Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead

[Flash] I Hate Surprises (and If You’re a Leader, You Should Too)

Last week was my birthday, and I planned my own dinner party with my family. I chose the people, the food, and the activity. I even picked out my own gift (much to my husband’s relief!).

And because there were no surprises, I wasn’t stressed, frustrated, or disappointed. Instead, I enjoyed the anticipation beforehand, and I was fully present, engaged, and delighted throughout!

I hate surprises.

And if you’re a leader of anything, you should hate surprises too.

Surprises happen when we:

stop paying attention
fail to communicate expectations

Typically, we get derailed by something urgent. We dive into the weeds, ignoring important indicators about our people, projects, or problems. And then we fail to clarify or confirm expectations.

The result? Surprise! … which causes confusion, distraction, upset, and even chaos. And missed opportunities to lead and unlock potential.

And it’s all unnecessary.

When you’re the leader of a program, a project, or a team, you should never be surprised. After you communicate your expectations, you should be looking for signals, asking for status, checking on progress, inviting questions, and measuring success.

Strong sales leaders never wait until the end of the quarter to discover their team’s results. Rather, they leverage weekly reports and team updates.

Even pilots are in ongoing contact with air traffic control to ensure their plane is on track to their destination.

So when I met up with Marcel last year, I was bewildered by his whim for surprise! He was headed to the closing celebration for the mentoring program he launched. He said, “I’m so excited! I cannot wait to hear how it went for my Mentors and Mentees!”

Leaders should never get to the end of a program, a project, or a quarter and wonder how it went.

Because we can’t course-correct if there is no longer a course.

Hate surprises. Love expectations.

[Flash] When Your Mentee Says Thanks for Pushing Me to Be Brave

When I matched Tom and Lucy in the Rising Star Mentoring Program, Tom called me with apprehension, “Ann, I’m not sure about this. Lucy is a technical writer. I’m a sales guy. What could I possibly teach her?”

I responded, “Tom, you’re a leader. Your job is to be Lucy’s champion as she develops her own leadership. You will make a difference simply by sharing your unique perspectives, advice, and ideas.”

Hesitant but committed, he persevered on the journey.

Shortly after the program ended, the company restructured, and Lucy lost her job. Following an intense job search and through her tenacity, she landed a new opportunity.

Last week Lucy sent Tom a message on LinkedIn. (How do I know? Because Tom proudly sent me a screenshot!)

“Tom, I wanted to share the latest good news with you – I accepted a job offer! Your mentoring paid off. I was asked to give a presentation to the interviewers, and they liked my stories which made the interview less intimidating. Thanks for pushing me to be brave!“

Recently published research at the Kellogg School of Management explains Tom’s experience – mentoring is most valuable when we share tacit knowledge.

It’s not conveying codified knowledge that changes the game – Lucy didn’t need a mentor to improve her technical writing.

It’s the imparting of unwritten wisdom that makes the biggest difference – that which is intuitive and gained through work experience.

Further in their research, Kellogg Professor of Leadership Brian Uzzi and his team identified the secret to significant mentoring: teach mentees to think independently and communicate their unique viewpoints effectively.

Tom’s mentoring was impactful, not because he taught Lucy codified skills, but because, by sharing his own experiences, insights, and perceptions, Tom helped Lucy to think independently, communicate effectively, and connect with confidence and courage.

Thanks for pushing your mentee to be brave, Tom!

[Flash] Missed Expectations are the Greatest Threat to Your People’s Success

In 1993, Chinese Northern Airlines Flight 6901 was en route from Beijing to Xinjiang. The Chinese pilots were flying a U.S.-built McDonnell Douglas MD-82 airliner and attempting to land in dense fog.

Suddenly an alarm went off in the cockpit warning the pilots of their dangerous proximity to the ground. But the pilots were baffled by the alarm and the accompanying warning. One crew member asked another in Chinese, “What does ‘pull up’ mean?” Moments later, the plane crashed. The McDonnell Douglas engineers and the pilots had each made grave assumptions.

Assumptions Breed Missed Expectations

Whether you lead a mentoring program, a project team, or a business, missed expectations are the greatest threat to your people’s success.

Following any communication, we all establish expectations. Typically, these are implied and result in assumptions.

For example, you and I decide that our project necessitates regular updates. I assume the word “regular” means you want a weekly update; you assume you are going to receive a daily update from me. When I update you on Friday, you’re upset that you haven’t heard from me in five days, while I’m proud of myself for getting you a project update on time.

That’s a missed expectation.

It is the cause of every frustration, conflict, and altercation, personally and professionally. It breeds distrust and negativity in your program, on your team, and in your culture. If unaddressed or ignored, feelings fester, resulting in anger, disengagement, even attrition.

And it can be entirely prevented.

How? By assuming from the outset that there are assumptions. By being curious about those assumptions. By taking actions to confirm or negate those assumptions.

And here’s why setting expectations is so crucial in any program, on any team, in any relationship…

By working on the commitments and clarifying the outcomes, you are setting up the other person for success. You are making their experience your priority.

Some words to try:

Let’s clarify our expectations…
Let’s review and summarize our commitments…
To make sure I understand…
For context…
What time zone exactly?
To check myself, let me know what you heard…

Kill the phrase, “Does that make sense?” because it assumes an outcome – the outcome in which I agree that you made complete sense. But it doesn’t leave any space to examine where our expectations might be discordant.

If we are determined to avoid the malignancy of missed expectations, then we must stay fiercely vigilant and relentlessly committed. Assumptions abound!

[Flash] I’ve Never Met An Insignificant Person

I’ve never met an insignificant person.

But I have met:

People who operate as if they’re insignificant
People whose boss makes them feel insignificant
People whose leadership regards them as insignificant

And I’m always saddened by such failure of potential.

Inherently people are negatively-biased – they are constantly deflating themselves. And this battle of insignificance rages daily. People are dying to learn that they matter and that their work makes a difference.

On the opposite side is “self-delusion bias” – people tend to perform better when they feel good about themselves.

So why would we ever allow people to feel less than significant?

Our best strategy for pulling the potential out of people is to spark their self-delusion and help them avoid their self-deflation. They don’t need to be reminded of how they’re already feeling: insignificant.

An attrition problem?
When a transportation company called to describe to me their attrition problem among their drivers, I said “You don’t have an attrition problem. You have a significance problem. Attrition is merely a symptom.”

The company revealed its 6-month pursuit of a solution to prevent drivers from leaving the company. Because this was costing them a lot of money, the executives were insanely focused on this problem.

And while they may have been looking, they weren’t looking around.

After analyzing the data and asking better questions, we discovered that the attrition rate was extremely low at one location compared to all others. And the differentiating factor? The supervisor! Drivers at the low-attrition location loved working with their supervisor. Drivers at other locations did not.

Ultimately, it was not about the drivers not driving anymore; it was about the leaders not leading anymore.

Once the executives shifted their focus to up-skilling their supervisors, everyone quickly discovered the power and passion behind: “I’ve never met an insignificant person.”

[Flash] Kinder Than is Necessary (Why Peter Pan Author Would Love Your Mentoring)

My niece and nephew were aghast when they learned that I had not read the book Wonder by author R.J. Palacio.

So I immediately obtained a copy and inhaled it. Such a sweet, thoughtful, soul-fueling book!

It’s the story of Auggie, a boy born with a rare facial deformity, as he starts middle school, afraid to meet a world that is afraid to meet him. Ultimately he inspires his peers to see past his disfiguration and discover who he really is.

In the principal’s graduation speech, he reflects on how his students were transformed by the experience.

He quotes James M Barrie (author of Peter Pan) who wrote in his book The Little White Bird, “Shall we make a new rule of life… always try to be a little kinder than is necessary.”

What an aspirational approach to life! Let’s dissect it to apply it…

Being kind:

doing good and conferring happiness
being gracious, polite, patient, considerate, and friendly

Basically, the essential rules we learned in kindergarten for playing well with others.

Therefore, when we are “kinder than is necessary,” we outshine our shine. We exceed the elementary expectations we have of each other as human beings.

Evidence of people being “kinder than is necessary” is in abundance – especially in times of tragedy and crisis – we just need to notice and appreciate. (For a morning jolt of evidence, I subscribe to GoodNewsNetwork (goodnewsnetwork.org) and Morning Smile (inspiremore.com).)

But how do we bring “kinder than is necessary” to work?

Assist colleagues when it’s not your job
Recognize others’ contributions
Acknowledge people’s progress
Repeat the good stuff you hear about others
Stop repeating the bad stuff

And how can we lead from “kinder than is necessary”?

Advocate for people
Offer opportunities to stretch, learn, grow, and connect
Create situations for their visibility and exposure

And one of my favorite “kinder than is necessary” acts? Mentoring!

When we mentor others,

we prioritize someone else’s goals,
we look for ways to contribute to their success,
we share advice, perspectives, ideas, resources, and insights….

… not because it’s expected or required, but because we want to make a difference – the essence of being kinder than is necessary.

Peter Pan and Auggie would be inspired!

[Flash] We Don’t Convince People. People Convince Themselves.

I grew up on a tiny farm where we raised some pigs, a few horses, several cows, and a flock of chickens. Unlike most farmers, we named our animals (ex: Miss Piggy and Boss Hog), and then we ate them.

Today I am a vegetarian.

I remember some obnoxious guy once tried to convince me to be a vegetarian. With each argument he made, I dug in and ardently embraced my carnivorism.

Years later I worked on a project with one of my favorite clients, Jennifer – she is interesting, benevolent, unflappable, and athletic. After a meeting, we were chatting about our families. She mentioned offhandedly that because she had been a vegetarian her whole life, she typically prepares two meals every night – one for her herself and one for her husband and son.

I was intrigued – I didn’t know any vegetarians other than Mr. Obnoxious. In the weeks following my conversation with Jennifer, I researched, ruminated, reflected, and resolved to experiment. That was nine years ago, and I haven’t eaten meat since.

No one convinced me with their arguments or reasoning. And frankly no amount of debating, disputing, or disgracing would have convinced me to attempt any type of diet – vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, Keto, Atkins, etc.

In fact, research shows that people resist ideas that are handed to them. They prefer ideas they feel they came up with themselves. Exactly! I adopted it because I felt like I came up with it myself!

We don’t convince people. People convince themselves.

All we can do is influence people. How?
Through…

our actions
our integrity
our veracity
our empathy
our curiosity
our commitments
our choices

Not through:

our anger
our threats
our bullying
our judgment
our criticism
our righteousness
our piousness

As bosses, mentors, and parents, we cannot convince our people to be happy, enthused, motivated, driven, kind, compassionate, or generous.

All we can do is constantly demonstrate these behaviors and trust that they’re watching.

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

[Flash] Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Not Coming (and Why It’s OK to Ask Someone to Be Your Mentor)

I have been a proponent of formal mentoring long before the pandemic made it essential.

Why? Because in a world seduced by the urgent, formal mentoring forces us to prioritize that which is important.

Recently I facilitated a kick-off of a formal mentoring program that was purposefully designed to help newer team members connect with their colleagues. I introduced the formal structure stocked with assigned matches, goal worksheets, calendar invites, pre-meeting agendas, post-meeting notes, a mid-point roundtable, a final showcase of results, and a deliverable.

At the end of the kick-off, one of the mentors raised her hand (on Zoom), and asked, “I don’t understand why we need all of this formality. Can’t we just casually get to know each other and develop relationships?”

To which I replied candidly, “Of course you can! But you’ve been working with these new colleagues for the past two years. You’ve had ample opportunity to casually get to know them and develop relationships with them. And yet you didn’t.”

Conceding, she grimaced and nodded.

Many people argue that we should not ask people to be our mentor because it’s inauthentic, forced, burdensome, even awkward. Instead, they contend that mentoring should evolve organically.

I thought that was a horrible idea even before the pandemic closed the doors on those casual, chance hallway meetings, and forced everyone onto Zoom.

Why the subterfuge? Why take a cagey, covert approach to seeking mentorship? Why not be transparent? Tell people directly that you want to learn from them!

By designating someone a “Mentor,” you:

Reveal your admiration for them
Boost their self-esteem
Communicate respect for their wisdom
Trigger their pro-social behavior to make a difference
Add purpose to your conversations with them

Of course, some relationships develop organically without formal titles. But why wait for that to happen to you when you can intentionally create it for you?

By embracing formal mentoring programs and relationships, you can proactively leverage the opportunity.

You shouldn’t feel lucky when you get sage advice from a mentor. You should feel bold and brilliant!

[Flash] Fervent Resolution is the Secret Sauce

I just moved home after 25 years. I grew up in St. Charles, IL, moved to San Francisco for an adventure and work, moved to New Jersey for marriage, and returned to St. Charles for my family (with my husband in tow!).

But this big move did not come without months of sifting through piles, purging, and packing.

During this arduous process, I discovered a few especially important things about myself:

I really hate throwing things away.Among other treasures, I found my PalmPilot, my loved-to-death BlackBerry, my Blockbuster membership card, offer letters from employers, interoffice memos I wrote for my first boss, and a stack of parking tickets (that cost me a small fortune).
I can easily get distracted by new shiny projects.In these piles, I also uncovered many incomplete projects – ideas I started and then abandoned for something alluring.
When I deeply (even audaciously) commit to something, I execute with maniacal intention.I unearthed memories from my bike ride across the country, the eight-city women’s conference I created, my book-writing journey, and the launch (and iterations) of my company. I was reminded of what I can accomplish when I’m not derailed by clutter, chaos, and self-criticism.

Taped to my 2003 appointment calendar (yes, I kept this too…), I found my favorite quote that underscores the power of fervent resolution:

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy,
the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is
one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills
countless ideas and splendid plans:

That the moment one definitely commits oneself,
then Providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one
that would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issue from the decision,
raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents
and meetings and material assistance,
which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

So I’ve taped this to the wall in my new home office… I’m ready for less grime, more grit, less chaos, more courage!