Ann Tardy, Author at MentorLead | The #1 Healthcare Mentorship Solution

[Flash] Feeling, Revealing, and Fact Dealing (When Priscilla Mentored Michelle)

Last year at a conference, I ran into Michelle, a Director of Nursing and one of my go-to mentors in the ACNL (Association of California Nurse Leaders) Mentoring Program.

She confessed, “I want to be selfish this year. Can you find me a mentor?”

Yes and yes!! (Leaders who mentor and seek mentorship inspire me!)

Shortly thereafter, I ran into Priscilla, a recently retired nurse executive who agreed to mentor Michelle in the program.

When it ended, Michelle declared Priscilla the mentor she had been waiting for her whole career!

What was their secret?

Michelle came to the relationship ready to accomplish three concrete goals, eager for Priscilla’s guidance, support, and advice.

But Priscilla came with curiosity. Before tackling those goals, she wanted to understand Michelle as a human being and why she chose those goals. Priscilla first focused on Michelle’s needs and emotions.

And this pause in productivity gave Michelle permission to be vulnerable and transparent.

Priscilla shifted the conversation from fact-finding to feelings.

In his refreshing new book, Supercommunicators, author Charles Duhigg explores how to effectively connect through communication.

He references a 2016 study by Harvard scientists who set out to understand the difference between successful and unsuccessful conversations. Studying hundreds of recorded conversations, they noticed that people interact in one of three ways:

Talk only about themselves
Ask fact-based questions
Ask feeling-based questions

Fact-based questions are simply a starting point, like small talk. The conversation ends when the responder answers the question.

“What do you do?”
“Where did you grow up?”
“What is the first job you ever had?”
“What are your hobbies?”

Many ice breakers, like “Fun Facts” and “Two Truths and a Lie,” often misfire because they simply exchange information without emotion.

Feeling-based questions go deeper. They draw out the other person’s needs, goals, beliefs, and emotions. They launch a discovery.

“What caused you to change course?”
“What was that experience like?”
“How do you define success?”
“What’s been weighing on your mind lately?”

To shift fact-gathering small talk into a deeper conversation, ask a follow-up feeling question steeped in genuine curiosity.

To further deepen the connection, the research concluded that when the other person reveals a need, goal, belief, or emotion, reveal something about yourself. Meet their vulnerability with yours.

The mutual sharing will demonstrate and cement trust.

Priscilla so masterfully pivoted their conversations from fact-gathering to feeling to revealing that Michelle ultimately referred to her mentor as her “soul friend.”

[Flash] The Real ROI of Mentoring (When Bridget Mentored Marianne)

What is the ROI of mentoring? Leaders often ask this to justify the time, energy, and money required to stand up a meaningful mentoring solution.

An abundance of research evidences its impact:

75% credit their success to mentoring
90% with a mentor are happy at work
67% are less likely to leave their job
82% enhanced their sense of belonging
91% felt more confident
88% strengthened their leadership skills

But numbers lack emotion. And because we take action based on emotion, we are hungry to hear the stories behind the numbers.

Last week, I witnessed a profound one…

I had organized the final celebration of a leadership mentoring program so the mentees could reflect on their experience and acknowledge their mentors.

When it was Marianne’s turn to share, she captivated us!

Marianne had joined the program because she was feeling stuck in her career.

In her words, “I dreamt of returning to nursing school, but my quiet voice was whispering, ‘Maybe it’s too late.’ So, I found myself just standing still.”

Then, she was formally matched with Bridget.

“My mentor is the kind of person who listens with her whole being. Who asks you the right question at the right time. Who doesn’t just point you toward your potential but walks beside you until you believe in it for yourself.”

“Bridget listened and heard me. She didn’t just encourage me to go back to nursing school; she helped me remember why I wanted to become a nurse in the first place.”

“She inspired me with her own story, connected me to information, plugged me into the right people, and encouraged me. Her steady belief in me lit a fire I didn’t realize had gone dim.”

“She became more than a mentor. She became a guiding force and a beautiful example of the kind of nurse and person I want to be.”

Marianne concluded her reflection with: “I’m not just going back to school. I’m walking forward in my path toward leadership with purpose, clarity, and a whole lot of gratitude.”

From the surprised look on Bridget’s face, I could tell she was not expecting that.

When Bridget and I talked afterwards, I asked her what she did as a mentor that altered the trajectory of Marianne’s life.

Bridget reflected, “Honestly, I just listened to her, offered her a few suggestions, identified some potential opportunities, and shared my own story of feeling stuck.”

And then Bridget added, “I didn’t think I had done anything out of the ordinary.”

But she did. She created a safe, supportive space for Marianne to navigate life and take action.

The numbers prove mentoring works. But the stories offer compelling reasons why it works.

[Flash] Conviction But Not Certainty (How Leaders and Mentors Take the Leap)

In a 2019 Wisdom from the Top podcast interview, former CEO of Autodesk, Carl Bass, shared his renegade leadership strategy:

In challenging times, “you want to have conviction, but not certainty. You need to have a steady hand on the tiller, but you can’t go back and forth all the time.”

“I thought of myself as the bus driver. If I try to avoid every pothole and everything in the road, everyone in the back of the bus will get pretty nauseous.”

Carl joined Autodesk when it acquired his start-up in 1993. Shortly thereafter, CEO Carol Bartz identified Carl as her successor and mentored him to take the helm upon her retirement.

During Carl’s tenure, he faced considerable challenges: a financial crisis, a recession, an activist investor, and the company’s new business model.

Carl met each challenge with bold decision-making. He forged a path forward with no guarantee of success.

“Conviction but not certainty” is clarity of purpose combined with a tolerance for ambiguity.

Ambiguity is tough, however, especially for leaders who like to be in control! When the unknown feels too risky, they tend to gather more evidence, produce surveys, overanalyze data, and seek consensus.

But people want to follow leaders who possess confidence, commit to some path, and are decisive. They don’t need a guarantee; they need vision in the midst of fog. They need leadership.

Moving ahead without certainty is where significant progress occurs, ideas are born, and trust is built – in ourselves and each other.

Agreeing to mentor is conviction without certainty. We invest in a mentee’s potential before they can show us results.

Taking a new job is conviction without certainty. We invest our career in a new team with no assurance of success.

Even getting married is conviction without certainty. We invest in a union with the promise of forever but not a warranty.

Why? Because we believe in the possibility of the future. And that belief is louder than our fears.

That belief emboldens us to improvise, innovate, iterate, and improve. Undeterred by the unknown, we navigate, adapt, and adjust, eager to discover and learn as we go.

So, when we don’t take action, it’s not the guarantee we are missing. It’s the belief.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin

[Flash] Water Don’t Weed (and Other Cardinal Rules of Being a Mentor)

I have a Mentee who is struggling. And my urge to fix her situation caused me to break some cardinal rules of mentoring last week.

Our monthly conversation started strong: I re-established trust, and when she regaled me with the latest in her ongoing saga, I practiced loud listening.

But suddenly, I heard the rescuer in me proclaiming, “You should…” “You must…” “Here’s what you need to do….” and “Go! Now!”

And like an over-eager, compliant Mentee, she “Yes!”-ed me, agreeing to implement my advice immediately.

I left the conversation feeling like a rockstar – I changed my Mentee’s life! I almost strained a muscle, patting myself on the back.

So when I received a disappointing text from her a week later with a sheepish update replete with excuses and apologies, I realized what I had done – I had broken a few cardinal rules of mentoring:

I acted like she needed fixing
I told her what to do
I became invested in her executing my advice
I failed to consider her people-pleasing nature

Cardinal Rules

1. Water Don’t Weed.
Mentees don’t need fixing. Mentees seek guidance and support as they traverse change and grow their careers.

2. Slow to Yes, Fast to Maybe.
Mentees often want to indulge us, which can rob them of critical thinking. Our position allows us to observe this need-to-please and encourage them to exchange their fast-Yeses for strong-maybes: “That’s an idea.” or “I’ll consider that.”

3. Challenge Don’t Cheer.
When a Mentee expresses a concern, we attempt to boost their confidence by gushing, “Don’t worry! You’re amazing! You’ve got this!” But doing so inadvertently invalidates their concerns.

They don’t need cheerleading. They need a thought partner who helps them navigate their worries: “What is causing this concern? Is there another way to frame the situation? What can you do to mitigate it? Here’s what I’ve tried …”

4. Question Marks Before Periods.
Question marks help us dig deeper to ensure any story or advice will be relevant and valuable. Our job is to explore options with our Mentees, not flood them with platitudes and proverbs.

5. Improv Not an Orchestra.
The conductor of an orchestra knows precisely who is going to play which instrument at what time. Conversely, a comedian on an improv stage has no idea what words will appear next.

Treat mentoring like an improv exercise, not an orchestra performance. Be present, agile, and accepting, with a splash of levity.

[Flash] Jane Fonda’s Audacious Mentoring of Chelsea Handler

Comedian and author Chelsea Handler jammed her new book, I’ll Have What She’s Having, with her standard irreverent and derisive storytelling.

But in the middle, she takes a surprising pause to share a poignant, seminal mentoring moment with Jane Fonda.

As Chelsea describes the encounter, Jane invited Chelsea for dinner: “I need to talk to you.”

When they sat down to eat, Jane did not hesitate, “You might have noticed that I’ve been icy toward you since the fundraiser, and I want to tell you why.”
[Jane demonstrated accountability for her actions.]

“You behaved badly at my party. From the moment you came in, you had a black cloud hanging over you. You insulted people, and it brought the whole party down. A few people told me you were horrible to them.”
[Jane directly shared her experience, condemning not Chelsea but her behavior.]

“I don’t get it. Why did you even come if you were in that kind of mood?”

[Genuinely confused and curious, Jane paused to allow Chelsea to engage and explain.]

Chelsea met Jane’s candidness with humility. She revealed her recent journey into therapy to work on her deep anger.

[Rather than defend her behavior, Chelsea leaned into Jane’s invitation, not with excuses but with vulnerability.]

Encouraged, Jane responded, “Good. Your gifts are plentiful. Sometimes, people with the most gifts have the easiest time throwing them in the trash.”

[Here, Jane disclosed the compelling reason she summoned Chelsea to dinner. And doing so validated Chelsea’s talent.]

“Don’t be a product of your environment, Chelsea. Make your environment be a product of you.”

[Like a female Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jane concluded with watershed wisdom.]

It was risky. Without obligation, agenda, or permission, Jane confronted Chelsea despite the unpredictability of Chelsea’s reaction.

Jane dared Chelsea to be better than her behavior. It was audacious.

And Chelsea could have easily missed the moment.

She could have avoided the altercation, accused Jane of offending her, justified her actions, and then unloaded it all on stage in a future comedy sketch disparaging Jane.

Instead, she recognized Jane’s generosity, a raw display of humanity.

Chelsea concluded, “Jane will never have to talk with me about my behavior again – that kind of honesty deserves action!”

Audacious mentoring moments can be formative when our courage with each other meets our commitment to each other.

[Flash] When Wicked Director Jon Chu’s Mentors Gave Conflicting Advice

In his new memoir, Viewfinder, Jon M. Chu, the director of Crazy Rich Asians and Wicked, shares his journey from USC film school to the Oscars.

When Steven Spielberg discovered a short film Jon produced for school, he invited Jon to shadow him on a movie set for the day.

Spielberg offered Jon this advice: “Be extraordinarily careful about choosing your first project – hold out until you find the one that means a lot, that would allow you to do your best work, that would define you for Hollywood.”

Unfortunately, this moment with Jon’s idol was followed by a few promising projects that fizzled and a 5-year drought in which he didn’t work on any movies.

So, when an opportunity to direct the sequel to So You Can Dance came to him, Jon considered it.

But the studio offered it as a “direct-to-DVD” movie. In Jon’s words, “The lowest form of directing gig. I’m not that person. I can’t be that person!”

Directing a direct-to-DVD sequel would be ignoring Spielberg’s mentoring.

When he mentioned the offer to his mom and told her he would turn it down, she scoffed, “Since when did you become a snob?”

She continued, “You’re a storyteller, right? You should be able to tell a story in any form – even a direct-to-DVD movie. So, go tell a story.”

Whose advice should he follow: Steven Spielberg’s or his mom’s?

Spielberg’s mentoring was substantial, but, as Jon reflected, it fed a self-image that became Jon’s anchor rather than a beacon.

Conversely, his mom’s mentoring reminded Jon why he wanted to be a filmmaker.

With renewed confidence, Jon chose to be a great storyteller. He proactively reconfigured the script for Step Up 2 to tell the story through street dancing. His pitch to Disney was so compelling that they changed it to a theatrical release.

And just like that, Jon’s career launched.

Having multiple mentors is valuable – they offer different perspectives and perceptions.

But it’s imperative to be discerning when advice pours in, especially when recommendations diverge.

Mentors are well-intended; however, context matters. Sometimes, the advice they offer is vacuum-sealed, while our situation never is.

But mentors are never responsible for our success; they are simply responsive to us.

It’s our job not to execute every morsel of mentoring but to unravel and decipher them. And then take action.

Compile. Contemplate. Choose.

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[Flash] Actress Kristin Bell Wants Your Advice

During an interview a few years ago, actress Kristin Bell reflected:

“I am a person who likes advice. I love getting advice because I have enough self-esteem to acknowledge the advice but know that I don’t have to take it. No one’s watching me apply it.”

“I want to know how you made your marriage work. I want to know how you performed better at an audition. I want to know how you parented your kids and got them to sleep better.”

“And then, I can choose what to use.”

Here’s where advice gets tangled:

If we have high confidence, we don’t seek it – we tend to rely on our own judgment.
If we have low confidence, we tend to view advice as unwanted criticism.

According to research, 76% of people report feeling annoyed, defensive, and inadequate when people give them advice – even when it’s well-intended!

When did our ego become the gatekeeper of wisdom?

People all around us want to offer help. And they often do so without our permission – even “Have a nice day!” is unsolicited advice.

But instead of leveraging our daily interactions to improve, we often opt to protect our pride.

Instead of welcoming the possibility of gaining fresh ideas, insights, and interpretations, we contort around the fragility of our esteem.

Kristin Bell’s approach is grounded in curiosity:

Incessantly eager to discover better ways.
All advice is welcomed – invited and uninvited.
Steadfastly committed to improve and choose.

My husband is a prolific advice-giver. His prosocial behavior is triggered when he hears about someone’s problem, project, or purpose.

He immediately thinks about who or what he knows – mentoring is his leadership language. And without asking permission, he contributes guidance and recommendations.

Unfortunately, I’ve watched countless people miss it. They politely nod, uncurious, as he doles out invaluable connections and ideas. Sometimes, they get dismissive, even defensive.

But occasionally, I’ll witness a savvy one who leans in, listens intently, and then does something brilliant… they ask a question. A question that helps them discern how the advice might better their life.

And when they contemplate the potential of incoming wisdom, their confidence noticeably elevates.

By adopting Kristin Bell’s drive to curate advice, transactions can become transformations.

[Flash] When Lily Tomlin Astutely Mentored SNL Lorne Michaels

In 1973, Lorne Michaels had not yet created Saturday Night Live.

That was the year he was a fully bearded comedy writer, weighing a few different work opportunities, feeling desperate to take the one that paid the most.

And then comedian Lily Tomlin asked to meet – she had been following Lorne’s writing. They immediately bonded over their shared love of comedy, and she invited him to write for a television special she was producing.

In that same conversation…

Lily bluntly asked: “How long have you had that beard?”
Lorne: “Seven or eight months.”
Lily paused and reflectively shared: “When I want to hide, I just grow bangs.”

Her discernment surprised him – like she could see right through him.He shaved the next day and accepted her offer, even though it was a smaller project paying less money.

Why?

Lily didn’t give him unsolicited advice. Without judgment, she simply mirrored back to him what she saw.

She offered her perception by relating to it. In doing so, she accepted him. And because Lorne felt seen, he could metabolize her comment.

When I was graduating from law school in Chicago, I felt a bit like Lorne. Lost. Unclear which path to take next.

I was working at a small firm at the time when one of the partners casually inquired, “What are your plans after graduation?”

I awkwardly yet vulnerably admitted, “I have no idea. I only thought about getting to law school. I haven’t figured out what’s next.”

Then, without an agenda, he shrewdly shared one of his life-changing experiences: “The best thing I ever did was move away from home. I moved to Atlanta for a few years. Eventually, I moved back, but the experience changed my perspective.”

That was a seminal moment! The partner revealed a new option I had never considered: I could go somewhere else, take an adventure, and see the world differently. And so, I did. I moved to San Francisco to practice law.

Mentoring is not to be implemented; it’s to be interpreted. Lorne didn’t need to grow bangs to stop hiding, and I didn’t need to move to Atlanta to launch my career.

Astute mentoring starts with acceptance, adds perceptiveness, and culminates in an advice-teeming story.

Mentors influence us not by preaching “you should!” but by inviting us to see possibilities with “you could…”

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