Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead

[Flash] Thanksgiving Conversation Starters

As we embark on the annual ritual of gathering to eat with friends, family, and sometimes strangers, we are faced with the impending need to make conversation.

Whether we want to merely be polite and entertaining or intentionally curious and committed to connecting, it’s all about the questions we ask.

To prepare conversation-starter questions, pay attention to talk show hosts and podcast interviewers. Take, for example, Ryan Seacrest, co-host of the television show Live with Kelly and Ryan, and Willie Geist, host of the weekly podcast Sunday Sitdown.

Ryan engages light-heartedly in entertaining, surface-level banter. Whereas Willie immerses himself in his guest’s world, determined to discover and appreciate that person’s journey and the insights they have gleaned from life.

Some example questions pulled directly from their recent interviews:

Ryan Questions

Did you go anywhere after the Oscars?
Will there be any reunion of the Avengers?
What’s your workout regime?
Do your kids join you on location?
How do you find the time for all of this?
What do you do for Thanksgiving? Any traditions?
What are you watching on TV?
You have a big announcement – what are you up to?
Were you nervous?
Tell us about that new project.

Willie Questions

What have you learned this year?
What made you choose that direction?
What was that experience like?
Why is that your favorite thing to do?
Where did that passion come from?
What’s it like to…
Which move felt like your big break?
Do you think that decision helped or hurt your career?
How much fun do you have with that?
What’s on the horizon that you’re looking forward to?

Regardless of the conversations that you create this holiday, guests will be grateful for your effort to engage and your interest in their lives. And who knows… you might feel more connected, learn something new, turn strangers into friends, and savor the celebration.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Flash] Mentoring on a Four Agreements Foundation

I recently re-read The Four Agreements and loved it all over again.

According to the author Don Miguel Ruiz, everything we do is based on agreements we’ve made with ourselves and with others. When those agreements are fear-based, they fuel self-limitations, diminish self-worth, and inflame needless suffering.

He argues that to free ourselves from fear, we must re-negotiate these agreements and adopt new ones.

His 4 agreements for less stress and more joy:

Be impeccable with your word
Don’t take anything personally
Don’t make assumptions
Always do your best

And what better construct to practice these life edicts than the safe environment of a mentoring relationship?

Here’s how to strengthen our mentoring experiences with the four agreements:

1. Be impeccable with your word.

Speak with integrity; choose your words intentionally – they have influence and power.
Don’t gossip about others – it doesn’t serve the mentoring conversation.
Follow through on commitments – taking responsibility for actions strengthens trust and engagement with your mentoring partner.

2. Don’t take anything personally.

Each of you brings your unique viewpoint to the relationship.
Advice from a mentor is not meant as an indictment, a judgment, or an affront – mentors might be inexperienced in their delivery, but they’re never evil.
Likewise, inaction by a mentee is not a reflection of the mentor’s value.
Mentoring is personal, but don’t take it personally.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

Assumptions are the greatest threat to your mentoring relationship.
Close gaps in expectations early and often to avoid unnecessary conflict.
Engage with curiosity and compassion. Ask questions. Clarify. Confirm.
When connecting with a mentoring partner, don’t rely only on email. Dial the phone, send a text, and direct a message on Teams or LinkedIn.

4. Always do your best.

In each interaction with your mentoring partner, do your best to integrate the first three agreements.
Respond. Be present. Be engaged. Turn on your camera or show up in person. Take notes. Follow up. Follow through. Contribute. Be contributed to.

With four simple yet profound agreements, we can free ourselves from the sabotage that undermines our mentoring and threatens our joy in life.

[Flash] How Jennifer Garner’s Belief in Mentoring Evolved Her Leadership

Jennifer Garner, famous for her roles in Hollywood, is also a businesswoman. Committed to organic, healthy foods for kids, she co-founded and now serves as Chief Brand Officer for Once Upon a Farm, a plant-rich snacks and meal company.

While she has never taken a business class, Jennifer does not allow her lack of education and experience to hold her back. Instead, she shared in an interview recently that she enjoys “just being completely ignorant and having this incredible group of brilliant people to talk to.”

Jennifer then revealed how she keeps learning from this group. “As we’re in meetings, I circle what I don’t understand so I can ask later.”

With a resolve to grow from the people around her, Jennifer has learned to lead while leading. “It’s been a full-on education for me, but I’m happiest in a community.”

“In the beginning, I was always asking [Once Upon a Time CEO John] Foraker. We’d finish a call, and I would call him back to ask these basic business questions.”

But as Jennifer’s understanding and proficiency strengthened, so did her questions. She continued, “I started going deeper and asking questions that were more CPG-specific [Consumer Packaged Goods], then I would ask more grocery-related things and even go on sales calls all over the country.”

How Jennifer’s belief in mentoring bolstered her leadership:

Confident she could learn from her partners, she accepted a role based on her passion, not based on her experience or expertise
She regularly highlights her knowledge gaps so she can focus her questions
She makes a point of asking in the moment
She measures her growth by the improvement of her questions
She seeks new experiences for additional learning

Jennifer didn’t allow her fear or imposter syndrome to derail her desire to join the company and become a leader. Rather, she looked to her community and leaned on the power of her peers to bridge the gaps in her wisdom.

Her sage advice: “There is strength in believing in your partners.”

[Flash] When Patagonia CEO Used Ad Hoc Mentoring

In 1979 when Patagonia’s general manager quit, founder Yvon Chouinard did not want to take the reins – he had always avoided seeing himself as a businessman. Instead, he preferred to create and test equipment and clothing.

He turned to Kristine McDivitt, another manager at Patagonia, and put her at the helm.

As she retells it in an interview, which Yvon highlighted in his book Let My People Go Surfing, “In 1977, there were 16 of us when [the general manager] quit. Yvon gave me the companies, saying in effect, ‘Here’s Patagonia. Here’s Chouinard Equipment. Do with them what you will. I’m going climbing.”

But Kristine had no business experience – she didn’t know how to run a company.

So, she started asking people for free advice – she cold-called for mentoring.

“I just called presidents of banks and said, ‘I’ve been given these companies to run, and I’ve no idea what I’m doing. I think someone should help me.’ And they did. If you just ask people for help – if you just admit that you don’t know something – they will fall all over themselves trying to help. So from there, I began building the company.”

Kristine successfully ran and grew Patagonia as CEO for 13 years.

Ad Hoc Mentoring
While we always assume people are busy, we can also assume that people have advice to share.

Asking someone for help triggers their “prosocial behavior” – their desire to help for the greater good. Essentially, when we ask someone for guidance, we are inviting them to help us and make a difference.

Gratifyingly, offering advice, perspectives, or ideas is an easy lift. People can contribute without assuming the project or the problem. They get to help without the homework.

While Kristine’s audacious task of leading Patagonia fueled her need to create these conversations, we each have the power to elevate any interaction into ad hoc mentoring.

How? Five simple words: “Can I ask your advice?”

And because ad hoc mentoring is indifferent to title, tenure, rank, and age, we can connect and converse with anyone.

When you couple that compelling question with determination and courage, you’ll effortlessly unlock a world of wisdom.

[Flash] When My Boss Invited Me to Mentor Him

My first job after law school moved me from Chicago to Silicon Valley for the tax research team at Coopers & Lybrand.

The firm’s managing partner, Glen Rossman, had personally called to offer me the job and encourage me to join his practice. I confess, Glen had me at “hello!”

I was excited about my adventure. Finally, after seven years of schooling, I was ready to wear a suit, enter the workforce, and earn a paycheck!

But when I arrived at the sea of cubicles on Floor 5, I quickly discovered a malaise lingering like San Francisco fog. My colleagues were unhappy – they didn’t love their adult jobs like I thought they would.

And I was certain that Glen was unaware of this discontent. Unfortunately, Glen’s title intimidated people into promoting the façade of a happy workforce instead of revealing the reality.

Perhaps it was my naivete, but I felt a responsibility to inform Glen – how could he address it if he was nescient regarding the situation?

Concurrently, I was reading The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz and discovering the importance of including solutions to any problem presented to the boss. So, I prepared several ideas.

I then typed an interoffice memo to Glen (yes, there was a time before email…) with my observations and ideas and sent it via interoffice mail.

Admittedly, it was a bit brazen, but it was well-intentioned.

A week later, Glen’s assistant phoned – Glen was ready to discuss my memo.

I was incredibly nervous – I was meeting with the managing partner, and I wasn’t sure if I was in trouble.

Quite the opposite. Glen was curious and eager to learn from me! Over the next six months, we met regularly to explore my observations and my proposed solutions. He then implemented a few of my ideas and noticeably improved the culture of the office!

I’ve always been grateful to Glen for his mentoring – he encouraged my enthusiasm, my initiative, and my leadership. And I credit Glen for kindling my passion around our collective quest for #joblove.

But Glen also modeled a valuable leadership quality: the commitment to discover, learn, and grow regardless of tenure and title.

Glen wasn’t placating me during our six months of meetings – he was inviting me to mentor him!

Bottom line: mentoring can strengthen leadership muscles, but only if leaders intentionally engage in a variety of mentoring conversations.

[Flash] What Makes Mentoring Work… the Hawthorne Effect

Mentoring gives us an edge. It encourages us to:

exchange knowledge
curate insights
formulate ideas
improve our confidence
strengthen our leadership muscles
leverage champions

Whether you’re critically thinking through a goal or need a sounding board for an in-the-moment crisis, a mentoring partner is invaluable!

But what makes mentoring work? What’s the secret sauce?

Introducing the Hawthorne Effect

In 1924, Harvard Business School Professor Elton Mayo set out to study motivation by experimenting on the workers at the Western Electric Hawthorne Works factory in Cicero, Illinois.

Over the subsequent eight years, he conducted tests to ascertain what factors influenced people to work harder.

For each experiment, he selected a group of workers from the factory, placed them in a special room to work, and then fiddled with their working conditions. For example, he changed the lighting or the temperature or the number of allowed breaks during their shift.

And with each change, Mayo monitored their productivity.

He wanted to see if any changes improved their motivation to work harder and produce more.

Surprisingly, they all did! Every change that Mayo made increased the workers’ productivity… but not for the reasons Mayo originally predicted.

Eventually, Professor Mayo discovered that the individuals were altering their behavior because they knew Mayo was observing them in action. As soon as Mayo started watching them work, the workers worked harder, which increased their productivity.

Mayo concluded that because the Hawthorne Factory workers were chosen to participate in the experiment, they felt important – Mayo singled them out and involved them in his experiments. And because Mayo watched them, they felt their actions were important. As result, they felt motivated to accomplish more.

Like all humans, the workers wanted someone to notice and care.

This is known as the “Hawthorne Effect,” and it’s the fuel that powers every robust mentoring relationship.

We all want our work to matter. And we all want someone to notice that our work matters – as Professor Mayo did.

When that someone is our mentor, we too alter our behavior. We know our mentor is watching and cares about our goals, actions, learnings, growth, and success.

And that makes us care, work harder, and accomplish more.

Mentoring. Powered by the Hawthorne Effect.

[Flash] What If It Doesn’t Work Out?

I’ve been training mentors recently who will participate in a nurse leader mentoring program that we’re launching soon.

The mentors in this program are eager to make a difference and slightly nervous about their efficacy. Exactly how I want my mentors – hungry and humble! 🙂

During the training, a mentor voiced a collective concern:
“What if it doesn’t work out?”

I deliberately inquired, “What specifically might not work out?”

This gave them pause, so I probed.

“Are you concerned that…

your mentee won’t find time to connect?
you won’t bond with or even like your mentee?
you won’t know what to talk about?
you won’t have the right advice to offer?
your mentee won’t transform through this process?”

When I saw multiple heads nodding over Zoom, it confirmed my suspicion – they’re worried they won’t be good mentors!

I offered the following guidance…

5 questions to consider before giving up:

1. Have I persevered in making contact?

Engage multiple communication tools until you make contact with your new mentoring partner: phone, text, email, LinkedIn, and feet (walk to their office/unit if possible). Don’t wait or make assumptions before you’ve even said “hello!”

2. Have I worked on building trust?

Engage get-to-know-you questions to turn this stranger into a friend quickly. Be curious, find commonalities, and share something personal – your mentee will follow your lead. Through tenacity, we can create connection with different and difficult personalities.

3. Have we identified a goal or an objective?

Mentors serve by (1) critically thinking with mentees around goals, and (2) being a confidant when mentees grapple with an in-the-moment crisis. Each situation brings direction and purpose to your conversations.

4. Am I exploring options, ideas, and insights?

To support their growth, help a mentee explore options and ideas; then encourage action and identify insights from their results. (And it doesn’t matter if they follow or ignore your advice!)

5. Do I know when we’re meeting next and what to expect?

Create a cadence and ensure expectations are clear, communicated, and confirmed regularly. If expectations are not being met, you can re-negotiate your agreement or withdraw your commitment.

When Mentees don’t show up literally or figuratively, there is always a reason: insecurity, intimidation, confusion, fear, self-sabotage, or overwhelm – each a crisis calling us to mentor, not surrender.

We must make the mentoring experience personal but not take it personally.

[Flash] We Are the Answer to Each Other’s Problems

Recently, I read a heartwarming novel entitled All the Lonely People by Mike Gayle.

And then, through a virtual book club, I had the privilege of listening to an interview with the author in which he shared his experience and perspectives on writing this book in 2019.

Even before the pandemic caused a tsunami of isolation, Mike chose loneliness as the focus of his story.

During the interview, he reflected on his cacophony of characters, noting how each addressed their loneliness by connecting with strangers and creating a community.

As he concluded his comments, Mike left us with this gift: “We are the answer to each other’s problems.”

And that is why I love mentoring – we are the answer to each other’s problems. From crisis to critical thinking, we are better grappling and tackling coupled than siloed.

“No one needs new friends.” I have flippantly said this to mentoring program leaders during our strategy sessions, imploring them to devise a more compelling reason for people to enroll in mentoring.

But I’m now eliminating that proclamation. Because we could all use new friends, champions, comrades, advocates, and allies at work and in life.

In a new study, researchers discovered that feeling lonely is more damaging than smoking, adding almost two years to our biological age and increasing our risk of Alzheimer’s, diabetes, and heart disease.

In 2017, the U.S. Surgeon General called loneliness a “growing health epidemic.” And in 2018, London appointed a Minister of Loneliness to combat its country’s loneliness problem.

Fortunately, innovative anti-loneliness ideas have been popping up around the world:

>> Shared Lives, a home-sharing initiative, matches lonely retirees with young people needing a place to live.

>> Men’s Shed Movement connects retired/unemployed men through activities like woodworking and repairing electronics.

>> HostNation pairs refugees with volunteers in their neighborhood.

>> Intergenerational Care Homes combine childcare and eldercare by placing preschools inside retirement homes.

And just like that, your organization’s mentoring program takes on a new purpose: combatting loneliness.

We can enrich any mentoring experience by remembering that we are the answer to each other’s problems.

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