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[Flash] Fervent Resolution is the Secret Sauce

I just moved home after 25 years. I grew up in St. Charles, IL, moved to San Francisco for an adventure and work, moved to New Jersey for marriage, and returned to St. Charles for my family (with my husband in tow!).

But this big move did not come without months of sifting through piles, purging, and packing.

During this arduous process, I discovered a few especially important things about myself:

I really hate throwing things away.Among other treasures, I found my PalmPilot, my loved-to-death BlackBerry, my Blockbuster membership card, offer letters from employers, interoffice memos I wrote for my first boss, and a stack of parking tickets (that cost me a small fortune).
I can easily get distracted by new shiny projects.In these piles, I also uncovered many incomplete projects – ideas I started and then abandoned for something alluring.
When I deeply (even audaciously) commit to something, I execute with maniacal intention.I unearthed memories from my bike ride across the country, the eight-city women’s conference I created, my book-writing journey, and the launch (and iterations) of my company. I was reminded of what I can accomplish when I’m not derailed by clutter, chaos, and self-criticism.

Taped to my 2003 appointment calendar (yes, I kept this too…), I found my favorite quote that underscores the power of fervent resolution:

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy,
the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is
one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills
countless ideas and splendid plans:

That the moment one definitely commits oneself,
then Providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one
that would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issue from the decision,
raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents
and meetings and material assistance,
which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

So I’ve taped this to the wall in my new home office… I’m ready for less grime, more grit, less chaos, more courage!

[Flash] The Power of Passion, Projects, and Peers

Last week we held Mid-Point Presentations in the Louisiana Action Coalition (LAC) Mentorship Program, a development program designed to prepare nurse managers to lead powerfully.

In the program, mentees create and execute projects that stretch and develop their leadership skills. During the mid-point, they report out to their peers their progress and learnings.

When we launched this year’s program, we were not engulfed in a pandemic. But soon thereafter, the world shut down.

Understandably, some participants were forced to withdraw from the program due to surge preparations at their hospital.

Others, however, persevered with the program despite being overwhelmed, overworked, and under-prepared for the unpredictability of this crisis.

Today they are in the heart of their journey, radically testing their leadership, already making a difference.

The secret?

Passion
Projects
Peers

Passion Projects: The nurse manager mentees are pursuing substantial projects borne out of their passion. Some examples:

Jenn is launching a peer alliance at her hospital to support front-line medical workers suffering from stress and PTSD.
Lyndi is improving the low morale in her Emergency Department resulting from virus safety concerns.
Denise is innovating her teaching strategies to ensure new nurse grads learn about group dynamics and collaboration before ever joining a unit.
Deborah is tackling courageous conversations to address racism and teen pregnancy.
Rachel is standardizing critical care skills.

Peers
Research shows that more than 70% of people who share their goals with their peers and provide regular updates, accomplish their goals. Conversely, when people keep their goals to themselves, only 35% are successful.

Knowing the power of peers, we designed the structure of the LAC Mentorship Program to ensure participants are regularly sharing their passion projects and their progress with their mentors and peers in the program.

This not only drives accountability; it ignites enthusiasm and inspires all the participants in the program (including the program leaders!).

Are you leveraging your passion, projects, and peers to catapult your own leadership?

[Flash] Change It or Choose It!

When I lived in San Francisco, I worked in the South Bay. I detested my daily commute: 45 minutes without traffic; 1.5-2 hours during rush hour.

Every morning I dreaded the drive and procrastinated rising. I was regularly late to work; I lacked energy to exercise; and I was gaining weight!

Something had to change. I needed to add a compelling force to my routine.

So, I took an indoor cycling certification class and agreed to teach the 6:00AM spin class at the YMCA near my office. Suddenly, I was eagerly waking up early, avoiding traffic, and exercising!

In every situation, we get to change it or choose it.

There will constantly be circumstances we cannot change: traffic, weather, other people. But we can always change our attitude, our aptitude, our assumptions, and our actions.

If we are unwilling or unable to change something, we must admit that we are choosing it, as it is. Otherwise, we fall powerless to it.

Naturally, change-it-or-choose-it triggers resistance. Change can be uncomfortable, complicated, or inconvenient, while choosing feels weak. So, we default to momentarily cathartic whining.

But like change, choice is powerful. It releases the grip of resistance and grievance. It bolsters the victor in us and ousts the victim.

As a boss or a mentor, we can guide others to change or choose:

Allow people to vent, without judgment or solutions
Confirm their commitment in the situation (ex: project success, delighted client, continued growth, positive relationships, emotional health, leadership opportunities)
Ask: What can you change about this situation?
Ask: What are you willing to choose?
Ask: What issue is not on either list?
Explore all issues until each becomes a change or a choice, clearing space to serve the commitment

When we’re staring at the lollipop we didn’t want, it’s easy to forget that we’re standing in the middle of a candy shop!

[Flash] Take What You Need. Leave the Rest (Advice on Giving Advice)

My courageous, adventurous stepson Jack is moving across the country to serve in AmeriCorps.

Preparing for our own move, my husband and I have been zealously decluttering and purging.

And as the pile of stuff to be donated mushrooms, I realized that Jack could use a lot of it – AmeriCorps pays a stipend and he’s never lived on his own.

My immediate instinct was to retrieve from the pile everything that I think Jack will need.

And then I recalled one of the key strategies to giving someone advice: grant them permission to take what they need and leave the rest.

My pile of hand-me-down housewares is like sage advice: earned, enjoyed, and worthwhile… from my perspective, not necessarily from Jack’s.

Giving advice, while grounded on altruism, risks being received as judgment and criticism.

But when we offer advice like an option, we allow the advice receiver the power to choose or reject our advice, and we acknowledge that they might need to take a different path than ours.

So instead of handing him things, I offered Jack the opportunity to sort through the pile before I headed to Goodwill. I said, “When I moved out on my own, I was grateful for anything I didn’t have to spend money on. Take what you need and leave the rest.” And then I walked away.

As soon as I let go of the need to impose my advice (my hand-me-down housewares) on Jack, I could focus on conveying a more important message: he’s in charge of his own success.

Whether we are offering advice as a leader, a mentor, or a parent, we can make a bigger difference if we remember that people may or may not benefit from our advice. But they’ll always appreciate our confidence in their ability to choose their own path.

Take what you need. Leave the rest.

[Flash] You Are Only As Good As You Are On Your Own

The new superhero, action-thriller The Old Guard shares the story of a covert team of immortal mercenaries led by Charlize Theron who mentors the new team member played by Kiki Layne.

In separate promotional interviews for the movie, Charlize and Kiki each reflected on their own mentor-mentee experience in making the film:

Kiki: Being able to watch Charlize, her confidence, and her knowledge was super inspiring! Charlize knows what she wants and she’s not going to sacrifice her integrity in the process. I learned from her that I don’t have to give up who I am to get where I want to go.

Charlize: Kiki was inspiring to be around! It’s a misconception that the one with the experience and age brings everything to the table. We trained together, and every day Kiki would show up, all in. It made me want to show up all in. We pushed each other.

As demonstrated by Charlize and Kiki, we watch each other’s actions and behaviors to shape and mold our own, regardless of who is the mentor or mentee. In behavioral science, this is called “social cognitive theory.”

It’s a powerful influence – we are constantly taking cues from each other.

Whether we are the boss, colleague, mentor, or mentee, we mentor each other through our actions, even inadvertently.

While this superpower is currently challenged by our socially-distanced, remote reality, we can unleash it through simple, intentionally-created interactions:

Use video conferencing, not just the phone
Turn on your video camera and invite people into your world
Use email, phone, and texts to communicate, “I was thinking of you…”
Invite others to observe/contribute to a meeting or presentation
Connect people to advocate their mutual interests
Create small work groups to collaborate on projects
Voice your support for an initiative, a program, a person

Charlize concluded with sage advice: “You are only as good as you are on your own. Then it’s the partner you have and where they take you.”

It’s time to purposefully create more partnerships!

[Flash] Prevent Loneliness… Make the First Move!

In a scene from the feel-good, buddy-drama, The Green Book, Dr. Don Shirley was explaining to Tony Vallelonga why he is no longer in communication with his family. Tony bluntly and insightfully responded, “You should get in touch. The world is full of lonely people waiting to make the first move.”

I admit, I’ve engaged in similar behavior – I once purposefully did not call a friend. Frankly, I cannot remember if we had an altercation, but I do recall righteously feeling that she needed to call me.

Nevertheless, after a while I missed her, so I reached out. We instantly rekindled our friendship.

Why do we periodically wait for a friend, a boss, a colleague, or a mentoring partner to make the first move?

Because we project onto other people our own (uncommunicated) expectations or assumptions:

We expect our boss to ask us about the project we’ve been driving. Our boss is frustrated that we haven’t sent an update.
We expect our mentor to reach out with sage advice. Our mentor feels like he’s not needed since we never called.
We expect a colleague to schedule our monthly lunch together. That colleague is upset that we haven’t reached out to congratulate her on her promotion.
We expect a sibling to call for the holidays, but that sibling assumes that we’ll be calling, so he waits.

Even before the pandemic, loneliness and isolation were rampant, causing disruptive consequences and costing businesses billions of dollars:

22% of new hires leave in the first 45 days due to feeling disconnected
Cost of losing a new hire in the first year: approximately 3x salary
Simply by ensuring that a mentor connects promptly and directly with a new hire, loneliness decreases and retention increases.

People are pivoting, now more than ever: new to role, new to skill, new to leadership, new to working at home. And with new, comes fear and isolation.

As a boss, a mentor, a colleague, or a friend, it’s imperative that we make the first move before loneliness sets in – ours and theirs.

And it’s as simple as starting with, “I’ve been thinking about you…”

[Flash] Stop Trying to Control the World – Just Understand It

I saw a meme recently that mocked, “So in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to: ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’”

In view of the pandemic, this joke is amusing. But it also underscores the absurdity of that question by highlighting two dominating assumptions: control and certainty.

A team of researchers published a study on the remarkable relationship between uncertainty and stress, reporting that uncertainty is even more stressful than knowing something bad is definitely going to happen. (https://doi.org/10.1038/ncomms10996)

We fear uncertainty. And consequently, we value control. More than any other ability, we greatly admire it in others and applaud it in ourselves.

Historian and author Yuval Noah Harari wrote, “We spend far more time and effort on trying to control the world than on trying to understand it…

“… and even when we try to understand it, we usually do so in the hope that understanding the world will make it easier to control it.”

But control is not the solution to quell our fear of uncertainty. Studies show that the odds of us facing adversity are not 50%, but 100%. It’s inevitable.

The only real certainty is uncertainty.

Thus, our options:

Surrender: breeds stress, fear, despondency
Adapt to change: be flexible, manage emotions, choose to respond, not react
Seek understanding: reflect, explore, examine, connect, seek diverse perspectives

Understanding begets empathy and compassion for ourselves and others. It kindles our commitment to resiliency. It strengthens trust. In life, at work, and in relationships, it is our superpower.

Let’s stop clearing paths for people, fueling a fictional world of certainty and control.

Instead, let’s prepare people to embrace uncertainty by working on understanding each other and the world, instead of trying to control it. That’s our responsibility as leaders, parents, and mentors.

[Flash] Distracted by Pandemic Potholes? Beware of Target Fixation!

I had high expectations for 2020. I was going to:

officiate my first wedding… cancelled!
vacation with my mom… cancelled!
attend the AONL Conference in Nashville… cancelled!
bike the NYC Five Boro Bike Tour… cancelled!
speak at 15 different conferences… cancelled!
throw myself a surprise birthday party… cancelled!

Like everyone else, I now have a long, growing list of things I’m not doing this year.

But my fixation on this list became a personal and professional hazard.

Bicyclists and motorcyclists call this Target Fixation – a common cause of crashes.

Target Fixation is a phenomenon where our brain focuses intently on an obstacle in front of us and ignores alternative, even obvious paths. It’s predominant in stressful situations.

Cyclists fear broken glass, rumble strips, and potholes. But staring at these obstacles we want to avoid inadvertently increases the likelihood that we’ll ride right into them.

Why? Because our wheel goes wherever we fixate our attention. We aim where we focus.

The solution? Cyclists (like me!) are taught to notice the pothole, but then re-focus on the road around the pothole.

Nevertheless, when challenged by a pandemic riddled with obstacles, I suddenly found myself trapped by Target Fixation – distracted by the obstacles: social distancing, masks, disinfectants, cancelled plans! Suddenly, I was stuck in the valley of despair! Resilience resistant.

To get unstuck, I had to intentionally shift my focus to the path around the pandemic potholes. How? By creating fresh solutions and interesting projects:

I’m delivering a new webinar called “Crisis Mentoring” (details below)
I’m launching Virtual Think Tanks for our clients to mentor each other
I’m speaking at virtual conferences
I’m writing a proposal for my next book
I’m inhaling episodes of Schitt’s Creek instead of the news
I’m learning to juggle

Stare at the road you want to ride on, not the road you want to avoid. Literally and figuratively.