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[Flash] The Secret to Durable Relationships (according to SLJ and RBG!)

On a promotional tour for his new movie this year, Samuel L. Jackson discussed his extensive and prolific acting career as well as his 48-year marriage.

When asked about the secret to his wedded bliss, Jackson answered, “Amnesia.”

Jackson says that sometimes it’s better to let things go, forget they ever happened. He feels this approach allows him to form stronger relationships with everyone.

And when Jennifer Lopez wanted some advice before her wedding, she reached out to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (RBG) who had been married for 50 years before her husband died.

RBG shared the sage advice her mother-in-law gave her on her wedding day: “It helps sometimes to be a little deaf.”

RBG added, “A deaf ear also works in every workplace, including the good job I have now.”

So what should we forget or pretend not to hear? The perceived slights, injustices, annoyances, frustrations, and disappointments. Making the petty profound threatens every relationship we have.

And if we don’t let them go? They evolve into what relationship expert John Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling” – indicators of an impending end to our relationship.

But we don’t even have to “get over it.” We just have to get past it.

How? By asking a few simple questions:

Does it matter?
Does it really matter?
Why?
What if it didn’t matter?

The act of forgetting is adaptive, says neurobiologist James McGaugh. It’s essential to help us focus on understanding the world, not obsessing over every infraction.

If we want better relationships at work and at home, we would benefit from a little amnesia, a deaf ear, thicker skin, and a reality check.

Always take the high road. It’s far less crowded. Warren Buffett

[Flash] Rerouting… What the GPS Can Teach Us about Leading Better

Lately, I’ve been relying heavily on my GPS navigation device to traverse unknown streets around the country as I travel.

And I’ve noticed that the GPS is masterful at using leadership strategies to ensure I continue to follow it.

Here’s what the GPS can teach us about being a better boss:

1. Alternative Routes
By offering a variety of route options (fastest, scenic, avoid tolls), the GPS allows us to choose, ensuring we are involved from the beginning.

Behind a wheel or behind a project, people crave involvement. With autonomy to choose the route, people will own their choice.

2. Traffic Ahead
By regularly offering updates on traffic delays, construction, accidents, and alternative routes, the GPS shares requisite information to reach our destination successfully.

People trust leaders who share information that contributes to the success of the goal.

3. Stay in the Right Lane
The GPS software is programmed to state directions in the positive, not in the negative, ex: “Stay in the right three lanes.” (instead of, “Don’t use the left lane.” or “Don’t take this exit.”)

When we focus on positive directions, people feel good about themselves, and they persevere.

4. Rerouting…
When we miss a turn or don’t follow the directions, the GPS simply says, “Rerouting…” It never scolds, “You missed the exit!” or “Wrong turn!”

We lead better when we help people accomplish a goal without judgment or criticism. Stay invested in the destination, not the route.

5. You’ve Reached Your Destination!
When we arrive, the GPS hails our accomplishment, “You’ve reached your destination.”

People are starved for acknowledgement and recognition.

While we employ it to serve our success, in actuality the GPS is leading us on the journey… like a great boss!

[Flash] Repeat the Good Stuff (and Help People Combat Sabotaging Self-Talk)

Bob scheduled a car to pick me up. He said, “I’ve worked with Mr. Woldegiorgis for 8 years and he’s fabulous.” When Mr. Woldegiorgis arrived, the first thing I said when I got in the car, “Bob thinks you’re fabulous.” Mr. Woldegiorgis smiled, sat up proudly, and drove me to the airport as only a fabulous driver would.

It is estimated that 50,000 thoughts race through our minds every day, and 70% of them do not serve our success. We spend an inordinate amount of time doubting ourselves, obsessing about mistakes, and worrying. The flood of negative thoughts is self-deflating.

But we can help combat people’s sabotaging self-talk by repeating the good stuff we hear others say about them.

For example, when Barbara emailed me, “My mentor is awesome!” I forwarded Barbara’s email to her mentor, repeating the good stuff. Barbara’s mentor immediately replied, “Thank you! That made my day!”

It’s a phenomenon called the “Pygmalion effect” in which people internalize positive labels. Essentially, others’ expectations of them affect their performance.

As leaders when we repeat the good stuff, we elevate the importance of that positive label which serves to:

shift sabotaging thoughts to success thoughts
set our high expectations of the person (we want to experience their good stuff too!)

And this leads to an increase in performance, because people want to emulate their positive label.

Here’s what I love about repeating good stuff:

It’s easy to do
We make others feel good about themselves
We make the person who said the good stuff look good
We look good for sharing it
We inspire people to perform in a way that matches that positive label

When people feel good about themselves, they achieve more. And we need people inflated by pride, not deflated by self-sabotage.

[Flash] Persevere! (Lessons from Pedal Pushing Around Vermont)

Today we finished our cycling adventure around the Green Mountain State!

As the last few miles moved under my pedals, I reflected on what I’ve learned from this year’s ride…

Was it about having more fun and finding more joy? No!

There were plenty of un-joyful moments during this trip:

The 60 miles we biked soaking wet through unrelenting rain
The 22,863 feet of elevation we climbed up merciless hills
The 10-15% grades that had me at times pedaling slower than I could walk
The hauling all my stuff in bags suspended from my bike for 372 miles
The eating dinner at a gas station grocery mart when everything was closed on Labor Day
The wind and thunderstorms
The saddle that ruthlessly tortured my sit bones
The nasty feeling from recycling the same clothes for a week
The closed roads and detours

So, no. My insight was not about creating more fun-filled journeys in life.

Rather, I re-discovered what it means to persevere in spite of all those un-joyful moments. To set a goal and endure through a deluge of unwanted circumstances. To be completely uncomfortable and inconvenienced (and hungry!) in dogged pursuit of a finish line. And to get up the next day and face it all again.

My reward? I experienced a beautiful state, explored delightful towns, and met interesting people. And I amazed myself with my own strength and power.

As Jim Rohn once said, “The ultimate reason for setting goals is to entice you to become the person it takes to achieve them.”

Ultimately it wasn’t about the mileage or the elevation. It was about becoming a stronger person mentally, emotionally, and physically. It was about re-learning to persevere in the face of uncontrollable, unforgiving circumstances.

I’m ready for the next challenge!

[Flash] Vigilantly Joyful or Heedlessly Judge-y? (The Case Against Unsolicited Advice)

My favorite column in Sunday’s New York Times is “Social Q’s” penned by Philip Galanes.

Philip answers social etiquette questions in the style of “Dear Abby.” And his comments are always refreshingly candid.

Recently someone wrote to Philip about a friend whose is engaged to a much younger man: “The relationship is inappropriate and poses risks to her. At best she makes it out with a bruised heart. At worst she marries the man and finds herself financially and emotionally ruined. What do I owe my friend?”

Highlights of Philip’s particularly mercurial response include:

I know you’re trying to look out for your friend.
But your question is loaded with ungenerous assumptions (and unfounded catastrophes)
Is this adult woman really such a fool that she needs you to navigate her love life?
If so, it’s a pity she hasn’t asked for your help. Until she does, I’d keep quiet.
Why not celebrate her joy for however long it lasts? Life is short.

Philip’s pointed response gave me pause…

Admittedly I’ve catastrophized and judged friends’ joy before. And I’ve experienced other people’s catastrophizing.

So why do we feel the need to protect people from their own journey by offering unsolicited advice?

Psychologists have determined that advice-giving can stem from:

genuine concern
desire to help
failure in empathy
neglect for diverse perspectives
assertion of dominance
arrogance
distrust

Ultimately, unsolicited advice feels like criticism, which threatens our autonomy. We hate being controlled and would prefer to make our own mistakes.

(Note: Unsolicited advice is different than useful, potentially life-saving or job-saving information. When we provide that information without advice, we protect someone’s freedom to choose what to do with the information. Ex: “There’s a tiger in the building.” vs. “You should leave the office because there’s a tiger roaming the halls.”)

So I’m committed to being vigilantly joyful instead of heedlessly judge-y. Unless someone specifically requests my advice, perspectives, ideas, mentoring, or help, I’m going to celebrate people’s joy and cheer them through their journey of learning.

[Flash] Are Questions Our Superpower?

Over the past month, I have:

gone to the wrong gate at the airport
disembarked a train at the wrong stop
driven to the wrong address for a hotel
and left my cell phone on top of the car as I drove onto the freeway

When I realized I had stopped paying attention, I knew it was time to go on vacation!

While my week away was refreshing, I did wonder… how had I become so scattered? So I did some research.

John Medina, author of the book Brain Rules, explains, “We are biologically incapable of processing attention-rich inputs simultaneously.” In other words, we cannot multitask – our brains can only focus on one idea at a time.

And then my research revealed a Focus Superpower: Questions!

Questions momentarily hijack our thought process. When our brain hears a question, it automatically triggers a mental reflex which contemplates the answer. And when that happens, the brain cannot think about anything else. It’s focused solely on the question.

So I practiced my Focus Superpower on vacation:

Why are there so many butterflies?
What is it like for people who live here year round?
When should I bike around the lake?

Just by asking myself a question, I forced myself to focus.

I also discovered that this Focus Superpower works on others – I can get anyone to momentarily focus by simply asking them a question (ex: What do you think of the butterflies?)

So now that I’m back in the real world, I’m exercising my Focus Superpower to be more purposeful:

Am I going to the right address?
What can I get done in the next hour?
Why am I putting my cell phone on top of the car?

It seems obvious and yet the implications of an intentional pause are profound.

What do you think?

[Flash] Does Change Happen To Us or For Us?

In the past 18 months, I lost three long-term team members. One died unexpectedly of a heart attack, and two left for different careers.

Each loss was deflating… why did this happen to me?

As I transitioned unknowingly through Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief (shock and denial, anger, despair, possibility, and acceptance), here’s what I discovered:

Change doesn’t just happen to us; Change happens for us.

Admittedly, I had become inattentive with my team, because everyone masterfully owned their own lane. The problem? No one entered anyone else’s lane.

I had failed to cross-functionally train myself and others. So when I lost these key people, chaos and uncertainty ensued.

Eventually I took responsibility:

I learned everyone’s job – I got into each lane!

I then eliminated the lanes – now, no one owns just one area

We started documenting all of our processes in job aides, quick guides, and videos

I launched a cross-training initiative, replete with shadowing and mentoring

And then I reinvented our structure: everyone on the team will know how to do any role to support a client and each other at any time.

The result? More connection, collaboration, and confidence within my team!

When change happens to us:

We become victims
We are at the mercy of circumstances
We feel disempowered
We get stuck, longing for how it used to be

When we allow change to happen for us:

We can reinvent
We learn and discover
We feel empowered
We aren’t stuck; we’re growing

People say they hate change. Perhaps we just need to embrace the opportunities that change offers us.

As John Lennon said, “Everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.”

[Flash] Think Like a Rider

When I exited the Baltimore train station, I requested an Uber. In less than a minute, Aaron my Uber driver arrived.

Me: “Wow! That was fast!”
Aaron: “I think like a Rider.”
Me: “Huh?”
Aaron: “If I want to be successful, I have to think like a Rider. I think about where my Riders will be and when they will be there. And that’s where I go: train stations, the airport, festivals on the weekend, and at night, the bars and casinos. I live in the country – nobody needs an Uber out there. And I can’t expect Riders to be where I am.”

Astutely Aaron considers what Riders care most about to determine his own actions. Riders want him to arrive quickly, know where he’s going, and get them there safely.

“Think like a Rider” is a powerful mantra for serving the success of others in any capacity:

Think like a customer
Think like a patient
Think like your end user
Think like an audience member
Think like your boss
Think like your employee
Think like your mentee

When we “think like a Rider,” we take actions based on our specific Rider’s needs and perspectives. For example, we “think like a Rider” when we simply communicate in another person’s time zone when it’s different than our own.

Questions are the gateway to thinking like a Rider:

What is most important to them?
Where are they coming from and where are they going?
What incentivizes them?
What might be distracting them?
What information do they require and in what format?
What do they need to be successful and how can I contribute?

Aaron revealed at one point, “I wish the technology folks at Uber would think more like a driver.”

Secretly we all crave experiences where someone else considers us first…