All Posts by Ann Tardy

In the past 18 months, I lost three long-term team members. One died unexpectedly of a heart attack, and two left for different careers.

Each loss was deflating… why did this happen to me?

As I transitioned unknowingly through Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief (shock and denial, anger, despair, possibility, and acceptance), here’s what I discovered:

Change doesn’t just happen to us; Change happens for us.

Admittedly, I had become inattentive with my team, because everyone masterfully owned their own lane. The problem? No one entered anyone else’s lane.

I had failed to cross-functionally train myself and others. So when I lost these key people, chaos and uncertainty ensued.

Eventually I took responsibility:

I learned everyone’s job – I got into each lane!

I then eliminated the lanes – now, no one owns just one area

We started documenting all of our processes in job aides, quick guides, and videos

I launched a cross-training initiative, replete with shadowing and mentoring

And then I reinvented our structure: everyone on the team will know how to do any role to support a client and each other at any time.

The result? More connection, collaboration, and confidence within my team!

When change happens to us:

• We become victims
• We are at the mercy of circumstances
• We feel disempowered
• We get stuck, longing for how it used to be

When we allow change to happen for us:

• We can reinvent
• We learn and discover
• We feel empowered
• We aren’t stuck; we’re growing

People say they hate change. Perhaps we just need to embrace the opportunities that change offers us.

As John Lennon said, “Everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.”

When I exited the Baltimore train station, I requested an Uber. In less than a minute, Aaron my Uber driver arrived.

Me: “Wow! That was fast!”
Aaron: “I think like a Rider.”
Me: “Huh?”
Aaron: “If I want to be successful, I have to think like a Rider. I think about where my Riders will be and when they will be there. And that’s where I go: train stations, the airport, festivals on the weekend, and at night, the bars and casinos. I live in the country – nobody needs an Uber out there. And I can’t expect Riders to be where I am.”

Astutely Aaron considers what Riders care most about to determine his own actions. Riders want him to arrive quickly, know where he’s going, and get them there safely.

“Think like a Rider” is a powerful mantra for serving the success of others in any capacity:

• Think like a customer
• Think like a patient
• Think like your end user
• Think like an audience member
• Think like your boss
• Think like your employee
• Think like your mentee

When we “think like a Rider,” we take actions based on our specific Rider’s needs and perspectives. For example, we “think like a Rider” when we simply communicate in another person’s time zone when it’s different than our own.

Questions are the gateway to thinking like a Rider:

• What is most important to them?
• Where are they coming from and where are they going?
• What incentivizes them?
• What might be distracting them?
• What information do they require and in what format?
• What do they need to be successful and how can I contribute?

Aaron revealed at one point, “I wish the technology folks at Uber would think more like a driver.”

Secretly we all crave experiences where someone else considers us first…

Every morning my dogs wake me at 5:00am by licking my face energetically. We then walk one mile before the chaos of the day begins. To me, it’s joyful.

But does joy matter to our success?

According to Professor Barbara Fredrickson, a leading positive psychology scholar and researcher, it does.

Her Broaden and Build Theory argues that experiencing positive emotions (joy, interest, contentment, pride, and love):

• Broadens our perspective, allowing us to see possibilities
• Builds our resources and resilience needed to handle future challenges

Conversely, when we experience negative emotions (anxiety, sadness, anger, despair), our focus narrows, potential darkens, and we resort to habitual thinking, acting, judging, criticizing, and blaming.

Makes sense. If we’re worried or upset, we’re not looking for what’s possible. We’re shutting down, focused entirely on surviving the moment.

But when we’re feeling positive, we’re eager to learn, explore, and expand.

• From joy, we play, push the limits, act creatively, innovate
• From interest, we inquire, discuss, seek new information and experiences, grow and develop, collaborate
• From contentment, we appreciate life’s circumstances, incorporating them into our world-view
• From pride, we share about our achievements and then envision future achievements
• From love, we seek social connections

But it’s not about being positive or thinking positively. It’s about intentionally cultivating positive emotions in order to flourish at work and in life.

How? By doing that which brings us joy, interest, contentment, pride, and love

• for Joy: hobbies, games, adventures, sports, music, animals
• for Interest: books, classes, museums, travel, volunteering, mentoring
• for Contentment: a gratitude journal, meditation, yoga
• for Pride: talk about achievements, awards, and future plans
• for Love: spend time with family, friends, colleagues doing any of the above

Ultimately, positivity is a strength, a skill we can develop and prioritize, like a leadership competency.

My favorite part of long holiday weekends is the freedom to relish a good book.

According to research, even short sessions of reading fiction improve our understanding of other human beings (which makes us better leaders!)

But I find weeding through the massive selection of books available to be a daunting exercise.

So I established my Fiction Filter – my own set of rules to identify fiction books that are worth my time and attention:

• 4.5-5 stars on Amazon rated by thousands of readers (I trust the tribe that reads before me)
• No books where animals are hurt or killed (enough said)
• No WWII books (I’ve reached my lifetime capacity for reading about that war)
• No lazy editing (no meandering, verbosity, predictability, or inconsistencies)
• Feel-good, uplifting, soul-filling (I get great satisfaction from a happy ending!)
• Perspective-shifting, introducing different cultures or eras (one reason I read)
• Strong recommendations from other voracious readers (like my mom!)

I actually find great success in using filters to weed through many of life’s overwhelming choices: movies, TV shows, activities, food, websites, and even conversations. Not everything deserves our limited time and attention!

So if you want to sink your teeth into delicious fiction this holiday, I offer you my list of recent favorites:

1. Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine (by Gail Honeyman)
2. Where’d You Go Bernadette? (by Maria Semple)
3. The Storyteller’s Secret (by Sejal Banani)
4. Extraordinary Life of Sam Hell (by Robert Dugoni)
5. This is How it Always Is (by Laurie Frankel)
6. The Last Mrs. Parrish (by Liz Constantine)
7. The Alice Network (by Kate Quinn)
8. The Sense of an Ending (by Julian Barnes)
9. The Silent Patient (by Alex Michaelides)
10. The Invention of Wings (by Sue Monk Kidd)

Happy Reading and Happy 4th of July!

ps. I’m always looking for entertaining fiction, thought-provoking non-fiction, or inspirational memoirs, so send me your recommendations!

I was with my nephew Parker when we discovered the Fahrenheit, a level 5 roller coaster with a 97-degree drop followed by 6 inversions.

We were at Hershey Park. And fear swiftly convinced me to skip this ride – there was no way…

But my intrepid, almost-12-year-old nephew never hesitated. He was determined to ride. So I agreed to stand in line with him, but that was it.

As we shuffled among the fearless, I quickly realized that I wanted to share this experience with Parker. I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to be Cool Aunt Ann. I declared, “I’m going with you!” His face flooded with delight and awe.

The line was short – no time to ruminate or reconsider. Suddenly we were strapped into our seats and the coaster was ascending vertically – all I could see was blue sky. Fear could not protect me now!

And then we crested the top, plunging straight down, rolling right into upside down loops.

We laughed and screamed with joy! It was our favorite ride at the park. I can’t believe I almost missed it…

In psychology, there is a concept called Habituation: the more we face something that triggers an emotional response (like public speaking or talking to strangers), the more our emotional response diminishes.

Interestingly, the nervous system’s arousal actually decreases as we expose ourselves to the feared situation. Eventually we become accustomed to it – we habituate. And the fear loses its power over us.

Conversely, when we avoid that which causes us fear, we prevent our nervous system from habituating. So avoidance actually maintains and magnifies the fear!

While exposure is a proven way to overcome fear, I believe the real secret is to care about something more than the fear – like creating an experience with one of your favorite nephews!

“The best way to complain is to make things.” – James Murphy, musician and record producer.

Marketing guru Seth Godin evolved this to: “The best way to complain is to make things better.”

When a recent Harvard study revealed that our external circumstances predict only about 10% of our happiness, “making things better” suddenly becomes a go-to solution for predicting the other 90% of our happiness.

Most entrepreneurs, non-profits, and even politicians are born out of a desire to make things better. While we don’t always agree with their approach, their intentions are admirable.

When I lived in San Francisco and accepted a job in Silicon Valley, I immediately began complaining about the traffic and having no time to workout. A simple 45-minute commute from the city quickly deteriorated into a 90-minute excruciating slog during rush hour.

I decided to make my mornings better. I became certified as a spin instructor and taught indoor cycling at the YMCA near my office at 6am. This schedule required me to leave my house before the traffic, rewarding me with an easy commute and a workout. After class, I showered and headed to the office stress free and stronger!

Today when I find myself or my team complaining about a process or a result, I measure my efficacy as a leader by how quickly I can move our conversations from complaint into action.

• What can we learn from this?
• What can we do differently, more efficiently or effectively?
• How can we make this situation, process, or result better?

It’s easy to complain, for despair attracts an abundance of company. Butcomplaining without action is complacent. Only through action do we energize and embolden ourselves and others.

As singer, songwriter, activist Joan Baez says, “Action is the antidote to despair.

Since rescuing my second dog, I’ve been watching Cesar Millan’s show Dog Whisperer to learn how to manage an additional 65 pounds of fur in my house.

On a recent episode, Cesar was scolding his client, “Dogs need leaders who love, not lovers who lead.” 

So do people! Whether we are the boss, a parent, or both, our people are also best served when we are leaders who love, not lovers who lead.

While they desire a trusting relationship sprinkled with fun and frivolity, our people also crave our leadership, to direct the way while also challenging them to become bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves.

Which one are you?

A Leader who Loves…

1. Communicates a vision for the future that emboldens others
2. Respects and is respected
3. Makes decisions after involving appropriate parties
4. Holds people accountable to their commitments
5. Offers opportunities to challenge and develop others
6. Listens to understand
7. Empowers and expects people to solve their own problems
8. Communicates with radical candor
9. Takes action unapologetically
10. Mentors their people

A Lover who Leads…

1. Lacks clear direction, challenged to identify (or drive) the important in the chaos of the urgent
2. Wants to be liked
3. Struggles to make decisions that impact others
4. Avoids difficult conversations and confrontations
5. Fears delegating, because it might be seen as dumping
6. Listens to fix problems
7. Rescues people
8. Avoids giving feedback to avert the potential of hurt feelings
9. Apologizes while taking action or disagreeing
10. Befriends people (doesn’t feel confident mentoring them)

Steve Jobs once said, “If you want to make people happy, don’t be a leader. Sell ice cream.” (And if he had been talking about my dogs, he would have said, “Give lots of treats.”)