Search Results for: Not for me

I have a bad habit… I regularly interject my unsolicited advice, opinions, and ideas.

Why?
1. I love solving problems.
2. I thrive on helping people.
3. I increase my power in relationships.

But by offering uninvited (even though enormously valuable!) advice and opinions, I’m essentially communicating to someone, “I don’t trust your judgment in this situation.” Yikes! How could anyone not feel criticized when I do that?

And when people feel judged and criticized, they stop trusting and sharing…

So I’ve decided to start in the bleachers.

When someone shares with me an issue or a problem, I’m going to intentionally grab a seat in those proverbial bleachers and cheer – not the situation, but the person for their efforts.

I’m going to cheer from the bleachers like a fan instead of shriek from the sidelines like a coach they didn’t hire, or worse, muscle onto the court like a teammate they didn’t want.

Because here’s the reality… if someone is sharing with me, I can know for certain that they want me to listen, show empathy, and be supportive.

From there I’ll consider how else I could contribute in that moment. And then I’ll ask if they want me to leave the bleachers to stand on the sidelines or get onto the court with them:
• Would you benefit from my perspective or experience?
• Do you need some help fixing this or do you just want to vent?
• Could you use some fresh ideas, advice, or resources?

This reserves for the other person some power in the situation, which strengthens their trust and spurs them to continue sharing.

Understandably, some situations require us to jump onto the court without permission. But even then the bleachers are a great place to start, allowing us first to assess the situation.

Trust is built on cheers, not fears.

To escape the cold this winter, I moved my family to Charleston for a few months.

I didn’t realize how much I would miss having Casual Friends…

According to sociologist Mark Granovetter, we need low-stakes relationships or “Casual Friends” – our favorite barista, other dog owners, neighbors, people we see regularly at the gym or church.

A 2014 study concluded that we feel happier with more Casual Friends

• they contribute to our sense of belonging to a community
• they increase our satisfaction at work and in life

So how can we create more Casual Friends? With intentional banter!

Here’s the formula I’ve been experimenting with:

1. Ask a Question. People love giving answers – it makes them feel good about themselves. And it creates an instant connection.

2. Commiserate on a safe topic: weather, traffic, crowds, lines, noise. People bond over shared experiences.

3. Compliment something – it communicates respect and interest. People like people who like them.

Here’s how this worked recently in my fitness class:

• I asked the woman next to me a question about the instructor’s cue
• I then commiserated with her about the difficult workout
• And then I complimented her on how easy she makes it look

Next time I saw her in class, I smiled and waved at my new Casual Friend.

Will we be best friends? No. I have enough of those. I just want to feel more connected to people around me and enjoy the moments.

While I am tempted to simply hide in my cell phone pretending to be busy, that won’t cure my stranger-among-strangers feeling.

So I’m practicing the Intentional Banter formula:

• Question
• Commiserate
• Compliment
• Smile
• Wave
• Repeat

And I’ve noticed that with more Casual Friends, I feel less like an impostor. Instead, I feel like I belong… and serendipitously, it helps others feel the same!

My friends Connie and Mike are getting married in June (and I’m officiating the wedding!)

It’s a second marriage for both of them, and at our holiday gathering they declared, “We are burning the ships!”

”Burn the ships” is based on the legend of Hernán Cortés, an ambitious Spanish conquistador who arrived in Veracruz in 1519 determined to bring down the mighty Aztecs. He ordered his men to burn all of his ships, signaling his commitment to succeed or die trying – there would be no turning back! Two years later they successfully conquered the Aztec Empire.

It is the pinnacle of commitment when we “burn the ships!”

Like Cortes, my friends have signaled that quitting is not an option. They are determined to create a successful marriage or die trying.

We “burn the ships” when we elevate our commitment by removing any reliance on excuses or exit strategies.

It doesn’t mean we can’t change or improve a course of action, but when we are truly committed, giving up is not an option.

If you’re having a hard time committing to something, perhaps you still have “ships in the harbor” – an excuse, a rationalization, a justification.

But what makes it so hard to “burn the ships”?
• Fear of failure, judgment, criticism
• Perceived obligation or expectation
• Comfort
• Addiction

Naturally we cling to safety nets until we are no longer afraid. But this then leaves us half-committed, even paralyzed from taking action.

The question is… can we really be fully committed to success if there is always an out?

What ships are sitting in your harbor? What excuses do you need to let go of so you can move forward powerfully this year? Can you create a “burn the ships!” declaration like Connie and Mike?

Now I need to work this into their ceremony…

In my house growing up, my mom would invariably counter any hesitation with “What’s the worst that can happen?” She even employed this when I hesitated asking the cutest boy in class to the 8th grade Sadie Hawkins dance. (I did. He didn’t. But her nudge got me out of my head and into action!)

Her approach has since been backed by science…

In the 1980s, researchers discovered that our challenge with long-term goals is not willpower or motivation. Instead we are derailed by short-term, in-the-moment urges and deterrents!

• Staying in that cozy bed instead of getting up early to work out
• Eating a colleague’s homemade cookies instead of sticking to a diet
• Not flossing due to exhaustion after a late night at the office

Instantly a long-term goal of being healthy evaporates, and temptation wins! What starts with great intentions, falters in the face of one cookie or one warm, cozy bed.

NYC researcher Peter Gollwitzer tested a technique that could help evolve those greatly-intended resolutions into greatly-executed solutions: implementation intentions. Better known as an “if-then plan.”

Here’s how this self-regulatory strategy works: write down a goal, anticipate the obstacles (urges and deterrents), and create a concrete game plan to overcome them. Gollwitzer and his team devised the following template:

In other words, launch with a plan for the worst that could happen!

Example:

• Goal: exercise before work
• Obstacle/Temptation: sleeping in
• Strategy: arrange to meet a friend at the gym

Example:

• Goal: save more money
• Obstacle/Temptation: a ridiculous sale at a favorite shop
• Strategy: wait 24-hours before purchasing anything

Interestingly, Gollwitzer and his team discovered that the more difficult the goal, the better this strategy works.

So don’t just create Doomed New Year’s Resolutions. Create Intentional New Year’s Solutions!