Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead

[Flash] The Power of Passion, Projects, and Peers

Last week we held Mid-Point Presentations in the Louisiana Action Coalition (LAC) Mentorship Program, a development program designed to prepare nurse managers to lead powerfully.

In the program, mentees create and execute projects that stretch and develop their leadership skills. During the mid-point, they report out to their peers their progress and learnings.

When we launched this year’s program, we were not engulfed in a pandemic. But soon thereafter, the world shut down.

Understandably, some participants were forced to withdraw from the program due to surge preparations at their hospital.

Others, however, persevered with the program despite being overwhelmed, overworked, and under-prepared for the unpredictability of this crisis.

Today they are in the heart of their journey, radically testing their leadership, already making a difference.

The secret?

Passion
Projects
Peers

Passion Projects: The nurse manager mentees are pursuing substantial projects borne out of their passion. Some examples:

Jenn is launching a peer alliance at her hospital to support front-line medical workers suffering from stress and PTSD.
Lyndi is improving the low morale in her Emergency Department resulting from virus safety concerns.
Denise is innovating her teaching strategies to ensure new nurse grads learn about group dynamics and collaboration before ever joining a unit.
Deborah is tackling courageous conversations to address racism and teen pregnancy.
Rachel is standardizing critical care skills.

Peers
Research shows that more than 70% of people who share their goals with their peers and provide regular updates, accomplish their goals. Conversely, when people keep their goals to themselves, only 35% are successful.

Knowing the power of peers, we designed the structure of the LAC Mentorship Program to ensure participants are regularly sharing their passion projects and their progress with their mentors and peers in the program.

This not only drives accountability; it ignites enthusiasm and inspires all the participants in the program (including the program leaders!).

Are you leveraging your passion, projects, and peers to catapult your own leadership?

[Flash] Change It or Choose It!

When I lived in San Francisco, I worked in the South Bay. I detested my daily commute: 45 minutes without traffic; 1.5-2 hours during rush hour.

Every morning I dreaded the drive and procrastinated rising. I was regularly late to work; I lacked energy to exercise; and I was gaining weight!

Something had to change. I needed to add a compelling force to my routine.

So, I took an indoor cycling certification class and agreed to teach the 6:00AM spin class at the YMCA near my office. Suddenly, I was eagerly waking up early, avoiding traffic, and exercising!

In every situation, we get to change it or choose it.

There will constantly be circumstances we cannot change: traffic, weather, other people. But we can always change our attitude, our aptitude, our assumptions, and our actions.

If we are unwilling or unable to change something, we must admit that we are choosing it, as it is. Otherwise, we fall powerless to it.

Naturally, change-it-or-choose-it triggers resistance. Change can be uncomfortable, complicated, or inconvenient, while choosing feels weak. So, we default to momentarily cathartic whining.

But like change, choice is powerful. It releases the grip of resistance and grievance. It bolsters the victor in us and ousts the victim.

As a boss or a mentor, we can guide others to change or choose:

Allow people to vent, without judgment or solutions
Confirm their commitment in the situation (ex: project success, delighted client, continued growth, positive relationships, emotional health, leadership opportunities)
Ask: What can you change about this situation?
Ask: What are you willing to choose?
Ask: What issue is not on either list?
Explore all issues until each becomes a change or a choice, clearing space to serve the commitment

When we’re staring at the lollipop we didn’t want, it’s easy to forget that we’re standing in the middle of a candy shop!

[Flash] From FOMO to JOMO (The Gift of the Pandemic)

It’s been months since I’ve heard people (including me) humblebrag, “I’m so busy!” (and I don’t miss it.)

We have been trained to hustle. And this hustle is often fueled by our fear of missing out (FOMO), especially from exciting events paraded on social media.

The hustle culture is pervasive. According to a 2016 HBR study, busy people are perceived as high status with social mobility. Apparently when we boast about our “crazy schedules,” others assume we are in demand, which makes us look and feel important.

And then the pandemic hit, bringing our busyness to a screeching halt.

Now busy being busy feels so 2019!

Last July researchers from over 60 countries gathered to share cutting-edge insights on the science of well-being.

They explored 3 emerging pathways to happiness:

Positive solitude: time for contemplation, reflection, creativity
Feeling active: energetic, vigorous, and vital
Future-mindedness: creating big dreams anchored by pragmatic plans

These pathways to happiness at once sounded aspirational. But instantly the pandemic gifted us a reprieve from FOMO and an opportunity to experience the joy of missing out (JOMO*)!

How to embrace JOMO:

Understand the Why before the What
Why are we doing this? Why is it important? Outcome over tactics; goals over tasks
Under-complicate things
Increase efficiency and productivity to allot time to think strategically about work and life
Revitalize energy
Leverage exercise, food, sleep, hobbies, and spending time with people you care most about
Pay attention to only that which you can control
Stop doomscrolling through newsfeeds
Declutter, figuratively and literally
What is distracting you from what is important?
Commit to a passion project
Act on an intent-based idea

Actor Tony Hale (Gary from Veep!) reflected this week, “We need to focus on what this experience is giving us vs. what it is taking away.”

We don’t need more time… we just need more joy!

* The term JOMO was simultaneously coined by CEO Anil Dash and by venture capitalist Patrick McGinnis

[Flash] Take What You Need. Leave the Rest (Advice on Giving Advice)

My courageous, adventurous stepson Jack is moving across the country to serve in AmeriCorps.

Preparing for our own move, my husband and I have been zealously decluttering and purging.

And as the pile of stuff to be donated mushrooms, I realized that Jack could use a lot of it – AmeriCorps pays a stipend and he’s never lived on his own.

My immediate instinct was to retrieve from the pile everything that I think Jack will need.

And then I recalled one of the key strategies to giving someone advice: grant them permission to take what they need and leave the rest.

My pile of hand-me-down housewares is like sage advice: earned, enjoyed, and worthwhile… from my perspective, not necessarily from Jack’s.

Giving advice, while grounded on altruism, risks being received as judgment and criticism.

But when we offer advice like an option, we allow the advice receiver the power to choose or reject our advice, and we acknowledge that they might need to take a different path than ours.

So instead of handing him things, I offered Jack the opportunity to sort through the pile before I headed to Goodwill. I said, “When I moved out on my own, I was grateful for anything I didn’t have to spend money on. Take what you need and leave the rest.” And then I walked away.

As soon as I let go of the need to impose my advice (my hand-me-down housewares) on Jack, I could focus on conveying a more important message: he’s in charge of his own success.

Whether we are offering advice as a leader, a mentor, or a parent, we can make a bigger difference if we remember that people may or may not benefit from our advice. But they’ll always appreciate our confidence in their ability to choose their own path.

Take what you need. Leave the rest.

[Flash] You Are Only As Good As You Are On Your Own

The new superhero, action-thriller The Old Guard shares the story of a covert team of immortal mercenaries led by Charlize Theron who mentors the new team member played by Kiki Layne.

In separate promotional interviews for the movie, Charlize and Kiki each reflected on their own mentor-mentee experience in making the film:

Kiki: Being able to watch Charlize, her confidence, and her knowledge was super inspiring! Charlize knows what she wants and she’s not going to sacrifice her integrity in the process. I learned from her that I don’t have to give up who I am to get where I want to go.

Charlize: Kiki was inspiring to be around! It’s a misconception that the one with the experience and age brings everything to the table. We trained together, and every day Kiki would show up, all in. It made me want to show up all in. We pushed each other.

As demonstrated by Charlize and Kiki, we watch each other’s actions and behaviors to shape and mold our own, regardless of who is the mentor or mentee. In behavioral science, this is called “social cognitive theory.”

It’s a powerful influence – we are constantly taking cues from each other.

Whether we are the boss, colleague, mentor, or mentee, we mentor each other through our actions, even inadvertently.

While this superpower is currently challenged by our socially-distanced, remote reality, we can unleash it through simple, intentionally-created interactions:

Use video conferencing, not just the phone
Turn on your video camera and invite people into your world
Use email, phone, and texts to communicate, “I was thinking of you…”
Invite others to observe/contribute to a meeting or presentation
Connect people to advocate their mutual interests
Create small work groups to collaborate on projects
Voice your support for an initiative, a program, a person

Charlize concluded with sage advice: “You are only as good as you are on your own. Then it’s the partner you have and where they take you.”

It’s time to purposefully create more partnerships!

[Flash] Are Mentees Tangential? Is it Actually All About the Mentors?

Have we had the spotlight on the wrong participant this whole time?
What if mentoring is really all about the Mentor?
What if the Mentee is simply tangential?

A recent study found that people actually benefit more from giving advice than from receiving it.

Because giving advice compels people (Mentors) to re-evaluate themselves and their environments from a different perspective.

What if the person who is new to company, new to role, new to skill, or new to leadership (aka the Mentee) is merely just a vehicle to allow the Mentor the experience of reflecting, examining, sharing, and then reinforcing their own wisdom?

A Mentor in one of our programs, Chris shared, “Being a mentor forced me to critically think about my success as a leader so I could communicate that to my Mentee. And then I noticed that I started applying my own advice to lead my team better – lessons that I had previously forgotten. Suddenly I was a better leader, and I wasn’t even the one getting mentored!”

Like Chris, each time I mentor someone, the process surprises me. By imparting insights and advice, my leadership improves, and my confidence gets a boost!

Here’s more evidence of mentoring’s significant impact on Mentors:

Mentors are 6x more likely to get a promotion than people who don’t mentor (vs. Mentees are 5x)
28% of Mentors get a raise (vs. 25% of Mentees and 5% of managers who do not serve as a Mentor)
90% of Mentors rediscover their unique perspectives, recall and redeploy wisdom earned, strengthen their own skills

Of course Mentees benefit from mentoring! But that’s table stakes in this game. Why settle for minimum expectations in your program or for your own participation?

When mentoring has the power to upskill the Mentor in every conversation, in every relationship, in every program… why wouldn’t you readily, consistently, and enthusiastically mentor others?

[Flash] Prevent Loneliness… Make the First Move!

In a scene from the feel-good, buddy-drama, The Green Book, Dr. Don Shirley was explaining to Tony Vallelonga why he is no longer in communication with his family. Tony bluntly and insightfully responded, “You should get in touch. The world is full of lonely people waiting to make the first move.”

I admit, I’ve engaged in similar behavior – I once purposefully did not call a friend. Frankly, I cannot remember if we had an altercation, but I do recall righteously feeling that she needed to call me.

Nevertheless, after a while I missed her, so I reached out. We instantly rekindled our friendship.

Why do we periodically wait for a friend, a boss, a colleague, or a mentoring partner to make the first move?

Because we project onto other people our own (uncommunicated) expectations or assumptions:

We expect our boss to ask us about the project we’ve been driving. Our boss is frustrated that we haven’t sent an update.
We expect our mentor to reach out with sage advice. Our mentor feels like he’s not needed since we never called.
We expect a colleague to schedule our monthly lunch together. That colleague is upset that we haven’t reached out to congratulate her on her promotion.
We expect a sibling to call for the holidays, but that sibling assumes that we’ll be calling, so he waits.

Even before the pandemic, loneliness and isolation were rampant, causing disruptive consequences and costing businesses billions of dollars:

22% of new hires leave in the first 45 days due to feeling disconnected
Cost of losing a new hire in the first year: approximately 3x salary
Simply by ensuring that a mentor connects promptly and directly with a new hire, loneliness decreases and retention increases.

People are pivoting, now more than ever: new to role, new to skill, new to leadership, new to working at home. And with new, comes fear and isolation.

As a boss, a mentor, a colleague, or a friend, it’s imperative that we make the first move before loneliness sets in – ours and theirs.

And it’s as simple as starting with, “I’ve been thinking about you…”

[Flash] Stop Trying to Control the World – Just Understand It

I saw a meme recently that mocked, “So in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to: ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’”

In view of the pandemic, this joke is amusing. But it also underscores the absurdity of that question by highlighting two dominating assumptions: control and certainty.

A team of researchers published a study on the remarkable relationship between uncertainty and stress, reporting that uncertainty is even more stressful than knowing something bad is definitely going to happen. (https://doi.org/10.1038/ncomms10996)

We fear uncertainty. And consequently, we value control. More than any other ability, we greatly admire it in others and applaud it in ourselves.

Historian and author Yuval Noah Harari wrote, “We spend far more time and effort on trying to control the world than on trying to understand it…

“… and even when we try to understand it, we usually do so in the hope that understanding the world will make it easier to control it.”

But control is not the solution to quell our fear of uncertainty. Studies show that the odds of us facing adversity are not 50%, but 100%. It’s inevitable.

The only real certainty is uncertainty.

Thus, our options:

Surrender: breeds stress, fear, despondency
Adapt to change: be flexible, manage emotions, choose to respond, not react
Seek understanding: reflect, explore, examine, connect, seek diverse perspectives

Understanding begets empathy and compassion for ourselves and others. It kindles our commitment to resiliency. It strengthens trust. In life, at work, and in relationships, it is our superpower.

Let’s stop clearing paths for people, fueling a fictional world of certainty and control.

Instead, let’s prepare people to embrace uncertainty by working on understanding each other and the world, instead of trying to control it. That’s our responsibility as leaders, parents, and mentors.