an experience, a skill, an improvement, an opportunity, a new job…

2. Clarity. Once we know what we’re creating, we can be clear and intentional about our time, activities, structure, plans, deadlines, routines, and habits.

3. Commitment. When we are obsessed, we commit, and when we commit, we persevere despite unforeseen circumstances, setbacks, and roadblocks.

4. Community. Our obsession is kindled when we recruit mentors, accountability partners, champions, and advocates to share the journey.

5. Courage. Inevitably our obsession will be challenged by doubters, naysayers, and critics. Courage fuels our tenacity.

Talent is respectable. Obsession is enviable.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In conversations, I often find myself listening for weakness and error. Secretly, I delight in finding flaws in other people’s assertions. And, as if I’m in a moot court competition, I launch in with a stronger argument to win the conversation!

But this approach doesn’t bode well for connecting and collaborating.

My interaction with Ashley taught me another approach. Ashley is a program leader evaluating her organization’s mentoring pilot to identify areas to improve before the program rollout. To that end, she interviewed me recently to ascertain my experience with this pilot.

Ashley then asked for my advice and ideas. With every suggestion I offered, Ashley asked clarifying questions until she understood my advice, and once she did, she responded genuinely with, “That makes sense.”

It was a refreshing exchange!

When Ashley communicated what I said made sense to her, she validated my contribution. But interestingly, I didn’t leave our conversation with any notion that she agreed with or accepted my ideas. Just that she acknowledged them.

Relationship guru Harville Hendrix teaches couples to use the phrase, “That makes sense,” because of its power to disarm and validate the other person while building trust.

“That makes sense” is like a bridge in the middle of a conversation.

It means I see your viewpoint, and I understand it. I’ve walked to the bridge, and I see what you see.

“That makes sense” is disarming because it conveys that I’ve surrendered my oral weapons, and I’m inviting you to meet me on that bridge.

That invitation builds and strengthens our trust.

If we are committed to engaging differently as mentors, mentees, and managers, we must challenge ourselves to reach that point in every conversation where we can sincerely say, “That makes sense.” However, this commitment requires we suspend any focus-to-fight mode and instead seek out another person’s point of view with earnest curiosity.

We don’t have to agree with that person’s view, adopt their ideas, or change our opinion.

We just have to strive to see what they see. And that makes sense.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

I get it! The days already feel clogged.

So, I recommended Synchronous Mentoring.

We can’t wait until we have time to do mentoring – our calendars abhor a vacuum, causing available slots to fill quickly! So, we must make time.

Consultant Alan Weiss says we need to shift from managing our time to managing our activities in the time we have. Bingo!

And that’s precisely what powers Synchronous Mentoring.

Fortunately, mentoring is not contingent upon the time we have. It’s contingent upon the conversations we create.

In my experience, people don’t enroll in mentoring because they are bored and looking for new activities or friends. They enroll because they are starving for wisdom. They crave fresh perspectives, thought partners, insights, validation, shared experiences, a sounding board, new ideas, advice, and encouragement.

And none of that takes enormous amounts of time. But it does take intentionality.

In Synchronous Mentoring, we mentor at the same time as we do another activity.

For example, when I walk my dogs, I am not on zoom calls or distracted by emails. And because I walk my dogs at about the same time every day, my mentees know when to connect with me. With Synchronous Mentoring, I make time to exchange advice, perspectives, and ideas by coupling one activity with another. 

Examples of Synchronous Mentoring:

• Mentoring while sharing a meal
• Mentoring while walking
• Mentoring while driving
• Mentoring while meeting to review project status
• Mentoring while delayed at the airport
• Mentoring while attending a company event together
• Mentoring while waiting for an appointment

Synchronous Mentoring often requires us to lean into a moment spontaneously. So, it behooves us to carry a list of mentoring questions to evolve any conversation and make the most of those moments.

Here are 5 go-to mentoring questions:

1. What went well?
2. What would you (could I) do differently next time?
3. What is your observation?
4. What insights do you have?
5. What am I missing?

Synchronous Mentoring is about the conversations we create for the moments we are in.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Grisham has written over 50 books, which have sold over 350 million copies worldwide. Unsurprisingly, he has developed a writing habit of 1,000 words a day.

Reflecting on his career, Grisham shared the following insight during his interview:

“When I start a book, I have a very good outline. You can waste a lot of time if you don’t know where you’re going. If you know where you’re going, it’s hard to get lost.”

Marvelous life advice! We aren’t so easily distracted or derailed when we know where we’re heading. 

Grisham continued, “One of my rules of writing: don’t write the first scene until you know the last scene. I know the last scene before I start. I always know where I’m going [with a story]. If you know the ending, you know what’s next. It’s hard to stare at the screen and not do anything; you [feel compelled] to get there.”

Applying Grisham’s advice doesn’t mean writing the last scene of your life; it means establishing the final scene of a goal. Understand how you want an adventure to end before allowing the trek to unfold. Identify the finish line.

Now let’s apply Grisham’s writing approach to mentoring. Some people go into mentoring without a specific goal, and they flounder.

Conversely, those who envision a goal’s completion will enthusiastically share that target with a mentor. And because the mentor agreed to guide, advise, and encourage, that clear destination gives purpose to their mentoring conversations. 

Determining how the voyage ends creates a sense of urgency to start the journey. Not someday. Now. An alluring conclusion sparks excitement to take action immediately.

Every juicy, audacious, jump-out-of-bed-early goal I’ve ever accomplished – from taking the bar exam to authoring a book to cycling across the country – had a clear destination… the last scene. And this drove me to deliberately connect, move, discover, and grow throughout each experience.

Know the last scene, and it will entice you down the entire path.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In an attempt to better understand the Great Resignation, author Marcus Buckingham and the ADP Research Institute interviewed 50,000 people in working populations around the world. They set out to determine what actually predicts retention, performance, and engagement.

Their conclusion? It has less to do with pay, colleagues, location, or even a belief in the mission and more to do with people’s love for the content of the work itself.

According to their research, people consider:

• Was I excited to work every day last week?
• Did I have a chance to use my strengths every day?
• Do I get a chance to do what I’m good at and something I love at work?

Accordingly, Buckingham argues that leaders must intentionally and intelligently strive to connect people’s activities with their strengths and what they love to do. Only then can they achieve higher engagement and lower turnover.

He recommends that leaders remember:

1. People are the point: People are the most critical stakeholders in the organization, above customers and shareholders.
2. One size fits one: Everyone is distinct in what enthuses them about work.
3. In trust we grow: Trust must be the foundation of all practices and policies.

While I appreciate the research and guidance directed at leaders, the conversation feels rather one-sided. It would be negligent if we didn’t also acknowledge that leaders cannot be solely responsible for ensuring that people enjoy their jobs.

We must consider: What role do people play in their quest for excitement, strengths-based assignments, and joy on the job?

Arguably leaders cannot help people realign unless people remember:

1. Customers are the reason: We have jobs because we have customers.
2. Leaders are not mind-readers: They need us to share our strengths, what we enjoy about our work, and where we feel confident and competent.
3. Trust takes two: We need to be trustworthy, and we need to trust back.

While leaders must endeavor to lead differently, people must endeavor to follow differently…  not by resigning but by reflecting and realigning. 

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

While it was interesting to learn more about this person, notice our commonalities, and store the book recommendation, it’s just data. 

To truly get to know someone and their journey, I need context and insight.

I’m drowning in information, but I’m parched for wisdom. 

When I read my friend’s get-to-know-me email, I found myself more curious about why those items were her favorites and what she had discovered, learned, perceived, or experienced in creating her list.

But pausing to identify insights takes time and intentionality. It’s easy to list a bunch of facts about ourselves in an email template. Conversely, it’s challenging to parse through the data, think critically about our experiences, and articulate our learnings.

I’m surmising this is why I gravitate to memoirs on Audible.

I love the hero’s journey, the overcoming of obstacles that evolves us as human beings. And I appreciate people who persevere, reflect, and then mentor us with their perspectives, especially famous people.

My favorite struggle-behind-the-success memoir authors include Michelle Obama, Katie Couric, Viola Davis, Marc Randolph (co-founder of Netflix), Dave Grohl (drummer of Nirvana), and Stephen King.

Memoirs demand that the authors think critically about their adventures and offer us their wisdom, not merely a catalog of their circumstances.

Actor Matthew McConaughey amplified this notion in my other favorite memoir, Greenlights.

McConaughey ended each chapter with a “Note to Self!” section in which he identified his insight from that period of his life. It was a playful pause to reflect and articulate his learning. 

In addition, it was like ear candy listening to McConaughey narrate his book. When he reached each “Note to Self!,” he deployed his infamous drawl coupled with his whimsical nature to emphasize each lesson theatrically. As if he couldn’t decide if he was mentoring us or reminding himself.

More insights. Less information.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Right arm! You put your right arm in. You put your right arm out. You put your right arm in, and you shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey, and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about!

The song then repeats, calling on other body parts (ex: left leg, right foot, left side, backside) and ending with the whole self!

Remembering this participation dance, I’ve noticed a similarity to how people participate in mentoring. There are:

1. Observers
2. Right Arms
3. Whole Selves

Observers
Observers sit on the side, watching everyone else have fun. 

They don’t participate in mentoring because they are too busy or don’t feel like they need it. 

Right Arms
Right Arms participate in mentoring but in a limited way. 

Right Arms attend the virtual kickoff but never turn on their cameras or participate in the chat. They have a mentoring partner, but they only sporadically meet because they’ve made little effort to get to know them personally. And they lack a compelling goal, so there’s no sense of urgency to connect. By the end of the program, they often regret missing the opportunity, especially when they hear about the Whole Selves’ great relationships and transformative successes.

Whole Selves
Whole Selves jump into the mentoring experience. 

They make contact immediately with their Mentor or Mentee. They show up with gripping goals and unbridled enthusiasm for the possibility of the partnership! They quickly look for ways to build trust, engage, and contribute. They take notes, send calendar invites, share resources, and make introductions. And they never leave one conversation without arranging the next one. Inevitably through the process, the Mentee and Mentor grow. 

The Right Arm Predicament
Right Arms are in a quandary. Unlike Observers, they do show up, but unlike Whole Selves, they aren’t leaning into the program or the relationship as they had committed to. So they feel obliged to justify their inaction. Eventually, they rattle off a litany of excuses and point to their overwhelming circumstances.

But Right Arms Can Dance 
Right Arms can put their Whole Self in at any moment… by exchanging excuses for insights. 

When Right Arms pause to reflect on their lackluster participation in mentoring, they can identify valuable insights and learnings. And by sharing — at any point in the relationship – – what went well and what they will do differently going forward, Right Arms can deliberately move their Whole Self into the dance.

That’s how you do the Hokey Pokey in mentoring and in life! 

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.