Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead

[Flash] Take What You Need. Leave the Rest (Advice on Giving Advice)

My courageous, adventurous stepson Jack is moving across the country to serve in AmeriCorps.

Preparing for our own move, my husband and I have been zealously decluttering and purging.

And as the pile of stuff to be donated mushrooms, I realized that Jack could use a lot of it – AmeriCorps pays a stipend and he’s never lived on his own.

My immediate instinct was to retrieve from the pile everything that I think Jack will need.

And then I recalled one of the key strategies to giving someone advice: grant them permission to take what they need and leave the rest.

My pile of hand-me-down housewares is like sage advice: earned, enjoyed, and worthwhile… from my perspective, not necessarily from Jack’s.

Giving advice, while grounded on altruism, risks being received as judgment and criticism.

But when we offer advice like an option, we allow the advice receiver the power to choose or reject our advice, and we acknowledge that they might need to take a different path than ours.

So instead of handing him things, I offered Jack the opportunity to sort through the pile before I headed to Goodwill. I said, “When I moved out on my own, I was grateful for anything I didn’t have to spend money on. Take what you need and leave the rest.” And then I walked away.

As soon as I let go of the need to impose my advice (my hand-me-down housewares) on Jack, I could focus on conveying a more important message: he’s in charge of his own success.

Whether we are offering advice as a leader, a mentor, or a parent, we can make a bigger difference if we remember that people may or may not benefit from our advice. But they’ll always appreciate our confidence in their ability to choose their own path.

Take what you need. Leave the rest.

[Flash] You Are Only As Good As You Are On Your Own

The new superhero, action-thriller The Old Guard shares the story of a covert team of immortal mercenaries led by Charlize Theron who mentors the new team member played by Kiki Layne.

In separate promotional interviews for the movie, Charlize and Kiki each reflected on their own mentor-mentee experience in making the film:

Kiki: Being able to watch Charlize, her confidence, and her knowledge was super inspiring! Charlize knows what she wants and she’s not going to sacrifice her integrity in the process. I learned from her that I don’t have to give up who I am to get where I want to go.

Charlize: Kiki was inspiring to be around! It’s a misconception that the one with the experience and age brings everything to the table. We trained together, and every day Kiki would show up, all in. It made me want to show up all in. We pushed each other.

As demonstrated by Charlize and Kiki, we watch each other’s actions and behaviors to shape and mold our own, regardless of who is the mentor or mentee. In behavioral science, this is called “social cognitive theory.”

It’s a powerful influence – we are constantly taking cues from each other.

Whether we are the boss, colleague, mentor, or mentee, we mentor each other through our actions, even inadvertently.

While this superpower is currently challenged by our socially-distanced, remote reality, we can unleash it through simple, intentionally-created interactions:

Use video conferencing, not just the phone
Turn on your video camera and invite people into your world
Use email, phone, and texts to communicate, “I was thinking of you…”
Invite others to observe/contribute to a meeting or presentation
Connect people to advocate their mutual interests
Create small work groups to collaborate on projects
Voice your support for an initiative, a program, a person

Charlize concluded with sage advice: “You are only as good as you are on your own. Then it’s the partner you have and where they take you.”

It’s time to purposefully create more partnerships!

[Flash] Are Mentees Tangential? Is it Actually All About the Mentors?

Have we had the spotlight on the wrong participant this whole time?
What if mentoring is really all about the Mentor?
What if the Mentee is simply tangential?

A recent study found that people actually benefit more from giving advice than from receiving it.

Because giving advice compels people (Mentors) to re-evaluate themselves and their environments from a different perspective.

What if the person who is new to company, new to role, new to skill, or new to leadership (aka the Mentee) is merely just a vehicle to allow the Mentor the experience of reflecting, examining, sharing, and then reinforcing their own wisdom?

A Mentor in one of our programs, Chris shared, “Being a mentor forced me to critically think about my success as a leader so I could communicate that to my Mentee. And then I noticed that I started applying my own advice to lead my team better – lessons that I had previously forgotten. Suddenly I was a better leader, and I wasn’t even the one getting mentored!”

Like Chris, each time I mentor someone, the process surprises me. By imparting insights and advice, my leadership improves, and my confidence gets a boost!

Here’s more evidence of mentoring’s significant impact on Mentors:

Mentors are 6x more likely to get a promotion than people who don’t mentor (vs. Mentees are 5x)
28% of Mentors get a raise (vs. 25% of Mentees and 5% of managers who do not serve as a Mentor)
90% of Mentors rediscover their unique perspectives, recall and redeploy wisdom earned, strengthen their own skills

Of course Mentees benefit from mentoring! But that’s table stakes in this game. Why settle for minimum expectations in your program or for your own participation?

When mentoring has the power to upskill the Mentor in every conversation, in every relationship, in every program… why wouldn’t you readily, consistently, and enthusiastically mentor others?

[Flash] Prevent Loneliness… Make the First Move!

In a scene from the feel-good, buddy-drama, The Green Book, Dr. Don Shirley was explaining to Tony Vallelonga why he is no longer in communication with his family. Tony bluntly and insightfully responded, “You should get in touch. The world is full of lonely people waiting to make the first move.”

I admit, I’ve engaged in similar behavior – I once purposefully did not call a friend. Frankly, I cannot remember if we had an altercation, but I do recall righteously feeling that she needed to call me.

Nevertheless, after a while I missed her, so I reached out. We instantly rekindled our friendship.

Why do we periodically wait for a friend, a boss, a colleague, or a mentoring partner to make the first move?

Because we project onto other people our own (uncommunicated) expectations or assumptions:

We expect our boss to ask us about the project we’ve been driving. Our boss is frustrated that we haven’t sent an update.
We expect our mentor to reach out with sage advice. Our mentor feels like he’s not needed since we never called.
We expect a colleague to schedule our monthly lunch together. That colleague is upset that we haven’t reached out to congratulate her on her promotion.
We expect a sibling to call for the holidays, but that sibling assumes that we’ll be calling, so he waits.

Even before the pandemic, loneliness and isolation were rampant, causing disruptive consequences and costing businesses billions of dollars:

22% of new hires leave in the first 45 days due to feeling disconnected
Cost of losing a new hire in the first year: approximately 3x salary
Simply by ensuring that a mentor connects promptly and directly with a new hire, loneliness decreases and retention increases.

People are pivoting, now more than ever: new to role, new to skill, new to leadership, new to working at home. And with new, comes fear and isolation.

As a boss, a mentor, a colleague, or a friend, it’s imperative that we make the first move before loneliness sets in – ours and theirs.

And it’s as simple as starting with, “I’ve been thinking about you…”

[Flash] Stop Trying to Control the World – Just Understand It

I saw a meme recently that mocked, “So in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to: ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’”

In view of the pandemic, this joke is amusing. But it also underscores the absurdity of that question by highlighting two dominating assumptions: control and certainty.

A team of researchers published a study on the remarkable relationship between uncertainty and stress, reporting that uncertainty is even more stressful than knowing something bad is definitely going to happen. (https://doi.org/10.1038/ncomms10996)

We fear uncertainty. And consequently, we value control. More than any other ability, we greatly admire it in others and applaud it in ourselves.

Historian and author Yuval Noah Harari wrote, “We spend far more time and effort on trying to control the world than on trying to understand it…

“… and even when we try to understand it, we usually do so in the hope that understanding the world will make it easier to control it.”

But control is not the solution to quell our fear of uncertainty. Studies show that the odds of us facing adversity are not 50%, but 100%. It’s inevitable.

The only real certainty is uncertainty.

Thus, our options:

Surrender: breeds stress, fear, despondency
Adapt to change: be flexible, manage emotions, choose to respond, not react
Seek understanding: reflect, explore, examine, connect, seek diverse perspectives

Understanding begets empathy and compassion for ourselves and others. It kindles our commitment to resiliency. It strengthens trust. In life, at work, and in relationships, it is our superpower.

Let’s stop clearing paths for people, fueling a fictional world of certainty and control.

Instead, let’s prepare people to embrace uncertainty by working on understanding each other and the world, instead of trying to control it. That’s our responsibility as leaders, parents, and mentors.

[Flash] Distracted by Pandemic Potholes? Beware of Target Fixation!

I had high expectations for 2020. I was going to:

officiate my first wedding… cancelled!
vacation with my mom… cancelled!
attend the AONL Conference in Nashville… cancelled!
bike the NYC Five Boro Bike Tour… cancelled!
speak at 15 different conferences… cancelled!
throw myself a surprise birthday party… cancelled!

Like everyone else, I now have a long, growing list of things I’m not doing this year.

But my fixation on this list became a personal and professional hazard.

Bicyclists and motorcyclists call this Target Fixation – a common cause of crashes.

Target Fixation is a phenomenon where our brain focuses intently on an obstacle in front of us and ignores alternative, even obvious paths. It’s predominant in stressful situations.

Cyclists fear broken glass, rumble strips, and potholes. But staring at these obstacles we want to avoid inadvertently increases the likelihood that we’ll ride right into them.

Why? Because our wheel goes wherever we fixate our attention. We aim where we focus.

The solution? Cyclists (like me!) are taught to notice the pothole, but then re-focus on the road around the pothole.

Nevertheless, when challenged by a pandemic riddled with obstacles, I suddenly found myself trapped by Target Fixation – distracted by the obstacles: social distancing, masks, disinfectants, cancelled plans! Suddenly, I was stuck in the valley of despair! Resilience resistant.

To get unstuck, I had to intentionally shift my focus to the path around the pandemic potholes. How? By creating fresh solutions and interesting projects:

I’m delivering a new webinar called “Crisis Mentoring” (details below)
I’m launching Virtual Think Tanks for our clients to mentor each other
I’m speaking at virtual conferences
I’m writing a proposal for my next book
I’m inhaling episodes of Schitt’s Creek instead of the news
I’m learning to juggle

Stare at the road you want to ride on, not the road you want to avoid. Literally and figuratively.

[Flash] After the Outrage and the Protests, Start Mentoring

I’m not a political commentator. And I’m not a diversity consultant. I am an expert in creating mentoring solutions to strengthen people through important pivots (e.g., new to company, new to role, new to leadership). So I’m always looking for pivots.

Unequivocally, the events across the country this past week are demanding, even begging for, a pivot.

But after the outrage and the protests, what can we do individually and locally to engender a more diverse and inclusive society and workplace? Start mentoring.

“Ultimately this issue won’t just be resolved through laws and policies, but also at the human-to-human connection level,” Dana Brownlee, author of “Here are 10 Actions You Can Take to Promote Racial Justice in the Workplace.”

Brownlee continues, “Fear is often the root of bigotry, and one of the best antidotes for erasing fear is knowledge and familiarity.”

Frank Dobbin and his peers argue in the Harvard Business Review article entitled, “Diversity Management in Corporate America,” “It’s difficult to train away stereotypes. But mentoring programs offer a welcomed opportunity to engage in the solution instead of stare at the problem.”

Another HBR article entitled “Everyone Who Makes It Has a Mentor” asserts that mentors serve as the social connections that are critical to success at work and in life.

Here’s how the magic of mentoring instills diversity and inclusion:

Intentionally place diverse employees in direct contact with people who are connected, who can help them move up, who can offer advice, and who can open doors.
Through the experience of getting to know these diverse employees in a more intimate way and cultivating connections with and for them, “people who are connected” typically divest their stereotypes organically.

This creates a more diverse and inclusive culture created by the people instead of merely forced upon the people.

“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” ~ James Baldwin, novelist and playwright.

[Flash] Embarrassed? Fabulous! Share it to Connect and Collaborate

When I needed to strengthen the connection with my stepdaughter, I didn’t regale her with my accomplishments. I told her an embarrassing story: I was an 8th grade cheerleader-in-training when I asked the entire team during a practice how to spell that strange word they kept shouting in their cheer: L-E-T-S-G-O! My stepdaughter and I laughed hysterically and instantly bonded.

When I need to build trust with mentees, I don’t brag about my achievements. I start with an embarrassing story: I was on stage to keynote a conference when I discovered that my shirt was inside out, and then my pants ripped… in the seat! We laugh and connect, and my mentees immediately feel safe.

And now all my cringe-worthy-story-sharing is backed by research!

A study done by the Kellogg School of Management shows that embarrassment can actually be a gateway to connection, creativity, and collaboration.

Participants in the study who shared embarrassing moments before a brainstorming session generated a larger number (26% more!) and a wider range (15% more categories!) of ideas than those who shared proud moments.

Proud-moment sharing is typically used to boost participant confidence at the beginning of meetings. Inadvertently, this approach causes people to edit their contributions later. Why? Because the resulting air of achievement ultimately suffocates those anything-less-than-brilliant ideas.

But when participants reveal an embarrassing anecdote, they shed their barrier of self-censorship, allowing community and creativity to thrive!

How?

Embarrassment at the start alleviates the fear of embarrassment later
Human stories are captivating, immediately engaging people in the meeting
Identifying similar experiences helps people feel connected
Being vulnerable increases communal empathy and trust
Admitting blunders makes it safe for all to blunder while ideating and brainstorming
Reflecting on our survival-from-embarrassing-moments reinforces our own resilience

If your Zoom/Teams/WebEx calls are getting a bit stale, experiment with an embarrassing-story swap to accelerate the connection, creativity, and collaboration!

As the late filmmaker Nora Ephron (When Harry Met Sally) often said, “Everything is copy.”