Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead

[Flash] Why Ryan Reynolds Chooses Observation Over Evaluation

During a recent interview, actor Ryan Reynolds reflected on his evolved approach to conflicting viewpoints:

“I love working with people who have different ideas. It’s interesting to meet them with curiosity as opposed to placing a value judgment.

“As I get older, I think I’m better at observation than evaluation – like constantly evaluating everything and everyone.

“When I just observe, I find my stress level goes down. I find I’m a little bit less of a [jerk], personally.”

Danielle Allen, Professor of Public Policy at Harvard, also advocates for observation. She teaches her students to navigate conflict using two rules:

Rule #1. Use Names

She encourages students to address each other by name intentionally, not condescendingly.

Why is this important?

Feels direct and personal
Grabs attention – people love hearing their own name
Creates connection
Fosters respect and trust

Rule #2. Repeat Back What You Heard

No one in Professor Allen’s class is allowed to respond until they can demonstrate they correctly understood the other person’s argument.

By repeating back what they think they’ve heard, both sides are forced to invest time upfront reaching a mutual understanding.

Why is this important?

De-escalates tension: heard people hear others
Validates: “I listened, I heard you, and I understand you.”
Ensures they are accurately addressing the other person’s issue

Every day, we have an abundance of opportunities to practice these skills.

For example, a mentee may share a concern that the mentor feels is overblown. Because we naturally meet different viewpoints with judgment rather than curiosity, the (well-intentioned) mentor might instinctively say, “Oh don’t worry about that – it’s nothing!”

And even in the safe space of mentoring, the mentee might impulsively defend their fear, while judging the mentor for being dismissive and oblivious.

To practice observing, not evaluating:

Listen to their concern, idea, or perspective
Stay curious (give your judge a break!)
Use their name
Repeat back what you heard
Check your understanding:

“Sally, I want to make sure I understand your point. Are you saying…?”
“Bob, can you explain what you mean by…”
“Aneek, I hear that you’re worried about X… is that right?”
“Marge, so what you’re saying is…?”
“Terry, what am I missing?”

In a world where the risk of altercation simmers beneath each interaction, we can diffuse everyone’s emotions with observation, curiosity, and commitment.

Seek compassion, not condemnation.

[Flash] Sharing Pebbles With Your Mentee

Gentoo penguins in Antarctica strengthen their connections with each other by collecting and sharing pebbles.

Why pebbles? Because penguins use pebbles to build nests. So, the simple act of bringing rocks to another penguin signals a desire to develop a relationship.

Similarly, with humans, “pebbling” entails small, consistent acts of attention and communication.

And in mentoring, pebbles are potent.

They demonstrate an ongoing effort to connect, engage, and cultivate a mentoring relationship.

Pebbling communicates our respect for a mentee – we value the relationship and want to invest in it, not just serve as a monthly checkpoint.

The “pebbles” we share do not entail enormous exertions of time, effort, or resources – they are small and considerate gifts:

Offering words of encouragement
Sharing a thoughtful or humorous text
Listening actively
Remembering and acknowledging an event
Forwarding a relevant article
Suggesting a new resource
Liking their post on LinkedIn
Recommending a book or podcast episode
Making an introduction to a new connection

Pebbling is a modest effort with a mighty impact.

People often feel isolated at work and in life because their overconsumption of technology individualizes their experiences.

Pebbling restores interaction. It prevents the emotional drift that can occur from isolation.

The simple act of pebbling conveys to our mentee, “I see you. I heard you. I know you. I’m here. You belong. You are important to me. I’m thinking of you.”

Being seen, remembered, and acknowledged, strengthens the connection and trust between a mentor and a mentee.

My mom managed and mentored a real estate office of one hundred realtors. Every year, she personally called each realtor on their birthday to sing, even on voicemail. She never missed the opportunity to make them feel special. Deepening the relationships and their trust was too important.

If pebbling is so effective, what stops us from leveraging it?

Concern about intruding – shouldn’t I wait until they reach out?
Fear of rejection – do they want to hear from me? will this make a difference?
Engrossed by daily chaos – I’m sooo busy!

But mentees need to be on our radar, not just our calendar.

When they are, pebbling becomes an extension of our mentoring – an opportunity to contribute between the cadence of scheduled meetings.

If we want to influence a mentee’s learning journey, we must infuse ourselves into it.

[Flash] Why Jack Lowden Watches His Hollywood Mentors Make Mistakes

Jack Lowden, an actor on Apple TV’s spy thriller series Slow Horses, recently appeared as a guest on Late Night with Stephen Colbert to promote the show’s new season.

During the interview, Stephen asked Jack about working with his co-stars, Hollywood icons Gary Oldman and Kristin Scott Thomas.

In particular, Stephen was curious about Jack’s habit of going to work even when he’s not scheduled to perform.

Stephen: “Is it true you show up on days you’re not shooting just to watch them [Gary and Kristin] shoot?”

Jack smilingly confessed, “Yeah. I once hid behind the sofa and just observed.”

Stephen: “And what are you learning by doing that?”

Jack: “I like watching them make mistakes. Because they do – they make mistakes.”

He continued, “As a young actor, it’s important to watch legends like that make mistakes. Of course, they make fewer mistakes than good takes. But I go, ‘Oh, right.’” As if suddenly discovering that his mentors are human.

When Jack sees their imperfections, it normalizes his own – an important tactic to mitigate imposter syndrome while validating his learning journey.

People observe their mentors to inform their own actions and behaviors, including stumbles.

Watching someone we respect make a mistake,

reduces our fear of making mistakes
humanizes mentors, making them more relatable and less intimidating
builds trust, strengthening the relationship
promotes vulnerability and humility
enhances learning

Mentoring doesn’t always entail sharing time-earned wisdom.

Mentoring often occurs in the space that lacks labels and targeted advice.

When I became a new lawyer, I spent my first year shadowing senior associates and partners, observing their interactions with clients. This experience undoubtedly shaped my client engagement skills.

When I ventured into the world of public speaking, I intentionally observed seasoned speakers enthrall an audience, which greatly influenced my speaking style.

But I also bore witness to their missteps, a refreshing reprieve – their blemishes forgave my own. It uncloaked my formidable mentors and confirmed my learning process.

Mentoring only works when we pay attention. We must notice experienced professionals navigating situations, fumbling, and growing as they go… just like us.

[Flash] Cinnabon CEO’s Superpower Seeks Criticism

Former CEO of Cinnabon and current CEO of AG1, Kat Cole, started her career as a project coordinator at Hooters, charged with opening franchises around the world.

Her first manager was, as Kat describes him, “an incredible mentor.” During a particularly challenging project, he gave her some advice that Kat continues to carry to every promotion.

Kat was navigating a slew of bad decisions when he switched from managing to mentoring and said to her, “A lot’s going wrong, and you’re getting a lot of criticism.

“Look, whenever you’re criticized, assume first it’s correct. Just allow yourself the opportunity to assume that something in the judgment or negative feedback is accurate.

“And one of two things will occur as a result. Either:

You will realize some portion of that feedback is valid, and you will act with the humility necessary to preserve the relationship and improve on the thing.
or, you reflect and cannot see anything that is valid.

“But how you approach that criticism should be focused on the why instead of debating the what.”

Ask. Answer. Act.

This approach has become Kat’s superpower:

Courageously ask for feedback with curiosity and contrition.
Confidently allow others to answer honestly.
Boldly demonstrate commitment by acting on it.

As Kat reflected in an interview recently, “Answers don’t scale. Questions do.”

“Finding the right questions allows me to make better decisions and have more fruitful actions, regardless of the dynamics or the situation – boom times or bust times.”

What questions can we use to activate an ask-answer-act superpower?

What can I be doing better?
How can I improve this [project/meeting/conversation]?
What am I missing?
If you were in my shoes, what would you change immediately?
What is working from your perspective?
What could we do differently going forward?

By asking questions, we signal our intent to improve, grow, and thrive.

By asking questions, we invite others to support that commitment and mentor us. We grant people permission to provide us with feedback, perspectives, and ideas.

By focusing on the why – improvement – we decrease the sting of the what – their responses, which could otherwise feel like judgment or criticism.

It’s not about the “what.” It’s about the “why” – a strong purpose gives us the strength and confidence to welcome all replies. Contributions become the gateway to reflecting, learning, and improving.

It’s not about the answers. It’s about the questions.

[Flash] Why Michelle Obama Mentors

Michelle Obama often explains in interviews and keynotes, “I mentor because I was mentored.”

Underscoring the profound impact mentoring has had on her success, she shares, “I didn’t get here on my own. There were people in my life who saw potential in me, who didn’t have to make the investment, who held out their hand and showed me the way.”

In 2009, when Michelle became the First Lady, she gathered all the living First Ladies together to connect, thank them for their service, and learn from them. She wanted to know about the challenges they faced and seek their advice, guidance, and support.

In a recent interview, Michelle reflected, “I am a product of the generosity of other people’s mentorship. So, the expectation of myself is that I give that back.”

During her time in the White House, Michelle started a mentorship program and created mentoring events, demonstrating that everyone has the time and capability to mentor, even the First Lady.

Michelle confessed, “It’s also selfish of me to mentor because I get a lot out of it. It’s the most fulfilling thing to watch another person benefit from something that I helped them do.”

Mentor Karen called me last week to express a similar sentiment, declaring, “I have some exciting news!”

She proudly described the transformation she witnessed in her mentee’s confidence throughout our mentoring program. Karen then announced that her mentee had asked for and received a significant role and salary bump at her organization.

Karen revealed, “My mentee never would have done that when we started working together!” Delighted by her mentee’s growth, Karen knew she helped make that possible.

Another mentor, Julie, summarized it enchantingly when she divulged, “Mentoring fills my cup.”

So, how do we find those people who want our mentoring? How can we demonstrate to others that we are available to contribute to their learning journey?

Enroll as a Mentor in a formal mentoring program.
Notice others taking on roles and experiences you’ve had and offer to mentor them in their transition.
Launch a mentoring conversation: “What have you discovered so far? What help do you need next?”
Create a mentoring circle or a mentoring event.
Inform your manager and peers that you’re willing to mentor.

“Service is the rent we pay for living.” ~ Marian Wright Edelman (one of Michelle’s heroines)

[Flash] Shake Shack’s Founder Mentors While Managing

The Founder of Shake Shack, Daniel Meyer, recently revealed his mentoring approach to leading people.

During an interview with Adam Grant, Meyer explained his commitment to building a culture of excellence and care with three key reframes.

1. Peers First

Instead of “customers first,” Meyer promotes “peers first.” He instructs his employees that their first job when they come to work is to take great care of each other.

The founder of Southwest Airlines, Herb Kelleher, took a similar “people first” approach. But he preached that when the organization takes care of its employees, they will care for the customers. Albeit a successful model, it places the onus on the organization to create that culture of excellence and care.

Meyer shifts that responsibility to the people. He expects people to create their own culture of excellence and care.

Meyer says, “You will be held accountable, even before how you treat our paying customers, for how you treat each other.”

2. Help People Grow by Not Helping

To help employees who want to grow, Meyer invites, “Help me understand what your aspirations are and what we can do to get out of your way so you can achieve them.”

Again, he intentionally places ownership for success in the hands of the employee.

This help-by-not-jumping-in-to-help approach reinforces that people are 100% responsible for their success.

As soon as a manager asks, “How can I support you?” or “How can I help you achieve that,” the responsibility becomes shared.

3. Focus on What Could Go Right

When faced with employees who are afraid to take risks, Meyer mentors, “What could possibly go right? What if this thing works? Will we be prepared for success?”

Meyer explains, “It helps us dream bigger dreams when I ask that question. But it also helps us plan for success because many of our failures occur when we get caught up in the what-could-go-wrong stuff.”

Rescuing Not Required

As Meyer demonstrates with his mentoring-while-managing leadership, mentees don’t need to be saved.

They need to be challenged:

Are you taking great care of your peers?
What is in the way of your aspirations?
What could go right and are you prepared for that success?

Mentoring is more than just offering advice; it’s about empowering people to think differently and take action.

[Flash] Reverse Mentoring is Not for Hacks

The dramedy television series Hacks centers around Debra Vance, a legendary stand-up comedian, as she grapples with a rapidly changing profession threatening to discard her.

When Debra’s manager recommends that she hire a younger comic to write jokes for her, she is incensed! She doesn’t need help, especially from a comedian two generations apart.

Ava, the younger comedian writer, is undeterred, and somewhat belligerent, calling Debra a “hack” – someone whose work has become dull, unimaginative, and mediocre.

That label forced Debra to admit that Ava was correct. She had calcified, her material had become trite, and she had stopped growing.

Over the next three seasons, Ava mentors Debra in an informal, reverse mentoring relationship. Deborah evolves, and Ava thrives in her role.

Reverse Mentoring
Reverse mentoring occurs when someone younger or junior mentors someone senior or more experienced. It’s an effective way to bridge generational gaps.

In 1999, Jack Welch, CEO of General Electric, initiated a reverse mentoring program in response to the onslaught of technology rattling the business landscape. He noticed his senior leaders resisting the new digital world and feared GE would be left behind.

Jack paired 500 senior leaders (the mentees) with younger, tech-savvy employees (the mentors) who provided mentoring on hi-tech trends, including the internet and email.

The result? Senior leaders grew confident in incorporating technological strategies into their operations, helping GE stay competitive.

Challenges
The potential of reverse mentoring risks stalling at the intersection of pride and pressure.

Pride: Acknowledging the need for knowledge and wisdom can make senior leader mentees feel vulnerable.
Pressure The power dynamics can intimidate new employee mentors who lack confidence.

But the value of “mentoring up” is worth the discomfort.

Reverse mentoring:

Highlights the potential of younger generations to contribute insights and expertise
Fuels a culture of continuous learning and resilience
Fosters inclusion, recognition, collaboration, and innovation
Showcases the power of diverse perspectives

We can generate reverse mentoring in any conversation by shifting our mindset from “leader” to “mentee” and asking mentoring questions to our younger, newer, or greener colleagues:

What do you think of this idea?
What is your perspective?
How can I improve?
What am I not seeing?
What advice or guidance do you have?
What’s it like from your experience?
Are you noticing any trends that might impact our decision?

While often overlooked, reverse mentoring offers an opportunity to unearth potential in both participants.

Don’t be a hack. Be a mentee!

[Flash] Do You Reflect After Each High Jump?

This week, the field and track events at the 2024 Olympics in Paris highlighted Australian high jumper Nicola Olyslagers and her post-jump regimen.

The world watched her sprint to a journal after each jump, grab a pen, and start writing.

As Nicola explains, she captures how she feels and then rates herself from 1-10 on technique (run-up, take-off, and execution). “It allows me to ask, ‘What do I need to work on?’ rather than get carried away by the emotion.”

Nicola has incorporated this disciplined, reflective practice into her routine.

Why? Because we learn from our experiences not by running past them but by leaning into them.

Diligently, Nicola pauses after each jump to ponder her performance and consider how she could refine her next jump.

And it worked! Her commitment to incrementally improve earned her the silver medal!

While our high jumps look different, the enormous value of self-reflecting is universal.

A “high jump” is any event where growth matters because success matters to us:

a weekly team huddle
a monthly presentation
a quarterly client review
a job interview
a sales pitch
an interaction with leadership
a mentoring conversation

When we assess our performance in that event and measure our execution, emotional state, interactions, or outcome, we can make adjustments like Nicola did after every jump.

For example, these measurements inform a reflective practice:

Sleep scores
Steps
Splat points (from OrangeTheory Fitness)
Calories
Weight
Blood pressure
Expenses

Based on these routinely curated scores, we set goals, make adjustments, and improve various aspects of our lives.

Amazingly, the intentional focus required for self-reflection can calm us in chaos, while incremental improvements can bolster our confidence.

In mentoring, reflection is essential for the learning process to occur.

A mentor critically thinks about an experience to articulate learnings and share advice.
A mentee reflects on an experience to gain a deeper understanding and explore how to apply those insights to future situations.

The magic lies in the simplicity of the reflection.

These 7 potent questions can readily structure a reflective routine for any “high jump:”

What happened?
How did I feel?
What worked?
What didn’t work?
What did I learn?
How could I have handled it differently?
What will I do differently next time?

If you want to improve your resilience, performance, leadership, and joy, consider reflecting after your next high jump!

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