Search Results for: Not for me

I raced into my doctor’s office yesterday, responding to emails before my appointment. When she entered, she was calm, present, and engaged. Suddenly, I found myself calm, present, and engaged. My frenzy was gone and we hadn’t even started.

Moods create behavior, and behavior is contagious.

Psychologists call this Emotional Contagion.

It works in 3 stages:

1. Mimicry: We unconsciously and subtly imitate each other’s nonverbal cues, like posture and facial expressions.
2. Feedback: Those expression (ex: smiling) trigger certain emotions (ex: happiness).
3. Synchronicity: Our feelings then synchronize with our behaviors.

Example: I scowl. You unconsciously mirror me, so you scowl. That scowl triggers angry feelings. Soon you take on angry behaviors that match your angry feelings.

In fact, negative emotions are more contagious than positive – we react strongly to pain, fear, sadness, and disgust, as these are directly linked to our survival.

Buy why should we care about Emotional Contagion?

Research reveals that emotions don’t just spread from one person to another; they influence group dynamics, especially those involved in a shared effort, like a project.

Even hostage negotiators are trained in Emotional Contagion. They learn to create empathy and trust so perpetrators want to work with them.

Hostage negotiators rely on 3 principle behaviors that we can employ too:

1. The Late Night FM-DJ Voice: Use a calm, soothing, assertive voice, even as someone is screaming at you.
2. Self-Control: Control your own emotions. Don’t get triggered by someone’s anger.
3. Dynamic Inactivity: Silence can de-escalate a situation. Be quiet, do nothing, and allow the other person to have the last word – let them feel in control.

If we want to successfully connect and engage with others, we need to be intentional and responsible for the influence of our moods and behaviors.

Stan Lee, publisher of Marvel Comics and creator of superheroes like Spiderman, the Incredible Hulk, and the Fantastic Four died this week at age 95.

Stan was iconic for giving his superheroes human qualities – his characters made mistakes, became frustrated, and battled inner demons, not just villains. But ultimately they saved the day.

Stan not only entertained us, he inspired us to make the world a better place.

How? Heroism!

1. helping someone in need
2. without expectation of credit, reward, or recognition
3. knowing there is a personal risk (physical, financial, or social, such as judgment, criticism, or even embarrassment)

Researchers have identified heroic traits:

• Empathy
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Courage
• Conviction
• Kindness
• Optimism
• Altruism

(also the traits of an exceptional Mentor!)

Typically we associate heroes with mystical creatures who run into burning buildings. But heroism doesn’t demand a tragedy.

We are heroic whenever we act to help someone in need and there’s nothing in it for us. (Instead of allowing what’s-in-it-for-me to direct our action or inaction.)

Essentially, with intention, determination, action, and practice, we can each be heroic in situations and moments:

1. take action (when most people look away)
2. speak up (when most people are silent)
3. be uncomfortable (when most people won’t take physical, financial, or social risks)
4. help someone in need (when most people say, “not my problem”)
5. and never expect appreciation

Examples:

• Stand up for someone defenseless
• Help a stranger with directions
• Sponsor a family at the holidays
• Volunteer at a food bank
• Donate money or clothes
• Comfort a stranger
• Mentor others

Hero researcher Phillip Zimbardo: “Each of us possesses an inner hero; if stirred to action, that inner hero is capable of performing tremendous goodness for others.”

And the secret to “stirring our inner hero to action”? Knowing we can make a difference.

When I grudgingly moved from California to New Jersey a decade ago, I regaled everyone I met with stories about “amazing San Francisco!”

The result? It took me a long time to make friends.

Why? I violated a critical rule: know your audience.

Whether we are talking with new neighbors, teaching a workshop, exploring an idea with a team, or giving a presentation from the stage, we need to start with “know your audience” not “know your topic.”

1. Know who is in the audience (their background and experiences)
2. Understand their communication preferences (do they want stories, bullets, research, experiences, props?)
3. Relate to them (what do you have in common with them?)
4. Consider their reaction to the topic/message (will they be defensive or curious?)
5. Ascertain their priorities (what’s important to them?)
6. Determine why your topic is important to them (why are they willing to listen?)
7. Talk about what’s important to them (frame your topic/message accordingly)

Some practical ways to “know your audience:”

• Interview people before a meeting/presentation to learn their priorities, preferences, and perspectives (don’t just rely on titles and assumptions!)
• Ask questions to involve people and determine what they want to learn about you or the topic
• Be flexible and adapt based on what you discover
• Provide context and backstory (…if they want it)
• Explain jargons and acronyms (…if they need it)
• Observe their listening (notice eye contact, smartphone usage, facial expressions)
• Look around and see where you’re at – let the environment inform (ex: people who live in NJ don’t want to hear incessantly how great it is to live someplace else!)
• Be patient and curb your defensiveness if they disagree or appear disinterested

To build trust and respect, audiences (of all sizes) want to know that we get them and that what we’re saying actually matters to them.

Essentially, people just want to know that we care about their stage before our own.

Shin Lin, the magician who won America’s Got Talent this year, so perfected his craft that he made me believe in magic.

It was extreme dedication on display… an obsession with extraordinary results.

When UC Berkeley professor Morton Hansen extensively researched the behaviors of top performers, he discovered that they:

• have fewer goals, and
• obsess like crazy over them

In other words, less volume, more intensity.

How?

1. Get super clear about what’s important.
   Have a conversation with your boss, an exploration with a mentor, some reflection on what is essential to your job, your career goals, and your life.
2. Edit the unnecessary.
   What distractions, tasks, errands, projects, or clutter can be delegated, decreased, or eliminated? (ex: watching television, manually paying bills, constantly checking social media)
3. Intensify the efforts.
   Obsess over creating extraordinary results in spite of circumstances.

Professional athletes are obsessed with their sport.
Rock stars are obsessed with their music.
Activists are obsessed with their cause.

When I look at my most high-performing times and my most game-changing accomplishments, they’ve come on the heels of an obsession.

• When I’m obsessed about writing a book, I rearrange my life to write daily.
• When I’m obsessed about a cycling adventure, I pedal every morning… even when it’s cold and dark.

But when I’m unclear about what’s important, I’m not obsessed with creating extraordinary results. Instead, I’m scattered, rapt with excuses:I’m busy. I’m tired. I’m disorganized. The weather. The traffic. Computer issues…blah blah blah…

On Shark Tank, Mark Cuban refused to invest in an entrepreneur who appeared resigned to her circumstances. He said, “I can’t see writing a check for somebody who finds the excuse rather than finds the opportunity. I’m out.”

The question is… would Mark Cuban invest in you today?

I had the privilege and pleasure of speaking in Buffalo, NY last week for the Project Management Institute (PMI).

At the end of my keynote, the conference organizers surprised me with a trophy.

And not just any trophy… a solid, wooden block engraved with my name, topped with a large, brass buffalo, standing 13 inches tall and weighing 3 pounds. It is not insignificant.

I gushed in delight. And then I wondered… how was I going to transport it in my small carry-on luggage?

Determined to take it home, I opted to carry the Buffalo Trophy through the airport, like an Emmy.

And as a result, I made a lot of friends:

• The TSA security agent and I laughed about bringing bigger luggage next time.
• The waitress and other patrons at the airport restaurant congratulated me, wanting to know more about my award.
• Passengers in the boarding area enjoyed the ongoing banter sparked by the buffalo.
• Two guys on the airtrain loved it so much they insisted on taking a selfie with me and the buffalo.

Here’s what I discovered from carrying the Buffalo Trophy:

1. Significant and Personal Recognition is Powerful
The trophy is an indisputable statement of PMI’s appreciation. And it was unnecessary… I received a nice fee for my keynote. But PMI went out of their way to ensure that I felt recognized, appreciated, and special all the way home.

2. People are Eager to Connect but Need a Reason
The Buffalo Trophy is noticeable and peculiar – an instant conversation piece, making it easy to connect and engage with complete strangers. I had so much fun carrying the Buffalo Trophy that I am might take it with me on my next trip.

And rest assured, when PMI-Buffalo calls me again, I’ll make time for them!

When asked about her success as a 30-year journalist and international reporter, Christiane Amanpour reflected, “I report the news without fear or favor.”

She was echoing Adolph S. Ochs who, in 1896 upon assuming control of The New York Times, declared in the editorial page:

“It will be my earnest aim that The New York Times... give the news impartially, without fear or favor, regardless of party, sect, or interests involved…”

Without fear or favor…
What do we fear? Judgment, criticism, threats, blame
What do we favor? Our own opinions, perspectives, solutions, and advice

So what would it take to lead without fear or favor? Courage.

• Courage to make unconventional decisions and choices at the risk of reprimand or retribution
• Courage to seek and consider divergent viewpoints of any situation, person, or problem

Practically, this guiding principle calls upon us to:

• Question our own opinions and perspectives
• Welcome others’ ideas, advice, and solutions (even when we think we know the right answer)
• Listen curiously, interested in what we’re not seeing (our blindspots!)
• Suspend our judgment when someone presents their side of an issue
• Govern out of integrity, dignity, and fairness, not popularity or self-interest
• Pursue a vision (our battle cry!) in the face of objection, opposition, negativity, even vitriol

When Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini introduced yoga and meditation to the company notwithstanding his CFO’s disapproval; when he investigated a suggestion that his front-line employees were suffering from inadequate benefits; when he improved those benefits, undeterred by shareholder defection; when he negotiated with CVS to maintain those benefits upon acquisition of Aetna… he demonstrated “leading without fear or favor.”

Better bosses lead with the courage and commitment to be changed by, for, and with others.

According to University of Maryland Professor Robert Povine’s research on laughter, the higher up on a group’s hierarchy, the less we laugh.

In other words, leaders don’t laugh much.

But we should and here’s why…

Povine’s research reveals that laughter is not about humor. It’s about social bonding. We bond when we laugh together.

Studies show that when we bond, we strengthen the trust in our relationships.

And nothing happens in leadership without trust.

So why don’t bosses laugh more?

• Fear of perception (does being funny undermine my intelligence?)
• Too focused on the bottom line
• Other leaders aren’t laughing (is it acceptable?)
• Sense of humor has atrophied (laughter is associated with play and adults don’t play as much)
• Technology strangles laughter (more time on email and collaboration tools, means less time with people)

So how can we intentionally incorporate laughter into our leadership?

• Look for humorous situations and ironic moments
• Tell a go-to joke and ask others for their go-to jokes
• Share funny stories and invite others to do the same
• Self-deprecate (this underscore our humanity)
• Point out the insanity or inanity of situations
• Introduce improv games and team-building activities

Fortunately laughter is contagious... we actually smile and laugh at the sound of laughter (which explains the success of the Tickle Me Elmo doll!)

(As you exercise your funny bone, one enormous caution about inappropriate laughter. If you laugh at others (who are not laughing at themselves), mock certain groups, or giggle from nerves, you will contaminate trust.)

Laughter is an expression of joy. And when we intentionally make joy a part of our job as leaders, people look forward to working with us… no matter how grueling or stressful work may be.