This fall, Lynnae started teaching at a new school district, prompting various onboarding requirements and training.

When we connected recently, she mentioned her gender-identity training, which led to a discussion about how society had evolved since we were in school – in the 80s, we didn’t announce gender pronouns, nor had we ever heard of “gender fluidity.” We both agreed that we didn’t fully understand all the nuances.

And then Lynnae asserted, “But I don’t have to understand it. I just need to respect it.”

Her profound declaration gave me pause – was I trying too hard to understand while failing to respect?

Like every great mentor, Lynnae had twisted the figurative kaleidoscope through which I was looking – her pronouncement changed my view.

This week when Lynnae called, we explored family dynamics. I was venting, grateful to borrow her ear, appreciating her exceptional listening skills – she seeks to make a difference without encroaching.

And that’s when Lynnae echoed her view-altering perspective from our prior conversation:

“Maybe you don’t need to understand it. Maybe you just need to respect it” – there’s my BFF again mentoring me at 6:30 am! I reconsidered my grumbling…

Reflecting on what it means to “respect,” I’ve concluded that I can:

• Demonstrate kindness and patience to the other person
• Actively listen to them without criticism or disdain
• Lead with curiosity (not my judgment), “What’s that experience like?”
• Interact positively and politely, not with contempt or derision
• Recognize their learning journey – like me, they are a work in progress
• Accept that while I might not relate or agree, they have every right to their experience
• Withhold my unsolicited advice and opinions
• Refuse to disparage this person’s sojourn to their face or behind their back
• Offer space and grace to allow them to discover and grow

Respect involves treating people with goodwill without needing to change our own ideas and choices.

Respect is simply acknowledging that we are all having a human experience. I don’t need to understand yours, but I can certainly respect it.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

A month ago, she left her job, and now she’s in a funk – not a mental health crisis, just a feel-sorry-for-herself slump. And I’ve done my best to listen actively and be a champion.

But she hasn’t even reached out to her network to share that she’s looking for a new opportunity – she’s sapped, self-conscious, and stuck.

Grasping, I said, “The only way to get off the couch is to get off the couch.”

In other words, take some action! Do anything.

• Send one email
• Connect with one person on LinkedIn
• Schedule a call or a lunch
• Read an article
• Listen to a podcast
• Go for a walk – change the scenery

I work out at OrangeTheory Fitness a few times a week… and I don’t like it. In fact, I loathe running, rowing, and lifting weights at 7 am! When my alarm goes off, I hit snooze. And every time I step onto that treadmill, I count the minutes until I can step off.

But I’ve never regretted going to class. I always leave feeling energized, fit, and accomplished!

I know I’d still be in bed if I waited until I wanted to work out. And I’d definitely still be under the covers if I waited for someone else to engage or motivate me. 

I’ve learned through my own slumps that the fastest way out is simply to start moving. I get up and go – even though I rarely feel like it – because I’m committed to staying healthy.

To get off the metaphorical couch…

• Move:  take some action, no matter how small
• Ask:  questions hijack the brain, forcing us to redirect and reengage
• Consider:  “What have I learned? What can I do now and next? What can I create? Who can I connect with?”
• Commit:  for example, OrangeTheory charges me money if I don’t show up
• Ignore:  forget the feelings – focus on the commitment
• Create:  an idea, a goal, a connection, a conversation, a project, a skill, an experience
• Involve:  find a mentor, a champion, an accountability partner
• Stop:  excusing, rationalizing, justifying
• Start:  doing

We cannot be stuck and in action at the same time.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

hmmm… I thought everyone was busy “celebrating failures.”

Professor Lauren Eskreis-Winkler explains, “We don’t like to focus on our failures – even if there’s value in doing so – because it makes us feel bad about ourselves.”

So what?

Researchers noted that because failure is ego-threatening, people aren’t celebrating it; they’re avoiding it. They’re neglecting that which could help them grow!

Here’s what the researchers concluded:

• Failure is a gateway to judgment and criticism
• Failure compromises our motivation to learn
• Failure lowers our confidence
• Failure causes us to tune out

As a result of the potential judgment, demotivation, undermined self-esteem, and stupor, we stop paying attention to anything that is not successful.

And paying attention is a prerequisite to learning! It’s impossible to learn from an experience and glean information about what caused our failure if we refuse to acknowledge and explore it.

And society isn’t helping:

• Schools promote perseverance, tenacity, and grit
• Social media applauds victory, triumph, and achievement
• Resumes highlight career successes
• Performance reviews advance accomplishments

After reading this report, I asked a friend to name some of her failures. She couldn’t think of any, even though she had been fired from a job and gotten divorced.

But then I asked her, “What about your mistakes? Have any of those?” “Definitely!” she laughed, and then we exchanged stories of our favorite mistakes.

Interestingly, in this conversation…

• “Failure” felt like an indictment of character, whereas “mistake” was simply a wrong turn.
• Failure was a label; mistake was an action.
• Failure was fixed; mistake was fixable.

So, what can we do about this? How can we grow despite our contempt for failure?

• Furlough the word “failure”
• Experiment with reframing words, like “life lesson,” “practice,” “experience,” “learning opportunity,” “growth moment,” “blunder,” “gaffe,” and “user error”
• Keep asking, “What have I learned?”
• Seek insights, not culprits
• Look to others and learn from their mistakes (it’s less ego-threatening)
• Engage a mentor and reverse-engineer results (not successes, not failures, just results)

We don’t need to celebrate or pay homage to failure; we just need to welcome the growth on the other side.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

• In high school, he volunteered on a stage crew, working sound and lighting during school plays.
• He chose Stonehill College for its criminal justice program.
• In college, he spent every spring break volunteering with Habitat for Humanity.
• During summer breaks, he volunteered at ReStore, the Habitat for Humanity retail store and donation center.
• Following graduation, he moved to Detroit to serve in AmeriCorps (Peace Corps in the US), working on community safety projects.

As his two-year contract with AmeriCorps was ending, we all waited with bated breath for Jack to get a “real” job.

The journey to employ Jack has seen encouragement, cajoling, and even a bit of browbeating. I watched his dad grapple with being an anxious father, unwavering champion, and resolute mentor.

• What if you…?
• Have you thought about…?
• Should you…?
• If you don’t…

And to me, his dad would fret…

• Why isn’t he…?
• What if he doesn’t…?
• How will he…?
• Should we…?

But Jack didn’t succumb to any pressure or expectations. And he seemed entirely unfazed by his family’s barrage of unsolicited advice, helpful articles, well-intended suggestions, and sinister forewarnings.

Instead, Jack remained steadfast in his determination to find a “real” job that allowed him to serve the community.

And then he did it!

In August, Jack joined the Detroit Public Safety Headquarters working with the police on crime prevention. A dream first job for him… with salary and benefits!

Recently, Jack’s dad decided to change jobs. And what did Jack do? He offered, “Dad, you always said that other people provide fresh perspectives. Do you want me to review your resume for you?” (And the mentee becomes the mentor…)

Once again, Jack strives to make a difference, whether with one person or an entire community.

I taught him how to ride a bike, but my stepson is always teaching me how to be a better person.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Why?
The researchers surmise that those who pass up the experience are reluctant out of insecurity or an inflated sense of their abilities – they don’t believe they need any help.

The researchers argue that because of the enormous ROI that mentoring can generate, mentoring programs should be mandatory.

I disagree (and wonder if the researchers confused mentoring with training, precepting, or apprenticing).

First, no one “needs” mentoring – it’s not intended to be remedial. Instead, it’s the chance to connect, grow, expand, collaborate, and strengthen. 

Second, mandatory mentoring dilutes the ownership aspect of mentoring that fuels its power.

Finally, people eschew mentoring for only two reasons:

1. They don’t know how
2. They don’t know why

The “don’t know why” is an enormous barrier (in all areas of life!). If people don’t have a compelling reason (a goal, an aspiration, a commitment, an expectation to participate), they will choose other ways to spend their time.

5 reasons people ignore the invitation to be mentored:

1. Confusion (they don’t know how, what, where, when, or who)
2. No compelling reason (they don’t know why)
3. Already have a mentor (they don’t know why they need another one)
4. Overwhelm/time-challenged (they don’t know how to make it work)
5. Fear (which results from their don’t-know-how-or-why)

Potential Mentees! Before you overlook the opportunity to be mentored, ask yourself and others these discerning questions to explore your don’t-know-how-or-why barriers…

• What is the purpose or goal of the mentoring program?
• How would it contribute to my goals? (What are my goals?)
• Logistically, how can I participate?
• What would make it a success for me?
• Mentor, how did you leverage mentoring when you were in my role?
• How can I grow from this experience?
• Who could I meet? What could I learn?
• How will participating (or not) reflect on my reputation and commitment to connect, collaborate, contribute, and lead? 

While program leaders can improve how they engage mentees, potential mentees can improve how they engage themselves.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

There’s nothing wrong with us!

Yet the world constantly reminds us that we are broken and need fixing:

• Report cards: here’s your grade and where you fell short
• Commercials: here’s what’s wrong with you and how this product will fix it
• Feedback: here’s my “constructive criticism” to address your flaws

But if we start with the notion that we are perfect as we are, we could springboard from our strengths instead of flail from our flaws.

With “perfect as we are” as our anchor, we can eagerly and fearlessly seek suggestions, feedback, ideas, and input by asking ourselves and others:

“How can I improve from here?”

Without a need to protect our ego, we can welcome advice and perspectives, not as judgments or criticisms, but as contributions and building blocks – each block helping us to become bigger, better, bolder versions of ourselves… to be even more perfect.

So how do we find the “little improvement” that Suzuki recommends? Through a regular practice of:

• mentoring and being mentored
• reflecting on situations
• debriefing with colleagues
• attending classes and workshops
• reading (or listening to) a variety of books, podcasts
• collaborating
• using the words “Not yet”
• leading with curiosity

Now consider applying this concept while mentoring others: our mentees are perfect as they are, and they could use a little improvement.

Our job as a mentor is not to fix our mentees, but to add the building blocks that contribute to our mentees becoming bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves.

All by starting with perfect and improving from there…

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

And I’m bracing myself for the inevitable…

Before the end, someone in the program will confess, “ugh. I’m sooo busy. I haven’t even connected with my Mentor!”

Of course, you’re busy! That’s how you got into the program. By successfully doing a lot of things – by being really great at your job.

But here’s the acute reality: there is nothing urgent about mentoring.

Mentoring is important, but it is not urgent. And that’s why we need to do it.

When we are committed to leading (a team, a project, or our careers), it’s imperative that we learn how to:

1. distinguish and serve the urgent (the issues, the emergencies)
2. while making time for the important (our goals, our ambitions).

It’s a critical yet overlooked leadership skill.

What is “important”?

• growing ourselves and others
• honing skills and creating new experiences
• discovering fresh approaches and perspectives
• collaborating, innovating, and improving
• recognizing, appreciating, and celebrating others
• connecting and building trusting relationships

By participating in a mentoring relationship, we have the opportunity to practice the art of intentionally advancing the important while effectively managing the urgent.

And if we can learn how to make time for the important-but-not-urgent, we’ll have an impact at work (and in life) well beyond our job titles. 

So, how can we advance the important while managing the urgent?

• Find something to be excited about (a heart-pumping goal)
• Master communications (listening, speaking, setting expectations)
• Tackle procrastination and eliminate time-zappers
• Trust, engage, and involve the people around us
• Be eager to learn and ready to evolve

Frankly, I don’t care if participants accomplish their goals in the mentoring program. I only care that they care.

When we are intentional with our time, our relationships, and our communications, we can commit to the important-but-not-urgent, navigate the urgent, and make a difference that ripples.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

But after taking Mr. Rogina’s captivating Business Law class during my junior year, I knew I would be an attorney.

Noticing my enthusiasm, Mr. Rogina encouraged me in class, invited me to join the moot court team, and cheered me on when I shared my plans to go to law school and move to Silicon Valley to practice business law.

Mr. Rogina has since retired from teaching, served two terms as the mayor of our town, and most recently launched a podcast with another former student, Pat Crimmins. Named “Justa Coupla Guys,” the podcast provides the forum to do what they love – banter with interesting people in the community.

When life brought me back to live in my hometown last year, Mr. Rogina and I reconnected. And then he invited me to be a guest on their podcast.

At first I hesitated, thinking, Me? Why? What do I have to share? How could I contribute to this collection of local celebrity interviews?

My initial reaction reminded me of the numerous people who have resisted over the years, “Me? Be a mentor? Already? What do I have to offer someone?”

I’m always stunned by this response. Most people don’t see what the rest of us see – their greatness, their potential to contribute!

When these tentative individuals ignore their inner critics and join the mentoring program, they invariably love the experience, make a difference, and strengthen their confidence.

And then I remembered… mentors always see mentees differently than mentees see themselves. Mentors have a different vantage point, aren’t burdened with the mentee’s self-doubt and uncertainty, and can see their blind spots.

And that’s what was happening to me.

So, I said “Yes” to Mr. Rogina’s invitation despite my inclination to remain always-a-listener-never-a-guest. We recorded the episode yesterday, and it was a delightful, rejuvenating experience! Reflecting on my adventures and triumphs during our podcast bantering reignited my appetite to create more adventure in my life.

And so, 35 years after mentoring me the first time, Mr. Rogina mentored me again!

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.