Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead

[Flash] Don’t Just Be Happy. Be Useful.

I drafted a midpoint survey for a mentoring program and included this question: “Have you accomplished your goal?”

While reviewing the survey, the program leader asked, “What if they don’t have a goal?”

I replied, “Then, they wouldn’t be in the mentoring program.”

People don’t join mentoring programs because they’re bored or need new friends. They join because they have a goal, an intention, something to accomplish:

strengthening skills
improving leadership
up-leveling impact
closing knowledge gaps
preparing for a transition
expanding connections
contributing wisdom

Goals give direction and meaning to a mentoring partnership, without which many pairs flounder and even fizzle.

But articulating any of these intentions in a specific, measurable, actionable goal is a visible struggle.

Participants become challenged not by time but by clarity in purpose. They question why they are working together and how they can make a difference.

Essentially, they grapple with putting their ambition on a mission.

As a last resort, some Mentees lean on a project their boss assigned; others lean into an aspiration, like “I want to be happier.” Both courses are tenable, but they often lack the passion and mettle that mentoring deserves.

In the end, I’ve observed that people just want to be useful.

Mentors want to contribute wisdom and influence success
Mentees want to become more effective and valuable
Leaders want to make an impact with their people and in their organization
Employees want their work to matter

Let’s curtail the paralyzing pressure of capturing intention in a perfectly articulated, beautifully written goal. And instead, let’s simply explore how we can be more useful to each other in these mentoring programs, at work, and in the world.

The purpose of life is not to be happy but to be useful. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue. ~ Viktor E. Frankl

[Flash] Do You Have an Evolution Problem?

Intrepid leaders like you habitually confess to me their frustrations about the people on their team. Not surprisingly, I now have a massive (and growing) list of these aggravations. To highlight a few:

And yet, I am confident that your people do not start each day eager to be mediocre or maddening.

Nonetheless, many are.

Why? Because people are always seeking:

Safety (from judgment, criticism, blame)
Significance (importance)
Self-Rule (autonomy)

And while appeasing this ego trifecta, they get stonewalled by Chaos, Change, and Crisis.

Feeling unsafe, insignificant, and other-ruled, they resort to aggravating antics in a desperate attempt to return to Safety, Significance, and Self-rule. It becomes a soul-sucking experience for everyone on the team!

Sadly, many people who were once enthusiastic about making a difference become stuck in the valley of despair, counting days until weekends, months until vacations, and years until retirement.

(The plot twist… while you’re managing around their frustrating behaviors, you are fighting for your own Safety, Significance, and Self-Rule. And so is your boss!)

Eventually, when people quit their job to look for Safety, Significance, and Self-Rule in greener pastures, you might feel a sense of relief, distress, or even failure.

But you don’t have a behavioral problem or an attrition problem. You have an evolution problem!

These people are not evolving. They aren’t growing, improving, preparing for, or thriving through change.

If these people were evolving, they wouldn’t:

frantically protect their ego
recklessly prove their importance
childishly demand freedom without taking any responsibility for it

If you want to disrupt the disruption of people’s behaviors, stop focusing on their aggravating antics, and start focusing on their essential evolution.

Build Better Bosses Intensive
This is why I developed the Build Better Bosses Intensive: to help managers evolve and achieve a level of performance that completely transforms the results they are creating because of it.

What that means is that, with managers who want to flourish, they will experience more success, more often, more easily.

When you’re ready to uplevel yourself or your team, find a time on my calendar. Let’s have a conversation and start an evolution: http://www.scheduleyou.in/5WmLJby5B

[Flash] Decency Counts (just ask Jared Leto)

In an interview this week, Academy-Award winning actor Jared Leto shared the following about his approach to working on movie sets:

“I like to stay as focused and committed as possible. My job is to do whatever I can to show up and contribute something meaningful to the actors, the studio, and the crew. Also, it’s my job to be a pleasure to work with. To not be a pain in the [butt]. To be generous and kind to all involved. That to me is as important as the other stuff.”

In other words, he strives to be a decent human being who plays well with others.

When I helped a Chief People Officer identify her company’s key leadership attributes recently, our final list was strikingly similar to Jared Leto’s approach!

The CPO and her team interviewed executives, directors, and employees to curate an inventory of ideal characteristics, actions, behaviors, and expectations for anyone who endeavors to call themselves a leader in the organization.

The list was extensive, but a few essential themes surfaced:

commitment to solving problems
communication that contributes
growth-mindset
big-picture decision making
decency

No one submitted the word “decency” specifically. They proposed qualities like honesty, integrity, goodness, dignity, grace, empathy, compassion, kindness, patience, civility, and positivity.

But we ultimately chose “decency” because of its all-encompassing reminder of our humanity.

Some executives lobbied for the word “collaboration,” but I pushed back on that overused business buzzword. It’s impossible to collaborate if we’re not first committed to solving problems, communicating to contribute, growing and learning, being decisive, and demonstrating decency.

Does “decency” feel too soft? Let’s strengthen it with a few statistics:

50% of people quit their jobs because of their less-than-decent boss
67% of people would take a new boss over a pay raise
82% of people who quit leave for a more empathetic organization

Decency counts…at work, at home, and in the world.

Build Better Bosses and the Circle of Excellence
Need to build better, more decent bosses on your team? Join me for a complimentary mini-workshop on Wed Feb 17, entitled “Build Better Bosses,” where I’ll share more about this approach. I’ll also introduce you to the Circle of Excellence – a mastermind and mentoring program designed to evolve your good managers into great leaders. www.mentorlead.com/webinar/build-bosses

[Flash] Who Admires and Copies You?

In his 2015 letter to shareholders, Warren Buffett wrote, “Much of what you become in life depends on whom you choose to admire and copy.”

He then identified his friend and mentor, Tom Murphy, CEO of Capital Cities Communications (which acquired ABC in 1985 and merged with Disney in 1995), as the person he admired and copied.

Buffett describes his friend of 40 years as follows, “Most of what I learned about management I learned from Murph [Tom Murphy]. I kick myself because I should have applied it much earlier.”

Today Murphy’s approach is at the core of Buffett’s management philosophy: decentralization, autonomy, rigorous cost controls.

Who do you admire and copy?

These people are influencing you, either as mentors or as role-models. You admire their success and copy their approach, style, strategies, and behaviors. You observe and replicate their actions in a quest to achieve similar success.

We all need Murphys in our life – they introduce fresh ideas and bigger pictures.

But the more important question is…

Who is admiring and copying you?

Why should you care? Because this demands that we operate and produce results that others want to emulate.

With this question, we acknowledge that we always have an opportunity to influence excellence in others with our actions.

And we concede that, because people watch us, it is reckless to operate as if our actions aren’t influential.

But the goal is not to be admired for egotistical fulfillment.

The goal is to live and work in such an efficacious way that it inevitably inspires others to do the same, especially when we hold a title.

We need Buffetts in our life – they embolden us to stand taller and strive harder.

Circle of Excellence
If you want to help your managers become admired and copied leaders, send them to the Circle of Excellence. Curious? Join me for a complimentary webinar on Wed Feb 17 entitled “Build Better Bosses,” where I’ll share strategies you can use to help your managers become bigger better bolder versions of themselves, and I’ll share with you the promise of the Circle of Excellence.

Click here for the webinar: https://mentorlead.com/webinar/build-bosses/
Click here to learn about the Circle: https://mentorlead.com/circle/

[Flash] How to Mentor Yourself

We talk to ourselves… a lot. Research estimates that we generate between 12,000-70,000 thoughts a day! And of those, 80% are negative while 95% are repetitive from yesterday.

That means we spend only 5% of our day not in emotional despair or ruminating. How can we possibly put our ambition on a mission if we allow the conversations between our ears to derail us?

We must shift our thoughts from self-talk to mentor-talk.

Here’s how…

When faced with a problem, our inner monologue typically includes the word “I.” For example, “I don’t know what to say.” “How am I going to reinvent my career?” “How will I ever fix this mess?”

Based on research, Dr. Noam Shpancer, a professor at Otterbein University, advocates for “distanced self-talk” to separate from our negative emotional reactions – all that distressing and brooding.

With this technique, we replace “I” with “you.” For example, “Ann, what are you going to say?” “Ann, how are you going to reinvent your career?” “Ann, how will you fix this mess?”

It’s a simple but powerful shift with profound implications.

When our self-talk leads with “I,” we reinforce the notion that we are alone battling insurmountable problems. Understandably, we’re going to feel heightened sadness, anger, or misery!

But when our mentor-talk leads with “you,” we step back from the intensity of our emotions, allowing our analytical mind the space to identify a solution. And by detaching, we abate our anger, alleviate our aggressive behavior, restore our calm, resurrect our big-picture perspective, and refresh our empathy. All of which clears the way to cooperate with others in stressful situations.

By shifting from self-talk to mentor-talk, we can create actionable solutions, like a Mentor would embolden us to do.

For when we mentor ourselves, we discover that we cannot be stuck and in action simultaneously.

[Flash] The Secret to Finding a Mentor (Hint: Are You Mentor-Able?)

People are always asking me how to find a mentor.

And while I could direct them to the tactics of getting connected, it’s more valuable to focus on whether the person is mentor-able.

To be mentor-able, you must be vulnerable, authentic, humble, self-reflective, and committed to an actionable goal.

Most importantly, you must be open to mentoring!

Here’s how people operate when they are not “open to mentoring:”

They don’t seek out advice: “I’ve got it handled.”
They overlook people’s perspectives: “I don’t have time.”
They disregard others’ ideas: “No, that won’t work” or “I tried that.”
They dismiss people: “You wouldn’t understand what I’m dealing with.”

Why do people shut down opportunities to learn from others? Fear. Fear of change, fear of judgment, and fear of criticism.

But fear only tells us what not to do. Fear never tells us how to move forward. Mentoring does that.

The secret to finding a Mentor is to stop looking for a Mentor and start looking for mentoring.

Mentoring occurs because someone wants to contribute an idea, a perspective, advice, a make-you-think-differently question, a challenge, a connection, a resource, or some encouragement.

Why wouldn’t we let them?!

It might only result in a quick, perspective-sharing conversation, or it might evolve into a mentoring relationship, partnership, or sponsorship.

But you must be willing to engage! By starting with purpose and presence, you can collect wisdom in any conversation with anybody. Everyone has something to offer!

How to look for mentoring? Ask thoughtful questions from various people, suspend judgment, trust the learning journey, and listen zealously.

And, the next time someone offers you some unsolicited opinion, advice, or perspective, welcome it with intrigue.

Instead of being irritated or offended by their approach, be grateful for the mentoring that found you!

[Flash] Want It More Than You Fear It (Some Tough Love for Mentees)

This morning my Peloton instructor challenged us: “You must want it more than you fear it!” And while we were merely struggling through a resistance class on a stationary bike, we would be negligent not to apply that battle cry to all areas of our life.

We must want a change more than we fear the change.

What change? The desire for a new behavior or skillset, role or responsibility, a different job or a leadership path, a passion project, or a game-changing goal.

Without desire, there is no need to stretch, grow, develop, or evolve. Nothing is luring us to become bigger, better, bolder versions of ourselves.

So then, what do we fear? Judgment, criticism, rejection, humiliation, failure, disappointment, exclusion, or insignificance…. to name a few.

And thanks to this gaggle of fears, we have brilliantly developed unique expertise in self-sabotage! We take actions that interfere with our desires. We create metaphorical roadblocks by procrastinating or justifying with excuses. (The struggle with White Paper Syndrome is real!)

The good news about self-sabotage? We got in our own way, so logically we can get out of our own way. We’re doing it to ourselves, so we can stop doing it to ourselves.

The not so good news? We often don’t see that we’re doing it. We have blindspots!

The great news? Alchemy occurs when a Mentor draws out our aspirations while helping us notice when our fears are festering.

But Mentors can only contribute to us if we want it more than we fear it, even if we don’t know exactly what we want. Caveat… Mentors do not look forward to working with Mentees who invariably procrastinate and incessantly make excuses. It’s just not fun trying to help someone move forward when they are committed to staying stuck.

Want it more than you fear it, and your Mentor will want it for you too!

[Flash] We Are Always Mentoring (just ask Dua Lipa and Keegan-Michael Key)

When pop singer Dua Lipa was 11, her choir teacher told her she couldn’t sing and would never make it. But her rock-singer-turned-marketing-executive father encouraged her talent. At the age of 23, Dua won a Grammy for “Best New Artist.”As a freshman in high school, actor and comedian Keegan-Michael Key was struggling emotionally. The drama teacher’s friend noticed and said to her, “I think Keegan might have a facility for the arts. It would be healing for him. Take him under your wing, please.”

The next day, the drama teacher approached Keegan, “I need you to be involved in the play.” He had never previously considered theater, but he quickly discovered his gifts on the stage, landing major roles every year. Since then, Keegan has won a Peabody and an Emmy for his work.

When I was in high school, my interests wandered drastically. One week I was going to be a librarian, the next a biologist. Junior year I casually enrolled in a Business Law class. But I was immediately captivated by the topic, and my teacher noticed. He encouraged me to continue with Business Law II and nominated me for moot court.

And when my mom offhandedly said, “You know, women can be lawyers,” law school became my destination. Thereafter I practiced law as a start-up attorney in Silicon Valley and loved it!

We are always mentoring others, sometimes deliberately, often inadvertently, even recklessly.

We mentor through our words, our actions, our responses, our advice (solicited and unsolicited), our connections, our encouragement, and even our discouragement.

To mentor others is a privilege. But like any superpower, it comes with a responsibility to be wielded with prudence and purpose.

The first step? Awareness and accountability. Let’s start asking each other, “Who are you mentoring these days?”

When we acknowledge our role in mentoring, we can bolster our intentionality and elevate our impact.

Happy Mentoring Month!