All Posts by Ann Tardy

In one scene, the pastry chef, Marcus, blows a fuse at the restaurant while mixing cake batter, forcing the staff to scramble furiously to salvage the lunch service and a freezer of food.

After the chaos subsides, Carmy finds Marcus remorseful and soul-crushed, sitting on the sidewalk in the alley behind the restaurant.

Carmy says to Marcus: You alright?

Marcus: I screwed up. I was behind on cakes. I tried to speed it up, and I blew the fuse.

Carmy: This job’s insane. 

Marcus: Yeah

Carmy: It can go from chill to unchill in a second, but you gotta stay ahead on your work. That’s just that.

Marcus: Heard.

Marcus: You know, my first job was at McDonald’s. You don’t get to be creative. You just work with robots. And everything’s automatic – fast and easy. 

Then he promises Carmy: I won’t make a mistake again.

And this is when Carmy shifts from managing to mentoring.

Carmy: Yeah, you will. But not because you’re you. Just ‘cause stuff happens.    

Pausing reflectively, Carmy then shares: I started a fryer fire the night after I won Food & Wine’s Best New Chef. Nearly burned the place down.

Marcus: For real?

Carmy: For real. This weird thing happens. You have this minute where you’re watching the fire, and you’re thinking, ‘If I don’t do anything, this place will burn down, and all my anxiety will go away with it.’

Marcus: And then you put the fire out.

Carmy: And then you put the fire out.

Effortlessly, Carmy shifted from manager to mentor to peer. How?
He:

• Connected on a mutual experience: “This job is insane.”
• Communicated expectations: “You have to stay ahead on your work.”
• Demonstrated empathy and encouraged self-compassion: “You’re going to make a mistake again, and that’s ok.”
• Validated Marcus while revealing his own vulnerability: “I did something similar.”
• Acknowledged a shared commitment: “You put the fire out.”

Without ceremony, Carmy exhibited the art of partnering with people in pursuit of a passionate endeavor, making the inevitable grit gratifying.

Anyone can set job expectations and get angry when unmet expectations wreak havoc.

But it takes a manager who mentors to grab those moments that demand meaningful conversation.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

For centuries, a small group of workers called “Sampietrini” has been preserving Saint Peter’s Basilica, the world’s oldest church located in Vatican City, Italy.

But today, there is a noticeable shortage of skilled stonemasons, restorers, and craftsmen. Why? The artisans are aging and retiring. Preparing for this inevitability was a bit neglected.

The Director of the Sampietrini stressed, “It’s urgent that young people learn to look after the Basilica because there’s no one left who knows how to do it.”

So, the Vatican turned to mentoring to tackle this problem.

In April, it launched the Artisan Academy, a program matching young apprentices with skilled workers from the Sampietrini who are guiding and teaching the new generation how to care for the ancient treasures and keep the Basilica standing and shining.

In a time of technology-seducing careers, the Director was admittedly worried that kids would be disinterested in learning the craft.

But when the inaugural class opened, 20 students from around the globe eagerly sought the unpaid internships. Why? The privilege.

As apprentice Javier’s Santiago Mandao from Germany said, “It’s wild to work in the same place as iconic artists like Michelangelo” and “It comes with great honor. I feel a responsibility.” 
[Click here to read “The Why Before the Who”] And what about the Sampietrinis? Why are they mentoring this new generation, sharing their secrets to maintaining the grandeur of the Basilica? The pride.

As Sampietrino Paulo Ballestra reflected, “They [the apprentices] are pulling off some beautiful work. And they give us that extra motivation. It’s so satisfying to see what they have achieved in just six months and for the world to see it when they walk through St. Peter’s.”
[To read why Jimmy Fallon ascribes to “Root for People,” click here] So what can we glean from the launch of the Artisan Academy?

• Succession is unavoidable and requires action
• It is never too early to be intentional and strategic
• Preparing for it is everyone’s responsibility, regardless of job or level
• Mentoring is a cost-effective, actionable solution

Although, the most important insights in this story are found not in the execution of the Academy but in the experiences revealed by participants:

• Privilege fuels mentees
• Pride fuels mentors

But it’s their shared passion that is paramount to building the bridge needed for knowledge transfer.

Use mentoring to build that bridge, and your team’s future will be in their hands.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

1. Your life isn’t a one-act play.
“Not only is it okay to change your mind, reinvent yourself, or have a second career, it can be a good thing.”

2. You’re never too smart to be confused.
“…the first step to learning something new is leaning into what you don’t know instead of focusing on what you do know.”

3. Gravitate toward work that solves a problem.
“…spend your days doing something that solves a big problem – it energizes you to do your best work. It forces you to be more creative and gives your life a stronger sense of purpose.”

4. Don’t underestimate the power of friendship.
“When I was in school, I became friends with Paul Allen – and we started Microsoft together.”

5. You are not a slacker if you cut yourself some slack.
“…there is more to life than work. Take time to nurture your relationships. To celebrate your successes. And to recover from your losses. Take a break when you need to.”

But peppered into this sage advice, Gates shared a reverence for mentoring.

He suggested that we learn best from others who are a little further along than us – mentors!

Gates expounded, “Find smart people to learn from. It could be:

• a colleague with more experience
• one of your fellow graduates who has a good perspective and will push you to think differently
• an expert in the field willing to reply to your questions over DM.”

Gates revealed that almost everything he accomplished happened because he sought out others who knew more than he did – mentors!
[Are you mentor-able? Find out! Read “The Secret to Finding a Mentor“]

“People want to help you. The key is not to be afraid to ask. Your fellow graduates are your network – your best sources of support, information, and advice.”

And he’s right! According to research by Stanford University social psychologist Xuan Zhao, people feel good – even happy – when they can help others.
[Are you ready to help when someone asks? Read “How to Mentor in 3s“]

And then Gates concluded his remarks with, “The only thing more valuable than what you walk offstage with today is who you walk onstage with.”

And if graduation is a distant memory, consider… the only thing more valuable than what you stand up is whose shoulders you stand on in the process.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

During that time, she bore witness to their vulnerability. 

In her words, “Everybody that I had on the show, at the end of the show, whispered to me something like, ‘Was that OK?’”

She reflected, “What people were really saying was: ‘Did you hear me, did you see me, and did I say anything that mattered?’”

And that’s an essential role for mentors – help mentees feel validated.

What does it mean to feel validated? To be accepted. To affirm that we didn’t embarrass ourselves and that we met expectations.

Sometimes, however, mentees might feel invalidated if we inadvertently:

• dismiss their concern. “Nah, don’t worry about that!”
• sidestep their idea: “Yes, but…”
• ignore or diminish their aspiration: “Are you sure you want to do that?”
• talk over them, earnestly sharing advice!

So what? Well, if we neglect to help our mentees feel validated, we risk being unable to influence and mentor them.

Validation fuels contributions and compassion. It creates psychological safety for our mentees, allowing them to explore and grow while it strengthens our humanity.

How can mentors help mentees feel validated? Intentionally.

• Connect: “I felt the same way when I transitioned roles.”
• Be curious: “Interesting. Tell me more.”
• Confirm: “That makes sense!” “I understand.”
• Explore: “Yes, and…”
• Acknowledge: “Great work – you really made progress!”
• Engage: “What was that like?”
• Take notes. Reflect back: “What I’m hearing is…”
• Mirror their emotions: “That sucks.” “That’s exciting!”
• Encourage: “You’ve got this!”

Even United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby deployed validation in a message he sent to all employees this week.

After a recent barrage of weather-related flight cancellations, Kirby expressed his gratitude for “the incredible work” they did “under unprecedented challenges.” He acknowledged, “I know it was very tough on each of you.” And then he ended with, “But I want you to know that I’m proud of you.”

We all share a deeply-rooted need to feel validated, to be seen and heard, to know that we matter.

In the Zulu tribe, “sawubona” is the most common greeting. Translated, it means, “I see you, you are important to me, and I value you.” 

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

• Forget it and focus on winning the game
• Worry about making more mistakes

Unfortunately, Rory seemed to choose the latter.

He lost the tournament by one stroke! Golf commentators wondered aloud if Rory was trying too hard ‘not to lose’ instead of playing to win.

Conversely, while the winner, Wyndham Clark, made numerous mistakes on the golf course, he remained poised and centered, playing like a man destined to win.

Holding the trophy, Wyndham told a reporter, “I worked so hard and dreamed about this moment for so long. I just felt like it was my time.”

Similarly, during the recent French Open tennis tournament, Novak Djokovic’s opponent was leading after the first set. Novak won by creating a Momentum Shift.

Novak advises young people: “Be in the present moment, forget what happened in the past. If you want a better future, create it.”

Momentum Shift
Typically, it starts with a mistake followed by a decision.

• That decision changes your thinking and feeling, positively or negatively,
• which impacts your sense of control, confidence, optimism, and energy,
• which obstructs or bolsters your momentum,
• which transfers dominance from or to you.

We lose (or create) momentum when we lose (or create) focus.

Famous comebacks are borne out of Momentum Shifts, as evidenced by the New England Patriot’s Super Bowl 38-26 win after entering the fourth quarter 25 points behind the Atlanta Falcons.

Whether you’re delivering a presentation, leading a team, or interviewing for an opportunity, you can create a Momentum Shift:

• Notice if you’re dwelling on mistakes, fearful of making more mistakes
• Stop ruminating on what you should have done differently
• Avoid over-analyzing your performance
• Place psychological distance between any error and your next move
• Glance, grow, and go – you can glean insights and learn from mistakes, but only if you stay in action
• Identify visual and internal cues that help you perform well
• Create your future with those performance prompts

When one of his players chastised himself for a mistake, Jason Sudeikis’ character Ted Lasso advised, “You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. It has a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish, Sam.”

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Each week, StoryWorth emailed her a question: What was it like growing up? What was your first job? Who were your friends in high school? 

My mom then answered the questions with an anecdote or recollection and submitted those to StoryWorth. At the end of the year, StoryWorth compiled her memories into a beautiful hard-cover book.

One of my favorite questions, “What advice would you give your 20-year-old self?” prompted my mom to deliver the following wisdom:

“Slow down. Be more creative. Put on your best outfit and dance down the street. Find your next adventure. Travel to every place you possibly can. Study hard. Work hard. Play hard. Don’t take yourself too seriously.”

She had written us a legacy letter!

A 3,500-year-old tradition, the legacy letter is a way to pass on life lessons that inform and transform the next generation.

A barometer of the past, legacy letters strengthen the future.

According to research by Dr. Marshall Duke, a psychologist from Emory University, the more children know about their family’s history, the more resilient they are – they moderate stress better, have a stronger sense of control over their lives, and exhibit higher self-confidence.

Researchers also concluded that when families share stories about bouncing back from difficult moments, it increases the odds the family will thrive in the future.

The leaders of the Baptist Health South Florida nurse residency program get it!

At the end of each program, new nurse residents reflect on their journey and write letters to future residents titled “RN Residency Legacy Letters.”

Deemed the residents’ first official act of mentoring, their legacy letters, brimming with insights and advice, are compiled and shared with incoming residents.

But legacy letters do more than help the Wisdom Receivers; they strengthen the Wisdom Givers. 

Research shows that recounting our experiences and reflecting on our learnings reinforces those learnings, improves our productivity, increases our happiness, and fosters our well-being. Reflection fuels our insight, and insight promotes our growth.

In other words, sharing wisdom in a legacy letter fortifies the Wisdom Givers too!

What advice would you give your younger self?

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

According to the author, we respond in conversation with either:

1. Support Responses: We support the other person by focusing on them.
2. Shift Responses: We shift the attention back to us.

How?

1. Support Responses: We respond with supportive comments or follow-up questions to learn more.
2. Shift Responses: We respond with remarks or stories about us.

For example:

• Person 1: I’m so mad at Bob.
• Support Response: Why? What happened? 
• Shift Response: Me too! Bob ignores the agenda in our meetings!

Derber calls this attention-shifting “conversational narcissism,” and others have argued that it’s emotionally unintelligent to steer the conversation toward ourselves.

But that seems harsh. The Shift Response can serve many purposes:

• identify commonalities with another to build trust
• boost our confidence through story-telling
• mentor others by articulating our lessons learned

In mentoring, if we only make encouraging comments and ask probing questions, then we shortchange our mentees of the advice, perspectives, and ideas they seek!

What to do? A conversational dance: support, shift, support, shift

Use question marks to create curiosity before grabbing the mic to make a difference!

1. Support Responses Strengthen: Use encouraging comments and questions to strengthen the mentee’s confidence and problem-solving skills while ensuring your advice is valuable.

2. Shift Responses Stockpile: Share pithy stories and sage wisdom to help mentees stockpile the advice and ideas they need now and in the future to approach situations and tackle problems differently.

Here’s how the Conversational Dance works:

• Mentee: Should I go back to school and get another degree?
  • Support Responses: Interesting! What are you thinking of studying? How would that help your career goals? Is there an opportunity cost in pursuing it?
• Mentee: I can only apply to leadership roles with a new degree.
  • Support Response: Sounds like getting another degree will make you more marketable!
  • Shift Response: I went back to school and it made me a better leader. It was hard but worth it! Here’s what I wish I had known…
  • Support Response: Does any of that resonate with you?

Question marks strengthen a mentee’s ability to reflect, think critically, consider options, and solve problems. In addition, question marks improve our advice, making us more effective mentors.

Question marks before periods. 

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In his new documentary, Still, Michael reveals his experiences learning to live with this incurable disease. As his disease has progressed, Michael’s worsened condition makes even walking a challenge.

An early scene in the documentary shows him on a sidewalk in New York City with his aide. When a pedestrian wishes him, “Good morning, Mr. Fox!” he responds, “Hello,” then stumbles and falls.

Immediately, he says to himself, “And that happened.” He then jokingly proclaims to the pedestrian, “Look at that! I fell for you!”

Instead of expressing disgust, frustration, or embarrassment, Michael’s emotionally intelligent response cued him to keep perspective and persevere.

The challenge with emotional intelligence is that we are rarely intelligent when we feel emotional.

Coined by author Daniel Goleman, an “amygdala hijack” occurs when our brain’s emotion-producing amygdala gets activated by a potential threat, and we react emotionally, even irrationally.

In the grip of an amygdala hijack, our rational brain has no time to assess a situation and choose an appropriate response.

Instead, our immediate, overwhelming reaction often causes an altercation… unless the other person stops their amygdala from being hijacked.

How can we thwart an amygdala hijack? By self-regulating our emotions with rules.  

1. Self-Assess: notice what situations feel threatening
2. Create a Rule: create a rule for that situation

We all self-regulate with rules. For example, most of us operate with this rule: “When someone is uncivil or offensive, don’t punch them in the face.”

Without rules, we are at the mercy of our emotions and the inevitable mess those emotions create.

Here are some rules I have adopted (with age and wisdom):

• When someone tailgates me, move to the right, and let them pass.
• When someone rudely talks over me, stop talking (and don’t roll my eyes).
• When someone is negative, use “yes, and” (instead of “yes, but”).
• When someone sends me a disrespectful email or text, don’t immediately respond.

By referring to a rule instead of an emotion, I can de-escalate any threat my amygdala perceives and respond thoughtfully.

And now I have a new rule: Whenever I misstep (literally or figuratively), say, ‘And that happened,’ and keep moving.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.