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To be successful and make it to the next round, Bachelorettes need to connect quickly with the Bachelor.

But some Bachelorettes wait expectantly for a connection to happen, surprised and heartbroken when the Bachelor inevitably muses, “My relationships with others have grown faster.”

Similarly, mentoring “contestants” must connect quickly with their new mentoring partners to successfully accomplish identified goals within the program’s timeframe.

Unfortunately, when participants expect but don’t feel an immediate connection, they often withdraw from the program, explaining, “I just didn’t click with my mentoring partner!”

But “click” doesn’t miraculously emerge. “Click” is created.

Here’s the secret and the science:

According to research, 40% of what people say involves their subjective experiences – how they think and feel about a situation. That means that almost half of what people share in a conversation has no impact on the outcome.

The same study also revealed that talking about themselves gives people the sensation and satisfaction they feel from food, money, and sex.

So, turn on the spotlight, hand over the mic, and invite people to gab! 

But how? With a series of three questions…

The Click Framework:

1. informational question
2. historical question
3. experiential question

Example Script:

1. Informational (banter effortlessly)

• What do you do?
• I work in a cancer research lab.
• Interesting! 

2. Historical (marvel at their journey)

• How did you get into that career?
• My dad worked in the lab and brought me with him on weekends when I was growing up.
• He must be proud!

3. Experiential (play Willie Geist, interviewer)

• How is that experience of sharing a career with your dad?
• What is it like working in the lab on such important research?

While the Click Framework prompts the other person to talk, it also forces us to listen actively, suspending our desire to grab the mic.

By deploying the three-question formula, we demonstrate our commitment to connect, fuel our curiosity, engage our new learning partner, and create the coveted click!

Most significantly, we create an intentional conversation that elevates the importance of our new partner and whatever they choose to share.

“… people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Unlike my other dogs, who joined our family as puppies, Ollie comes to us burdened by her previous experiences with humans. Unfortunately, these scars are impacting her experience with us.

She’s vigilantly watching to determine if her new environment is safe or dangerous. Whenever I move quickly in the house, drop something accidentally, or laugh too loudly, she startles, cowers cautiously, and paces.

And I can’t help but wonder what happened to her to cause such fear.

Ollie doesn’t entirely trust us yet. But we are slowly earning it through our consistent and caring actions.

In the meantime, we are paying for the sins of her prior owner.

Similarly, when someone joins a team, we pay for the sins of their prior boss. If their previous boss regularly controlled, berated, embarrassed, judged, criticized, or ignored them, they will expect that we – the new boss – will behave similarly. And their guard will be up.

Like my rescued dog Ollie, they are projecting onto us their not-so-kind experiences with other humans. (This “psychological projection” might explain one survey which revealed that 58% of people trust strangers more than their boss.)

If we want to earn their trust, we must demonstrate our trustworthiness. We can start with mentoring questions:

• Tell me about your last boss – what worked well?
• What didn’t? What would you like me to do differently?
• What can I do to support your success each day/week?
• Where are you headed next in your career? What do you aspire to do after this role?
• What can I do to help prepare you for that?

Questions communicate our curiosity; actions based on that conversation demonstrate our commitment.

Why is trust imperative? Just as I can’t help Ollie if I can’t get close to her, we can’t help our team members or mentees if we can’t get close to them. And without a foundation of trust, they certainly don’t care if they help us.

We pay for the sins of prior bosses with an unshakable commitment to trust. Auspiciously, that makes us better leaders, mentors, and human beings.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

But unceremonious advice, perspectives, or ideas can spark our courage if we stay open and pay attention.

John Krasinski

John Krasinski was first known for his role on the hit sitcom The Office and lately as the star of the Amazon series Jack Ryan.

It was a conversation with a trusted friend that gave John the courage to move from acting to directing. 

John shared the story during a recent interview:

I wanted to but never thought I’d have the confidence to direct. I was sitting at a burrito place in LA with [a colleague from The Office, actor] Rainn Wilson.

He saw I was perplexed and said, “What’s going on?”

I said, “I’m trying to get someone to direct this movie I wrote.”

Rainn said, “Why don’t you do it?”

I froze.

He reiterated, “You should just do it.”

He encouraged me to direct it. Then people at The Office heard I was going to direct a film. So, they said, “Why don’t you direct a few episodes to get your feet wet?”

The Office was my entire film school.

In 2009 John made his directorial debut with the film Brief Interviews with Hideous Men and has since written, directed, and produced other films, including A Quiet Place.

Informal Mentoring

Informal mentoring exists because of in-the-moment, situation-driven, organic conversations. Unlike formal mentoring, informal mentoring:

• doesn’t focus on a specific goal
• doesn’t follow a prescribed structure
• doesn’t require training
• doesn’t instruct participants to get acquainted… wait! why?

Because informal mentoring occurs only on a foundation of already established trust.

Informal mentoring transpires when an interaction shifts from exchanging pleasantries and information to:

• sharing insights
• validating experiences or feelings
• encouraging big thinking and bold moves
• making connections
• providing resources
• offering advice, perspectives, or ideas

Predictably, informal mentoring suffocates among strangers!

When we meet someone who is all conviction and no curiosity, uninterested in exchanging insights and ideas, remember that we don’t have a foundation of trust yet! We are still strangers. 

Understandably, this future friend is merely protecting themself from seemingly judgmental advice.

If we want our casual conversations and daily interactions to have more impact, we must first invest in trusting relationships.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

And in response, many mentees cringe, wince, scowl, and occasionally glare.

Why? How did “goal” become a 4-letter word?

1. Setting goals is confronting, a reminder that we are responsible for creating our path forward.

2. A goal can feel like another project.  

3. Goals often emphasize what’s wrong instead of amplifying what’s right.

4. We tend to want to change that which we cannot.

Katy Milkman, author of How to Change, distinguishes:

• Hard Goals: attempting to change circumstances outside our control, like weather, time, people, traffic, and politics.
• Smarter Goals: augmenting our strengths, skills, capabilities, emotional acumen, and experiences.

5. We neglect our emotional connection to change.

When asked to set a goal, people instinctively focus on what they lack (ex: a title, a raise, a degree, a skill, an accomplishment, a network).

At the same time, they’re typically content with their lacking – they’ve learned to live with the insufficiency for now, forfeiting any urgency to change.

Fueled by Feelings
Instead, focus on how you want to feel (ex: confident, competent, strategic, connected, triumph, healthier, engaged, calm, joyful).

This emotional connection fuels change… your ambition is on a mission.

Finding Emotional Fuel
Non-fiction authors use the following formula to architect the framework for a compelling book:

1. What do people struggle with?
2. What will it take for them to stop being frustrated? 
3. How do they want to feel?
4. What questions will they have that I can answer in this book?
5. Why is this so important to them?

Apply this same formula to identify your emotionally-fueled goal:

1. What do I struggle with / what frustrates me?
2. What will it take for me to stop being frustrated? 
3. What do I want to be different? How do I want to feel?
4. What questions will I have going from point A to point B? (Save these for your mentor)
5. Why is this so important to me? 

And when it’s significant to you, it becomes significant to your mentor.

Goals are imperative. But your ambition on a mission is riveting.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

But then Quan struggled to find work as an actor. So, he moved behind the camera, choreographing stunts and assisting directors. But he never relinquished his dream.

After a 20-year hiatus from acting, he was inspired to hire a new talent agent in January 2020 and two weeks later auditioned for the movie Everything Everywhere All at Once. Last weekend, Quan won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.

During a tear-strewn acceptance speech, Quan effused, “Dreams are something you must believe in. I almost gave up on mine. Don’t give up on your dreams! I owe everything to my wife Echo, who month after month said to me, ‘Your time will come.’”

While Quan stopped acting, he never quit.

Stop vs. Quit

• We stop to cease an activity. We quit to abandon a commitment.
• We stop to regroup, reflect, and redirect our efforts. We quit to retire the effort.
• We stop to begin again, more intelligently. We quit when we’re done trying.
• We stop to preserve our aspirations, intention, or goal. We quit to forfeit the goal.
• We stop to pivot for the unexpected. We quit because of the unexpected.
• Stopping is a pause. Quitting is permanent.

Before my epic cross-country bike ride, I suffered a knee injury that forced me to stop cycling and heal. I was immensely frustrated, but the experience fortified my determination to pedal again. The following year, I completed the adventure.

More recently, I stopped writing my fifth book after receiving numerous rejections from book agents. But, while disenchanted, I haven’t quit. Instead, I’ve paused to absorb their feedback and strengthen my idea. Then, I’ll pivot and pursue the ambition from another angle.

Mentees! When you feel deflated, look to your Mentors to validate your experience and help you discern if it’s time to quit or merely stop.  

Just because you stop doesn’t mean you quit (unless you want to).

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

“People come on my show to sell something. I know how much effort goes into [that thing]. For example, they do a movie that takes four months to shoot and two months to sell. So, I’m rooting for them.”

Why does Fallon root for his guests?

• It strengthens his relationships with them.
• It boosts their confidence – and his.
• It’s humanity in action.

Let’s dissect this simple but powerful way we champion others.

“I’m rooting for you!” doesn’t mean we want or need the person to win. Instead, it communicates that we are in the proverbial stands, cheering them on, bearing witness to their performance.

Rooting leaves the outcome open, eliminating the pressure of perfection and forgiving any failures.

So, what sparks our desire to root for others? We are inclined to cheer for people who:

• take initiative and action
• are determined and tenacious
• follow their beliefs with conviction
• are resilient, undeterred by obstacles and setbacks

Interestingly, we don’t care if they demonstrate confidence, clarity, or even a plan. Instead, we prefer those in discovery, insatiably seeking advice, insights, and ideas. 

We look for people who act not with arrogance but with intention, moving forward in the face of fear.

But there’s a secret to rooting for people: we must surrender our judgment.

Why? Because it’s impossible to root for someone and simultaneously judge their journey. Our opinion about their project, passion, or path is irrelevant if we are committed to cheering.

This impartiality underpins mentoring, making it a profoundly generous way to root for others.

Mentors:

• listen and encourage: You’ve got this!
• guide and advise: How can I help?
• connect and contribute: I have an idea!

And they do so no matter the outcome.

My niece is swimming in the state championships this weekend. I called to wish her luck, which suddenly felt silly. She doesn’t need luck – she’s been preparing for years. So, I quickly corrected myself, “I won’t be there, but I’m rooting for you!” She beamed because she knows I’m one of her biggest fans, in spite of, not because of, her success.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Oooh… that intrigued me at 6 am!

Ordinarily, I presume external factors cause joy. For example, “This person/place/thing brings me joy!”

But that means I am constantly at the mercy of outside forces, waiting for someone or something to generate my feelings of happiness, delight, appreciation, and exceptional satisfaction.

What if I generated the feeling of joy? What if I intentionally chose to create happiness, regardless of people, places, and things?

I decided to experiment with that notion throughout the day.

When I walked into the gym that morning, I was distracted, concerned about a text message I had just received – a situation I could not control.

When a friend asked me if I was OK, I paused, about to drama share.

And then I remembered the invitation to “choose joy!” 

What would that entail? Pretend everything is fine? Ignore reality? Fake it until I feel it?

No, I discovered it’s simpler than that. Choosing joy involves focusing on, creating, and appreciating the moment we are in. Not allowing our experience to be dictated or derailed by circumstances outside our control.

So, I expressed to my friend genuinely, “I’m happy I made it!” And I proceeded to enjoy my workout.

It felt like a commercial break during a television drama.

Of course, the drama had not dissolved – I had merely paused it. As soon as I left the gym, my phone flooded with text messages.

Later, when I attended a Zoom meeting, I chose joy. Again, I halted my upset and concern by focusing on my clients and the conversation, intentionally creating the interaction and productively moving the project forward.

With each connection, phone call, and meeting, I deployed “choose joy!” I even chose joy after I caused a spectacular error… I resolved to learn something and laugh about it instead of fixate and self-flagellate.

By choosing joy all day, I created my experience. I controlled what I could control – my attitude, my responses, and my engagement.

When one of my clients suggested, “You are probably super busy, so I won’t take much of your time.” I responded deliberately, “This is the most important conversation I am having right now.” She smiled gratefully.

While I cannot control people, places, and things, I can influence them with my joy. But only if I choose joy first.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In a recent interview about her Golden Globe-winning role in the movie, Everything Everywhere All at Once, Jamie Lee Curtis revealed her strategy for getting more on-screen time in movies.

“Don’t go back to your trailer. It is not your friend.”

When she filmed the 2019 movie Knives Out, director Rian Johnson called Curtis his MVP because she never left the set.

As a result, the director incorporated her into more scenes and shots than he had originally planned. She landed more opportunities to be in the film because she never retreated to her trailer.

Curtis calls this her “secret sauce.”

But why does it work? Trust.

We trust people we see, know, and share experiences with. We trust people who consistently show up. We trust people who support our projects and ideas. We want to engage with people who want to engage with us.

Curtis doesn’t just arrive when she needs to perform. She takes the initiative to engage and engross in her environment.

By not leaving the set, she builds and strengthens personal connections, gains valuable context, contributes fresh ideas, and supports the film’s success.

Similarly, mentees report extraordinary mentoring relationships when they immerse themselves in the experience:

• meeting in person or by video
• shadowing their mentor in meetings, rounds, or calls
• inviting their mentor to observe them in action
• reaching out regularly to request advice and ideas
• providing progress updates
• attending events or conferences together
• asking how they can contribute to their mentor

Of course, sending an email and waiting for a mentor to respond is easier. Of course, sitting in the trailer until a director calls for you to read the script is easier.

But if we value an opportunity or a connection, we must be willing to demonstrate it unconventionally, unexpectedly, and unabashedly.

So, get “on set!” Turn on the Zoom camera! Drive to an event! Meet in person! Go into the office! Jump on a plane! Attend a conference! Spark conversations! Invite ideas! Shadow! Marvel! Speak! Listen! Contribute! Linger! Absorb! Mentor! Delight!

Opportunities favor the involved.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.