Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead

[Flash] When Tom Hanks Heard Wisdom in a Rant

While accepting an award at the Golden Globes in January 2020, Tom Hanks shared the story of a director who mentored him in a moment of frustration.

In one of his first acting experiences, Tom worked with director Dan Sullivan in the Great Lakes Shakespeare Festival in 1977. The night the play Hamlet opened, the cast partied in celebration. The following day, they arrived to practice late, hungover, and sluggish. And no one knew their lines for the new play.

Annoyed, Sullivan yelled at everyone, “We’ve got three weeks to get this new show up on its feet, and you people are not even trying! I can’t do my job if you guys don’t do your jobs!”

When Sullivan continued, he shared one of the greatest lessons a young professional could ever receive, one that Tom has carried with him his entire career:

“You guys have to show up on time, know your lines, and have an idea. I can’t provide everything here!”

In a recent podcast interview, the show’s host asked Tom about the origin of his unmistakable commitment and leadership in each project. Tom again shared the story of Sullivan’s timeless advice.

Tom explained that actors have a viewpoint different than the director. And “having an idea” means suggesting something that could contribute based on that viewpoint. For example, “This isn’t on the page, but let me show you something.”

Of course, offering ideas to our boss doesn’t always work, nor is it always welcomed. But this have-an-idea mindset forces us to engage in a situation and strive to improve it.

And thus Sullivan’s sage advice applies to every role we play in life:
1. Show up on time.
2. Do what is expected.
3. Have an idea to share.

And all three are essential for success:

If we show up on time and do what is expected but have no ideas to share, then we’re simply a commodity
If we show up on time and have ideas but don’t do what is expected, we’re obstructive.
If we do what is expected and have ideas but don’t show up on time, we’re a nuisance.

Thank you, Tom Hanks, for mentoring us by sharing this story! Pay attention to exasperated rants… they are often bursting with straightforward and sage advice.

[Flash] Who Are You Validating? (this is a Mentor’s Superpower)

Recently, my new favorite podcast Smartless featured Adam McKay, former head writer for Saturday Night Live and now writer and filmmaker for movies such as The Big Short and Don’t Look Up.

One of the hosts asked him, “Who validated you as a writer for the first time?”

Adam replied, “Mrs. Sealy was my English teacher my sophomore year in high school. For the most part, the teachers in my school barely clocked who we were. But then Mrs. Sealy called me after class and said, ‘You’re a good writer.’ It was the first time anyone ever said that to me.”

Who validated you?

While we are constantly evolving and growing, we don’t always get the validation we need for the shift we are making.

But when we do, it relieves us (even temporarily) from our fear of judgment and criticism, and it undergirds our aspirations.

What is validation? Recognition, support, acknowledgment, and acceptance without the requirement of approval or agreement. When we feel validated, it is the fuel we need to progress.

Fortunately, validation occurs through straightforward words and actions.

In high school, I was captivated by my business law class. When I shared my enthusiasm with my mom, she immediately responded, “Women can be attorneys.” She was the first to validate my burgeoning interest in becoming a lawyer. Then my dad collected for me newspaper articles on going to law school. And my business law teacher Mr. Rogina? He invited me to participate in the school’s moot court team.

Their words and actions validated me as a prospective lawyer before I had the confidence to self-validate.

As Mentors, validation is one of our most essential functions. Mentees are experimenting and transitioning, often with fears, doubts, and uncertainties. They need our acknowledgment, support, and acceptance to continue exploring and growing.

To thoughtfully validate others:

Ask questions and listen without judgment: “What has you interested in…?”
Lean in: “Interesting. Tell me more.”
Compliment: “You’re a great…”
Connect: “I know someone you should know…”
Contribute: “I found an article/book/workshop you might find valuable.”
Empathize: “I understand what it’s like to feel…”
Be present: pay complete attention to the conversation
Be kind: patient, understanding, concerned, appreciative, and considerate

Everyone wants to be heard and seen. With a few intentional words or actions, we can help people feel like their journey matters.

[Flash] When Jiddu Meets Queen Elsa (Care But Don’t Mind)

In 1977 in Ojai, California, the great Indian philosopher and spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti was lecturing on incessant worrying and perpetuated fears.

As the story goes, Krishnamurti paused his talk, leaned forward, and asked the audience almost surreptitiously, “Do you want to know what my secret is?” The audience waited with bated breath for his wisdom. “You see, I don’t mind what happens.”

While this is undoubtedly compelling (and not dissimilar to Queen Elsa in Frozen singing, “Let it go!”), the real secret is being able to care and not mind simultaneously.

To care about an outcome and take actions to influence or create that outcome
But when the outcome disappoints, to not be disappointed but activated to take different actions

We only mind what happens (and cannot “let it go”) when our expectations are missed.

Missed expectations remind us that we are not in control; we are, in fact, vulnerable.

This inability to control the uncontrollable ignites our frustrations and reactions, often sparking outbursts and altercations. In a world where we are desperate for control, missed expectations threaten our success.

But we can only control two things in life: our actions and our responses. Fortunately, that includes our perseverance, resilience, tenacity, commitment, and grit!

When we care but don’t mind what happens, missed expectations can inform our future actions instead of dictating our present reactions.

A few years ago, my cycling buddy Roger and I decided to bike from Crater Lake National Park to Yosemite National Park. It was a carefully planned trip, but many events missed our expectations: our train to Crater Lake was delayed by three hours; we had flat tires; the sprocket on my bike broke, causing a detour to a bike shop; I wasn’t feeling well one day; Roger wasn’t feeling well another day; and on the road up to Yosemite, the mighty winds knocked Roger entirely off his bike.

Did we care about any of this? Absolutely. Did we mind? Sometimes. But when we didn’t, we improvised, persevered, and pedaled. We still remember the experience as one of our favorite cycling adventures.

When we mind, we are at the mercy of an outcome.
When we care, we are always in control.

[Flash] When Jane Mentored Meryl Who Mentored Jane

In a Vanity Fair article reflecting on her career in Hollywood, Jane Fonda mused, “I didn’t see myself as a mentor.”

But Meryl Streep did.

Meryl met Jane in 1976 while filming the movie Julia, Meryl’s film debut. It was her first day ever on a movie set, and Meryl felt lost. Noticing this, Jane whispered to her, “Look down… over there, that green tape on the floor, that’s you. That’s your mark. And if you land on it, you will be in the light, and you will be in the movie.”

While paying tribute to Jane Fonda at the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award ceremony, Meryl thanked Jane for her inexhaustible guidance and for “opening more doors than I probably even know about.”

She then thanked Jane on behalf of all the young actors Meryl subsequently worked with because Meryl mentored them with Jane’s lessons and kindness.

Interestingly, Jane Fonda recalls the experience of working with Meryl Streep a bit differently.

“I was close to Bette Davis. I was close to Barbara Stanwyck and Katharine Hepburn. So why didn’t I ask them endless questions when I was new in the business? Like, ‘What do you do when you’re nervous? How do you overcome fear?’ And I didn’t! Do you know the only person who has ever asked me those kinds of questions? Meryl Streep!”

As author Annie Murphy Paul reported in her book The Extended Mind, “research consistently shows that engaging students in tutoring their peers has benefits for all involved, especially for the ones doing the teaching.”

…especially for the ones doing the teaching (the mentors!).

But how? Annie Murphy Paul continues, “Teaching is a deeply social act, one that initiates a set of powerful cognitive, attentional, and motivational processes that have the effect of changing the way the teacher thinks.”

…changing the way the teacher (the mentor!) thinks.

In other words, Jane’s mentoring Meryl ultimately shifted Jane’s thinking, not just Meryl’s.

Marvelously, mentoring has a boomerang effect. When you mentor others, you invariably get mentored in the process.

So the next time you have the opportunity to participate in a mentoring relationship… less hesitation, more assimilation!

[Flash] 5 Questions to Seize Our 4,000 Weeks

Recently I read Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman.

Being a mortal, I was eager to discover ground-breaking time management strategies. Instead, I encountered an earnest yet jolting discourse asserting that life is mockingly short.

According to Burkeman, the average life span is 77 years, granting us 4,000 weeks on this planet.

And rather than teach us how to cram more into a day, he boldly implores us to embrace our finiteness.

To make the most of our limited time, he asks 5 key questions (each of which could elevate and captivate your next mentoring conversation)…

1. Where in your life or your work are you currently pursuing comfort when what’s called for is a little discomfort?

I love being comfortable… physically, emotionally, and mentally. But all the bragging rights I’ve earned in my life have come from getting uncomfortable.

2. Are you holding yourself to, and judging yourself by, standards of productivity or performance that are impossible to meet?

I used to compare myself to my peers, but now I’m setting the bar on a Navy-SEAL-turned-motivational-speaker who tackles 25 projects before 4:00 am. I’m done waking up already behind.

3. In what ways have you yet to accept the fact that you are who you are, not the person you think you ought to be?

This one is challenging. I define my life by my commitment to improve, learn, and grow continuously. Can I do that without the self-flagellation?

4. In which areas of life are you still holding back until you feel like you know what you’re doing?

When I resist, I’ve noticed that I reference my experiences or lack thereof. But when I’m feeling brazen, I ignore them. All my best stories start with, “Yes, and I’ll figure it out later!”

5. How would you spend your life differently if you didn’t care so much about seeing your actions reach fruition?

I admit I don’t have many hobbies, nor do I play enough games. I constantly feel the need to justify my activities – if it’s not purposeful, then it must be unproductive. It’s time for more joy for the sake of joy!

Burkeman aptly started and ended his book with, “The average human life span is absurdly, terrifyingly, insultingly short.”

So… what shall we do with our precious weeks?

[Flash] Streaking (With Your Clothes On)

In the 1970s, an odd trend emerged on college campuses called “streaking,” where people ran naked through public areas to shock and amuse others.

Then in 2011, the messaging app Snapchat repurposed the term “streak” to gamify the act of exchanging messages multiple days in a row. Snapchat refers to this uninterrupted chain as a “Snapstreak.” The app tracks these streaks and encourages users to continue their daily exchanges.

And now there is a new kind of streaking: Goal Streaking – a continuous series of one activity in pursuit of a goal.

Goal Steaking examples:

exercise-daily streak
recognize-someone-weekly-for-their-work streak
make-a-new-connection streak
make-the-bed streak
team-huddle streak
arrive-early-to-meetings-to-connect-and-banter streak
return-emails-in-24-hours streak
monthly-mentoring-conversations streak

Personally, I have two unbroken streaks that continue to shape my life:

(1) My Flossing Streak
In 2005, I had a dentist crush on Dr. Michael Hing when I lived in San Francisco. His warm, gentle personality prevented me from lying to him about flossing my teeth (like I had to other dentists!) So, I challenged myself to floss every night for one month before my next appointment. This evolved into my now 6,205-day flossing streak and has positively contributed to my dental health.

(2) My Writing Streak
I started my writing streak in March 2015 to hone my skills and consistently connect with my circle. The weekly Flash! article was born. I credit my now 364-week streak with expanding my network, strengthening our mentoring programs with weekly content, and generating my latest book (In a Flash!) and my next one: Jolt of Flash! (available Q4 2022).

Recently, I discovered two apps designed to support any of our habit-creating, goal-driving streaks:

streaksapp.com
goalstreaks.com

Like Snapchat and our Mentors, each app prompts, chronicles, and celebrates our commitment to any activity.

From the goalstreaks site: “The best way to achieve your goals is by taking regular, meaningful steps towards them.”

With fierce intentionality and relentless commitment, we can shift or create any habit, opening the gateway to our goals.

What streak will you start?

[Flash] Growing Up in a House of Hope

My mom’s typical response to any suggestion or idea is, “Maybe. We’ll see.”

This retort was maddening to us as kids. We wanted clarity, conviction, and action – we wanted an instant “Yes!” Instead, we got hesitation, ambiguity, and uncertainty.

But my mom’s “Maybe. We’ll see” bought her time to consider, assess, and reflect.

Unbeknownst to us, it did something else… it fueled our hope. We proceeded with the hope that maybe just maybe, she would say “Yes!” to our request or idea.

I didn’t realize how much I fed on that hope until I met a friend who doesn’t consider or explore ideas. This Debbie Downer consistently leads with an automatic “No” coupled with an excuse.

Her deflating “No” makes me crave my mom’s “Maybe. We’ll see.” Because “We’ll see” kindles hope – there was always a possibility that my mom would say, “Yes!”

In a recent study published by social scientist Shane Lopez Ph.D., hope drives 14 percent of the productivity in the workplace – more than intelligence, optimism, or self-efficacy.

Based upon this research, Dr. Lopez identified five characteristics that make hopeful employees more productive.

Hopeful people:

show up for work
are more engaged
are more creative
are more resilient during adversity and change
are happy

He then offered three basic steps for cultivating hope:

Futurecast: envision a specific future goal
Create pathways toward that goal
Plan for contingencies and seek multiple solutions

And that’s how my mom cultivated hope! She met our goals with “Maybe. We’ll see,” keeping the pathway to those goals open while forcing us to develop a contingency plan.

“Maybe. We’ll see” may have exasperated us at times, but I’m grateful for growing up in a house of hope. It prepared us to be hope builders.

[Flash] My Gramps Was Santa Claus

My grandfather was 38 years sober when he died. He entered Alcoholics Anonymous at age 50, committed to pivoting his life.

I think of Gramps fondly at this time of year because he looked like Santa Claus: thick white hair, big round protruding belly, bulbous red nose, and a hearty laugh.

I don’t pretend to know what he was like before he was sober, but I am inspired by who he became after:

He dressed up as Santa Claus every year for the local photoshop and town parade.
He served as a crossing guard at the grade school in his neighborhood.
He graduated from college at age 65 with a degree in counseling.
He sponsored others in AA.
He pedaled his first century bike ride at age 70.
He told jokes to anyone who would listen and laugh.

And in his wallet, he carried his Alcoholics Anonymous coin with the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Lately, I’ve noticed that I’ve been operating with a shortage of serenity. So now, reflecting on how Gramps lived and evolved, I’m rewriting my Christmas list…

All I want for Christmas is:

1. Clarity.
Clarity around the changes I want to make.

2. Intentionality.
Purposeful conversations and activities.

3. Courage.
Courage to be bold and perseverant.

4. Patience.
Patience for the evolving journey that I am on.

5. Kindness.
Kindness and understanding for the journey that others are on.

6. Pause.
Deliberate pause in the moments that I fail at patience and kindness.

7. Wisdom.
Wisdom from intentionally curating insights.

Hope you get everything on your list!
Happy Holidays!

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