All Posts by Ann Tardy

As her boss, I knew I had to say something – it was unprofessional.

But I didn’t want to hurt Sally’s feelings or embarrass her. We had just started working together – we were still in the process of building trust remotely.

I was conflicted. Should I ignore this and hope it doesn’t happen again? Should I set a dress code? Should I give her feedback?

None of those options were appealing.

I tried a different approach – I offered Sally advice:

“Unfortunately, our clients are always judging us. If they don’t see you as a professional, they’ll discount your contributions. And you have valuable perspectives and ideas to share!”

Sally responded, “Omigosh! I didn’t even think of that!” Then, together, we brainstormed comfortable and smart clothing ideas that would instantly convey her credibility on video.

Giving advice was refreshing – I became Sally’s supportive and empowering thought partner! And our exchange lacked any inkling of criticism or defensiveness. She knew I was standing on her side, not sitting in judgment.

Now there’s research that backs up this advice-over-feedback approach. 

In 2019, Harvard University researchers conducted experiments asking people to review a letter written by their peers. Half the people were asked to provide “feedback” to their peers while the others were asked to give “advice.”

The results?

• The term feedback prompted “evaluative, vague responses and praising comments.”
• Soliciting advice encouraged “constructive, specific, and actionable guidance for improvement.”

Organizational psychologist and author Adam Grant says the problem with feedback is that it invites either:

1. Cheerleading: motivating but not educational
   or
2. Criticism: educational but discouraging

Because people are afraid of hurting another’s feelings, they tend “to tread too carefully to tell you anything useful,” Grant reflects.

To ensure we are harvesting useful information, we need to ask for and offer actionable advice instead of flaccid feedback.

To ask for it:

• “I’d love your insight on this.”
• “What’s your perspective?”
• “Can I ask for your thoughts on this situation?”
• “Can I get your advice on what I can do better next time?”
• “What are your ideas for improving…?” 
• “What would you recommend?”
• “I’d appreciate your guidance.”

To offer it:

• “One idea that might make a difference…”
• “Have you thought of trying…”
• “It might be worth exploring…”
• “I might recommend…”
• “I have a suggestion for your next meeting…”
• “You might consider…”

While advice is the cornerstone of mentoring, weaving advice into our interactions can elevate the impact of our relationships and pivot our success.

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

One of her board members, Dan Rosensweig, once mentored Jennifer with this deeply impactful assertion:

“There are only two reasons why a founder leaves their company or stops working toward their dreams… either you stop believing in it, or you’re tired.”  

In an article for Money Report, Jennifer revealed that it was the best mentoring she’s ever received.

Whenever she starts feeling, in her words, “unhappy and frustrated, blaming it on Rent the Runway,” she asks herself if she still believes in the mission of her company or if she just needs a break.

Jennifer periodically checks in on her work self – does she still believe in her job?

Passing on this mentoring, she urges, “Being tired isn’t a good enough reason to give up on something you believe in.”

When I read these words, I felt like Jennifer was sharing her mentor’s wisdom with me!

I entered January lulled by the holiday break, feeling confidently in charge of my time and efforts. But I tumbled out of the long month feeling stretched, scattered, and soul-punched.

Something had to change.

Fortunately, I made the time this week to attend the annual conference of ACNL (Association of California Nurse Leaders). I was quickly reminded why I believe in and work for the power of mentoring.  

Throughout the conference, the impact of mentors was threaded into presentations, posters, speeches, recognition awards, connections, conversations, and LinkedIn posts.

I repeatedly heard attendees acknowledging their mentoring relationships – some mentors and mentees meeting for the first time in person! People regaled me with their mentoring stories, grateful for the ACNL Mentoring Program.

Mission validated.

Without mentoring, these dedicated nurse leaders would be experiencing their work and careers not in community but as individuals. Instead, they journey together, contributing to and witnessing each other’s growth and success.

I felt rejuvenated!

With Jennifer’s pivotal mentoring heavily on my mind, I had to admit… I’m tired. Reflecting on January, I must reckon with the reality that I have relapsed into my people-pleasing, team-rescuing, boundary-undermining, sleep-depriving habits.

But now I have a new barometer. I will be making changes in my time choices while remaining steadfastly committed to my work.

Imagine the seismic shift if we all consciously shared the transformative mentoring we receive…

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Ron started acting at age six on The Andy Griffith Show, cementing his fame as Richie Cunningham on Happy Days.

While he enjoyed acting, he was noticeably mesmerized by what happened behind the camera.

When Ron was 10, actor Howard Morris influenced Ron’s path, saying, “You’ve got the sensibility of a director. I see how you watch the camera and the rehearsals, even when you’re not in the scene. I have a feeling you’re going to be a director someday.”

As the years followed, directors Henry Fonda, George Lucas, and Deanne Bradley encouraged Ron to direct and offered him directing opportunities.

At age 23, Ron stepped away from acting to direct his first film, Grand Theft Auto.

Even though he is officially the leader on the movie set now, Ron continues to invite others to mentor him. 

“I come to work with a plan, but everyone knows that I’m looking forward to a better idea,” Ron recently shared on The Great Creators podcast.

To create this environment, Ron keeps a running dialogue with key collaborators on every project – they know he is discerningly receptive. Welcoming fresh ideas “benefits the movie but also brings out the best in people because they feel liberated.”

To reinforce this, Ron relies on this rule: if someone suggests a way to achieve a scene in a movie that is different from the script but achieves the goal, Ron will use that person’s idea.

Why? Because while the scene improvement doesn’t matter to the overall outcome of the movie, it matters to the person’s engagement.

“They own this idea. They understand it organically, intrinsically, not because I told them to do it.”

“It’s exciting when people are working with something they get. And it energizes everything. They feel so involved, and I feel stimulated by it,” Ron reflected.

As leaders of projects or teams, we are like directors. We have a vision for our movie and manage the execution of that vision, scene by scene.

But creating an environment in which everyone knows you’re looking for better ideas to improve your “movie” takes a mentee mindset.

When we stop having all the answers and start looking to others to influence the answers, we ironically evolve from manager to leader.

Directing a project doesn’t make us leaders – sparking engagement, energy, and ownership does.  

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

1. Knowing how to solve problems.
2. Knowing about people.

To apply this to mentoring, knowing how to solve problems is how most mentors mentor – they point mentees in the right direction. They ask about a situation and then offer life-altering advice.

And because most people crave an easy button, they seek Problem-Solving Mentors who can quickly help them find the pathway they’ve missed.

Knowing about people is more nuanced wisdom. People-Knowing Mentors don’t tell people what to do – they create a safe space for mentees to navigate situations and discover their path. This mentor joins a mentee’s growth journey, supporting the exploration, challenging the obvious, and revealing potential.

How do we shift from being Problem-Solving Mentors to People-Knowing Mentors? By doing what Brooks calls: “Loud Listening.”

Typically, we listen by hearing the words someone speaks. And communication experts preach “active listening,” which is being patiently attentive and then acknowledging what we’ve heard.

But Loud Listening is involved listening, enabling us to know a person deeply and contribute to them greatly.

Loud Listening entails listening for understanding, asking questions for context and clarification, scouting for the unspoken, probing for insights, and supporting the mentee as they process, stumble, and unearth options.

Questions Loud Listeners ask:

• What was that experience like?
• Why do you think that happened?
• Why does it bother/excite you?
• What is the backstory, side story, or understory?
• How did you come to that perspective?
• What would the other person say if they were recounting this story?
• What was the result of that conversation?
• What are you going to do to get the results you want? [credit: The Oz Principles]
• In what ways do you want to grow in the next year?
• What kind of leader do you want to be?
• What do you want others to think when they see you coming?

Loud Listening ignites curiosity, awakening a mentee to the possibilities in each problem and situation. 

Wise mentors intentionally meet what Brooks calls “crucial conversational moments” with Loud Listening, choosing to immerse in the moment before introducing a segue, a story, or a solution.

Suddenly, the easy button becomes a meaningful button. 

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

These Roundtables are powerful not because of the stars they bring together but because of the structured conversations they kindle – they are Mentoring Circles that just happen to promote industry talent.

During each Roundtable, a facilitator leads the celebrities in an insightful exchange with thoughtful, relevant questions, prompting them to reflect on their careers, challenges, and experiences in Hollywood.

This year’s Actress Roundtable did not disappoint.

Demi Moore, Zoe Saldana, Mickey Madison, Tilda Swinton, Angelina Jolie, and Zendaya explored topics ranging from imposter syndrome and second-guessing their decisions to feeling self-conscious and ignoring their inner critics.

Like prior Roundtables, their conversation was revealing, entertaining, and uplifting.

At one point, Zendaya reflected on the beauty of connecting in this format,

“I appreciate having moments like this because at least now the connections are made. I can reach out and ask questions because all of you have such experience, and that’s so valuable. I often feel too nervous to reach out and ask, “Hey can I get some advice?”

To which Demi Moore quickly responded,

“In truth, it’s a real gift to feel like there’s any kind of experience, strength, and hope I could impart to someone. That is actually enriching. So, reach out!”

Proving that the desire for mentoring knows no bounds!

Unfortunately, many people feel like Zendaya: too nervous to reach out.

And most mentors feel like Demi: longing to impart their wisdom, hoping someone will benefit from it.

So what stops people (even famous people!) from connecting? That which can derail the best of us: fear, time, and distractions.

And that’s when a formal mentoring structure plays a strategic role, intentionally bringing people together for purposeful conversation.

Mentoring circles, mentoring programs, buddy programs, group mentoring, and job shadowing each normalize the exchange of advice, perspectives, and ideas. 

The Hollywood Reporter Roundtables work because the mentoring circle format reduces the intimidation factor, de-risking the connection.

And when the space feels safe, strangers evolve into acquaintances, and chitchat becomes bold banter.

But we don’t need an Oscar nomination to know that we could use some advice or that someone would benefit from our hard-earned wisdom.

We simply need to stop trying to navigate life alone.

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

It was in 1997, on the set of the movie Copland, that Peter set his intention on directing.

As he explained during an interview on the SmartLess podcast, Peter was in a scene with Sylvester Stallone, Robert De Niro, and Ray Leonard waiting to deliver his one line in the script, wondering, “What am I doing with my career?”

And then he noticed the director, James Mangold arguing with Stallone and questioning creative direction with De Niro and Leonard.

As Peter remembered the moment, “The director was alive! He had energy coming out of him!” 

At lunch, Peter walked up to Mangold, whom he did not really know, and asked earnestly, “How do I get your job?”

Instead of feeling threatened by Peter’s eagerness, Mangold welcomed it! He didn’t patronize or ridicule Peter. Instead, he conspiratorially shared his strategy with Peter.

Mangold said, “You’ve got to write. I use notecards to start writing the scenes and outlining the script.”

So, Peter did just that to craft the script for Very Bad Things, which launched his debut as a feature film director.

Similarly, when nurse manager Mervin Francisco-Passarella set his aspirations on becoming a Chief Nurse Executive (CNE), he gave voice to that vision by sharing it with his leader.

Mervin emphasized, “I admire the way you lead. I want to serve in a similar position someday.” 

Mervin’s vulnerability, coupled with respect, invited the mentoring he needed from his boss. In many conversations over the years, they explored Mervin’s winding path to the CNE role.

He continued to show up as mentor-able, allowing various leaders to show up as mentor-ful. In November, Mervin was promoted to Chief Nurse Executive.

When we let people know where we are headed and that we could use some guidance, it summons – even inspires – their contributions. The welcome mat for mentoring!

Before GPS became our copilot, we often stopped strangers to ask for directions. Doing so was an outright admission that we needed help on our route. 

Today, while we are more efficient with our navigation, technology shortchanges that human connection. Even strangers extend encouragement, nuanced guidance, and personalized, lived experiences.

But only when we point to a destination. 

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Benioff began his response by describing the endless amount of information that CEOs navigate daily: emails, texts, meetings, articles, reports, research, news, and updates.

To quickly navigate the overload, leaders tend to lean heavily on their vast experience and expertise to solve problems, often failing to consider or acknowledge new ideas or approaches.

Unfortunately, this I’m-an-expert approach favors efficiency over possibility.

To combat the hubris of previous experience, Benioff revealed his commitment to shoshin.

A Zen Buddhist concept, “shoshin” means having a beginner’s mind. It entails looking at a problem or a situation through the lens of a newcomer.

With shoshin, we are open, eager to discover, and free of preconceptions, assumptions, and expectations – just like beginners. With this frame of mind, anything is possible!

Imagine being new to a project, a problem, or a puzzle – the mind is filled with wonder and curiosity.

Benioff applies this same concept to mentoring.

When a leader calls Benioff for advice, he practices shoshin to ensure he meets the conversation with possibility, focusing first on the person, not the problem. 

Here’s how he unfolds a mentoring conversation:

• “Let’s start with your level of mindfulness and your mindset. Where are you?
• “What do you really want? That is the number one question to start.
• “What’s important to you?
• “Let’s start there with your vision and your values. That is where I want to spend the time with you right now.”

Benioff’s mentoring approach is like a pause button – encouraging people to see themselves first.

Mentoring is not about having all the answers. It’s about asking questions that prompt a change in thinking.

Benioff’s questions pause the propensity to fix problems with the been-there-done-it experience. He is unearthing a mentee’s core which then serves as a beacon for any advice, ideas, and guidance.

When a mentee asks for our support, we too risk leaning on our experience instead of exploring with our curiosity. Our desire to immediately fix a problem can drive us to offer a solution impulsively.

Where are you?
What do you hope for? 
What’s most important to you?

But starting with these three questions, we can create conversations that demand a beginner’s mind – ours and our mentees’.

© 2025. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

As I reflect on the Flash Mentoring articles that I wrote for you each week in 2024, I’m resharing the 9 that generated the most conversation:

1. Jelly Roll’s Father Mentored Him on Perfection Intolerance
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-jelly-rolls-father-mentored-him-on-perfection-intolerance/

2. Why Ryan Reynolds Chooses Observation Over Evaluation
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-why-ryan-reynolds-chooses-observation-over-evaluation/

3. Winners Quit a Lot
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-winners-quit-a-lot/

4. When a Broadway Actress Retaliated for Unsolicited Advice (and How You Can Avoid This in Mentoring)
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-when-a-broadway-actress-retaliated-for-unsolicited-advice-and-how-to-avoid-this-in-mentoring/

5. When Lucille Ball Mentored Carol Burnett Who Mentored Julia Louis-Dreyfus
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-when-lucille-ball-mentored-carol-burnett-who-mentored-julia-louis-dreyfus/

6. When Johnny Carson Delegated the Desk and Mentored David Letterman
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-when-johnny-carson-delegated-the-desk-and-mentored-david-letterman/

7. The Quest to Matter (the Undercurrent of Mentoring)
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-the-quest-to-matter-the-undercurrent-of-mentoring/

8. Why Michelle Obama Mentors
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-why-michelle-obama-mentors/

9. Path-Pivoting Mentorship (Are You a Ready-Now Mentee?)
https://mentorlead.com/blog/flash-path-pivoting-mentorship-are-you-a-ready-now-mentee/

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March 2025 marks 10 years of my weekly Flash articles. Thank you for reading and rooting!

It is a delight to be on this bigger-better-bolder adventure with you! I look forward to circling the sun with you again! Happy New Year!

© 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.