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According to the author, we respond in conversation with either:

1. Support Responses: We support the other person by focusing on them.
2. Shift Responses: We shift the attention back to us.

How?

1. Support Responses: We respond with supportive comments or follow-up questions to learn more.
2. Shift Responses: We respond with remarks or stories about us.

For example:

• Person 1: I’m so mad at Bob.
• Support Response: Why? What happened? 
• Shift Response: Me too! Bob ignores the agenda in our meetings!

Derber calls this attention-shifting “conversational narcissism,” and others have argued that it’s emotionally unintelligent to steer the conversation toward ourselves.

But that seems harsh. The Shift Response can serve many purposes:

• identify commonalities with another to build trust
• boost our confidence through story-telling
• mentor others by articulating our lessons learned

In mentoring, if we only make encouraging comments and ask probing questions, then we shortchange our mentees of the advice, perspectives, and ideas they seek!

What to do? A conversational dance: support, shift, support, shift

Use question marks to create curiosity before grabbing the mic to make a difference!

1. Support Responses Strengthen: Use encouraging comments and questions to strengthen the mentee’s confidence and problem-solving skills while ensuring your advice is valuable.

2. Shift Responses Stockpile: Share pithy stories and sage wisdom to help mentees stockpile the advice and ideas they need now and in the future to approach situations and tackle problems differently.

Here’s how the Conversational Dance works:

• Mentee: Should I go back to school and get another degree?
  • Support Responses: Interesting! What are you thinking of studying? How would that help your career goals? Is there an opportunity cost in pursuing it?
• Mentee: I can only apply to leadership roles with a new degree.
  • Support Response: Sounds like getting another degree will make you more marketable!
  • Shift Response: I went back to school and it made me a better leader. It was hard but worth it! Here’s what I wish I had known…
  • Support Response: Does any of that resonate with you?

Question marks strengthen a mentee’s ability to reflect, think critically, consider options, and solve problems. In addition, question marks improve our advice, making us more effective mentors.

Question marks before periods. 

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In his new documentary, Still, Michael reveals his experiences learning to live with this incurable disease. As his disease has progressed, Michael’s worsened condition makes even walking a challenge.

An early scene in the documentary shows him on a sidewalk in New York City with his aide. When a pedestrian wishes him, “Good morning, Mr. Fox!” he responds, “Hello,” then stumbles and falls.

Immediately, he says to himself, “And that happened.” He then jokingly proclaims to the pedestrian, “Look at that! I fell for you!”

Instead of expressing disgust, frustration, or embarrassment, Michael’s emotionally intelligent response cued him to keep perspective and persevere.

The challenge with emotional intelligence is that we are rarely intelligent when we feel emotional.

Coined by author Daniel Goleman, an “amygdala hijack” occurs when our brain’s emotion-producing amygdala gets activated by a potential threat, and we react emotionally, even irrationally.

In the grip of an amygdala hijack, our rational brain has no time to assess a situation and choose an appropriate response.

Instead, our immediate, overwhelming reaction often causes an altercation… unless the other person stops their amygdala from being hijacked.

How can we thwart an amygdala hijack? By self-regulating our emotions with rules.  

1. Self-Assess: notice what situations feel threatening
2. Create a Rule: create a rule for that situation

We all self-regulate with rules. For example, most of us operate with this rule: “When someone is uncivil or offensive, don’t punch them in the face.”

Without rules, we are at the mercy of our emotions and the inevitable mess those emotions create.

Here are some rules I have adopted (with age and wisdom):

• When someone tailgates me, move to the right, and let them pass.
• When someone rudely talks over me, stop talking (and don’t roll my eyes).
• When someone is negative, use “yes, and” (instead of “yes, but”).
• When someone sends me a disrespectful email or text, don’t immediately respond.

By referring to a rule instead of an emotion, I can de-escalate any threat my amygdala perceives and respond thoughtfully.

And now I have a new rule: Whenever I misstep (literally or figuratively), say, ‘And that happened,’ and keep moving.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

That means we spend only 5% of our day not in emotional despair or ruminating. How can we possibly put our ambition on a mission if we allow the conversations between our ears to derail us?

We can shift our thoughts from self-talk to mentor-talk.

Here’s how…

When faced with a problem, our inner monologue typically includes the word “I.” For example, “I don’t know what to say.” “How am I going to reinvent my career?” “How will I ever fix this mess?”

Based on research, Dr. Noam Shpancer, a professor at Otterbein University, advocates for “distanced self-talk” to separate from our negative emotional reactions – all that distressing and brooding.

With this technique, we replace “I” with “you.” For example, “Ann, what are you going to say?” “Ann, how could you reinvent your career?” “Ann, how will you fix this mess?”

It’s a simple but powerful shift with profound implications.

When our self-talk leads with “I,” we reinforce the notion that we are alone battling insurmountable problems. Understandably, we will feel heightened misery, anger, or sadness!

But when our mentor-talk leads with “you,” we step back from the intensity of our emotions, allowing our analytical mind the space to identify a solution.

And by detaching,

• we abate our anger
• alleviate our aggressive behavior
• restore our calm
• resurrect our big-picture perspective
• refresh our empathy

All of which clears the way to cooperate with others in stressful situations.

By shifting from self-talk to mentor-talk, we can create actionable solutions, like a Mentor would embolden us to do.

And then we discover that we cannot be stuck and in action simultaneously. 

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Analyzing decades of data, Putnam revealed that our need to interact with others has plummeted since 1950.

For illustrative purposes, he noted that while the number of Americans who bowl has increased, participation in bowling leagues has decreased.

People are bowling alone.

And because they are bowling alone, they lack the social connections and discussions that occur in a league environment.

Drawing on thousands of surveys, Putnam highlighted additional societal trends indicating an unraveling of the fabric of our communities: we belong to fewer organizations, we sign fewer petitions, we know fewer neighbors, we meet with friends less frequently, and we engage in fewer community projects.

He named this phenomenon “Bowling Alone” – our disengagement from community involvement.

The cause?

Putnam primarily blames technology – television, computers, and the internet. Technology individualizes our experience at work and at home. We don’t need each other to do our work and enjoy our personal time.

So what? Arguably we’re more efficient and effective today than in 1950!

Except that “bowling alone” comes with costs:

• Lack of belonging (making it easier to leave a job or a community)
• Loneliness and disconnection
• Diminished compassion for others
• Failure to collaborate and solve problems together
• Inability to cope in stressful situations (resulting in road rage and work rage)
• Stress, anxiety, depression
• Greater risk of health problems (ex: cardiovascular disease or dementia)

Inevitably, “bowling alone” disrupts the workplace.

Specifically, people in transition tend to individualize their experience – new to an organization, new to a team, new to a role, new to responsibilities, or new to leadership.

At these inflection points, people readily disconnect, disengage, and detach. And it’s here that we must formalize and normalize connection. In other words, let’s assign these people to bowling leagues to thwart their propensity to bowl alone!

Whether it’s a designated buddy, champion, learning partner, peer navigator, advisor, or mentor, we can help people create mentoring partnerships as they traverse changes to their confidence, competence, and careers.

(In an effort to decrease the rising suicide rate in 2009, the US Army started assigning every new recruit a Battle Buddy in basic training to prevent soldiers from “battling alone.” Battle Buddies validate experiences, assess stressors, and find solutions… together.)

Mustering mentoring partnerships can save people and, ultimately, your community!

By institutionalizing “better together,” we can disrupt the disruption caused by “bowling alone.”

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In a recent interview with Guy Roz on the podcast “The Great Creators,” Audra reflected on her achievements. 

Guy suggested, “It strikes me that you’re not chasing recognition or ambition. You’re chasing craft.”

Audra enthusiastically agreed. “Yes! I’ve had recognition. And I see what’s on the other side of that:

• I won a Tony award, went home, and my sock drawer was still a mess.
• I won a Tony award again, and I’m still a bad cook.
• I won a Tony award, and I still have cellulite.”

She continued, “I can want those awards, and it’s wonderful to have them, but I’m still going to be with me at the end of the day. That Tony Award is not going to change me.”

Audra mused, “What is going to change me? Constant evolution.
Am I…

• being a better actor today than I was yesterday?
• being a better mother?
• being a better citizen of the county and the world?
• loving more?
• advocating for the right things?

“That’s what’s going to matter in the end.”

Better-than-Average Effect
Social psychology employs the “Better-than-Average Effect” (BTAE) to describe our tendency to overestimate our abilities and perceive that we are better than our average peer.

For example, 93% of people think their driving skills are better than average, which is statistically impossible.

BTAE is driven by overconfidence and a failure in self-awareness. There is neither room nor reason to improve.

Lured by BTAE, we are compelled to compare ourselves to others. Whereas Audra compares herself today to herself yesterday. 

In so doing, she stays focused on improving her performances at work, at home, and in the world. This is chasing her craft.

And that’s the secret to growing and evolving – a simple reflection: “Did you perform better in this meeting, conversation, project, or presentation than in the last one? And if not, what will you change in the next one?”

Chasing recognition hardens our better-than-average convictions. But chasing the craft fuels our aspirations.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In an early episode, Rupert, the team’s derisive former owner, challenges Ted to a dart game. Assuming Ted doesn’t play darts, Rupert wages a substantial bet on the game, confident he can embarrass Ted.

As Ted is aiming his dart, he shares, “You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life. It used to really bother me until I saw this quote by Walt Whitman painted on a wall. It said, ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ 

“And it hit me. All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them was curious. They thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything and everyone. And if they were only curious, they would’ve asked me questions like, ‘Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?’ To which I would’ve answered, ‘Yes, sir, every afternoon at a sports bar with my father from age ten till I was 16.’” 

And with that, Ted throws the final dart into the bullseye and wins the game, gifting the show its subtle yet obvious theme: be curious, not judgmental.

With each episode, the writers dare us to judge characters by their titles, looks, or actions. And then, they challenge our judgment by revealing backstories or evolving those characters.

We are judgmental – we evaluate, assess, and gauge everything positively or negatively – every situation, every interaction, every conversation, and every person.

We are hardwired to judge – it’s our brain managing and processing the constant influx of information.

But we tend to judge irresponsibly.

We judge without discernment, based merely on one experience or interaction. We then allow that judgment to go unquestioned, relying on and referencing it like the truth – a failure in curiosity.

We can do better.

5 steps to be responsibly judgmental:

1. Notice judgment – positive and negative

2. Reflect on your judgment – where/how did it originate? Is it promoting, protecting, or preventing?

3. Wonder, “What am I missing about this person or this situation? What is the backstory?”

4. Consider, “How might this person or situation evolve?”

5. Admire some aspect to mitigate any intensity and regain perspective, “I do appreciate their confidence / passion / conviction / courage / commitment.”

As long as we are judging, let’s be deliberate! Our story is still developing…

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

An ugly trend of hostility directed at umpires has recently caused many volunteers to quit.

The Little League officials in Deptford Township, New Jersey, felt compelled to act.

But instead of penalizing a parent, they devised an unconventional solution to decrease the animosity and increase the empathy for umpires: make the parent umpire a game.

Insubordinate parents will walk in the umpire’s proverbial shoes – “shoe-shifting.”

According to the town’s new Little League rule, if a parent or spectator fights with an umpire, they must volunteer to officiate for at least three upcoming games.

“You’re not allowed to come onto our complex until you complete three umpire assignments. Once you do that, we’ll let you return,” explained Deptford Township Little League President Don Bozzuffi.

When parents discover what it’s like to be an umpire, they will be more inclined to shift their behavior back in the stands.

Many leaders are similarly expanding their perspective through shoe-shifting experiences:

• Uber CEO, Dara Khosrowshahi, completed 100 rides and deliveries as an undercover Uber driver to understand and address the issues with their driver’s app.
• Committed to staying connected with the company’s culture, customers, and employees, the new CEO of Starbucks, Laxman Narasimhan, earned a barista certification and announced his plan to work as a barista a half day per month.
• Hyatt Hotel Corporation launched “Hyatt in Touch Day” in 1989, a yearly ritual in which they dispatch corporate employees to Hyatt hotels around the country to join the staff and work the hotel.
• CEO of 7-Eleven, Joe DePinto, went undercover as a store clerk for a week to discover the people who serve the customers. Through this adventure, he uncovered many opportunities to improve the stores and invest in employees.

What is the benefit of shoe-shifting? Empathic intelligence – a way of understanding how others experience the world.

Observing a situation from another’s perspective is immeasurably valuable, allowing us to relate better, validate their experience, and glean insights.

Ultimately, shoe-shifting strengthens our compassion and makes us better human beings.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

The next day the Packers beat the Steelers 31-25. But Coach McCarthy wasn’t being presumptuous or predicting the win. He was merely influencing it.

Linebacker A.J. Hawk reflected on the experience, “It made things real for us.”

Of course, it did! By fitting his team for championship rings, Coach McCarthy communicated his belief in his players – he deemed them “ready to win the big game.”

And because the Packers respected and admired their coach, they were influenced by his labeling – they internalized the “champion” label and acted accordingly.

Green Bay Packers guard Daryn Colledge said of the ring-fitting exercise, “It just set that mental mindset that we’ve got to go out there, and we’ve got something to accomplish.”

Coach McCarthy was leveraging the Pygmalion effect, in which high expectations lead to improved performance. 

According to this psychological phenomenon, when we brand people with a positive label, they will embrace that label and then mirror the expectations we have for them (assuming they respect and admire us). They literally take on the characteristics of that brand or the label.

The Packers emulated Coach McCarthy’s expectations of them with their Super-Bowl-winning actions.

Similarly, as a mentor, we are uniquely positioned to influence our mentee using labels. Once we have established a foundation of trust and respect, we can strategically leverage a label such as “leader,” “specialist,” or “innovator.” We can then demonstrate our belief in this elevated view of our mentee through opportunities, connections, and sponsorships.

And as our mentee acts out the aspiring label, it becomes self-perpetuating – soon they reinforce and reaffirm that label with their behaviors, decisions, actions, and success.

Unsurprisingly, “improved confidence” is among the most touted results mentees share at the conclusion of their mentoring programs.

All because their mentors treat them not as they are but as they could become.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.