Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead

[Flash] Calm is Contagious (and so is Chaos, Panic, and Stupid)

Navy SEAL Commander Rorke T. Denver: “The best advice I ever got in Navy SEAL training is simple: calm is contagious.”

While introducing his story, Rorke revealed, “We can supplant any word for ‘calm’ and it still applies to every leadership situation: chaos is contagious, panic is contagious, stupid is contagious.”

His final training exercise as a Navy SEAL involved planning, organizing, and executing a mission as a team. Toward the end, they were running out of time and floundering. And the student who taken on the role of ranking officer in this exercise was screaming his head off “like the Tasmanian devil.”

In the middle of the chaos, the trainer halted the exercise to share some sage leadership advice with the trainees:

“As leaders, as captains, as officers, if you keep your head, they’ll keep their head. If you keep it together, they’ll keep it together. And if you lose it, they’ll lose it.”

Essentially, others mirror our behavior simply by virtue of our title or position (ex: supervisor, manager, team lead, mentor, parent).

In psychology it’s called “social cognitive theory.” In other words, people observe the actions and behaviors of those they respect in order to shape and mold their own actions and behaviors.

SEALs know the importance of calm to bring out the best in themselves and others. And because of the power of mirroring, they intentionally create calm.

How?

Focus on the mission at hand
Identify stress/panic triggers
Recognize when emotions escalate
Stay cognizant of the ripple effect of emotions on others
Pause and breathe (research shows that it takes 4 seconds to get into a calm zone)
Laugh… it reinforces the belief that it’ll all be OK

Whether we’re at a crossroads or in a crisis, our reactions are powerful and contagious. React purposefully.

[Flash] Hope Springs Eternal! (a Plea for Optimistic Leadership During this Crisis)

“Hope springs eternal” describes an endless renewal of hopefulness – our human tendency to find fresh reasons for optimism.

As leaders and mentors, we bear the power, the platform, and arguably the promise to ignite optimism – to be the beacon of hope, particularly when people are desperate for it. Like now.

How?

1. Provide Perspective.
When fears merge with uncertainties, anxiety escalates into panic. Help balance a pragmatic dose of concern with perspective. Your calm, empathetic, reassuring optimism will spark theirs.

2. Connect Constantly and Creatively.
Social distancing breeds isolation and depression. Intentionally combat this with virtual huddles. Reach for the phone, not just the keyboard. Experiment with FaceTime, Zoom, and other connecting and collaborating tools like Slack and Jabber.

3. Create Future-Focused Conversations.
Schedule calls, meetings, and events for next week, next month, and next quarter. Planning for the future assures there is one.

4. Practice Resilience.
What can we learn from this? How can we move forward together even stronger? Focusing on that which we cannot control is deflating. Focusing on what we can do is empowering – it gives us purpose.

5. Circulate Inspiration.
Subscribe to Optimist Daily (www.optimistdaily.com) for stories to share of hope, inspiration, and resilience (e.g. “Italians are keeping their spirits up by singing from balconies during their country-wide quarantine”)

6. Leverage the Shared Experience.
Humans bond over shared experiences and commonalities. And this pandemic is offering us both. Use it to strengthen your team – you’re in this together!

7. Be of Service.
While we are inconvenienced, many are in need. Serving others feeds the soul, especially in times of crisis. Explore ways to be of service to peers, customers, friends, and strangers.

We cannot be stuck and in action at the same time. When hope springs eternal, people spring into action!

[Flash] Why Mentoring Matters in Change, Crisis, and the Coronavirus

In the midst of change, chaos, or crisis, it’s easy to dismiss mentoring as extraneous or unnecessary – a frivolous activity.

I once had a client abandon their mentoring program because, in her words, “We are too busy for mentoring.” And I’ve had a mentee confess, “I just got a new role, so I don’t have time for mentoring. I’m dropping out of the program.”

But while it may not be urgent, mentoring is important as we navigate unchartered territory.

Why? Because mentoring is the circulation of wisdom. It’s the intentional exchange of advice, perspectives, and ideas for the purpose of accelerating success.

Look. Obi-Wan Kenobi is not coming. No one is going to save us, so we better learn to save ourselves… together.

When faced with change or crisis, we can circulate wisdom to:

collect new ideas to help us innovate through the change or crisis
identify our blindspots that may be hindering our success
acclimate to and succeed in a new role or responsibility
rediscover our own resilience as we integrate the new normal
learn to cultivate calm and vigilance, not fuel frenzy and fear

But we cannot merely hope that we acquire the wisdom we need for the challenges we face. We must ensure that we do.

How? Deliberately create mentoring opportunities:

schedule Advice Interviews with others regularly
involve peers in generating solutions
seek a variety of perspectives to make better decisions
invite people to share their experiences and ideas
turn strangers into connections using curiosity
encourage and support mentoring programs to foster a culture that eagerly exchanges advice, perspectives, and ideas

When you feel too busy or overwhelmed for mentoring, consider wrestling that chaos, change, or crisis on your own, lacking essential wisdom.

Now more than ever we need to learn from each other. When nothing is certain, mentoring forges possibility.

[Flash] How to Avoid Criticism

“Only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” ~ Aristotle

This week I’m celebrating 5 years of Flash! It was March 2015 when I committed to writing and publishing a short article every week…

to provide conversation starters for the mentors, mentees, and leaders in our programs
to create a constant connection with people
to contribute fresh ideas, strategies, and perspectives
to hone my writing skills

I started with 11 people on my mailing list (including my mom). Today over 11,000 people receive Flash!

Inevitably every week, someone emails me.

Sometimes they send me a simple thank-you or a woo-hooo! Other times people write to tell me that they or their team really needed to hear that week’s message – as if I wrote it specifically for them.

But occasionally someone will email me their criticism. They might dislike my idea, argue about my perspective, reprimand my use of a story, or even point out a typo. Sometimes they even unsubscribe.

I have to admit, I take it to heart.

As a result, every week I pause to consider if I’m writing something that might inadvertently irritate, upset, offend, or even confuse my readers (you!). I reflect on the content and scrutinize it from different angles before I publish it.

And I don’t always get it right.

I recognize that it’s risky to put my perspectives and ideas out there each week, especially in this era of unabashed judging, criticizing, and hating.

But it’s a risk I’m willing to take to inspire, ignite, contribute to, and connect with all of you!

The secret is not to avoid criticism, but instead to have something compelling you to do, say, or be… in spite thereof. The power of that commitment will mute the volume of inescapable criticism.

[Flash] It’s Never Not My Department

My husband and I visited Lowe’s this weekend to purchase new carpeting, and we had the pleasure of working with Chelsea in the flooring department.

Chelsea was attentive, knowledgeable, and personable.

As we were waiting for the paperwork, I asked Chelsea how long she’s been at Lowe’s.

She proudly responded, “I started three years ago as a part-time stocker for $9.00 an hour and today I’m full-time making $20.00 an hour.”

And then Chelsea paused to add, “It’s never not my department.”

She continued, “Yes I’m assigned to flooring today, but if any customer anywhere in the store asks me if I can help them, I never say ‘That isn’t my department.’ I have to be invaluable, and that’s by being able to help anyone in any department at any time.”

She was refreshing!

And we can easily employ Chelsea’s approach as mentors, leaders, colleagues, and friends…

It’s never not my problem. It’s never not my job.

This doesn’t mean that it’s now my problem or my job.
It doesn’t mean that I am responsible for that problem of job.
It doesn’t mean that I must solve or fix everything.

But what it does do is invite our humanity. While we don’t have to help anyone else, why wouldn’t we try? Doing so fuels our confidence, our energy, our connection to others, and our engagement in life!

“It’s never not my problem” and “It’s never not my job ” encourage us to be a little less self-serving and a little more other-serving.

How? By asking how we can make a difference in this moment:

Can we lend an ear or a cheer?
Do they need a connection or a resource?
Would they benefit from our perspective or ideas?
Can we physically help in some way?
Can I at the very least point them in the right direction?

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. – African Proverb

[Flash] Unbelievably Fantastic! Don’t Fake Positivity…

Every morning Raul shows up at Starbucks, chooses a seat facing the door, opens his laptop, and promptly greets everyone who walks in the door.

Raul shouts, “Good morning! Howya doing?”
Random coffee-deficient people smile and respond, “Good! How are you?”
Raul bellows earnestly, “Unbelievably fantastic!”

I’ve been observing this exchange for years – his delivery never falters. And the affect is palpable – his energetic spirit lifts people’s moods.

Research suggests that positivity in the workplace:

Improves teamwork and relationships
Increases productivity
Enhances job satisfaction and retention
Bolsters performance and job growth
Reduces stress and health issues

The benefits are so critical that a Japanese railway company once deployed scanning software to check that its employees were enthusiastically grinning. Each morning employees were required to beam into a camera that rated the quality of their smile and offered advice on how to look less gloomy.

But research shows that cultivating real positivity is more powerful than pretending.

Deep Acting: really trying to be positive
Surface Acting: faking positivity (like forced smiling into a camera)

Deep Actors are positive for prosocial reasons – to improve the workplace; whereas Surface Actors are just trying to impress the boss and keep their job.

So how can we intentionally generate positivity at work (even if we lean a bit pessimistic)?

Some proven deep-acting approaches:

Laugh more
Gossip less
Keep a gratitude list
Mentor others
Be curious and interested in co-workers
Celebrate, cheer, acknowledge, recognize
Notice excellence
Repeat the good stuff you hear about others
Put things in perspective
Reframe negative situations into learning situations
Lower your expectations on things you cannot control
Focus on possibilities
Be kind – everyone is battling an inner voice

There’s no reason we can’t all be… unbelievably fantastic!

[Flash] Start in the Bleachers (Secret to Sharing Advice, Opinions, Ideas)

I have a bad habit… I regularly interject my unsolicited advice, opinions, and ideas.

Why?
1. I love solving problems.
2. I thrive on helping people.
3. I increase my power in relationships.

But by offering uninvited (even though enormously valuable!) advice and opinions, I’m essentially communicating to someone, “I don’t trust your judgment in this situation.” Yikes! How could anyone not feel criticized when I do that?

And when people feel judged and criticized, they stop trusting and sharing…

So I’ve decided to start in the bleachers.

When someone shares with me an issue or a problem, I’m going to intentionally grab a seat in those proverbial bleachers and cheer – not the situation, but the person for their efforts.

I’m going to cheer from the bleachers like a fan instead of shriek from the sidelines like a coach they didn’t hire, or worse, muscle onto the court like a teammate they didn’t want.

Because here’s the reality… if someone is sharing with me, I can know for certain that they want me to listen, show empathy, and be supportive.

From there I’ll consider how else I could contribute in that moment. And then I’ll ask if they want me to leave the bleachers to stand on the sidelines or get onto the court with them:
• Would you benefit from my perspective or experience?
• Do you need some help fixing this or do you just want to vent?
• Could you use some fresh ideas, advice, or resources?

This reserves for the other person some power in the situation, which strengthens their trust and spurs them to continue sharing.

Understandably, some situations require us to jump onto the court without permission. But even then the bleachers are a great place to start, allowing us first to assess the situation.

Trust is built on cheers, not fears.

[Flash] Feel Like a Stranger Among Strangers? Create Casual Friends

To escape the cold this winter, I moved my family to Charleston for a few months.

I didn’t realize how much I would miss having Casual Friends…

According to sociologist Mark Granovetter, we need low-stakes relationships or “Casual Friends” – our favorite barista, other dog owners, neighbors, people we see regularly at the gym or church.

A 2014 study concluded that we feel happier with more Casual Friends

they contribute to our sense of belonging to a community
they increase our satisfaction at work and in life

So how can we create more Casual Friends? With intentional banter!

Here’s the formula I’ve been experimenting with:

1. Ask a Question. People love giving answers – it makes them feel good about themselves. And it creates an instant connection.

2. Commiserate on a safe topic: weather, traffic, crowds, lines, noise. People bond over shared experiences.

3. Compliment something – it communicates respect and interest. People like people who like them.

Here’s how this worked recently in my fitness class:

I asked the woman next to me a question about the instructor’s cue
I then commiserated with her about the difficult workout
And then I complimented her on how easy she makes it look

Next time I saw her in class, I smiled and waved at my new Casual Friend.

Will we be best friends? No. I have enough of those. I just want to feel more connected to people around me and enjoy the moments.

While I am tempted to simply hide in my cell phone pretending to be busy, that won’t cure my stranger-among-strangers feeling.

So I’m practicing the Intentional Banter formula:

Question
Commiserate
Compliment
Smile
Wave
Repeat

And I’ve noticed that with more Casual Friends, I feel less like an impostor. Instead, I feel like I belong… and serendipitously, it helps others feel the same!