Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead | The #1 Healthcare Mentorship Solution

[Flash] When Wicked Director Jon Chu’s Mentors Gave Conflicting Advice

In his new memoir, Viewfinder, Jon M. Chu, the director of Crazy Rich Asians and Wicked, shares his journey from USC film school to the Oscars.

When Steven Spielberg discovered a short film Jon produced for school, he invited Jon to shadow him on a movie set for the day.

Spielberg offered Jon this advice: “Be extraordinarily careful about choosing your first project – hold out until you find the one that means a lot, that would allow you to do your best work, that would define you for Hollywood.”

Unfortunately, this moment with Jon’s idol was followed by a few promising projects that fizzled and a 5-year drought in which he didn’t work on any movies.

So, when an opportunity to direct the sequel to So You Can Dance came to him, Jon considered it.

But the studio offered it as a “direct-to-DVD” movie. In Jon’s words, “The lowest form of directing gig. I’m not that person. I can’t be that person!”

Directing a direct-to-DVD sequel would be ignoring Spielberg’s mentoring.

When he mentioned the offer to his mom and told her he would turn it down, she scoffed, “Since when did you become a snob?”

She continued, “You’re a storyteller, right? You should be able to tell a story in any form – even a direct-to-DVD movie. So, go tell a story.”

Whose advice should he follow: Steven Spielberg’s or his mom’s?

Spielberg’s mentoring was substantial, but, as Jon reflected, it fed a self-image that became Jon’s anchor rather than a beacon.

Conversely, his mom’s mentoring reminded Jon why he wanted to be a filmmaker.

With renewed confidence, Jon chose to be a great storyteller. He proactively reconfigured the script for Step Up 2 to tell the story through street dancing. His pitch to Disney was so compelling that they changed it to a theatrical release.

And just like that, Jon’s career launched.

Having multiple mentors is valuable – they offer different perspectives and perceptions.

But it’s imperative to be discerning when advice pours in, especially when recommendations diverge.

Mentors are well-intended; however, context matters. Sometimes, the advice they offer is vacuum-sealed, while our situation never is.

But mentors are never responsible for our success; they are simply responsive to us.

It’s our job not to execute every morsel of mentoring but to unravel and decipher them. And then take action.

Compile. Contemplate. Choose.

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[Flash] Actress Kristin Bell Wants Your Advice

During an interview a few years ago, actress Kristin Bell reflected:

“I am a person who likes advice. I love getting advice because I have enough self-esteem to acknowledge the advice but know that I don’t have to take it. No one’s watching me apply it.”

“I want to know how you made your marriage work. I want to know how you performed better at an audition. I want to know how you parented your kids and got them to sleep better.”

“And then, I can choose what to use.”

Here’s where advice gets tangled:

If we have high confidence, we don’t seek it – we tend to rely on our own judgment.
If we have low confidence, we tend to view advice as unwanted criticism.

According to research, 76% of people report feeling annoyed, defensive, and inadequate when people give them advice – even when it’s well-intended!

When did our ego become the gatekeeper of wisdom?

People all around us want to offer help. And they often do so without our permission – even “Have a nice day!” is unsolicited advice.

But instead of leveraging our daily interactions to improve, we often opt to protect our pride.

Instead of welcoming the possibility of gaining fresh ideas, insights, and interpretations, we contort around the fragility of our esteem.

Kristin Bell’s approach is grounded in curiosity:

Incessantly eager to discover better ways.
All advice is welcomed – invited and uninvited.
Steadfastly committed to improve and choose.

My husband is a prolific advice-giver. His prosocial behavior is triggered when he hears about someone’s problem, project, or purpose.

He immediately thinks about who or what he knows – mentoring is his leadership language. And without asking permission, he contributes guidance and recommendations.

Unfortunately, I’ve watched countless people miss it. They politely nod, uncurious, as he doles out invaluable connections and ideas. Sometimes, they get dismissive, even defensive.

But occasionally, I’ll witness a savvy one who leans in, listens intently, and then does something brilliant… they ask a question. A question that helps them discern how the advice might better their life.

And when they contemplate the potential of incoming wisdom, their confidence noticeably elevates.

By adopting Kristin Bell’s drive to curate advice, transactions can become transformations.

[Flash] When Lily Tomlin Astutely Mentored SNL Lorne Michaels

In 1973, Lorne Michaels had not yet created Saturday Night Live.

That was the year he was a fully bearded comedy writer, weighing a few different work opportunities, feeling desperate to take the one that paid the most.

And then comedian Lily Tomlin asked to meet – she had been following Lorne’s writing. They immediately bonded over their shared love of comedy, and she invited him to write for a television special she was producing.

In that same conversation…

Lily bluntly asked: “How long have you had that beard?”
Lorne: “Seven or eight months.”
Lily paused and reflectively shared: “When I want to hide, I just grow bangs.”

Her discernment surprised him – like she could see right through him.He shaved the next day and accepted her offer, even though it was a smaller project paying less money.

Why?

Lily didn’t give him unsolicited advice. Without judgment, she simply mirrored back to him what she saw.

She offered her perception by relating to it. In doing so, she accepted him. And because Lorne felt seen, he could metabolize her comment.

When I was graduating from law school in Chicago, I felt a bit like Lorne. Lost. Unclear which path to take next.

I was working at a small firm at the time when one of the partners casually inquired, “What are your plans after graduation?”

I awkwardly yet vulnerably admitted, “I have no idea. I only thought about getting to law school. I haven’t figured out what’s next.”

Then, without an agenda, he shrewdly shared one of his life-changing experiences: “The best thing I ever did was move away from home. I moved to Atlanta for a few years. Eventually, I moved back, but the experience changed my perspective.”

That was a seminal moment! The partner revealed a new option I had never considered: I could go somewhere else, take an adventure, and see the world differently. And so, I did. I moved to San Francisco to practice law.

Mentoring is not to be implemented; it’s to be interpreted. Lorne didn’t need to grow bangs to stop hiding, and I didn’t need to move to Atlanta to launch my career.

Astute mentoring starts with acceptance, adds perceptiveness, and culminates in an advice-teeming story.

Mentors influence us not by preaching “you should!” but by inviting us to see possibilities with “you could…”

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[Flash] Streaking with Your Clothes On (10th Anniversary Issue!)

Today marks the 10th year of my weekly Flash! articles. To celebrate, I’m re-releasing this article on goal streaking with a few updates and a fresh story. Thank you for your continued rooting and readership!
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In the 1970s, an odd trend emerged on college campuses called “streaking,” where people ran naked through public areas to shock and amuse others.

Then in 2011, the messaging app Snapchat repurposed the term “streak” to gamify the act of exchanging messages multiple days in a row. Snapchat refers to this uninterrupted chain as a “Snapstreak.” The app tracks these streaks and encourages users to continue their daily exchanges.

And now there is a new kind of streaking: Goal Streaking – a continuous series of one activity in pursuit of a goal.

Goal Steaking examples:

recognize-someone-weekly-at-work streak
team-huddle streak
wake-up-early streak
work-out-each-week streak
arrive-early-to-meetings streak
return-emails-in-24-hours streak

On January 1, 2019, Michigander Bugsy Sailor challenged himself to capture a photograph of the sunrise on Lake Superior every morning for one year. His goal? To connect with nature and be more present. His early morning ritual soon amassed a following in town and around the country. To date, hundreds of people have purchased pictures and/or pledged to watch more sunrises.

Bugsy is now in his seventh year of photographing morning sunrises. He revealed recently, “How much joy everyone else gets from it has really kept me going the last couple of years.”

Personally, I have two streaks that continue to impact my life:

(1) My Flossing Streak
In 2005, I had a dentist crush on Dr. Michael Hing when I lived in San Francisco. His warm, gentle personality prevented me from lying to him about flossing my teeth (like I had done with other dentists!) So, I challenged myself to floss every night for one month before my next appointment. This evolved into my now 7,348-day flossing streak and has positively contributed to my dental health.

(2) My Writing Streak
I started my writing streak on March 13, 2015, to hone my skills and consistently connect with people and contribute ideas. The weekly Flash! article was born. I credit my nearly 520-week streak with expanding my network, strengthening our mentoring programs with weekly content, and generating one of my books, In a Flash! and my forthcoming book, Mentoring in a Flash!

I sent the very first Flash! article to 11 people, including my husband and my mom. Today, over 50,000 people receive it.

When the Streak Goes on Strike
A few years ago, Bugsy’s alarm did not go off one morning. He missed the sunrise. Disappointed but resolute, Bugsy rededicated, and his streak goes on.

Like Bugsy, my streak once went on strike as well. I missed publishing a Flash! article one week due to mismanaging my health and my time. I, too, was frustrated with myself, but instead of giving up, I recommitted to my goal… with a twist. I now incorporate scheduled writing breaks on major holiday weeks each year.

Action!

From the goalstreaks.com website: “The best way to achieve your goals is by taking regular, meaningful steps towards them.”

Finding a mentor is a meaningful step.

Mentors create what is known as “evaluation apprehension” – an aspirational form of peer pressure. Knowing someone we respect is rooting for us and regularly asking about our progress compels us to take action.

In the world of goals, action is the game-changer. This past decade has taught me, however, that perfect action is not required, just continuously being in action.

As long as we stay on the field, mentors (and mentees!) of all shapes and sizes will stand on the sidelines and fill the stadium.

[Flash] Why the Best Mentors Use Psychological Distancing (And How You Can Too)

At the end of every mentoring program, at least one mentor confesses, “I think I got more out of the mentoring relationship than my mentee.”

For years, I attributed this to altruism – the selfless, feels-good-to-do-good approach.

And then I read Ethan Kross’ compelling book Chatter – The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It.

In his book, psychologist and professor Dr. Kross shares a tool called “distancing” that can lead us to wisdom, regardless of age, job title, or experience.

Psychological distancing involves stepping back, lowering our emotional intensity, and reducing our cognitive load to gain objectivity and perspective. In other words, we turn down the volume of the internal chatter by figuratively stepping away from it.

Distancing is most effective when we (1) imagine how we will feel about this situation in the future, (2) observe our situation happening to someone else, or (3) offer advice to someone in a similar situation.

We often struggle to solve our own problems because we are too emotionally involved. When our view is only internal, our problems can feel insurmountable.

Psychological distance not only diminishes our stress and anxiety, but it also gives us the detached perspective needed to reassess our problems.

When we step into the role of mentor, we psychologically distance ourselves from our circumstances by focusing on our mentee’s circumstances.

As our mentee is sorting through their problems and navigating their situations, they seek our guidance, advice, and perspectives. We are called to step away from our uncertainty to help them with theirs.

Ironically, while we might struggle to solve our own problems, we often have clarity and advice for people grappling with similar challenges. Their emotional burdens don’t afflict us.

The birds-eye view allows us to see solutions we missed when our view was purely internal.

When we offer those solutions to our mentee through advice, we finally see the wisdom that applies to our situation.

The adage, “Those who can’t, teach” should be followed by “…so they can.”

We might not have been able to sort it out for ourselves, but then we became a mentor and helped a mentee sort it out, and doing so gave us the distance and clarity we needed to sort it out for ourselves.

Now when a mentor claims, “I got more out of this than my mentee,” I will nod appreciatively to psychological distancing and affirm, “Of course, you did!”

[Flash] How GE Vice Chair Beth Comstock Slayed Her Imposter Syndrome

When CEO Jack Welch promoted Beth Comstock to VP of Corporate Communications for GE, she battled her imposter syndrome.

And for a time, it was winning.

At that level, Comstock was often the only woman in the room. She sat in meetings listening but not saying much. As she shared with Guy Roz on his leadership podcast a few years ago, she was overwhelmed with intimidation.

But then she decided to put herself out there, make herself known.

Comstock’s strategy for conquering her imposter syndrome:

Invite herself to leadership meetings
Bring one question and one idea
Be courageously vulnerable
Hire direct reports to mentor her
Lead as a mentee

She didn’t wait for invites – she invited herself to meetings.

Comstock called leaders’ assistants and said, “I’m going to show up to the meeting, and here’s why,” not wanting anyone to be surprised.

She then attended each meeting prepared to ask one question and share one idea.

And it worked – she was seen, heard, and known. The new CEO, Jeff Immelt, promptly promoted Comstock to Chief Marketing Officer (CMO).

But marketing was not her area of expertise! She didn’t go to business school, and she didn’t have a marketing background.

Her imposter syndrome flared…

So, Comstock did the vulnerable. She confessed to the CEO that she was not qualified for this role but was committed to learning it.

She became a mentee.

Comstock sought knowledge and guidance from CMOs at other large organizations, like P&G. She studied marketing, poring over curricula and textbooks.

And she recruited people to mentor her.

Comstock hired CMOs for each of GE’s business units, ensuring they had the business skills she lacked. They knew she didn’t possess their level of training, so they helped her figure out what questions she should be asking.

She admitted, “It’s intimidating, but I had to learn what to ask.”

With mentoring from her direct reports, Comstock helped GE rethink its approach to marketing.

In 2015, GE named her the first female Vice Chair leading GE Business Innovations.

Following her retirement, Comstock published her book Imagine It Forward. In it, she shares wisdom she’s learned after 27 years with GE, including her secret to slaying imposter syndrome:

Trust yourself. Hire great people. Lead through mentors.

[Flash] Actionable Advice or Flaccid Feedback? You Decide…

Many years ago, a new team member, Sally, showed up to a client Zoom meeting dressed in a ripped, food-stained college sweatshirt. My mentoring skills were put to the test.

As her boss, I knew I had to say something – it was unprofessional.

But I didn’t want to hurt Sally’s feelings or embarrass her. We had just started working together – we were still in the process of building trust remotely.

I was conflicted. Should I ignore this and hope it doesn’t happen again? Should I set a dress code? Should I give her feedback?

None of those options were appealing.

I tried a different approach – I offered Sally advice:

“Unfortunately, our clients are always judging us. If they don’t see you as a professional, they’ll discount your contributions. And you have valuable perspectives and ideas to share!”

Sally responded, “Omigosh! I didn’t even think of that!” Then, together, we brainstormed comfortable and smart clothing ideas that would instantly convey her credibility on video.

Giving advice was refreshing – I became Sally’s supportive and empowering thought partner! And our exchange lacked any inkling of criticism or defensiveness. She knew I was standing on her side, not sitting in judgment.

Now there’s research that backs up this advice-over-feedback approach.

In 2019, Harvard University researchers conducted experiments asking people to review a letter written by their peers. Half the people were asked to provide “feedback” to their peers while the others were asked to give “advice.”

The results?

The term feedback prompted “evaluative, vague responses and praising comments.”
Soliciting advice encouraged “constructive, specific, and actionable guidance for improvement.”

Organizational psychologist and author Adam Grant says the problem with feedback is that it invites either:

Cheerleading: motivating but not educational
or
Criticism: educational but discouraging

Because people are afraid of hurting another’s feelings, they tend “to tread too carefully to tell you anything useful,” Grant reflects.

To ensure we are harvesting useful information, we need to ask for and offer actionable advice instead of flaccid feedback.

To ask for it:

“I’d love your insight on this.”
“What’s your perspective?”
“Can I ask for your thoughts on this situation?”
“Can I get your advice on what I can do better next time?”
“What are your ideas for improving…?”
“What would you recommend?”
“I’d appreciate your guidance.”

To offer it:

“One idea that might make a difference…”
“Have you thought of trying…”
“It might be worth exploring…”
“I might recommend…”
“I have a suggestion for your next meeting…”
“You might consider…”

While advice is the cornerstone of mentoring, weaving advice into our interactions can elevate the impact of our relationships and pivot our success.

[Flash] When Rent the Runway CEO Shared Her Mentor’s Wisdom

Jennifer Hyman founded Rent the Runway, a clothing rental service, in 2009 and has served as its CEO ever since.

One of her board members, Dan Rosensweig, once mentored Jennifer with this deeply impactful assertion:

“There are only two reasons why a founder leaves their company or stops working toward their dreams… either you stop believing in it, or you’re tired.”

In an article for Money Report, Jennifer revealed that it was the best mentoring she’s ever received.

Whenever she starts feeling, in her words, “unhappy and frustrated, blaming it on Rent the Runway,” she asks herself if she still believes in the mission of her company or if she just needs a break.

Jennifer periodically checks in on her work self – does she still believe in her job?

Passing on this mentoring, she urges, “Being tired isn’t a good enough reason to give up on something you believe in.”

When I read these words, I felt like Jennifer was sharing her mentor’s wisdom with me!

I entered January lulled by the holiday break, feeling confidently in charge of my time and efforts. But I tumbled out of the long month feeling stretched, scattered, and soul-punched.

Something had to change.

Fortunately, I made the time this week to attend the annual conference of ACNL (Association of California Nurse Leaders). I was quickly reminded why I believe in and work for the power of mentoring.

Throughout the conference, the impact of mentors was threaded into presentations, posters, speeches, recognition awards, connections, conversations, and LinkedIn posts.

I repeatedly heard attendees acknowledging their mentoring relationships – some mentors and mentees meeting for the first time in person! People regaled me with their mentoring stories, grateful for the ACNL Mentoring Program.

Mission validated.

Without mentoring, these dedicated nurse leaders would be experiencing their work and careers not in community but as individuals. Instead, they journey together, contributing to and witnessing each other’s growth and success.

I felt rejuvenated!

With Jennifer’s pivotal mentoring heavily on my mind, I had to admit… I’m tired. Reflecting on January, I must reckon with the reality that I have relapsed into my people-pleasing, team-rescuing, boundary-undermining, sleep-depriving habits.

But now I have a new barometer. I will be making changes in my time choices while remaining steadfastly committed to my work.

Imagine the seismic shift if we all consciously shared the transformative mentoring we receive…

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