Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead

[Flash] 3 Roadblocks to Advice (and the Way Around Them)

While conducting a virtual workshop this week on the art of mentoring conversations, I focused on the practice of getting and giving advice, the heart of this collaborative exchange.

Toward the end of the workshop, a participant typed the following question into the Zoom chat box, “How do I overcome my fear around asking for advice?”

(The irony of him asking for advice on how to overcome his fear of asking for advice was not lost on me! I greatly appreciated his understated courage…)

To answer this, let’s first explore why we hesitate to ask for advice:

Pride
Fear
Dispassion

Pride. Asking for advice is essentially admitting that we need help. And our ego works endlessly to convince us that we don’t need anyone’s help.

Fear. We intensely fear (and avoid!) judgment and criticism. And asking for advice risks being judged for appearing unknowledgeable, incompetent, or weak.

Dispassion. Without a compelling pursuit, there’s no reason to seek advice or help from others.

Pride and fear will always eclipse dispassion. But passion can beat pride and fear, especially when peppered with vision and tenacity.

When I worked in Silicon Valley as a start-up attorney, my days were bursting with determined entrepreneurs so hungry for advice it seemed as if they forgot their pride and fear at home. I recall one of my favorite clients Piyush Patel, the founder and CEO of Yago. Always unassuming and appreciative, he would call me regularly to seek my advice or guidance, eager to learn and obtain the information he needed to make his next decision. His dedication to the success of his company muted his ego and overshadowed his fears.

But we don’t need an irreverent, audacious start-up to engage in mentoring conversations and ask for advice. We merely need an unflappable commitment to connect, improve, grow, and learn from the collective experience of others.

When we view advice as a gateway to information, instead of an indictment, we can lean into these conversations with our possibilities, not our pretensions.

[Flash] Imagine. Inspire. Involve. (RIP Dr. Paul Farmer)

Over the weekend, I saw the comedy-drama film Dog, Channing Tatum’s directorial debut. The movie follows the road trip of U.S. Army Ranger Briggs and Lulu, a retired military working dog. Briggs is charged with transporting Lulu from Washington to Arizona to attend the funeral of her handler, another Army Ranger who committed suicide.

Throughout the film, we witnessed Briggs struggling with post-traumatic stress disorder and an inability to make emotional connections. But during their wild adventure together, Lulu helps him make peace with his life.

It was entertaining, amusing, and poignant.

And by the end, I was heart-wrenchingly reminded of the plight of our soldiers who suffer from PTSD, and I got a glimpse into the world of military working dogs. I was eager to do something or get involved, even ready to adopt a retired dog.

But when the movie ended, only the credits rolled. There was no information about where to learn more or how I could make a difference.

Of course, I could have googled it. And granted, this movie was not a documentary or a public service announcement. In fact, Channing Tatum made this movie as a tribute to his dog Lulu who died from cancer in 2018.

But… there was a missed opportunity.

The movie invited me to imagine a different outcome for soldiers who suffer and retired military dogs. It inspired me to want to do something. But then it forgot to invite me to take action.

We often tend to overlook and overcomplicate opportunities to engage and collaborate. Why?

We become fascinated with our creation, idea, or project.
We get distracted sharing information or stories.
We don’t know what we want people to do with our idea, information, or story.
We assume others are disinterested.
We believe others have nothing to offer.
We’re reluctant to ask.

But sparking collaboration can be straightforward and engaging:

Imagine another possibility.
Inspire others with this possibility.
Involve people in creating a new solution.

Dr. Paul Farmer, who passed away this week, was a champion of global health equity. In an interview with Wired in 2013, Dr. Farmer said, “We have to design a health delivery system by actually talking to people and asking, ‘What would make this service better for you?‘”

Imagine. Inspire. Involve.

[Flash] When Tom Hanks Heard Wisdom in a Rant

While accepting an award at the Golden Globes in January 2020, Tom Hanks shared the story of a director who mentored him in a moment of frustration.

In one of his first acting experiences, Tom worked with director Dan Sullivan in the Great Lakes Shakespeare Festival in 1977. The night the play Hamlet opened, the cast partied in celebration. The following day, they arrived to practice late, hungover, and sluggish. And no one knew their lines for the new play.

Annoyed, Sullivan yelled at everyone, “We’ve got three weeks to get this new show up on its feet, and you people are not even trying! I can’t do my job if you guys don’t do your jobs!”

When Sullivan continued, he shared one of the greatest lessons a young professional could ever receive, one that Tom has carried with him his entire career:

“You guys have to show up on time, know your lines, and have an idea. I can’t provide everything here!”

In a recent podcast interview, the show’s host asked Tom about the origin of his unmistakable commitment and leadership in each project. Tom again shared the story of Sullivan’s timeless advice.

Tom explained that actors have a viewpoint different than the director. And “having an idea” means suggesting something that could contribute based on that viewpoint. For example, “This isn’t on the page, but let me show you something.”

Of course, offering ideas to our boss doesn’t always work, nor is it always welcomed. But this have-an-idea mindset forces us to engage in a situation and strive to improve it.

And thus Sullivan’s sage advice applies to every role we play in life:
1. Show up on time.
2. Do what is expected.
3. Have an idea to share.

And all three are essential for success:

If we show up on time and do what is expected but have no ideas to share, then we’re simply a commodity
If we show up on time and have ideas but don’t do what is expected, we’re obstructive.
If we do what is expected and have ideas but don’t show up on time, we’re a nuisance.

Thank you, Tom Hanks, for mentoring us by sharing this story! Pay attention to exasperated rants… they are often bursting with straightforward and sage advice.

[Flash] Who Are You Validating? (this is a Mentor’s Superpower)

Recently, my new favorite podcast Smartless featured Adam McKay, former head writer for Saturday Night Live and now writer and filmmaker for movies such as The Big Short and Don’t Look Up.

One of the hosts asked him, “Who validated you as a writer for the first time?”

Adam replied, “Mrs. Sealy was my English teacher my sophomore year in high school. For the most part, the teachers in my school barely clocked who we were. But then Mrs. Sealy called me after class and said, ‘You’re a good writer.’ It was the first time anyone ever said that to me.”

Who validated you?

While we are constantly evolving and growing, we don’t always get the validation we need for the shift we are making.

But when we do, it relieves us (even temporarily) from our fear of judgment and criticism, and it undergirds our aspirations.

What is validation? Recognition, support, acknowledgment, and acceptance without the requirement of approval or agreement. When we feel validated, it is the fuel we need to progress.

Fortunately, validation occurs through straightforward words and actions.

In high school, I was captivated by my business law class. When I shared my enthusiasm with my mom, she immediately responded, “Women can be attorneys.” She was the first to validate my burgeoning interest in becoming a lawyer. Then my dad collected for me newspaper articles on going to law school. And my business law teacher Mr. Rogina? He invited me to participate in the school’s moot court team.

Their words and actions validated me as a prospective lawyer before I had the confidence to self-validate.

As Mentors, validation is one of our most essential functions. Mentees are experimenting and transitioning, often with fears, doubts, and uncertainties. They need our acknowledgment, support, and acceptance to continue exploring and growing.

To thoughtfully validate others:

Ask questions and listen without judgment: “What has you interested in…?”
Lean in: “Interesting. Tell me more.”
Compliment: “You’re a great…”
Connect: “I know someone you should know…”
Contribute: “I found an article/book/workshop you might find valuable.”
Empathize: “I understand what it’s like to feel…”
Be present: pay complete attention to the conversation
Be kind: patient, understanding, concerned, appreciative, and considerate

Everyone wants to be heard and seen. With a few intentional words or actions, we can help people feel like their journey matters.

[Flash] When Jiddu Meets Queen Elsa (Care But Don’t Mind)

In 1977 in Ojai, California, the great Indian philosopher and spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti was lecturing on incessant worrying and perpetuated fears.

As the story goes, Krishnamurti paused his talk, leaned forward, and asked the audience almost surreptitiously, “Do you want to know what my secret is?” The audience waited with bated breath for his wisdom. “You see, I don’t mind what happens.”

While this is undoubtedly compelling (and not dissimilar to Queen Elsa in Frozen singing, “Let it go!”), the real secret is being able to care and not mind simultaneously.

To care about an outcome and take actions to influence or create that outcome
But when the outcome disappoints, to not be disappointed but activated to take different actions

We only mind what happens (and cannot “let it go”) when our expectations are missed.

Missed expectations remind us that we are not in control; we are, in fact, vulnerable.

This inability to control the uncontrollable ignites our frustrations and reactions, often sparking outbursts and altercations. In a world where we are desperate for control, missed expectations threaten our success.

But we can only control two things in life: our actions and our responses. Fortunately, that includes our perseverance, resilience, tenacity, commitment, and grit!

When we care but don’t mind what happens, missed expectations can inform our future actions instead of dictating our present reactions.

A few years ago, my cycling buddy Roger and I decided to bike from Crater Lake National Park to Yosemite National Park. It was a carefully planned trip, but many events missed our expectations: our train to Crater Lake was delayed by three hours; we had flat tires; the sprocket on my bike broke, causing a detour to a bike shop; I wasn’t feeling well one day; Roger wasn’t feeling well another day; and on the road up to Yosemite, the mighty winds knocked Roger entirely off his bike.

Did we care about any of this? Absolutely. Did we mind? Sometimes. But when we didn’t, we improvised, persevered, and pedaled. We still remember the experience as one of our favorite cycling adventures.

When we mind, we are at the mercy of an outcome.
When we care, we are always in control.

[Flash] When Jane Mentored Meryl Who Mentored Jane

In a Vanity Fair article reflecting on her career in Hollywood, Jane Fonda mused, “I didn’t see myself as a mentor.”

But Meryl Streep did.

Meryl met Jane in 1976 while filming the movie Julia, Meryl’s film debut. It was her first day ever on a movie set, and Meryl felt lost. Noticing this, Jane whispered to her, “Look down… over there, that green tape on the floor, that’s you. That’s your mark. And if you land on it, you will be in the light, and you will be in the movie.”

While paying tribute to Jane Fonda at the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award ceremony, Meryl thanked Jane for her inexhaustible guidance and for “opening more doors than I probably even know about.”

She then thanked Jane on behalf of all the young actors Meryl subsequently worked with because Meryl mentored them with Jane’s lessons and kindness.

Interestingly, Jane Fonda recalls the experience of working with Meryl Streep a bit differently.

“I was close to Bette Davis. I was close to Barbara Stanwyck and Katharine Hepburn. So why didn’t I ask them endless questions when I was new in the business? Like, ‘What do you do when you’re nervous? How do you overcome fear?’ And I didn’t! Do you know the only person who has ever asked me those kinds of questions? Meryl Streep!”

As author Annie Murphy Paul reported in her book The Extended Mind, “research consistently shows that engaging students in tutoring their peers has benefits for all involved, especially for the ones doing the teaching.”

…especially for the ones doing the teaching (the mentors!).

But how? Annie Murphy Paul continues, “Teaching is a deeply social act, one that initiates a set of powerful cognitive, attentional, and motivational processes that have the effect of changing the way the teacher thinks.”

…changing the way the teacher (the mentor!) thinks.

In other words, Jane’s mentoring Meryl ultimately shifted Jane’s thinking, not just Meryl’s.

Marvelously, mentoring has a boomerang effect. When you mentor others, you invariably get mentored in the process.

So the next time you have the opportunity to participate in a mentoring relationship… less hesitation, more assimilation!

[Flash] 5 Questions to Seize Our 4,000 Weeks

Recently I read Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman.

Being a mortal, I was eager to discover ground-breaking time management strategies. Instead, I encountered an earnest yet jolting discourse asserting that life is mockingly short.

According to Burkeman, the average life span is 77 years, granting us 4,000 weeks on this planet.

And rather than teach us how to cram more into a day, he boldly implores us to embrace our finiteness.

To make the most of our limited time, he asks 5 key questions (each of which could elevate and captivate your next mentoring conversation)…

1. Where in your life or your work are you currently pursuing comfort when what’s called for is a little discomfort?

I love being comfortable… physically, emotionally, and mentally. But all the bragging rights I’ve earned in my life have come from getting uncomfortable.

2. Are you holding yourself to, and judging yourself by, standards of productivity or performance that are impossible to meet?

I used to compare myself to my peers, but now I’m setting the bar on a Navy-SEAL-turned-motivational-speaker who tackles 25 projects before 4:00 am. I’m done waking up already behind.

3. In what ways have you yet to accept the fact that you are who you are, not the person you think you ought to be?

This one is challenging. I define my life by my commitment to improve, learn, and grow continuously. Can I do that without the self-flagellation?

4. In which areas of life are you still holding back until you feel like you know what you’re doing?

When I resist, I’ve noticed that I reference my experiences or lack thereof. But when I’m feeling brazen, I ignore them. All my best stories start with, “Yes, and I’ll figure it out later!”

5. How would you spend your life differently if you didn’t care so much about seeing your actions reach fruition?

I admit I don’t have many hobbies, nor do I play enough games. I constantly feel the need to justify my activities – if it’s not purposeful, then it must be unproductive. It’s time for more joy for the sake of joy!

Burkeman aptly started and ended his book with, “The average human life span is absurdly, terrifyingly, insultingly short.”

So… what shall we do with our precious weeks?

[Flash] Streaking (With Your Clothes On)

In the 1970s, an odd trend emerged on college campuses called “streaking,” where people ran naked through public areas to shock and amuse others.

Then in 2011, the messaging app Snapchat repurposed the term “streak” to gamify the act of exchanging messages multiple days in a row. Snapchat refers to this uninterrupted chain as a “Snapstreak.” The app tracks these streaks and encourages users to continue their daily exchanges.

And now there is a new kind of streaking: Goal Streaking – a continuous series of one activity in pursuit of a goal.

Goal Steaking examples:

exercise-daily streak
recognize-someone-weekly-for-their-work streak
make-a-new-connection streak
make-the-bed streak
team-huddle streak
arrive-early-to-meetings-to-connect-and-banter streak
return-emails-in-24-hours streak
monthly-mentoring-conversations streak

Personally, I have two unbroken streaks that continue to shape my life:

(1) My Flossing Streak
In 2005, I had a dentist crush on Dr. Michael Hing when I lived in San Francisco. His warm, gentle personality prevented me from lying to him about flossing my teeth (like I had to other dentists!) So, I challenged myself to floss every night for one month before my next appointment. This evolved into my now 6,205-day flossing streak and has positively contributed to my dental health.

(2) My Writing Streak
I started my writing streak in March 2015 to hone my skills and consistently connect with my circle. The weekly Flash! article was born. I credit my now 364-week streak with expanding my network, strengthening our mentoring programs with weekly content, and generating my latest book (In a Flash!) and my next one: Jolt of Flash! (available Q4 2022).

Recently, I discovered two apps designed to support any of our habit-creating, goal-driving streaks:

streaksapp.com
goalstreaks.com

Like Snapchat and our Mentors, each app prompts, chronicles, and celebrates our commitment to any activity.

From the goalstreaks site: “The best way to achieve your goals is by taking regular, meaningful steps towards them.”

With fierce intentionality and relentless commitment, we can shift or create any habit, opening the gateway to our goals.

What streak will you start?

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