Search Results for: Not for me

I have a confession… I’ve been kissing a lot of worms lately.

Figuratively, not literally.

I keep getting in the weeds on projects – I’m so far in that I’m kissing worms. For example, Cindy on my team took the initiative to set up a follow-up meeting with a client. I insisted on participating and then I monopolized the conversation. I didn’t need to. She is the consummate client engagement specialist.

So why am I suddenly micromanaging?  Well if I’m honest, I’ve been traveling a lot, the team is growing, and I’m feeling disconnected and less relevant.

Insecurity is at the root of all worm-kissing:

• We don’t know people’s skills or experiences.
• We’re confounded by the importance of the situation or task.
• We feel left out of the loop and therefore vulnerable.
• And sometimes we’re avoiding other aspects of our job where we feel less proficient.

As managers, we’re masterful at kissing worms – managing the heck out of projects made us successful in the first place! But the problem with kissing worms:

• Our distrust bruises morale (and breeds distrust).
• We solve problems for people, which hampers their growth.
• We aren’t teaching, coaching, training, or developing.
• We become overwhelmed – with our work and theirs.
• We can’t take on new projects or strategize about the big picture.

Granted, some situations warrant our increased involvement, but we can view the weeds without diving into them:

• Agree on a schedule for receiving updates
• Discover people’s skills and experiences
• Share context and content
• Ensure people have what they need to be successful
• Encourage questions and ideas
• Allow people to fail and learn

To be a better boss, we must delegate to develop, grow, and recognize people.  In other words… kiss people, not worms (figuratively, not literally).

ps. If you are burdened by a boss who loves to kiss worms, just commit to over-communicating.

Golden State Warriors are in the NBA Finals… again! And Coach Steve Kerr’s strategically choreographed halftime routine undoubtedly contributes to that success.

“Clip that!” Throughout the first half of every game, Warriors coaches call out, “Clip that!” to identify a great play by the Warriors to be edited from video footage.

Replay the Highlights
Then in the locker room at halftime, Coach Kerr replays 8-10 video clips to highlight the Warriors’ defensive moves, strategic offensive plays, and dexterity in moving the ball down the court.

Labeling
Coach Kerr is leveraging a behavioral influence called “Labeling” – people tend to mold their actions based on a label they are given. People then reinforce the label when they adopt the characteristics (the actions!) of that label.

By replaying the highlights of his team’s champion moves, Coach Kerr labels them “champions,” which then influences them to play like champions in the second half.

And it works. The Warriors are notorious for dominating the second half of every game, regardless of how they played in the first half.

We too can “Clip that!” to label our people “champions”…

1. Celebrate wins Real estate manager Gailene posts gold stars on her office door with each week’s listings and sales along with the responsible agents’ headshots.

2. Circulate success stories Jose shares people’s success stories in meetings and in monthly internal newsletters.

3. Request and share client feedback After each project, Shanya asks clients for a testimonial about her people to showcase the difference they made. 

4. Capture and applaud people’s ideas, insights, and innovations Raj keeps a journal so he can spotlight people’s contributions during 1:1s and in his handwritten notes to them.

5. End each meeting with a recap of the highlights Invite everyone to call “Clip it!” throughout the meeting!

By labeling people great today, we can influence them to be great again tomorrow.

According to research:

• 65% of employees want more feedback from their boss
• 72% believe their performance would improve if their boss offered more feedback

And yet feedback continues to be hijacked.

Why? Because, in spite of its enormous value, it can be confronting. Ultimately feedback reveals us to ourselves.

Consequently, people avoid asking for it, while bosses avoid giving it.

Why the antics? Because people assume all feedback is negative (even when it’s cleverly labeled “constructive”). And negative feedback feels critical and judgmental.

So what? Get thicker skin, right? Well, here’s the psychological skinny on criticism… the brain processes criticism as a threat to our survival. More specifically, when we are criticized, we cognitively feel the threat of being excluded from a group… even when the feedback is completely accurate.

So how can we offer the feedback that people want and need in order to grow, without triggering their fears of being excluded or ostracized?

Be a mirror.

A mirror offers a reflection. It allows people to see what they cannot see on their own: their face, their teeth, their hair, their outfit. All without the mirror’s judgment or criticism (unless you’re Snow White, of course).

As a boss, we can similarly help people see what they cannot see. We can offer a reflection of their actions, efforts, and behaviors that they might not be able to (or want to) see with their own eyes.

How?

• Invite: “Would it help to hear my perspective?”
• Express: “I’m happy about… I’m worried about…”
• Reflect: “I’ve noticed… I’ve observed…”
• Involve: “What do you see?”

When we are committed to contributing to someone’s success, we can serve as their mirror by offering a valuable perspective, while mitigating the innate fears that criticism triggers. 

In an episode of “Veep,” the narcissistic character played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus halts a hallway meeting with colleagues to rudely ask her daughter, “Why is that your hair?”

Dr. Carla Naumburg would not approve.

In a recent New York Times article on resilient children, clinical social worker Dr. Naumburg implicates parents’ proclivity to challenge unwanted behavior with “why” questions, ex: “Why can’t you pick up your toys?”

Dr. Naumburg then offered a more useful, even profound, question to consider instead: “Why am I responding this way?“

This shift in focus gave me enormous pause… as a step-parent, a boss, a colleague, and a human being. Reflecting on the numerous interactions we have daily with people at home, at work, and in the world, our buttons often get pushed.

And when they do, our knee-jerk responses are typically laced with impatience, irritation, defensiveness, and judgment: Why are we doing this? Why did you do that? Why isn’t this done? Why did you say it like that? Why are you wearing that?

But Dr. Naumburg suggests that we take responsibility for allowing our buttons to be pushed.

Essentially, own our own responses. We can set expectations, hold boundaries, and support ground rules while still owning our own response… with a dose of empathy, patience, and generosity.

Just a simple pause for a focus-shifting breath to consider…

• why am I responding this way?
• why do I care?
• should I care?
• will it make a difference?

And when we run a team or an organization, this focus-shifting concept bears a higher level of importance. People are constantly observing our responses to mold their own. So then intentionally pausing to consider “Why am I responding this way?” becomes vital to our success and theirs.

In law school, we were taught to look at every case from three sides: the plaintiff’s, the defendant’s, and the bystander’s.

But if we want to transform situations, we need to think about problems not just from different angles, but with different mindsets.

Created by Edward de Bono, the Six Thinking Hats methodology challenges our automatic, natural way of thinking. It forces us to suspend our judgments and consider various perspectives of an issue before making a decision.

A powerful collaboration tool, the Six Thinking Hats encourages and even emboldens conversation and exploration.

How does it work? Before taking action or making a decision, purposely explore the issue or problem using each of the following mindsets:

• Blue Hat: look at the big picture
• White Hat: examine purely the facts
• Red Hat: consider only emotional feelings
• Black Hat: explore just the practical and the realistic
• Yellow Hat: reflect on the brighter, sunny side
• Green Hat: think outside the box

Putting on a different colored hat (literally or metaphorically) symbolizes a switch in thinking. Each color represents a mindset:

• Blue: Managing
• White: Information
• Red: Emotions
• Black: Discernment
• Yellow: Optimism
• Green: Creativity

It’s more than shifting our chair to see the problem from divergent angles; it’s about approaching a problem with a diverse, fresh perspective.

If you want to improve your critical thinking and problem solving skills, pause to switch hats, and start thinking differently.

And if you lead a team or an organization, you are likely starved for people who think differently. Use the Six Thinking Hats to intentionally instigate strategic, critical thinking.

The power from your people depends on it.