All Posts by Ann Tardy

The mentors in this program are eager to make a difference and slightly nervous about their efficacy. Exactly how I want my mentors – hungry and humble! 🙂

During the training, a mentor voiced a collective concern:
“What if it doesn’t work out?”

I deliberately inquired, “What specifically might not work out?”

This gave them pause, so I probed.

“Are you concerned that…

• your mentee won’t find time to connect?
• you won’t bond with or even like your mentee?
• you won’t know what to talk about?
• you won’t have the right advice to offer?
• your mentee won’t transform through this process?”

When I saw multiple heads nodding over Zoom, it confirmed my suspicion – they’re worried they won’t be good mentors!

I offered the following guidance…

5 questions to consider before giving up:

1. Have I persevered in making contact?

Engage multiple communication tools until you make contact with your new mentoring partner: phone, text, email, LinkedIn, and feet (walk to their office/unit if possible). Don’t wait or make assumptions before you’ve even said “hello!”

2. Have I worked on building trust?

Engage get-to-know-you questions to turn this stranger into a friend quickly. Be curious, find commonalities, and share something personal – your mentee will follow your lead. Through tenacity, we can create connection with different and difficult personalities.

3. Have we identified a goal or an objective?

Mentors serve by (1) critically thinking with mentees around goals, and (2) being a confidant when mentees grapple with an in-the-moment crisis. Each situation brings direction and purpose to your conversations.

4. Am I exploring options, ideas, and insights?

To support their growth, help a mentee explore options and ideas; then encourage action and identify insights from their results. (And it doesn’t matter if they follow or ignore your advice!)

5. Do I know when we’re meeting next and what to expect?

Create a cadence and ensure expectations are clear, communicated, and confirmed regularly. If expectations are not being met, you can re-negotiate your agreement or withdraw your commitment.

When Mentees don’t show up literally or figuratively, there is always a reason: insecurity, intimidation, confusion, fear, self-sabotage, or overwhelm – each a crisis calling us to mentor, not surrender.

We must make the mentoring experience personal but not take it personally.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

And then, through a virtual book club, I had the privilege of listening to an interview with the author in which he shared his experience and perspectives on writing this book in 2019.

Even before the pandemic caused a tsunami of isolation, Mike chose loneliness as the focus of his story.

During the interview, he reflected on his cacophony of characters, noting how each addressed their loneliness by connecting with strangers and creating a community.

As he concluded his comments, Mike left us with this gift: “We are the answer to each other’s problems.”

And that is why I love mentoring – we are the answer to each other’s problems. From crisis to critical thinking, we are better grappling and tackling coupled than siloed.

“No one needs new friends.” I have flippantly said this to mentoring program leaders during our strategy sessions, imploring them to devise a more compelling reason for people to enroll in mentoring.

But I’m now eliminating that proclamation. Because we could all use new friends, champions, comrades, advocates, and allies at work and in life.

In a new study, researchers discovered that feeling lonely is more damaging than smoking, adding almost two years to our biological age and increasing our risk of Alzheimer’s, diabetes, and heart disease.

In 2017, the U.S. Surgeon General called loneliness a “growing health epidemic.” And in 2018, London appointed a Minister of Loneliness to combat its country’s loneliness problem.

Fortunately, innovative anti-loneliness ideas have been popping up around the world:

>> Shared Lives, a home-sharing initiative, matches lonely retirees with young people needing a place to live.

>> Men’s Shed Movement connects retired/unemployed men through activities like woodworking and repairing electronics.

>> HostNation pairs refugees with volunteers in their neighborhood.

>> Intergenerational Care Homes combine childcare and eldercare by placing preschools inside retirement homes.

And just like that, your organization’s mentoring program takes on a new purpose: combatting loneliness.

We can enrich any mentoring experience by remembering that we are the answer to each other’s problems.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

This fall, Lynnae started teaching at a new school district, prompting various onboarding requirements and training.

When we connected recently, she mentioned her gender-identity training, which led to a discussion about how society had evolved since we were in school – in the 80s, we didn’t announce gender pronouns, nor had we ever heard of “gender fluidity.” We both agreed that we didn’t fully understand all the nuances.

And then Lynnae asserted, “But I don’t have to understand it. I just need to respect it.”

Her profound declaration gave me pause – was I trying too hard to understand while failing to respect?

Like every great mentor, Lynnae had twisted the figurative kaleidoscope through which I was looking – her pronouncement changed my view.

This week when Lynnae called, we explored family dynamics. I was venting, grateful to borrow her ear, appreciating her exceptional listening skills – she seeks to make a difference without encroaching.

And that’s when Lynnae echoed her view-altering perspective from our prior conversation:

“Maybe you don’t need to understand it. Maybe you just need to respect it” – there’s my BFF again mentoring me at 6:30 am! I reconsidered my grumbling…

Reflecting on what it means to “respect,” I’ve concluded that I can:

• Demonstrate kindness and patience to the other person
• Actively listen to them without criticism or disdain
• Lead with curiosity (not my judgment), “What’s that experience like?”
• Interact positively and politely, not with contempt or derision
• Recognize their learning journey – like me, they are a work in progress
• Accept that while I might not relate or agree, they have every right to their experience
• Withhold my unsolicited advice and opinions
• Refuse to disparage this person’s sojourn to their face or behind their back
• Offer space and grace to allow them to discover and grow

Respect involves treating people with goodwill without needing to change our own ideas and choices.

Respect is simply acknowledging that we are all having a human experience. I don’t need to understand yours, but I can certainly respect it.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

A month ago, she left her job, and now she’s in a funk – not a mental health crisis, just a feel-sorry-for-herself slump. And I’ve done my best to listen actively and be a champion.

But she hasn’t even reached out to her network to share that she’s looking for a new opportunity – she’s sapped, self-conscious, and stuck.

Grasping, I said, “The only way to get off the couch is to get off the couch.”

In other words, take some action! Do anything.

• Send one email
• Connect with one person on LinkedIn
• Schedule a call or a lunch
• Read an article
• Listen to a podcast
• Go for a walk – change the scenery

I work out at OrangeTheory Fitness a few times a week… and I don’t like it. In fact, I loathe running, rowing, and lifting weights at 7 am! When my alarm goes off, I hit snooze. And every time I step onto that treadmill, I count the minutes until I can step off.

But I’ve never regretted going to class. I always leave feeling energized, fit, and accomplished!

I know I’d still be in bed if I waited until I wanted to work out. And I’d definitely still be under the covers if I waited for someone else to engage or motivate me. 

I’ve learned through my own slumps that the fastest way out is simply to start moving. I get up and go – even though I rarely feel like it – because I’m committed to staying healthy.

To get off the metaphorical couch…

• Move:  take some action, no matter how small
• Ask:  questions hijack the brain, forcing us to redirect and reengage
• Consider:  “What have I learned? What can I do now and next? What can I create? Who can I connect with?”
• Commit:  for example, OrangeTheory charges me money if I don’t show up
• Ignore:  forget the feelings – focus on the commitment
• Create:  an idea, a goal, a connection, a conversation, a project, a skill, an experience
• Involve:  find a mentor, a champion, an accountability partner
• Stop:  excusing, rationalizing, justifying
• Start:  doing

We cannot be stuck and in action at the same time.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

hmmm… I thought everyone was busy “celebrating failures.”

Professor Lauren Eskreis-Winkler explains, “We don’t like to focus on our failures – even if there’s value in doing so – because it makes us feel bad about ourselves.”

So what?

Researchers noted that because failure is ego-threatening, people aren’t celebrating it; they’re avoiding it. They’re neglecting that which could help them grow!

Here’s what the researchers concluded:

• Failure is a gateway to judgment and criticism
• Failure compromises our motivation to learn
• Failure lowers our confidence
• Failure causes us to tune out

As a result of the potential judgment, demotivation, undermined self-esteem, and stupor, we stop paying attention to anything that is not successful.

And paying attention is a prerequisite to learning! It’s impossible to learn from an experience and glean information about what caused our failure if we refuse to acknowledge and explore it.

And society isn’t helping:

• Schools promote perseverance, tenacity, and grit
• Social media applauds victory, triumph, and achievement
• Resumes highlight career successes
• Performance reviews advance accomplishments

After reading this report, I asked a friend to name some of her failures. She couldn’t think of any, even though she had been fired from a job and gotten divorced.

But then I asked her, “What about your mistakes? Have any of those?” “Definitely!” she laughed, and then we exchanged stories of our favorite mistakes.

Interestingly, in this conversation…

• “Failure” felt like an indictment of character, whereas “mistake” was simply a wrong turn.
• Failure was a label; mistake was an action.
• Failure was fixed; mistake was fixable.

So, what can we do about this? How can we grow despite our contempt for failure?

• Furlough the word “failure”
• Experiment with reframing words, like “life lesson,” “practice,” “experience,” “learning opportunity,” “growth moment,” “blunder,” “gaffe,” and “user error”
• Keep asking, “What have I learned?”
• Seek insights, not culprits
• Look to others and learn from their mistakes (it’s less ego-threatening)
• Engage a mentor and reverse-engineer results (not successes, not failures, just results)

We don’t need to celebrate or pay homage to failure; we just need to welcome the growth on the other side.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

• In high school, he volunteered on a stage crew, working sound and lighting during school plays.
• He chose Stonehill College for its criminal justice program.
• In college, he spent every spring break volunteering with Habitat for Humanity.
• During summer breaks, he volunteered at ReStore, the Habitat for Humanity retail store and donation center.
• Following graduation, he moved to Detroit to serve in AmeriCorps (Peace Corps in the US), working on community safety projects.

As his two-year contract with AmeriCorps was ending, we all waited with bated breath for Jack to get a “real” job.

The journey to employ Jack has seen encouragement, cajoling, and even a bit of browbeating. I watched his dad grapple with being an anxious father, unwavering champion, and resolute mentor.

• What if you…?
• Have you thought about…?
• Should you…?
• If you don’t…

And to me, his dad would fret…

• Why isn’t he…?
• What if he doesn’t…?
• How will he…?
• Should we…?

But Jack didn’t succumb to any pressure or expectations. And he seemed entirely unfazed by his family’s barrage of unsolicited advice, helpful articles, well-intended suggestions, and sinister forewarnings.

Instead, Jack remained steadfast in his determination to find a “real” job that allowed him to serve the community.

And then he did it!

In August, Jack joined the Detroit Public Safety Headquarters working with the police on crime prevention. A dream first job for him… with salary and benefits!

Recently, Jack’s dad decided to change jobs. And what did Jack do? He offered, “Dad, you always said that other people provide fresh perspectives. Do you want me to review your resume for you?” (And the mentee becomes the mentor…)

Once again, Jack strives to make a difference, whether with one person or an entire community.

I taught him how to ride a bike, but my stepson is always teaching me how to be a better person.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Why?
The researchers surmise that those who pass up the experience are reluctant out of insecurity or an inflated sense of their abilities – they don’t believe they need any help.

The researchers argue that because of the enormous ROI that mentoring can generate, mentoring programs should be mandatory.

I disagree (and wonder if the researchers confused mentoring with training, precepting, or apprenticing).

First, no one “needs” mentoring – it’s not intended to be remedial. Instead, it’s the chance to connect, grow, expand, collaborate, and strengthen. 

Second, mandatory mentoring dilutes the ownership aspect of mentoring that fuels its power.

Finally, people eschew mentoring for only two reasons:

1. They don’t know how
2. They don’t know why

The “don’t know why” is an enormous barrier (in all areas of life!). If people don’t have a compelling reason (a goal, an aspiration, a commitment, an expectation to participate), they will choose other ways to spend their time.

5 reasons people ignore the invitation to be mentored:

1. Confusion (they don’t know how, what, where, when, or who)
2. No compelling reason (they don’t know why)
3. Already have a mentor (they don’t know why they need another one)
4. Overwhelm/time-challenged (they don’t know how to make it work)
5. Fear (which results from their don’t-know-how-or-why)

Potential Mentees! Before you overlook the opportunity to be mentored, ask yourself and others these discerning questions to explore your don’t-know-how-or-why barriers…

• What is the purpose or goal of the mentoring program?
• How would it contribute to my goals? (What are my goals?)
• Logistically, how can I participate?
• What would make it a success for me?
• Mentor, how did you leverage mentoring when you were in my role?
• How can I grow from this experience?
• Who could I meet? What could I learn?
• How will participating (or not) reflect on my reputation and commitment to connect, collaborate, contribute, and lead? 

While program leaders can improve how they engage mentees, potential mentees can improve how they engage themselves.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

There’s nothing wrong with us!

Yet the world constantly reminds us that we are broken and need fixing:

• Report cards: here’s your grade and where you fell short
• Commercials: here’s what’s wrong with you and how this product will fix it
• Feedback: here’s my “constructive criticism” to address your flaws

But if we start with the notion that we are perfect as we are, we could springboard from our strengths instead of flail from our flaws.

With “perfect as we are” as our anchor, we can eagerly and fearlessly seek suggestions, feedback, ideas, and input by asking ourselves and others:

“How can I improve from here?”

Without a need to protect our ego, we can welcome advice and perspectives, not as judgments or criticisms, but as contributions and building blocks – each block helping us to become bigger, better, bolder versions of ourselves… to be even more perfect.

So how do we find the “little improvement” that Suzuki recommends? Through a regular practice of:

• mentoring and being mentored
• reflecting on situations
• debriefing with colleagues
• attending classes and workshops
• reading (or listening to) a variety of books, podcasts
• collaborating
• using the words “Not yet”
• leading with curiosity

Now consider applying this concept while mentoring others: our mentees are perfect as they are, and they could use a little improvement.

Our job as a mentor is not to fix our mentees, but to add the building blocks that contribute to our mentees becoming bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves.

All by starting with perfect and improving from there…

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.