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[Flash] How a Botched Pie Increased our Emotional Intelligence

To compensate for her thwarted Thanksgiving plans this year, my sister declared that we were going to make pies.

We’ve never baked a pie that didn’t come out of a box, so we were all a bit surprised by her invitation but ready for a new tradition.

I pulled some recipes off the Internet, bought the ingredients, and found my mom, sister, and niece in the kitchen.

My job was to call out the ingredients while they measured, combined, whisked, stirred, beat, and poured.

When we got the pies into the oven, we began to clean up. And that’s when I noticed two eggs still on the counter.

“uhhhhh… Why are those eggs on the counter and not in the pie in the oven?“

Everyone stopped, gaped at the eggs, cursed, and then started laughing.

Not surprisingly, the pie without the eggs was terrible. But we laughed all weekend about the pie-wreck.

Apparently, all that laughing also worked on our EQ! We made it through the holiday without a single fight or altercation.

According to research by Janet Gibson, a psychologist specializing in humor, laughter is a powerful tool that boosts emotional intelligence.

She writes that laughter forces our cognitive and social skills to work together to monitor others’ perspectives and emotions and discern when and why laughter occurs during conversations.

So, not only does a good laugh ease our anxiety, but it also trains our brain for awareness and empathy.

Undoubtedly this improves relationships.

And that’s exactly what happened when we laughed about the forgotten eggs.

Instantly the pressure to make perfect pies evaporated. Our super high expectations of each other and the holiday suddenly disappeared. Instead, we discovered patience and understanding… and a funny story!

All because we deliberately sought out the humor in, instead of the heartache from, a botched pie.

[Flash] 8 Fingertip Phrases to Fuel Generosity

This year has tested us emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. So, the idea of being more generous can feel preposterous.

And yet, research shows that generosity reduces stress, improves our physical health, boosts our sense of purpose, fights depression, bolsters our relationships, and makes us feel better about ourselves.

But we don’t need money to be generous. We need emotional intelligence. We need empathy. We need kindness. Essentials for all mentors, leaders, friends, and parents.

Here are 8 fingertip phrases that will help us be more generous in moments:

1. What happened?
When people miss our expectations, we often jump to conclusions armed with our assumptions. Instead, give people the benefit of the doubt and presume “no bad intent.” We’re all starved for this kind of benevolence.

2. I’ve been thinking about you.
People are lonely. Even when they’re on a zillion Zoom calls and connected to thousands of “friends” on Facebook, they feel isolated, wondering if anyone cares. When people experience loneliness and fear, meet them with kindness and generosity.

3. You’re fabulous!
Notice progress, strengths, and contributions. Let go of perfection (theirs and yours!). We’re all so busy battling our critical inner voice, our self-confidence struggles. Undoubtedly, people always appreciate being appreciated.

4. Interesting, tell me more.
Especially useful when you disagree with a point of view shared about politics or religion. You don’t have to change your mind, but neither do they. Simply be fascinated by someone’s different perspective.

5. How can I help?
“Do you need help?” typically generates a reflexive, “No.” Instead, ask, “How can I help?” or “What can I do for you?” to communicate compassion for their situation and to signal your intention to contribute.

6. I understand.
Helping people feel heard can quickly disarm their defenses. (And it doesn’t mean you have to agree with them!)

7. We’ll figure it out.
Nothing ever goes as planned (as evidenced by 2020). Convey your confidence in someone’s ability to be resilient without pressure.

8. I appreciate… I’m grateful… It’s a joy to work with you…
Let’s invigorate the obligatory “thank you!” When we add context, share the impact, and experiment with new words, people pause to receive the appreciation. “I’m grateful for your mentorship. I appreciate your wisdom. Our conversations make me think differently.”

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To all my readers, I’m grateful for our weekly connections. You inspire me with your commitment to making a difference in your roles as boss, mentor, peer, and human being!

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!

[Flash] Stories Risk Stalling Us; Insights Propel Our Progress

When I lived in San Francisco, I bought a stick shift car that I did not know how to drive. To learn, I practiced at 2:00 am on the steep hills of San Francisco – starting, stopping, and parking (without burning the clutch) until I finally got it.

That was 20 years ago, and I don’t live in San Francisco or own that car anymore. But I love telling that brazen story to anyone who hasn’t heard it!

It’s easy to share our own stories because we experienced them.

More importantly, stories serve our connections. We bond over sagas; we engage and entertain through storytelling; we reveal ourselves through stories.

But stories can also distract us. We tell the tale to a friend; they oooh and ahhhh or awww or ewww; and then we find a different friend and repeat the anecdote, eager for their reaction.

What’s missing is the insight – our observations, perceptions, and discernment of the situation.

To add insight to a story, we must consider what we learned, discovered, or will be doing next because of that experience.

> Insights propel our progress.
> Insights inspire movement.
> Insights demand growth.

If we can articulate an insight, we have wisdom and can take action. If we only have a story, we’re forever looking for a new audience.

My insight from my San Francisco story? Because I was steadfastly committed to learning something new, I exchanged my fears with perseverance and ingenuity.

As leaders and mentors, people love to regale us with their heroic or tragic stories. And we want them to feel safe doing so. But to help people progress from storytelling into action, ask about their insights – what did they discover about themselves or the situation?

While stories are valuable for connecting, the real journey begins when we identify the insights that propel our progress.

[Flash] Are You Focusing on Fonts (or Sweating for Strategy)?

Lately, I’ve noticed an obsession with fonts.

Many of our clients who utilize our mentoring platform have been requesting recently darker fonts, newer fonts, larger fonts, and different colored fonts.

And after the fonts, they become transfixed by logos, line spacing, even the opacity of icons.

To be clear, I’m more than delighted to make any changes our clients desire. I want them to beam with pride when they invite participants to join their mentoring program using our platform.

But I have witnessed a disproportionate number of font change requests by clients who need to be engrossed in their program’s strategy, success measures, and participant expectations instead.

In fact, one of my font-enthralled clients is currently struggling to attract mentors and launch their program.

But it’s not just my clients. We all get thwarted at times by trifling matters. It’s the pull of procrastination…

So why do we get distracted by fonts?

Because as human beings, we are desperate to feel a sense of control (especially in a year that has demonstrated, even reveled in, how little control we have over our lives!).

From an evolutionary perspective, with control comes an increased chance of survival: more control, less risk.

Over the past two decades, I’ve observed that many people charged with the execution of a mentoring program typically cannot (or perhaps will not) make decisions on strategy, success measures, or participant expectations without stakeholder approval.

But I’ve never heard a client say they need stakeholder approval on a font.

Understandably, they seize the font choice as an easy, low-risk way to control something, anything!

Yet when my leaders remember that they can leverage their mentoring programs to onboard powerfully, decrease attrition, support career pivots and leadership transitions, and drive succession, they quickly abandon their fascination with fonts.

When you feel the stress of chaos and the lure of the font, try keeping the spotlight on the strategy instead.

[Flash] If Leadership Was Easy, Everyone Would Do It

As I was preparing to deliver my “Manage AND Lead” workshop this week, my Mentee challenged, “Why do you think so many people talk about leadership?” I responded, “If leadership was easy, everyone would do it. The world is congested with leadership training because very few people are actually leading.”

Here’s the issue. People intellectually grasp leadership concepts, but they execute their jobs with a manager mindset.

People are greatly-intended creatures. They sincerely want to develop, guide, mentor, and recognize others. Most participants register for leadership programs out of their deep desire and spirited passion to make a difference for the people on their teams.

But then their boss calls screaming, “I need that report ASAP!” …and all worthwhile intentions vaporize! They scramble to send out an urgent message to their people, demanding to know the status of the report!

The stark reality is that we don’t get paid to develop, guide, mentor, or recognize people. We don’t get paid to motivate, encourage, or celebrate people. We don’t get paid to bring joy, passion, or enthusiasm to our role. We don’t get paid to inspire others and draw out their full potential. We don’t get paid to lead.

We. Do. Not. Get. Paid. To. Lead.

We get paid to Manage. We get paid to manage stuff: deadlines, budgets, projects, reports, meetings, calendars, and conflict.

And because of these opposing forces, the Leadership Journey is not easy.

And we don’t make it any easier. By ignoring the managing vs. leading struggle that undermines all great intentions to contribute to others, we guarantee leadership frustrations and even failure. We have designed the system to ensure the survival of the Bad Boss.

If it was easy, everyone would do it, and we wouldn’t need to talk about it so much.

We get paid to Manage. We get the privilege to Lead.

[Flash] I Hate Surprises (and If You’re a Leader, You Should Too)

Last week was my birthday, and I planned my own dinner party with my family. I chose the people, the food, and the activity. I even picked out my own gift (much to my husband’s relief!).

And because there were no surprises, I wasn’t stressed, frustrated, or disappointed. Instead, I enjoyed the anticipation beforehand, and I was fully present, engaged, and delighted throughout!

I hate surprises.

And if you’re a leader of anything, you should hate surprises too.

Surprises happen when we:

stop paying attention
fail to communicate expectations

Typically, we get derailed by something urgent. We dive into the weeds, ignoring important indicators about our people, projects, or problems. And then we fail to clarify or confirm expectations.

The result? Surprise! … which causes confusion, distraction, upset, and even chaos. And missed opportunities to lead and unlock potential.

And it’s all unnecessary.

When you’re the leader of a program, a project, or a team, you should never be surprised. After you communicate your expectations, you should be looking for signals, asking for status, checking on progress, inviting questions, and measuring success.

Strong sales leaders never wait until the end of the quarter to discover their team’s results. Rather, they leverage weekly reports and team updates.

Even pilots are in ongoing contact with air traffic control to ensure their plane is on track to their destination.

So when I met up with Marcel last year, I was bewildered by his whim for surprise! He was headed to the closing celebration for the mentoring program he launched. He said, “I’m so excited! I cannot wait to hear how it went for my Mentors and Mentees!”

Leaders should never get to the end of a program, a project, or a quarter and wonder how it went.

Because we can’t course-correct if there is no longer a course.

Hate surprises. Love expectations.

[Flash] Missed Expectations are the Greatest Threat to Your People’s Success

In 1993, Chinese Northern Airlines Flight 6901 was en route from Beijing to Xinjiang. The Chinese pilots were flying a U.S.-built McDonnell Douglas MD-82 airliner and attempting to land in dense fog.

Suddenly an alarm went off in the cockpit warning the pilots of their dangerous proximity to the ground. But the pilots were baffled by the alarm and the accompanying warning. One crew member asked another in Chinese, “What does ‘pull up’ mean?” Moments later, the plane crashed. The McDonnell Douglas engineers and the pilots had each made grave assumptions.

Assumptions Breed Missed Expectations

Whether you lead a mentoring program, a project team, or a business, missed expectations are the greatest threat to your people’s success.

Following any communication, we all establish expectations. Typically, these are implied and result in assumptions.

For example, you and I decide that our project necessitates regular updates. I assume the word “regular” means you want a weekly update; you assume you are going to receive a daily update from me. When I update you on Friday, you’re upset that you haven’t heard from me in five days, while I’m proud of myself for getting you a project update on time.

That’s a missed expectation.

It is the cause of every frustration, conflict, and altercation, personally and professionally. It breeds distrust and negativity in your program, on your team, and in your culture. If unaddressed or ignored, feelings fester, resulting in anger, disengagement, even attrition.

And it can be entirely prevented.

How? By assuming from the outset that there are assumptions. By being curious about those assumptions. By taking actions to confirm or negate those assumptions.

And here’s why setting expectations is so crucial in any program, on any team, in any relationship…

By working on the commitments and clarifying the outcomes, you are setting up the other person for success. You are making their experience your priority.

Some words to try:

Let’s clarify our expectations…
Let’s review and summarize our commitments…
To make sure I understand…
For context…
What time zone exactly?
To check myself, let me know what you heard…

Kill the phrase, “Does that make sense?” because it assumes an outcome – the outcome in which I agree that you made complete sense. But it doesn’t leave any space to examine where our expectations might be discordant.

If we are determined to avoid the malignancy of missed expectations, then we must stay fiercely vigilant and relentlessly committed. Assumptions abound!

[Flash] We Don’t Convince People. People Convince Themselves.

I grew up on a tiny farm where we raised some pigs, a few horses, several cows, and a flock of chickens. Unlike most farmers, we named our animals (ex: Miss Piggy and Boss Hog), and then we ate them.

Today I am a vegetarian.

I remember some obnoxious guy once tried to convince me to be a vegetarian. With each argument he made, I dug in and ardently embraced my carnivorism.

Years later I worked on a project with one of my favorite clients, Jennifer – she is interesting, benevolent, unflappable, and athletic. After a meeting, we were chatting about our families. She mentioned offhandedly that because she had been a vegetarian her whole life, she typically prepares two meals every night – one for her herself and one for her husband and son.

I was intrigued – I didn’t know any vegetarians other than Mr. Obnoxious. In the weeks following my conversation with Jennifer, I researched, ruminated, reflected, and resolved to experiment. That was nine years ago, and I haven’t eaten meat since.

No one convinced me with their arguments or reasoning. And frankly no amount of debating, disputing, or disgracing would have convinced me to attempt any type of diet – vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, Keto, Atkins, etc.

In fact, research shows that people resist ideas that are handed to them. They prefer ideas they feel they came up with themselves. Exactly! I adopted it because I felt like I came up with it myself!

We don’t convince people. People convince themselves.

All we can do is influence people. How?
Through…

our actions
our integrity
our veracity
our empathy
our curiosity
our commitments
our choices

Not through:

our anger
our threats
our bullying
our judgment
our criticism
our righteousness
our piousness

As bosses, mentors, and parents, we cannot convince our people to be happy, enthused, motivated, driven, kind, compassionate, or generous.

All we can do is constantly demonstrate these behaviors and trust that they’re watching.

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi