All Posts by Ann Tardy

In other words, a pilot must keep the airplane within one nautical mile on each side of the intended flight path for 95 percent of the flight time… at 35,000 feet without the guidance of lanes and road signs.

To stay within FAA regulations, pilots must constantly engage with Air Traffic Control Specialists (ATCSs).

But ATCSs are not providing pilots with feedback – they aren’t offering their reaction or response to a pilot’s process or activity. If they did, it might sound like, “Hi Pilot. I’m happy about how you navigated that weather pattern. But I’m worried that you’re veering a bit off track.”

ACTSs don’t give feedback. They give information.

They provide the requisite input pilots need to stay the course and reach their destination.

Managers and Mentors are like Air Traffic Control Specialists. And like pilots, people don’t need feedback from their Manager or Mentor – they need a flow of information to ensure they don’t miss their destination… their goals!

People crave specific, immediate, in-the-situation information. Certainly, people depend on information in the same way pilots do; without it, they are unsure if they are on course or not.

And in practice, if Managers and Mentors contribute information regularly, people won’t fear receiving it, and Managers and Mentors won’t fear delivering it.

The strategy? An intentional focus on giving and getting actionable information. For example:

• Managers and Mentors: “I have some information that will help you achieve your performance/learning goal.”
• Employees and Mentees: “I’m headed in this new direction. What information can you offer to help me get there?”

By serving like ACTSs, we can provide the information people require, thereby replacing fear of feedback with the impetus for information. 

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

But my dad was a prolific micro-mentor.

Micro-mentoring: sharing wisdom in atomically small moments.

My dad read four different newspapers each day, intentionally seeking a variety of perspectives. Always in print. Never online.

Invariably while reading these papers, he would find an article that he thought would contribute to my current adventure. When I enrolled in law school, he noticed articles on law firms. When I moved to San Francisco, he looked for articles about the golden state. When I started my own business, he found articles on entrepreneurship.

He would clip the article, write at the top, “Ann – FYI. Dad,” and then mail it to me. Typically, I’d receive a newspaper clipping once a week.

Every time my dad sent an article, he thought of me, encouraged my journey, shared a fresh idea or perspective, and sent me a resource.

Unfortunately, perhaps due to maturity, I didn’t always recognize or appreciate it. But he was undeterred, as all great mentors are.

Today, I realize the value of micro-mentoring and often emulate his practice.

To start micro-mentoring:

• Identify someone you want to contribute to, like a peer, employee, or mentee.
• Reflect on their current situation, transition, or passion project.
• Look for wisdom to share in the form of books, articles, videos, social media posts, connections, or even cartoons or memes.
• Use the shared piece as a springboard for a conversation or exploration.

Interestingly when my mom started dating again, she met (and married) Allan, also versed in micro-mentoring. Today, Allan regularly sends me links to articles (but in this decade, I receive them via text).

And now I can recognize the effort, appreciate the contribution, and deliberately leverage the nuggets of wisdom.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Invariably, they would respond, “Fine.” “Good.” “OK.”

Feeling very clever, I’d be ready with my retort, “Why was it fine/good/OK?”

Of course, they would try to derail me with, “I don’t know.”

Undeterred, I’d prolong this maddening, ineffective interrogation with, “If you did know, what would you say?”

They would stare at me dumbfounded. So, I’d try a different angle, “What was something funny that happened at school today?”

Inevitably, I would get, “Nothing.”

This awkward dance went round and round. And yet, I rarely learned anything new, and none of us felt connected in the exchange.

Now that my stepkids are adulting, I have new targets: my nephew Joaquin and my niece Lulu, 14 and 12, respectively. Like with my stepkids, I deliberately develop my relationship with Joaquin and Lulu.

The three of us went out to dinner last week, and I experimented with a different approach.

I said to Joaquin, “Tell me about homecoming.”
He regaled me with all the details.

I said to Lulu, “Tell me about your swim meet.”
She shared her triumphant adventures in the pool.

I said to Joaquin, “Tell me about high school.”
He gushed, “Aunt Ann! It’s so interesting! In grade school, they treated us like dogs. In middle school, they treated us like children. In high school, they treat us like adults. There are so many choices every day – classes, activities, clothing, food! There’s even a coffee shop!”

Had I simply asked, “How is school?” I probably would not have been rewarded with his reflection.

So now, I’ve been testing this approach with others.

“Tell me about your day,” I say to my husband as we cook. And I learn what’s weighing on him.
“Tell me about your vacation,” I said to a friend. And she excitedly explained her itinerary.
“Tell me about your weekend,” I said to another friend. And I learned about her experiences visiting colleges with her son.

“How are you?” “How’s your day?” “How’s it going?” are polite, transitory greetings. They don’t even necessitate a reply.

Whereas “Tell me about…” conveys sincere curiosity and a commitment to engage. It invites intentional, colorful conversation to which the other person often reveals what is most important to them. But it also demands a genuine interest in whatever is shared.

Even in casual conversations, people crave significance.

“How’s it going?” doesn’t demonstrate importance. But “Tell me about…” communicates to the other person that they matter.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com

Driven by my commitment to mentor (and my birthday), I decided to explore these questions.

(1) What are the books you’ve given most as a gift, or what books have greatly influenced your life?

• The Magic of Thinking Big by David J Schwartz
• The Alchemist by Paul Coelho
• Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
• Caste by Isabel Wilkerson
• Think Again by Adam Grant
• Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

(2) What purchase of $100 or less has most positively impacted your life in the last six months?

My bicycle bell by Pro Bike Tool. After three decades of pedaling, I’ve finally stopped shouting “On your left!” to walkers on the bike path. Now I ring the bell, wave, and say, “Good morning!”

(3) How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success? Do you have a “favorite failure” of yours?

I launched a woman’s conference in 2004 entitled “Women’s Economic Power Day.” I expanded it in 2005, 2006, and 2007 to eight cities across the country. I proceeded with passion but without any plan. As a result, it was not sustainable, nor did I make any money. But I became an entrepreneur and a keynote speaker in the process. And I met some amazing women, many of whom I still count as friends today!

(4) If you could have a gigantic billboard anywhere with anything on it – metaphorically speaking, getting a message out to millions or billions – what would it say?

You are never stuck. 

(5) What is one of the best or most worthwhile investments you’ve ever made?

The partnership with my husband. He gives me the space and grace to approach life as an adventure.

(6) What is an unusual habit or an absurd thing that you love?

Moving turtles off the road and freeing spiders from my house (and inevitably talking to them as I relocate these creatures).

(7) In the last five years, what new belief, behavior, or habit has most improved your life?

Every morning while walking my dogs, I listen to books on Audible. I’ve experienced profound and compelling books that I used to feel guilty about not reading.

(8) What advice would you give to a smart, driven college student about to enter the “real world”?

No one will ever be as obsessed with your success as you are.  So, don’t wait for permission to take chances. Constantly improve yourself and your environment. Stop trying to impress everyone else. Just impress yourself. And seek to be of service – use your work to make a difference.

(9) What are bad recommendations you hear in your profession or area of expertise?

I cringe when I hear, “We should wait. People are too busy…” No, they’re not. They might be too distracted, derailed, or disorganized, but people are never too busy for what is important to them! It’s not time we need more of… it’s meaning.

(10) In the last five years, what have you become better at saying no to (distractions, invitations, etc.)? What new realizations and/or approaches helped?

Big parties or dinners. I realize how much I enjoy connecting in tiny groups replete with soul-filling conversations rather than constantly practicing my how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people skills in large gatherings. And frankly, I’m exhausted trying to make everyone happy.

(11) When you feel overwhelmed or unfocused or have lost your focus temporarily, what do you do?

I ask, “Why am I doing this? What’s the point? And will it matter next week, next month, or next year?” And I usually ask these questions while biking or walking my dogs.

This Reflection.
When I started this exercise, I intended to simply share some wisdom on my birthday.

But then I found myself pausing to reflect on and deeply appreciate my journey. And by articulating my insights, I substantially reinforced my learnings and even bolstered my confidence.

Sharing wisdom is its own development experience and ultimately an integral part of every Mentor’s growth journey (despite our fervent focus on the Mentees’ growth!).

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

I asked Lue, our Director of Operations, to cover one of those meetings for me – a strategic session with the mentoring program team at a hospital.

When we connected afterward for a debrief, Lue expressed joy from her great meeting!

The team requested some changes to their mentoring program, and Lue earnestly said, “Yes! We can do that!” And then, she implemented the changes in the meeting for the team to see.

I heard the pride in Lue’s voice as she shared her experience – she had delighted this client!

But my knee-jerk reaction killed that joy. I blurted, “Oh no! Jane [the program lead’s boss] will not like that we made changes for one hospital but not all of them!”

Lue was apologetic but also defensive. She thought she had served the client well.

And then it hit me… Lue led that meeting exactly as I would have. 

She has seen me lead client meetings a thousand times. I constantly say, “Yes! We can do that!” I enjoy making changes for a team to see while we’re meeting. And I’m always excited to surprise and delight our clients.

Lue didn’t just handle the meeting by herself. She filled my shoes!

But I’m not surprised. She has been observing me in action for two years. As a result, I have been inadvertently mentoring her.

Had I paused to recognize this before I asked Lue to handle the meeting for me, I could have intentionally mentored her. I could have provided her the context she needed and prepared her with a strategy.

So, I owed Lue an apology. I managed, but I forgot to mentor.

When we’re distracted managing expectations, we forget our teams learn by observing and modeling us. If we are committed to being better bosses, we must acknowledge this inadvertent mentoring and strengthen it with intentional mentoring. 

Lue figured out how to fill my shoes by watching me, but next time I’m committed to providing her with the shoelaces.

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com

Abel was convicted, and the CIA harassed Donovan to breach attorney-client privilege by revealing his conversations with Abel, which he refused to do.

In one scene with Donovan, Abel reflected: “You remind me of the man that used to come to our house when I was young.”

Abel continued, “This one time, I was at the age of your son, our house was overrun by partisan border guards. Dozens of them. My father was beaten, my mother was beaten, and this man, my father’s friend, he was beaten.

“And I watched this man. Every time they hit him, he stood back up again. So they hit him harder. Still, he got back to his feet. I think because of this, they stopped the beating. They let him live.

“‘Stoikiy muzhik,’ I remember them saying. ‘Stoikiy muzhik.’ Which sort of means, ‘standing man’…”

I frequently hear people complain about the lack of accountability in their organizations. But I rarely hear people talk about their own accountability.

Unfortunately, the word “accountability” has become loaded with confusion and a predisposition to indict. Dissected, it means able to account; willing to accept responsibility without condemning others; and owning one’s actions… regardless of circumstances, 

Standing Man.

He did not succumb to his situation. He did not blame or justify inaction with excuses. Standing Man accepted responsibility for his own actions despite the actions of the patrol guards. He persevered. 

Arguably, work would work better if we were among Standing Men (and Women). If everyone else would just be accountable…

But that’s the paradox of accountability.

• We cannot expect others to accept responsibility for their actions if we are unwilling to accept our own.
• We cannot demand others to engage without accusations and excuses if we are incapable of modeling such behavior.
• We cannot ask people to own their commitments, actions, and feelings if we refuse to do the same.

To embolden the Standing Man, we must first be the Standing Man.

onward,

© 2021. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com

This week’s episode involved Coach Lasso helping the team’s captain Isaac McAdoo get his mojo back. Isaac had been perpetually berating his team for their poor performance, blaming them, and no longer enjoying the game.

Coach Lasso enlisted the recently retired team captain Roy Kent to mentor Isaac, the new team captain.

But Roy is a curmudgeon who habitually sneers and scoffs at any whiff of inconvenience.

Begrudgingly he agreed to help once. Roy brought Isaac to a neighborhood soccer game to remind him that soccer is a game they both played as kids because it was fun… even when they got their feelings hurt.

“[Forget] your feelings, [forget] your overthinking, [forget] all that b.s. Go back out there and have some [freaking] fun!” Roy bellowed at Isaac.

Isaac did just that, and Roy unexpectedly discovered the satisfaction of making a difference. 

Strategically, while Roy was mentoring Isaac, Coach Lasso was mentoring Roy. He hoped Roy would join the team to mentor all the soccer players, but he knew he couldn’t convince Roy. Roy needed to convince himself.

Typically when people resist mentoring others, it’s because they don’t know why or how. Roy didn’t know why he should care, if his mentoring would matter, or how to mentor… until he actually mentored Isaac.

When you want someone to mentor you, create an opportunity for them to experience mentoring, and then allow them to discover for themselves the joy of making an impact.

How?

1. Identify someone you would like to emulate.
2. Share a situation and ask for their perspective.
3. Experiment with their advice.
4. Follow up to share your experience and insights.
5. Acknowledge the difference they made.
6. Ask for more advice.

If you want someone’s mentoring, you might have to mentor them to mentor you! 

© 2021. Ann Tardy and Mentor Lead. www.mentorlead.com