Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead

[Flash] We Don’t Convince People. People Convince Themselves.

I grew up on a tiny farm where we raised some pigs, a few horses, several cows, and a flock of chickens. Unlike most farmers, we named our animals (ex: Miss Piggy and Boss Hog), and then we ate them.

Today I am a vegetarian.

I remember some obnoxious guy once tried to convince me to be a vegetarian. With each argument he made, I dug in and ardently embraced my carnivorism.

Years later I worked on a project with one of my favorite clients, Jennifer – she is interesting, benevolent, unflappable, and athletic. After a meeting, we were chatting about our families. She mentioned offhandedly that because she had been a vegetarian her whole life, she typically prepares two meals every night – one for her herself and one for her husband and son.

I was intrigued – I didn’t know any vegetarians other than Mr. Obnoxious. In the weeks following my conversation with Jennifer, I researched, ruminated, reflected, and resolved to experiment. That was nine years ago, and I haven’t eaten meat since.

No one convinced me with their arguments or reasoning. And frankly no amount of debating, disputing, or disgracing would have convinced me to attempt any type of diet – vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, Keto, Atkins, etc.

In fact, research shows that people resist ideas that are handed to them. They prefer ideas they feel they came up with themselves. Exactly! I adopted it because I felt like I came up with it myself!

We don’t convince people. People convince themselves.

All we can do is influence people. How?
Through…

our actions
our integrity
our veracity
our empathy
our curiosity
our commitments
our choices

Not through:

our anger
our threats
our bullying
our judgment
our criticism
our righteousness
our piousness

As bosses, mentors, and parents, we cannot convince our people to be happy, enthused, motivated, driven, kind, compassionate, or generous.

All we can do is constantly demonstrate these behaviors and trust that they’re watching.

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

[Flash] Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Not Coming (and Why It’s OK to Ask Someone to Be Your Mentor)

I have been a proponent of formal mentoring long before the pandemic made it essential.

Why? Because in a world seduced by the urgent, formal mentoring forces us to prioritize that which is important.

Recently I facilitated a kick-off of a formal mentoring program that was purposefully designed to help newer team members connect with their colleagues. I introduced the formal structure stocked with assigned matches, goal worksheets, calendar invites, pre-meeting agendas, post-meeting notes, a mid-point roundtable, a final showcase of results, and a deliverable.

At the end of the kick-off, one of the mentors raised her hand (on Zoom), and asked, “I don’t understand why we need all of this formality. Can’t we just casually get to know each other and develop relationships?”

To which I replied candidly, “Of course you can! But you’ve been working with these new colleagues for the past two years. You’ve had ample opportunity to casually get to know them and develop relationships with them. And yet you didn’t.”

Conceding, she grimaced and nodded.

Many people argue that we should not ask people to be our mentor because it’s inauthentic, forced, burdensome, even awkward. Instead, they contend that mentoring should evolve organically.

I thought that was a horrible idea even before the pandemic closed the doors on those casual, chance hallway meetings, and forced everyone onto Zoom.

Why the subterfuge? Why take a cagey, covert approach to seeking mentorship? Why not be transparent? Tell people directly that you want to learn from them!

By designating someone a “Mentor,” you:

Reveal your admiration for them
Boost their self-esteem
Communicate respect for their wisdom
Trigger their pro-social behavior to make a difference
Add purpose to your conversations with them

Of course, some relationships develop organically without formal titles. But why wait for that to happen to you when you can intentionally create it for you?

By embracing formal mentoring programs and relationships, you can proactively leverage the opportunity.

You shouldn’t feel lucky when you get sage advice from a mentor. You should feel bold and brilliant!

[Flash] Fervent Resolution is the Secret Sauce

I just moved home after 25 years. I grew up in St. Charles, IL, moved to San Francisco for an adventure and work, moved to New Jersey for marriage, and returned to St. Charles for my family (with my husband in tow!).

But this big move did not come without months of sifting through piles, purging, and packing.

During this arduous process, I discovered a few especially important things about myself:

I really hate throwing things away.Among other treasures, I found my PalmPilot, my loved-to-death BlackBerry, my Blockbuster membership card, offer letters from employers, interoffice memos I wrote for my first boss, and a stack of parking tickets (that cost me a small fortune).
I can easily get distracted by new shiny projects.In these piles, I also uncovered many incomplete projects – ideas I started and then abandoned for something alluring.
When I deeply (even audaciously) commit to something, I execute with maniacal intention.I unearthed memories from my bike ride across the country, the eight-city women’s conference I created, my book-writing journey, and the launch (and iterations) of my company. I was reminded of what I can accomplish when I’m not derailed by clutter, chaos, and self-criticism.

Taped to my 2003 appointment calendar (yes, I kept this too…), I found my favorite quote that underscores the power of fervent resolution:

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy,
the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is
one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills
countless ideas and splendid plans:

That the moment one definitely commits oneself,
then Providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one
that would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issue from the decision,
raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents
and meetings and material assistance,
which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

So I’ve taped this to the wall in my new home office… I’m ready for less grime, more grit, less chaos, more courage!

[Flash] The Power of Passion, Projects, and Peers

Last week we held Mid-Point Presentations in the Louisiana Action Coalition (LAC) Mentorship Program, a development program designed to prepare nurse managers to lead powerfully.

In the program, mentees create and execute projects that stretch and develop their leadership skills. During the mid-point, they report out to their peers their progress and learnings.

When we launched this year’s program, we were not engulfed in a pandemic. But soon thereafter, the world shut down.

Understandably, some participants were forced to withdraw from the program due to surge preparations at their hospital.

Others, however, persevered with the program despite being overwhelmed, overworked, and under-prepared for the unpredictability of this crisis.

Today they are in the heart of their journey, radically testing their leadership, already making a difference.

The secret?

Passion
Projects
Peers

Passion Projects: The nurse manager mentees are pursuing substantial projects borne out of their passion. Some examples:

Jenn is launching a peer alliance at her hospital to support front-line medical workers suffering from stress and PTSD.
Lyndi is improving the low morale in her Emergency Department resulting from virus safety concerns.
Denise is innovating her teaching strategies to ensure new nurse grads learn about group dynamics and collaboration before ever joining a unit.
Deborah is tackling courageous conversations to address racism and teen pregnancy.
Rachel is standardizing critical care skills.

Peers
Research shows that more than 70% of people who share their goals with their peers and provide regular updates, accomplish their goals. Conversely, when people keep their goals to themselves, only 35% are successful.

Knowing the power of peers, we designed the structure of the LAC Mentorship Program to ensure participants are regularly sharing their passion projects and their progress with their mentors and peers in the program.

This not only drives accountability; it ignites enthusiasm and inspires all the participants in the program (including the program leaders!).

Are you leveraging your passion, projects, and peers to catapult your own leadership?

[Flash] Change It or Choose It!

When I lived in San Francisco, I worked in the South Bay. I detested my daily commute: 45 minutes without traffic; 1.5-2 hours during rush hour.

Every morning I dreaded the drive and procrastinated rising. I was regularly late to work; I lacked energy to exercise; and I was gaining weight!

Something had to change. I needed to add a compelling force to my routine.

So, I took an indoor cycling certification class and agreed to teach the 6:00AM spin class at the YMCA near my office. Suddenly, I was eagerly waking up early, avoiding traffic, and exercising!

In every situation, we get to change it or choose it.

There will constantly be circumstances we cannot change: traffic, weather, other people. But we can always change our attitude, our aptitude, our assumptions, and our actions.

If we are unwilling or unable to change something, we must admit that we are choosing it, as it is. Otherwise, we fall powerless to it.

Naturally, change-it-or-choose-it triggers resistance. Change can be uncomfortable, complicated, or inconvenient, while choosing feels weak. So, we default to momentarily cathartic whining.

But like change, choice is powerful. It releases the grip of resistance and grievance. It bolsters the victor in us and ousts the victim.

As a boss or a mentor, we can guide others to change or choose:

Allow people to vent, without judgment or solutions
Confirm their commitment in the situation (ex: project success, delighted client, continued growth, positive relationships, emotional health, leadership opportunities)
Ask: What can you change about this situation?
Ask: What are you willing to choose?
Ask: What issue is not on either list?
Explore all issues until each becomes a change or a choice, clearing space to serve the commitment

When we’re staring at the lollipop we didn’t want, it’s easy to forget that we’re standing in the middle of a candy shop!

[Flash] From FOMO to JOMO (The Gift of the Pandemic)

It’s been months since I’ve heard people (including me) humblebrag, “I’m so busy!” (and I don’t miss it.)

We have been trained to hustle. And this hustle is often fueled by our fear of missing out (FOMO), especially from exciting events paraded on social media.

The hustle culture is pervasive. According to a 2016 HBR study, busy people are perceived as high status with social mobility. Apparently when we boast about our “crazy schedules,” others assume we are in demand, which makes us look and feel important.

And then the pandemic hit, bringing our busyness to a screeching halt.

Now busy being busy feels so 2019!

Last July researchers from over 60 countries gathered to share cutting-edge insights on the science of well-being.

They explored 3 emerging pathways to happiness:

Positive solitude: time for contemplation, reflection, creativity
Feeling active: energetic, vigorous, and vital
Future-mindedness: creating big dreams anchored by pragmatic plans

These pathways to happiness at once sounded aspirational. But instantly the pandemic gifted us a reprieve from FOMO and an opportunity to experience the joy of missing out (JOMO*)!

How to embrace JOMO:

Understand the Why before the What
Why are we doing this? Why is it important? Outcome over tactics; goals over tasks
Under-complicate things
Increase efficiency and productivity to allot time to think strategically about work and life
Revitalize energy
Leverage exercise, food, sleep, hobbies, and spending time with people you care most about
Pay attention to only that which you can control
Stop doomscrolling through newsfeeds
Declutter, figuratively and literally
What is distracting you from what is important?
Commit to a passion project
Act on an intent-based idea

Actor Tony Hale (Gary from Veep!) reflected this week, “We need to focus on what this experience is giving us vs. what it is taking away.”

We don’t need more time… we just need more joy!

* The term JOMO was simultaneously coined by CEO Anil Dash and by venture capitalist Patrick McGinnis

[Flash] Take What You Need. Leave the Rest (Advice on Giving Advice)

My courageous, adventurous stepson Jack is moving across the country to serve in AmeriCorps.

Preparing for our own move, my husband and I have been zealously decluttering and purging.

And as the pile of stuff to be donated mushrooms, I realized that Jack could use a lot of it – AmeriCorps pays a stipend and he’s never lived on his own.

My immediate instinct was to retrieve from the pile everything that I think Jack will need.

And then I recalled one of the key strategies to giving someone advice: grant them permission to take what they need and leave the rest.

My pile of hand-me-down housewares is like sage advice: earned, enjoyed, and worthwhile… from my perspective, not necessarily from Jack’s.

Giving advice, while grounded on altruism, risks being received as judgment and criticism.

But when we offer advice like an option, we allow the advice receiver the power to choose or reject our advice, and we acknowledge that they might need to take a different path than ours.

So instead of handing him things, I offered Jack the opportunity to sort through the pile before I headed to Goodwill. I said, “When I moved out on my own, I was grateful for anything I didn’t have to spend money on. Take what you need and leave the rest.” And then I walked away.

As soon as I let go of the need to impose my advice (my hand-me-down housewares) on Jack, I could focus on conveying a more important message: he’s in charge of his own success.

Whether we are offering advice as a leader, a mentor, or a parent, we can make a bigger difference if we remember that people may or may not benefit from our advice. But they’ll always appreciate our confidence in their ability to choose their own path.

Take what you need. Leave the rest.

[Flash] You Are Only As Good As You Are On Your Own

The new superhero, action-thriller The Old Guard shares the story of a covert team of immortal mercenaries led by Charlize Theron who mentors the new team member played by Kiki Layne.

In separate promotional interviews for the movie, Charlize and Kiki each reflected on their own mentor-mentee experience in making the film:

Kiki: Being able to watch Charlize, her confidence, and her knowledge was super inspiring! Charlize knows what she wants and she’s not going to sacrifice her integrity in the process. I learned from her that I don’t have to give up who I am to get where I want to go.

Charlize: Kiki was inspiring to be around! It’s a misconception that the one with the experience and age brings everything to the table. We trained together, and every day Kiki would show up, all in. It made me want to show up all in. We pushed each other.

As demonstrated by Charlize and Kiki, we watch each other’s actions and behaviors to shape and mold our own, regardless of who is the mentor or mentee. In behavioral science, this is called “social cognitive theory.”

It’s a powerful influence – we are constantly taking cues from each other.

Whether we are the boss, colleague, mentor, or mentee, we mentor each other through our actions, even inadvertently.

While this superpower is currently challenged by our socially-distanced, remote reality, we can unleash it through simple, intentionally-created interactions:

Use video conferencing, not just the phone
Turn on your video camera and invite people into your world
Use email, phone, and texts to communicate, “I was thinking of you…”
Invite others to observe/contribute to a meeting or presentation
Connect people to advocate their mutual interests
Create small work groups to collaborate on projects
Voice your support for an initiative, a program, a person

Charlize concluded with sage advice: “You are only as good as you are on your own. Then it’s the partner you have and where they take you.”

It’s time to purposefully create more partnerships!