All Posts by Ann Tardy

In an early episode, Rupert, the team’s derisive former owner, challenges Ted to a dart game. Assuming Ted doesn’t play darts, Rupert wages a substantial bet on the game, confident he can embarrass Ted.

As Ted is aiming his dart, he shares, “You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life. It used to really bother me until I saw this quote by Walt Whitman painted on a wall. It said, ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ 

“And it hit me. All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them was curious. They thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything and everyone. And if they were only curious, they would’ve asked me questions like, ‘Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?’ To which I would’ve answered, ‘Yes, sir, every afternoon at a sports bar with my father from age ten till I was 16.’” 

And with that, Ted throws the final dart into the bullseye and wins the game, gifting the show its subtle yet obvious theme: be curious, not judgmental.

With each episode, the writers dare us to judge characters by their titles, looks, or actions. And then, they challenge our judgment by revealing backstories or evolving those characters.

We are judgmental – we evaluate, assess, and gauge everything positively or negatively – every situation, every interaction, every conversation, and every person.

We are hardwired to judge – it’s our brain managing and processing the constant influx of information.

But we tend to judge irresponsibly.

We judge without discernment, based merely on one experience or interaction. We then allow that judgment to go unquestioned, relying on and referencing it like the truth – a failure in curiosity.

We can do better.

5 steps to be responsibly judgmental:

1. Notice judgment – positive and negative

2. Reflect on your judgment – where/how did it originate? Is it promoting, protecting, or preventing?

3. Wonder, “What am I missing about this person or this situation? What is the backstory?”

4. Consider, “How might this person or situation evolve?”

5. Admire some aspect to mitigate any intensity and regain perspective, “I do appreciate their confidence / passion / conviction / courage / commitment.”

As long as we are judging, let’s be deliberate! Our story is still developing…

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

An ugly trend of hostility directed at umpires has recently caused many volunteers to quit.

The Little League officials in Deptford Township, New Jersey, felt compelled to act.

But instead of penalizing a parent, they devised an unconventional solution to decrease the animosity and increase the empathy for umpires: make the parent umpire a game.

Insubordinate parents will walk in the umpire’s proverbial shoes – “shoe-shifting.”

According to the town’s new Little League rule, if a parent or spectator fights with an umpire, they must volunteer to officiate for at least three upcoming games.

“You’re not allowed to come onto our complex until you complete three umpire assignments. Once you do that, we’ll let you return,” explained Deptford Township Little League President Don Bozzuffi.

When parents discover what it’s like to be an umpire, they will be more inclined to shift their behavior back in the stands.

Many leaders are similarly expanding their perspective through shoe-shifting experiences:

• Uber CEO, Dara Khosrowshahi, completed 100 rides and deliveries as an undercover Uber driver to understand and address the issues with their driver’s app.
• Committed to staying connected with the company’s culture, customers, and employees, the new CEO of Starbucks, Laxman Narasimhan, earned a barista certification and announced his plan to work as a barista a half day per month.
• Hyatt Hotel Corporation launched “Hyatt in Touch Day” in 1989, a yearly ritual in which they dispatch corporate employees to Hyatt hotels around the country to join the staff and work the hotel.
• CEO of 7-Eleven, Joe DePinto, went undercover as a store clerk for a week to discover the people who serve the customers. Through this adventure, he uncovered many opportunities to improve the stores and invest in employees.

What is the benefit of shoe-shifting? Empathic intelligence – a way of understanding how others experience the world.

Observing a situation from another’s perspective is immeasurably valuable, allowing us to relate better, validate their experience, and glean insights.

Ultimately, shoe-shifting strengthens our compassion and makes us better human beings.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

The next day the Packers beat the Steelers 31-25. But Coach McCarthy wasn’t being presumptuous or predicting the win. He was merely influencing it.

Linebacker A.J. Hawk reflected on the experience, “It made things real for us.”

Of course, it did! By fitting his team for championship rings, Coach McCarthy communicated his belief in his players – he deemed them “ready to win the big game.”

And because the Packers respected and admired their coach, they were influenced by his labeling – they internalized the “champion” label and acted accordingly.

Green Bay Packers guard Daryn Colledge said of the ring-fitting exercise, “It just set that mental mindset that we’ve got to go out there, and we’ve got something to accomplish.”

Coach McCarthy was leveraging the Pygmalion effect, in which high expectations lead to improved performance. 

According to this psychological phenomenon, when we brand people with a positive label, they will embrace that label and then mirror the expectations we have for them (assuming they respect and admire us). They literally take on the characteristics of that brand or the label.

The Packers emulated Coach McCarthy’s expectations of them with their Super-Bowl-winning actions.

Similarly, as a mentor, we are uniquely positioned to influence our mentee using labels. Once we have established a foundation of trust and respect, we can strategically leverage a label such as “leader,” “specialist,” or “innovator.” We can then demonstrate our belief in this elevated view of our mentee through opportunities, connections, and sponsorships.

And as our mentee acts out the aspiring label, it becomes self-perpetuating – soon they reinforce and reaffirm that label with their behaviors, decisions, actions, and success.

Unsurprisingly, “improved confidence” is among the most touted results mentees share at the conclusion of their mentoring programs.

All because their mentors treat them not as they are but as they could become.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

To be successful and make it to the next round, Bachelorettes need to connect quickly with the Bachelor.

But some Bachelorettes wait expectantly for a connection to happen, surprised and heartbroken when the Bachelor inevitably muses, “My relationships with others have grown faster.”

Similarly, mentoring “contestants” must connect quickly with their new mentoring partners to successfully accomplish identified goals within the program’s timeframe.

Unfortunately, when participants expect but don’t feel an immediate connection, they often withdraw from the program, explaining, “I just didn’t click with my mentoring partner!”

But “click” doesn’t miraculously emerge. “Click” is created.

Here’s the secret and the science:

According to research, 40% of what people say involves their subjective experiences – how they think and feel about a situation. That means that almost half of what people share in a conversation has no impact on the outcome.

The same study also revealed that talking about themselves gives people the sensation and satisfaction they feel from food, money, and sex.

So, turn on the spotlight, hand over the mic, and invite people to gab! 

But how? With a series of three questions…

The Click Framework:

1. informational question
2. historical question
3. experiential question

Example Script:

1. Informational (banter effortlessly)

• What do you do?
• I work in a cancer research lab.
• Interesting! 

2. Historical (marvel at their journey)

• How did you get into that career?
• My dad worked in the lab and brought me with him on weekends when I was growing up.
• He must be proud!

3. Experiential (play Willie Geist, interviewer)

• How is that experience of sharing a career with your dad?
• What is it like working in the lab on such important research?

While the Click Framework prompts the other person to talk, it also forces us to listen actively, suspending our desire to grab the mic.

By deploying the three-question formula, we demonstrate our commitment to connect, fuel our curiosity, engage our new learning partner, and create the coveted click!

Most significantly, we create an intentional conversation that elevates the importance of our new partner and whatever they choose to share.

“… people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Unlike my other dogs, who joined our family as puppies, Ollie comes to us burdened by her previous experiences with humans. Unfortunately, these scars are impacting her experience with us.

She’s vigilantly watching to determine if her new environment is safe or dangerous. Whenever I move quickly in the house, drop something accidentally, or laugh too loudly, she startles, cowers cautiously, and paces.

And I can’t help but wonder what happened to her to cause such fear.

Ollie doesn’t entirely trust us yet. But we are slowly earning it through our consistent and caring actions.

In the meantime, we are paying for the sins of her prior owner.

Similarly, when someone joins a team, we pay for the sins of their prior boss. If their previous boss regularly controlled, berated, embarrassed, judged, criticized, or ignored them, they will expect that we – the new boss – will behave similarly. And their guard will be up.

Like my rescued dog Ollie, they are projecting onto us their not-so-kind experiences with other humans. (This “psychological projection” might explain one survey which revealed that 58% of people trust strangers more than their boss.)

If we want to earn their trust, we must demonstrate our trustworthiness. We can start with mentoring questions:

• Tell me about your last boss – what worked well?
• What didn’t? What would you like me to do differently?
• What can I do to support your success each day/week?
• Where are you headed next in your career? What do you aspire to do after this role?
• What can I do to help prepare you for that?

Questions communicate our curiosity; actions based on that conversation demonstrate our commitment.

Why is trust imperative? Just as I can’t help Ollie if I can’t get close to her, we can’t help our team members or mentees if we can’t get close to them. And without a foundation of trust, they certainly don’t care if they help us.

We pay for the sins of prior bosses with an unshakable commitment to trust. Auspiciously, that makes us better leaders, mentors, and human beings.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

But unceremonious advice, perspectives, or ideas can spark our courage if we stay open and pay attention.

John Krasinski

John Krasinski was first known for his role on the hit sitcom The Office and lately as the star of the Amazon series Jack Ryan.

It was a conversation with a trusted friend that gave John the courage to move from acting to directing. 

John shared the story during a recent interview:

I wanted to but never thought I’d have the confidence to direct. I was sitting at a burrito place in LA with [a colleague from The Office, actor] Rainn Wilson.

He saw I was perplexed and said, “What’s going on?”

I said, “I’m trying to get someone to direct this movie I wrote.”

Rainn said, “Why don’t you do it?”

I froze.

He reiterated, “You should just do it.”

He encouraged me to direct it. Then people at The Office heard I was going to direct a film. So, they said, “Why don’t you direct a few episodes to get your feet wet?”

The Office was my entire film school.

In 2009 John made his directorial debut with the film Brief Interviews with Hideous Men and has since written, directed, and produced other films, including A Quiet Place.

Informal Mentoring

Informal mentoring exists because of in-the-moment, situation-driven, organic conversations. Unlike formal mentoring, informal mentoring:

• doesn’t focus on a specific goal
• doesn’t follow a prescribed structure
• doesn’t require training
• doesn’t instruct participants to get acquainted… wait! why?

Because informal mentoring occurs only on a foundation of already established trust.

Informal mentoring transpires when an interaction shifts from exchanging pleasantries and information to:

• sharing insights
• validating experiences or feelings
• encouraging big thinking and bold moves
• making connections
• providing resources
• offering advice, perspectives, or ideas

Predictably, informal mentoring suffocates among strangers!

When we meet someone who is all conviction and no curiosity, uninterested in exchanging insights and ideas, remember that we don’t have a foundation of trust yet! We are still strangers. 

Understandably, this future friend is merely protecting themself from seemingly judgmental advice.

If we want our casual conversations and daily interactions to have more impact, we must first invest in trusting relationships.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

And in response, many mentees cringe, wince, scowl, and occasionally glare.

Why? How did “goal” become a 4-letter word?

1. Setting goals is confronting, a reminder that we are responsible for creating our path forward.

2. A goal can feel like another project.  

3. Goals often emphasize what’s wrong instead of amplifying what’s right.

4. We tend to want to change that which we cannot.

Katy Milkman, author of How to Change, distinguishes:

• Hard Goals: attempting to change circumstances outside our control, like weather, time, people, traffic, and politics.
• Smarter Goals: augmenting our strengths, skills, capabilities, emotional acumen, and experiences.

5. We neglect our emotional connection to change.

When asked to set a goal, people instinctively focus on what they lack (ex: a title, a raise, a degree, a skill, an accomplishment, a network).

At the same time, they’re typically content with their lacking – they’ve learned to live with the insufficiency for now, forfeiting any urgency to change.

Fueled by Feelings
Instead, focus on how you want to feel (ex: confident, competent, strategic, connected, triumph, healthier, engaged, calm, joyful).

This emotional connection fuels change… your ambition is on a mission.

Finding Emotional Fuel
Non-fiction authors use the following formula to architect the framework for a compelling book:

1. What do people struggle with?
2. What will it take for them to stop being frustrated? 
3. How do they want to feel?
4. What questions will they have that I can answer in this book?
5. Why is this so important to them?

Apply this same formula to identify your emotionally-fueled goal:

1. What do I struggle with / what frustrates me?
2. What will it take for me to stop being frustrated? 
3. What do I want to be different? How do I want to feel?
4. What questions will I have going from point A to point B? (Save these for your mentor)
5. Why is this so important to me? 

And when it’s significant to you, it becomes significant to your mentor.

Goals are imperative. But your ambition on a mission is riveting.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

But then Quan struggled to find work as an actor. So, he moved behind the camera, choreographing stunts and assisting directors. But he never relinquished his dream.

After a 20-year hiatus from acting, he was inspired to hire a new talent agent in January 2020 and two weeks later auditioned for the movie Everything Everywhere All at Once. Last weekend, Quan won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.

During a tear-strewn acceptance speech, Quan effused, “Dreams are something you must believe in. I almost gave up on mine. Don’t give up on your dreams! I owe everything to my wife Echo, who month after month said to me, ‘Your time will come.’”

While Quan stopped acting, he never quit.

Stop vs. Quit

• We stop to cease an activity. We quit to abandon a commitment.
• We stop to regroup, reflect, and redirect our efforts. We quit to retire the effort.
• We stop to begin again, more intelligently. We quit when we’re done trying.
• We stop to preserve our aspirations, intention, or goal. We quit to forfeit the goal.
• We stop to pivot for the unexpected. We quit because of the unexpected.
• Stopping is a pause. Quitting is permanent.

Before my epic cross-country bike ride, I suffered a knee injury that forced me to stop cycling and heal. I was immensely frustrated, but the experience fortified my determination to pedal again. The following year, I completed the adventure.

More recently, I stopped writing my fifth book after receiving numerous rejections from book agents. But, while disenchanted, I haven’t quit. Instead, I’ve paused to absorb their feedback and strengthen my idea. Then, I’ll pivot and pursue the ambition from another angle.

Mentees! When you feel deflated, look to your Mentors to validate your experience and help you discern if it’s time to quit or merely stop.  

Just because you stop doesn’t mean you quit (unless you want to).

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.