Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead

[Flash] The Secret to Durable Relationships (according to SLJ and RBG!)

On a promotional tour for his new movie this year, Samuel L. Jackson discussed his extensive and prolific acting career as well as his 48-year marriage.

When asked about the secret to his wedded bliss, Jackson answered, “Amnesia.”

Jackson says that sometimes it’s better to let things go, forget they ever happened. He feels this approach allows him to form stronger relationships with everyone.

And when Jennifer Lopez wanted some advice before her wedding, she reached out to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (RBG) who had been married for 50 years before her husband died.

RBG shared the sage advice her mother-in-law gave her on her wedding day: “It helps sometimes to be a little deaf.”

RBG added, “A deaf ear also works in every workplace, including the good job I have now.”

So what should we forget or pretend not to hear? The perceived slights, injustices, annoyances, frustrations, and disappointments. Making the petty profound threatens every relationship we have.

And if we don’t let them go? They evolve into what relationship expert John Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling” – indicators of an impending end to our relationship.

But we don’t even have to “get over it.” We just have to get past it.

How? By asking a few simple questions:

Does it matter?
Does it really matter?
Why?
What if it didn’t matter?

The act of forgetting is adaptive, says neurobiologist James McGaugh. It’s essential to help us focus on understanding the world, not obsessing over every infraction.

If we want better relationships at work and at home, we would benefit from a little amnesia, a deaf ear, thicker skin, and a reality check.

Always take the high road. It’s far less crowded. Warren Buffett

[Flash] Rerouting… What the GPS Can Teach Us about Leading Better

Lately, I’ve been relying heavily on my GPS navigation device to traverse unknown streets around the country as I travel.

And I’ve noticed that the GPS is masterful at using leadership strategies to ensure I continue to follow it.

Here’s what the GPS can teach us about being a better boss:

1. Alternative Routes
By offering a variety of route options (fastest, scenic, avoid tolls), the GPS allows us to choose, ensuring we are involved from the beginning.

Behind a wheel or behind a project, people crave involvement. With autonomy to choose the route, people will own their choice.

2. Traffic Ahead
By regularly offering updates on traffic delays, construction, accidents, and alternative routes, the GPS shares requisite information to reach our destination successfully.

People trust leaders who share information that contributes to the success of the goal.

3. Stay in the Right Lane
The GPS software is programmed to state directions in the positive, not in the negative, ex: “Stay in the right three lanes.” (instead of, “Don’t use the left lane.” or “Don’t take this exit.”)

When we focus on positive directions, people feel good about themselves, and they persevere.

4. Rerouting…
When we miss a turn or don’t follow the directions, the GPS simply says, “Rerouting…” It never scolds, “You missed the exit!” or “Wrong turn!”

We lead better when we help people accomplish a goal without judgment or criticism. Stay invested in the destination, not the route.

5. You’ve Reached Your Destination!
When we arrive, the GPS hails our accomplishment, “You’ve reached your destination.”

People are starved for acknowledgement and recognition.

While we employ it to serve our success, in actuality the GPS is leading us on the journey… like a great boss!

[Flash] In Turbulence Watch the Flight Attendant

Just as Tropical Depression Imelda was slamming into Houston last week, I was on an airplane taxiing down the runway. Inevitably, the takeoff was choppy as the plane shook violently throughout the ascent.

Frightened, I covered my face with my hands. I hate turbulence!

I was sitting on the aisle with a perfect view of the flight attendant. As this tube of metal rocked from side to side in the sky, I wondered what he was doing while I was panicking.

So I took a peek at him between my fingers…

Unbelievable. He looked like he was at the park watching birds! He was sitting back, his hands folded on his lap, an unruffled, serene look on his face.

The erratic turbulence didn’t faze him one bit!

And then I thought, well if he isn’t worried, I don’t need to be worried.

So I started to relax. Because he behaved like everything was fine, I presumed that everything was fine and there was no need to panic. (Had he acted concerned or unnerved, I definitely would have done the same!)

That’s called Social Cognitive Theory. Used in psychology, it suggests that we look to people we respect (models) to mold and shape our own actions. In other words, we acquire knowledge about how to behave directly from observing others.

Whether we lead meetings, projects, teams, departments, mentees, or a family, we are like my flight attendant on that plane – by virtue of our title or position, people watch us. We serve as role models, demonstrating how to behave in various situations. Our people observe our actions to determine their own.

It’s an important and yet often neglected responsibility anchored to any title.

In times of turbulence, will you use the privilege of your position to rattle or reassure?

[Flash] Repeat the Good Stuff (and Help People Combat Sabotaging Self-Talk)

Bob scheduled a car to pick me up. He said, “I’ve worked with Mr. Woldegiorgis for 8 years and he’s fabulous.” When Mr. Woldegiorgis arrived, the first thing I said when I got in the car, “Bob thinks you’re fabulous.” Mr. Woldegiorgis smiled, sat up proudly, and drove me to the airport as only a fabulous driver would.

It is estimated that 50,000 thoughts race through our minds every day, and 70% of them do not serve our success. We spend an inordinate amount of time doubting ourselves, obsessing about mistakes, and worrying. The flood of negative thoughts is self-deflating.

But we can help combat people’s sabotaging self-talk by repeating the good stuff we hear others say about them.

For example, when Barbara emailed me, “My mentor is awesome!” I forwarded Barbara’s email to her mentor, repeating the good stuff. Barbara’s mentor immediately replied, “Thank you! That made my day!”

It’s a phenomenon called the “Pygmalion effect” in which people internalize positive labels. Essentially, others’ expectations of them affect their performance.

As leaders when we repeat the good stuff, we elevate the importance of that positive label which serves to:

shift sabotaging thoughts to success thoughts
set our high expectations of the person (we want to experience their good stuff too!)

And this leads to an increase in performance, because people want to emulate their positive label.

Here’s what I love about repeating good stuff:

It’s easy to do
We make others feel good about themselves
We make the person who said the good stuff look good
We look good for sharing it
We inspire people to perform in a way that matches that positive label

When people feel good about themselves, they achieve more. And we need people inflated by pride, not deflated by self-sabotage.

[Flash] Persevere! (Lessons from Pedal Pushing Around Vermont)

Today we finished our cycling adventure around the Green Mountain State!

As the last few miles moved under my pedals, I reflected on what I’ve learned from this year’s ride…

Was it about having more fun and finding more joy? No!

There were plenty of un-joyful moments during this trip:

The 60 miles we biked soaking wet through unrelenting rain
The 22,863 feet of elevation we climbed up merciless hills
The 10-15% grades that had me at times pedaling slower than I could walk
The hauling all my stuff in bags suspended from my bike for 372 miles
The eating dinner at a gas station grocery mart when everything was closed on Labor Day
The wind and thunderstorms
The saddle that ruthlessly tortured my sit bones
The nasty feeling from recycling the same clothes for a week
The closed roads and detours

So, no. My insight was not about creating more fun-filled journeys in life.

Rather, I re-discovered what it means to persevere in spite of all those un-joyful moments. To set a goal and endure through a deluge of unwanted circumstances. To be completely uncomfortable and inconvenienced (and hungry!) in dogged pursuit of a finish line. And to get up the next day and face it all again.

My reward? I experienced a beautiful state, explored delightful towns, and met interesting people. And I amazed myself with my own strength and power.

As Jim Rohn once said, “The ultimate reason for setting goals is to entice you to become the person it takes to achieve them.”

Ultimately it wasn’t about the mileage or the elevation. It was about becoming a stronger person mentally, emotionally, and physically. It was about re-learning to persevere in the face of uncontrollable, unforgiving circumstances.

I’m ready for the next challenge!

[Flash] Novelty Prevents Time Blur (and Keeps Me Cycling)

My first long distance bike ride was in 1997 when I cycled from San Francisco to Los Angeles in the California AIDSRide. I loved it!

Since then I’ve cycled across the country, up the East coast, down the West coast, Iowa RAGBRAI, MS Rides, Double Centuries, Crater Lake to Yosemite, and Banff to Yellowstone.

And tomorrow I launch my next cycling adventure around the Green Mountains in Vermont for a week with my biking buddy in a self-supported (carrying-our-own-stuff) ride.

As I reflect on 22 years of seeing the country from my bike, I wondered about my penchant for seeking new experiences.

And then I discovered neuroscientist David Eagleman.

Eagleman posits that when we inject novelty into our lives, we prevent the blur of months and years. Without novelty, time seems to pass quickly (“the older we get the faster time flies!”)

In reality time blur occurs because the older we get, the less that’s new to us. We only drove for the first time once. We only graduated from high school once. We only got our first job once.

Eagleman’s research shows that our brains record new, exciting experiences differently than routine experiences.

First memories are thick and durable
Routines are flimsy and forgettable

Seeking novelty helps us slow down the clock of our lives.

So how can we inject novelty into our routine?

Find an inventive route to work
Dine at an unusual restaurant
Seek out new-to-you events or festivals
Banter with strangers
Travel to different places
Tackle a challenge/presentation at work
Schedule creative team-building activities
Join a mentoring program in a new role
Try skydiving, ballooning, or a segue

Undoubtedly our default mode is comfort, consistency, and convenience. But introducing fresh experiences halts the blur of time and forces us to live in moments.

[Flash] Vigilantly Joyful or Heedlessly Judge-y? (The Case Against Unsolicited Advice)

My favorite column in Sunday’s New York Times is “Social Q’s” penned by Philip Galanes.

Philip answers social etiquette questions in the style of “Dear Abby.” And his comments are always refreshingly candid.

Recently someone wrote to Philip about a friend whose is engaged to a much younger man: “The relationship is inappropriate and poses risks to her. At best she makes it out with a bruised heart. At worst she marries the man and finds herself financially and emotionally ruined. What do I owe my friend?”

Highlights of Philip’s particularly mercurial response include:

I know you’re trying to look out for your friend.
But your question is loaded with ungenerous assumptions (and unfounded catastrophes)
Is this adult woman really such a fool that she needs you to navigate her love life?
If so, it’s a pity she hasn’t asked for your help. Until she does, I’d keep quiet.
Why not celebrate her joy for however long it lasts? Life is short.

Philip’s pointed response gave me pause…

Admittedly I’ve catastrophized and judged friends’ joy before. And I’ve experienced other people’s catastrophizing.

So why do we feel the need to protect people from their own journey by offering unsolicited advice?

Psychologists have determined that advice-giving can stem from:

genuine concern
desire to help
failure in empathy
neglect for diverse perspectives
assertion of dominance
arrogance
distrust

Ultimately, unsolicited advice feels like criticism, which threatens our autonomy. We hate being controlled and would prefer to make our own mistakes.

(Note: Unsolicited advice is different than useful, potentially life-saving or job-saving information. When we provide that information without advice, we protect someone’s freedom to choose what to do with the information. Ex: “There’s a tiger in the building.” vs. “You should leave the office because there’s a tiger roaming the halls.”)

So I’m committed to being vigilantly joyful instead of heedlessly judge-y. Unless someone specifically requests my advice, perspectives, ideas, mentoring, or help, I’m going to celebrate people’s joy and cheer them through their journey of learning.

[Flash] 5 OrangeTheory Strategies to Revitalize Meetings and Boost Programs

I was registered for an OrangeTheory Fitness class this morning, but I didn’t want to go – I was so tired. However, I was too late to cancel without a penalty… And I’m so glad I didn’t – class was rejuvenating!

OrangeTheory Fitness (OTF) is a group fitness interval class incorporating rowers, treadmills, and weights. Since its launch in 2010, it has amassed a cult-like following.

Why? Because OTF uses 5 influencing strategies that we can exploit to make our own gatherings more irresistible and successful:

1. Commitment
At OTF each class is limited in size, and classes fill up quickly. So we register far in advance to reserve a spot. This forces us to plan and prioritize.

Commitments elevate the importance of events, and the added influence of scarcity drives people to take action.

2. Consequences
At OTF canceling within 8 hours of class results in a monetary charge.

With consequences, people tend to rise to their commitments instead of fall to their feelings (“I’m tired.” “I’m stressed.” “I’m busy.”)

3. Clarity
At OTF there are no surprises. The rules are clear, the room setup is consistent, and coaches demonstrate exercises, vigilantly track our time, and manage the flow between intervals.

People crave clear expectations in experiences and relationships.

4. Control
At OTF we wear heart-rate monitors to measure our effort throughout class. And flat screens around the room continuously display our heart rate zone, provoking us to work harder.

People just want to win, and they’ll exert the effort when success is in their control and measurable.

5. Congratulations
When we arrive at OTF, coaches applaud us. And at the end of class, we each get a woo-hoo! email with our specific results.

People are emboldened by recognition.

Ensure participants in your meetings and programs…

Make commitments
Face consequences
Receive clear expectations
Control and measure their success
Hear cheers for participating and congratulations for results!