Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead

[Flash] I Wish I Could But I Don’t Want To

“I wish I could, but I don’t want to,” Phoebe Buffay responded bluntly on an episode of the sitcom Friends.Why? Because Phoebe had received an invitation that lacked an Impression of Increase.

Coined by author Wallace Wattles, the Impression of Increase describes the concept of feeling better off after an experience.

“All human activities are based on the desire for increase; people are seeking more food, more clothes, better shelter, more luxury, more beauty, more knowledge, more pleasure, more life.”

~ Wallace Wattles, The Science of Getting Rich

Everything in nature is either growing or dying. So, naturally, we are attracted to that which will help us grow.

We constantly decide how to spend our time, energy, and money. And the Impression of Increase drives those decisions.

Will this meeting, webinar, project, event, product, or service leave me better off than before?
Will it increase my knowledge, pleasure, or life?
Will it help me grow or improve?

If we don’t get an impression that the activity or person will help us advance, then we typically say, “No. I’m too busy,” or “I have decided to go in a different direction,” or, if we are Phoebe-honest, “I don’t want to.”

But we always make time for people or activities that can help us progress. As a boss and a business owner, I start every day thinking, “Who can help me solve my problems today?” I prioritize those people and those conversations.

Impression of increase also shapes participation in mentoring:

Will being a mentee advance my career potential?
Will being a mentor contribute to my leadership skills?
Can mentoring expand my network and connections?
Can I earn recognition or credit for certification?
Will it strengthen my reputation?
Will it help me feel more joy and meaning at work?

The challenge is that people answer these questions rapidly based on a program title, an email subject line, or a flyer.

So, when it’s essential to convey an Impression of Increase, we must be deliberate with our communications.

Forget about what’s in it for you, and don’t worry about what’s in it for them. Instead, rouse people with your undeniable commitment to helping them grow, advance, and increase.

[Flash] Bend & Flex Mentoring (this is not your JCPenney Mentor)

In 1979 my cousin Ben started his career as an assistant buyer at JCPenney in New York City. During his training program, one of the senior leaders walked to Ben’s desk each week and said, “Let’s open our calendars and find a time for lunch.” It was easy to schedule since everyone worked in the office and took lunch daily from 12-1:00 pm.

During these lunches, they connected personally and discussed career paths at JCPenney. This senior leader wasn’t stressed, over-scheduled, or frenzied with any work, as Ben remembers it. His only role in the department at that swan song point in his career was to mentor new hires.

Mentoring doesn’t look like this anymore because our work doesn’t look like this anymore.

To reap the benefits of mentoring in today’s rapidly changing, everything-is-urgent work environments, we need a bend & flex approach. One in which we bend and flex our expectations and contributions to meet our mentoring partners where they are.

Examples of Bend & Flex Mentoring:

A night shift mentee connects via Zoom on her phone with a day shift mentor as she ends her shift and he begins his.
An executive at a medical center leaves her office each week to “walk and mentor” her mentee, a nurse manager, while he visits patients.
When a new hire mentee didn’t reach out or respond to her emails, a mentor called and sent text messages to initiate contact. Because of this perseverance, the mentee immediately trusted her new mentor.
When Hurricane Ida hit New Orleans in 2021, the mentors in a leadership mentoring program ensured their mentees shadowed them during the hospital’s hurricane briefing sessions.
A mentor on the West coast talks with his mentee in the UK via WhatsApp when the mentor is heading to the office and the mentee is driving home from the office.
Two directors paired in a year-long leadership mentoring program booked weekly 10-minute touch-base calls to ensure they sustained their momentum throughout the program.

How to bend & flex in mentoring:

Utilize calls, texts, emails, and LinkedIn messages
Leverage Zoom, Teams, Webex, FaceTime, or WhatsApp
Schedule quick 15-minute calls
Send questions/topics in advance
Engage in bite-sized conversations (tackle one question or one issue only)
Anchor meetings to other activities (ex: attending a company event)
Share calendars or a calendar link
Enroll assistants to find available timeslots
Jump on a Waiting List (meetings are regularly canceled or rescheduled; ask to jump into an available slot when one opens)
Take advantage of transition points, downtimes, and routines (ex: driving, airport waiting, dog walking)

When you are committed to growing, developing, and improving, saying “I’m too busy” is simply a breakdown in resourcefulness and a failure in gumption.

Bend & flex to create a mentoring adventure together.

[Flash] Parched for Passion

I am a member of Adventure Cycling Association, which produces a monthly magazine filled with articles about cyclists and their travel-by-bicycle adventures.

Recently the editors highlighted a family that cycled together with a friend through Montana.

Before they departed, the friend asked the father if he thought the kids could accomplish the daunting journey up steep hills and across the Continental Divide. Without hesitation, the father replied, “We don’t need a team that can. We just need a team that thinks it can.”

Hire for passion, not for skill.

In my brazen 20s, as I was graduating from law school and searching for a job, I found the Employment Weekly newspaper in my neighborhood grocery store (because the Internet was not yet available). Every job listing stated, “minimum 5-7 years experience required.” Undeterred, I applied anyway, promoting my enthusiasm, perseverance, adaptability, and willingness to learn.

Unquestionably, the jobs were out of my skill range but not my passion range. And I’m grateful that my audacity overshadowed my sensibilities. I was young and sheltered by seven years of higher education, not yet hardened by reality.

And while I received more rejections than I thought my esteem could ever handle, I received one phone call from an in-house recruiter. He had looked past my limited skill set and noticed my determination and eagerness. He said, “You’re not ready for the job you responded to, but we are parched for passion. So, I’d like to introduce you to the team for a different opportunity.”

My career launched!

Today, as a hiring leader myself, I always win when I find someone who thinks they can, regardless of whether they can. I can teach the skills of the job. I can’t teach fire-in-the-belly.

And as someone who strives to be hired every day by current and future clients, I shine when I project my “think-i-can” passion rather than my “evaluating-if-i-can” hesitation.

“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t – you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford.

[Flash] When I Used My Hand Instead of a Cutting Board

I always cut avocados in my hand – the thick skin and large seed catch the knife. But this time, it was a lime. And I was distracted and rushed. When I picked up the lime and threw the knife into it, the blade tore right through the fruit and into my index finger.

Two days later, I underwent hand surgery to repair the tendon I had instantly severed. The doctor said it will take six weeks before my left hand is fully functional again. Until then, I am one-handing life.

Fortunately, there are valuable accessibility tools like the “dictate” function on my computer and the “voice-to-text” feature on my cell phone. (Now, if only I had a “voice-to-tie-shoelaces” tool!)

I had two days before surgery to prepare for my impending obstacle. Conceptually, I could envision operating with one hand. So, for example, I replaced the salt and pepper grinders with salt and pepper shakers and Ziplocs with bag clips.

But it wasn’t until I got out of surgery and physically experienced life with one hand that I comprehended the extent of my challenges. For example, I hadn’t contemplated single-handedly operating a manual can opener or putting my hair into a ponytail.

Only through immersion did I gain exposure, new perspectives, and a renewed appreciation for my perseverance.

Similarly, the leaders at Hyatt Hotel Corporation recognized the benefits of immersion. In 1989, they launched “Hyatt in Touch Day” to submerge corporate employees into the day-to-day operations of running a hotel.

Now a yearly ritual, Hyatt leaders close the corporate offices and dispatch each corporate employee to one of Hyatt’s hotels around the country. They spend the day greeting guests, hauling luggage, assigning rooms, serving lunches, pouring drinks, and cleaning rooms. Through this exposure program, the Hyatt corporate team is literally stepping into the hotel experience to gain a fresh outlook and insights into their own business.

Through mentoring, shadowing, observing, masterminding, and participating in peer groups, we can regularly create opportunities for exposure and experience. Just be sure to use a cutting board…

[Flash] Laughter is the Cement of Strong Mentoring

Last month, Stephen Colbert hosted singer Dua Lipa as his guest on The Tonight Show.

While promoting her new podcast, Dua Lipa shared her preference for interviewing people instead of being interviewed. Colbert then surprised her and said, “If you’d rather interview, you may interview me.” She paused and thoughtfully asked, “Do your faith and your comedy ever overlap?”

Without hesitation, Colbert mentioned enjoying the movie Belfast, reflecting, “It’s funny, and it’s sad. And it’s funny about being sad. Sadness is like an emotional death but not a defeat if you can find a way to laugh about it.”

He continued, “Because that laughter keeps us from having fear of it.”

Colbert then concluded, “No matter what happens, we are never defeated. We must see this in the light of eternity and find some way to love and laugh with each other.”

Humor guru William Fry, Professor Emeritus at Stanford University, found in his research that by the time the average child reaches kindergarten, they are laughing around 300 times each day.

But sadly, by the time that typical child becomes a typical adult, they are only laughing a measly 17 times per day (research by Rod Martin, Ph.D., University of Western Ontario).

While studies show laughter strengthens our physical immunity, laughter also helps us bond with others. Telling a joke, particularly one that points to our shared experiences, increases our sense of belonging and cohesion. Psychiatrist Joseph Richman, Professor at Albert Einstein Medical Center, contends that laughter counteracts feelings of alienation by psychologically connecting us to others.

We feel less alone when we laugh together.

Furthermore, when we’re stressed, we feel hopeless; but laughing helps us reclaim some control. Laughter reminds us that we can handle it.

And in mentoring, laughter suggests that we can handle it together. We bond, partner, and feel hope when we laugh with our mentors and mentees. We will not be defeated.

Strong mentoring relationships stand on a foundation of trust, goals, and structure. Laughter is the cement.

[Flash] We Love Change. We Hate Being Changed.

In 1968, when the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration required all cars to be equipped with seatbelts, drivers bristled.

By 1983, only 15% of Americans were using seatbelts.

In 1984, New York became the first state to mandate seatbelts, and soon other states followed.

But the public raged in opposition. People protested; they cut seatbelts out of their cars and challenged the mandates in court. Radio personality Jerry Williams launched a “crusade against seatbelts,” arguing, “We shouldn’t be forced to buckle up!” Others argued that seatbelts were ineffective, inconvenient, and uncomfortable.

Decades later, seatbelts no longer trigger such emotions. Today, over 90% of people use them without hesitation, protest, or fury.

We don’t hate change. (Everyone I know is working on improving or growing in some way, personally or professionally.)

We hate being changed. We don’t want people telling us how and when to change.

We value our personal freedom. We want to choose how and when to change our minds, shift our opinions, experiment with a new approach, adopt a different perspective, develop, adapt, adjust, or transform.

Like seatbelt mandates, unsolicited advice tests that freedom to choose.

People naturally justify, defend, and resist when faced with unexpected advice, opinions, or suggestions.

In psychology, this resistance is called “Reactance Theory.” Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is threatening their behavioral freedoms, eliminating their choices, or limiting their range of alternatives.

In response, the person becomes defensively defiant, exercising their freedom and decision-making.

Telling people how to live their lives is habitual if not well-intentioned (and sometimes even required). But any of the following approaches might allow us to influence and contribute while abating the vehement resistance in others:

Recognize and inhibit our advice-giving instincts.
Acknowledge their behavioral freedom, “Let me know if you would benefit from my advice, perspectives, ideas, or experiences.”
When they present a problem or issue, ask, “Where do you need the most help?”
Model different behavior.
Support and champion others on their journey (without judgment).

In the immortal words of Tom Cruise in the movie Jerry McGuire, “Help me help you!”

[Flash] 3 Roadblocks to Advice (and the Way Around Them)

While conducting a virtual workshop this week on the art of mentoring conversations, I focused on the practice of getting and giving advice, the heart of this collaborative exchange.

Toward the end of the workshop, a participant typed the following question into the Zoom chat box, “How do I overcome my fear around asking for advice?”

(The irony of him asking for advice on how to overcome his fear of asking for advice was not lost on me! I greatly appreciated his understated courage…)

To answer this, let’s first explore why we hesitate to ask for advice:

Pride
Fear
Dispassion

Pride. Asking for advice is essentially admitting that we need help. And our ego works endlessly to convince us that we don’t need anyone’s help.

Fear. We intensely fear (and avoid!) judgment and criticism. And asking for advice risks being judged for appearing unknowledgeable, incompetent, or weak.

Dispassion. Without a compelling pursuit, there’s no reason to seek advice or help from others.

Pride and fear will always eclipse dispassion. But passion can beat pride and fear, especially when peppered with vision and tenacity.

When I worked in Silicon Valley as a start-up attorney, my days were bursting with determined entrepreneurs so hungry for advice it seemed as if they forgot their pride and fear at home. I recall one of my favorite clients Piyush Patel, the founder and CEO of Yago. Always unassuming and appreciative, he would call me regularly to seek my advice or guidance, eager to learn and obtain the information he needed to make his next decision. His dedication to the success of his company muted his ego and overshadowed his fears.

But we don’t need an irreverent, audacious start-up to engage in mentoring conversations and ask for advice. We merely need an unflappable commitment to connect, improve, grow, and learn from the collective experience of others.

When we view advice as a gateway to information, instead of an indictment, we can lean into these conversations with our possibilities, not our pretensions.

[Flash] Imagine. Inspire. Involve. (RIP Dr. Paul Farmer)

Over the weekend, I saw the comedy-drama film Dog, Channing Tatum’s directorial debut. The movie follows the road trip of U.S. Army Ranger Briggs and Lulu, a retired military working dog. Briggs is charged with transporting Lulu from Washington to Arizona to attend the funeral of her handler, another Army Ranger who committed suicide.

Throughout the film, we witnessed Briggs struggling with post-traumatic stress disorder and an inability to make emotional connections. But during their wild adventure together, Lulu helps him make peace with his life.

It was entertaining, amusing, and poignant.

And by the end, I was heart-wrenchingly reminded of the plight of our soldiers who suffer from PTSD, and I got a glimpse into the world of military working dogs. I was eager to do something or get involved, even ready to adopt a retired dog.

But when the movie ended, only the credits rolled. There was no information about where to learn more or how I could make a difference.

Of course, I could have googled it. And granted, this movie was not a documentary or a public service announcement. In fact, Channing Tatum made this movie as a tribute to his dog Lulu who died from cancer in 2018.

But… there was a missed opportunity.

The movie invited me to imagine a different outcome for soldiers who suffer and retired military dogs. It inspired me to want to do something. But then it forgot to invite me to take action.

We often tend to overlook and overcomplicate opportunities to engage and collaborate. Why?

We become fascinated with our creation, idea, or project.
We get distracted sharing information or stories.
We don’t know what we want people to do with our idea, information, or story.
We assume others are disinterested.
We believe others have nothing to offer.
We’re reluctant to ask.

But sparking collaboration can be straightforward and engaging:

Imagine another possibility.
Inspire others with this possibility.
Involve people in creating a new solution.

Dr. Paul Farmer, who passed away this week, was a champion of global health equity. In an interview with Wired in 2013, Dr. Farmer said, “We have to design a health delivery system by actually talking to people and asking, ‘What would make this service better for you?‘”

Imagine. Inspire. Involve.

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