All Posts by Ann Tardy

My favorite part of long holiday weekends is the freedom to relish a good book.

According to research, even short sessions of reading fiction improve our understanding of other human beings (which makes us better leaders!)

But I find weeding through the massive selection of books available to be a daunting exercise.

So I established my Fiction Filter – my own set of rules to identify fiction books that are worth my time and attention:

• 4.5-5 stars on Amazon rated by thousands of readers (I trust the tribe that reads before me)
• No books where animals are hurt or killed (enough said)
• No WWII books (I’ve reached my lifetime capacity for reading about that war)
• No lazy editing (no meandering, verbosity, predictability, or inconsistencies)
• Feel-good, uplifting, soul-filling (I get great satisfaction from a happy ending!)
• Perspective-shifting, introducing different cultures or eras (one reason I read)
• Strong recommendations from other voracious readers (like my mom!)

I actually find great success in using filters to weed through many of life’s overwhelming choices: movies, TV shows, activities, food, websites, and even conversations. Not everything deserves our limited time and attention!

So if you want to sink your teeth into delicious fiction this holiday, I offer you my list of recent favorites:

1. Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine (by Gail Honeyman)
2. Where’d You Go Bernadette? (by Maria Semple)
3. The Storyteller’s Secret (by Sejal Banani)
4. Extraordinary Life of Sam Hell (by Robert Dugoni)
5. This is How it Always Is (by Laurie Frankel)
6. The Last Mrs. Parrish (by Liz Constantine)
7. The Alice Network (by Kate Quinn)
8. The Sense of an Ending (by Julian Barnes)
9. The Silent Patient (by Alex Michaelides)
10. The Invention of Wings (by Sue Monk Kidd)

Happy Reading and Happy 4th of July!

ps. I’m always looking for entertaining fiction, thought-provoking non-fiction, or inspirational memoirs, so send me your recommendations!

I was with my nephew Parker when we discovered the Fahrenheit, a level 5 roller coaster with a 97-degree drop followed by 6 inversions.

We were at Hershey Park. And fear swiftly convinced me to skip this ride – there was no way…

But my intrepid, almost-12-year-old nephew never hesitated. He was determined to ride. So I agreed to stand in line with him, but that was it.

As we shuffled among the fearless, I quickly realized that I wanted to share this experience with Parker. I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to be Cool Aunt Ann. I declared, “I’m going with you!” His face flooded with delight and awe.

The line was short – no time to ruminate or reconsider. Suddenly we were strapped into our seats and the coaster was ascending vertically – all I could see was blue sky. Fear could not protect me now!

And then we crested the top, plunging straight down, rolling right into upside down loops.

We laughed and screamed with joy! It was our favorite ride at the park. I can’t believe I almost missed it…

In psychology, there is a concept called Habituation: the more we face something that triggers an emotional response (like public speaking or talking to strangers), the more our emotional response diminishes.

Interestingly, the nervous system’s arousal actually decreases as we expose ourselves to the feared situation. Eventually we become accustomed to it – we habituate. And the fear loses its power over us.

Conversely, when we avoid that which causes us fear, we prevent our nervous system from habituating. So avoidance actually maintains and magnifies the fear!

While exposure is a proven way to overcome fear, I believe the real secret is to care about something more than the fear – like creating an experience with one of your favorite nephews!

“The best way to complain is to make things.” – James Murphy, musician and record producer.

Marketing guru Seth Godin evolved this to: “The best way to complain is to make things better.”

When a recent Harvard study revealed that our external circumstances predict only about 10% of our happiness, “making things better” suddenly becomes a go-to solution for predicting the other 90% of our happiness.

Most entrepreneurs, non-profits, and even politicians are born out of a desire to make things better. While we don’t always agree with their approach, their intentions are admirable.

When I lived in San Francisco and accepted a job in Silicon Valley, I immediately began complaining about the traffic and having no time to workout. A simple 45-minute commute from the city quickly deteriorated into a 90-minute excruciating slog during rush hour.

I decided to make my mornings better. I became certified as a spin instructor and taught indoor cycling at the YMCA near my office at 6am. This schedule required me to leave my house before the traffic, rewarding me with an easy commute and a workout. After class, I showered and headed to the office stress free and stronger!

Today when I find myself or my team complaining about a process or a result, I measure my efficacy as a leader by how quickly I can move our conversations from complaint into action.

• What can we learn from this?
• What can we do differently, more efficiently or effectively?
• How can we make this situation, process, or result better?

It’s easy to complain, for despair attracts an abundance of company. Butcomplaining without action is complacent. Only through action do we energize and embolden ourselves and others.

As singer, songwriter, activist Joan Baez says, “Action is the antidote to despair.

Since rescuing my second dog, I’ve been watching Cesar Millan’s show Dog Whisperer to learn how to manage an additional 65 pounds of fur in my house.

On a recent episode, Cesar was scolding his client, “Dogs need leaders who love, not lovers who lead.” 

So do people! Whether we are the boss, a parent, or both, our people are also best served when we are leaders who love, not lovers who lead.

While they desire a trusting relationship sprinkled with fun and frivolity, our people also crave our leadership, to direct the way while also challenging them to become bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves.

Which one are you?

A Leader who Loves…

1. Communicates a vision for the future that emboldens others
2. Respects and is respected
3. Makes decisions after involving appropriate parties
4. Holds people accountable to their commitments
5. Offers opportunities to challenge and develop others
6. Listens to understand
7. Empowers and expects people to solve their own problems
8. Communicates with radical candor
9. Takes action unapologetically
10. Mentors their people

A Lover who Leads…

1. Lacks clear direction, challenged to identify (or drive) the important in the chaos of the urgent
2. Wants to be liked
3. Struggles to make decisions that impact others
4. Avoids difficult conversations and confrontations
5. Fears delegating, because it might be seen as dumping
6. Listens to fix problems
7. Rescues people
8. Avoids giving feedback to avert the potential of hurt feelings
9. Apologizes while taking action or disagreeing
10. Befriends people (doesn’t feel confident mentoring them)

Steve Jobs once said, “If you want to make people happy, don’t be a leader. Sell ice cream.” (And if he had been talking about my dogs, he would have said, “Give lots of treats.”) 

After college, Sue Barlett taught 12th grade English at Central Hower High School in Akron, Ohio for nine years in the 1960s.

When she arrived, Sue was horrified to discover that her students (seniors!) did not know how to read.

And then she learned the reality of their illiteracy: because her students could not read, they could not pass a driver’s license test. And without a driver’s license, they were unable to find decent jobs.

Her students were about to graduate; they were illiterate; and they were destined for poverty.

Sue immediately pitched an idea to the school’s principal. He agreed – he knew the system had failed these students. How could he not support someone who was willing to try something new?

Here’s what she did… Sue went to the local DMV and obtained a copy of the driver’s license exam. She then used the exam as their textbook for the year. She taught her students how to read using the driver’s license exam. At the end of the year, they could read, drive, and forge their future.

When others falter or retreat in the face of hopeless situations thinking, “What could I possibly do?” “Not my problem,” or “This is just how things are,” Sue asked “What difference can I make?” And that conviction made all the difference for her students.

David Brooks, columnist and author of the recently released book, The Second Mountain, wrote, “At some point in life people realize that while our educational system generally prepares us for climbing this or that mountain, your life is actually defined by how you make use of your moment of greatest adversity.”

In our own moments of great adversity, we must remember that the invitation is not to change the world – it’s simply to change someone else’s world.

I remember my college graduation, but I don’t remember who spoke or the advice they offered – my head was spinning with nervous energy that day.

Perhaps the wisdom shared by the rich and famous at podiums across the country each graduation season is actually meant to rouse and rejuvenate the rest of us who have been adult-ing for a while.

Some highlights from this season of bedazzled commencement speeches:

1. Life is Good CEO Bert Jacobs at Villanova: “Follow 3 rules to be happy on the road of life:

• Turn on the lights (give off positive energy)
• Trust your navigation system (know who you are and act like it)
• Enjoy the ride“

2. Billionaire Robert F. Smith at Morehouse (right before he pledged to pay off all college debt of graduating seniors to the tune of $40 million): “You are bound only by the limits of your own conviction and creativity.”

3. Actress Jennifer Garner at Denison University: “There is no finish line to cross. There is no moment when you’re supposed to be happy. Fight for what makes you optimistic about the world. Find it, insist on it, dig into it, go after it. Happiness is your own responsibility.”

4. Apple CEO Tim Cook at Tulane University: “There are some who would like to believe that the only way you can be strong is by bulldozing those who disagree with you… Push back! It shouldn’t be this way.”

5. Actress Kristen Bell at University of Southern California: “Listen as fiercely as you want to be heard.”

6. Philadelphia Eagles head coach Jeffrey Lurie at Clark University: “Remember the importance of unconditional love, resilience, empathy, gratitude, and a radical kind of open-mindedness.”

We are never too old or too tenured to be rekindled and inspired by the advice, perspectives and ideas of others!

I really thought cycling across the country would make me happy.

But when I touched my front wheel into the Atlantic Ocean after 67 days of pedaling, I wasn’t happy. I was sad. I had spent 20 years talking about it and a whole year planning and training for it. Suddenly, the adventure was over.

I thought I was going to find happiness at the finish line. I didn’t expect to experience sheer joy from cycling every day.

So my post-ride slump was inevitable. To bounce out of it, I planned the next adventure – a bike ride from Key West to Maine the following year.

In a recent interview, actress Viola Davis was asked about her Oscar, her Tonys, and her Emmys. She shared her approach: “The three most important words to me are: and now what? What’s the next thing? What’s the next chapter? What’s the next page?” Viola intentionally looks at what she’s creating next, because the thrill of the award is not what fuels her.

A 2007 study revealed that we are happier in pursuit of goals than we are after we accomplish them. For example, we are happier getting a new job, starting a new class, and buying a new house than we are when we have the job, pass the exam, or inhabit the house, respectively.

Essentially, we are most happy when we are in the process of improving ourselves and our situations in some way.

Bottom line: positive dynamic events are better than static situations.

So get in action!

• Learn something new
• Change, improve something
• Launch a new program at work
• Experiment with a new tool for your team
• Start volunteering
• Plan an adventure
• Tackle an intrepid goal

Happiness is not a finish line to cross; it’s an ever-evolving journey that we get to create.