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[Flash] Dip Dig and Dive

I met one of my favorite people on a weeklong charity bike ride down the coast of California. Elaine and I had each signed up for the adventure, not knowing each other or anyone else. On Day 1, just south of San Francisco, we serendipitously met cycling through a neighborhood, and we didn’t stop talking until we made it to LA on Day 7.

But it wasn’t my prolific conversation skills that bonded us so quickly – it was all Elaine.

Elaine is masterful at the Dip-Dig-Dive. She dips into a conversation, digs deeper for understanding, and then dives in to learn about a person’s experience.

Harvard affirmed Elaine’s approach in a 2017 study that concluded we could increase our likeability by asking a question and at least two follow-up questions.

Asking a question is easy. People dip into conversations constantly: “How are you?” “What’s new?” “What do you do?”

But due to low confidence, high ego, or poor attention skills, most people quickly shift the topic to themselves or something else.

People seldom dig deeper to understand. And they hardly ever dive in to fully grasp and appreciate another person’s perspectives and experiences.

But it’s impossible to be a meaningful mentor, a better boss, or a full friend if we lack curiosity, understanding, and appreciation.

Dip-Dig-Dive requires intentionality – we must deliberately help other people talk about themselves and then actively (and authentically!) listen to respond and engage.

Naturally, this approach expands our awareness and empathy.

And when we lean into Dip-Dig-Dive, we validate the other person, helping them feel good about themselves, which trips their brain’s dopamine. Inevitably, they attribute feeling significant to our genuine desire to know them.

While it’s tempting to cite the “you-had-me-at-hello” feeling, notice how this practice creates chemistry and accelerates trust with others.

When you’re establishing new relationships as a learning buddy, a mentoring partner, or a leader, use Dip-Dig-Dive to slow down the conversation and speed up the connection.

[Flash] Beware of the Lulu Delusion

When my niece Lulu was 6, her 1st-grade teacher asked, “Lulu, I’m looking for a leader in class. Can you be a leader?“

Lulu came home and frustratingly announced, “Mrs. Davis said she wants me to be a leader, but she does all the talking! How am I supposed to lead if she never stops talking?!”

This is the Lulu Delusion – we think leading is about talking.

But we lead best when we aren’t just talking. Instead, we are:

listening and empathizing
inquiring, discovering, and learning from others
mentoring and serving as a role-model
recognizing, appreciating, and applauding
owning our mistakes and apologizing
helping others be successful
connecting and collaborating for solutions

Lulu is right. People talk too much.

But what Lulu doesn’t get yet is that being asked to be “the leader” is just the beginning of the leadership journey, not the end.

[Flash] Strategy Moves Missions; Tactics Push Projects

I’ve had two types of conversations lately with hospital leaders.

One sounded like this:
“We are losing nurses. They aren’t connecting or engaging. They don’t feel like they belong. And it is costing this hospital hundreds of thousands of dollars every year to replace them. For us, mentoring is not a noble cause; it’s a business imperative.”

The other sounded like this:
“I don’t know… how will we export participant information from our HR system? Should we use this logo or that logo? Should we use this color? Should the font be larger or smaller?”

The first conversation is strategic, while the second is tactical. But only the first will save nurses.

Of course, we cannot eliminate the tactical approach. We rely on tactics to execute and manage strategy. But we always lead with strategy.

Strategic thinking…

solves organizational problems
is a valued leadership trait
ensures big picture, significant-impact decision-making
requires courage to recommend actions without guarantees

Whereas tactical thinking…

drives organizational projects
often exaggerates the importance of minutia
can easily disrupt, distract, and derail the goal
is our knee-jerk, low risk, default

When one group of hospital leaders dove headfirst into the details, I moved the conversation back to the mission with just a few strategic questions:

What does success look like for you?
What does it look like in three years?
What could impact the outcome in a negative way?
What will be the early signs of success or failure?
What broad goals of the hospital will the outcomes support?

Initially, I got swept up in the tactical conversation with the leaders! Exploring methods, procedures, and details is always easier to navigate than crafting a thoughtful (yet uncertain) plan to achieve mission-critical goals and priorities.

But ultimately the strategic shift made a bigger difference for them.

Strategy moves missions. Tactics push projects.

[Flash] When Competence Exceeds Confidence

I love watching American Idol. I enjoy the discovery of hidden talent, the unabashed passion, and the show’s fast pace.

And I’m constantly inspired by people’s pursuit of dreams in the face of steep competition, enormous vulnerability, and inevitable criticism.

This year, however, I’m struck by how many contestants are openly grappling with feelings of inadequacy.

I was similarly astonished during the recent launch of our Circle of Excellence mentoring program. Each leader courageously confessed their need for greater leadership self-confidence.

And then it hit me… I share their struggle!

Each week, I commit to writing this article. And each week, I worry that it won’t be as insightful, pithy, or entertaining as previous articles. I agonize over my shortage of clever ideas. I procrastinate. I question my skills.

Playing armchair psychologist, we could diagnose these internal battles as “imposter syndrome” – the pervasive feeling of self-doubt, insecurity, and incompetence despite evident skill and success.” (American Psychology Association)

The internalized fears generate thoughts like:

“I’m not good enough.”
“I’ve just been lucky.”
“I don’t have what it takes to accomplish this.”
“When are they going to discover that I am a fraud?” (Tom Hanks)
“Why me? Why not this other person?” (Awkwafina)
“I still feel sometimes like a loser kid in high school.” (Lady Gaga)

Competence exceeds confidence. We’re better than we think we are.

But the antidote is not a shift to confidence over competence – that’s insufferable arrogance!

The solution? A shift to commitment over feelings. Purpose over precision.

When the importance and meaning of a commitment serve as our beacon, we prioritize growth and progress, not perfection. Only then can our self-belief flourish.

We can bear witness to this journey on American Idol. When contestants allow their commitment to their dream to overshadow their feelings of inadequacy, they grow and progress rapidly and demonstrably. Suddenly, this purposeful refocus enables their self-belief to rise like a phoenix from the ashes.

[Flash] Hope Beats Optimism

On my third-grade report card, Mrs. Courtier typed “Enthusiastic” and “Optimistic.” My parents immediately pointed out these words, beamed with pride, and lavished me with praise.

I learned early that these were coveted qualities. Not surprisingly, I’ve been enthusiastic and optimistic my entire life.

As psychologist Charles Carver describes my fellow optimists and me, we expect good things will happen in the future.

But while optimism yields positivity, hope yields power.

According to author Charles R. Snyder (The Psychology of Hope), hope is:

the tendency to see desired goals as possible
the belief that we have the ability to achieve the goals
the focus on creating pathways to achieve those goals

In other words, hope ignites plans and actions to achieve our desires.

Yikes. Suddenly, optimism feels rather passive, like an entitled bystander. And hope feels exceptionally active, like an engaged player!

When I reflect on past goals I’ve accomplished, hope beats optimism every time:

It wasn’t optimism that made me study all night for the CPA and Bar exams. It was hope.
It wasn’t optimism that made me win each of my jobs and career changes. It was hope.
It wasn’t optimism that made me cycle in 20 degrees training for my cross-country bike ride. It was hope.

When we hope, we perceive possibility, even through adversity and uncertainty. And when we perceive possibility, we persist. Persistence demands action, not positivity.

Want to be more resilient? Start with hope.
Want to be a better boss? Start with hope.
Want to be a meaningful mentor and a magnificent mentee? Start with hope.

While positivity is undoubtedly preferred over its opposite, it’s hope that breeds action, progress, and growth.

There’s no need to abandon our optimism and enthusiasm provided we intentionally lean into hope when we want to accomplish anything significant in our life.

Start with hope!

[Flash] Big-Picture Leadership (thanks Thasunda Brown Duckett!)

Leaders often grumble that their people are not making big-picture decisions.

Understandable. Research shows that people make the most efficient decisions when looking at the big picture.

But the brain doesn’t distinguish between big picture and small picture.

It is busy processing the influx of daily data to predict what might happen next and then prepare the body accordingly to keep it alive and well. Safety is a top priority.

Not surprisingly, big-picture decisions are easier when the brain feels safe, ready to wade into unpredictable territory, like contemplating greater impact.

Researchers have noted that safety occurs when people experience psychological distance, for example, exploring a situation from the perspective of a future timeframe or a hypothetical. And in theory, that does sound safe and even amusing.

Practically speaking, however, people often operate in chaos without the luxury of future timeframes and concocted hypotheticals.

But there’s an uplifting alternative: connection.

In an interview with The New York Times, banking executive Thasunda Brown Duckett shared this story.

When Thasunda was named CEO of Chase Auto Finance at JP Morgan, she headed straight to the mailroom.

She said, “Keep doing your job with excellence. If you don’t put that payment in the right chute, and it accidentally goes to mortgage, then the customer doesn’t post on time, they’re upset, and they end up closing their account with us.

“You start this entire process. So, when you hear me talk about our customer experience having improved, brush your shoulders off.” In other words, be proud.

They must have been standing tall when they responded, “You know we got you.”

Thasunda connected the actions of the mailroom employees with Chase’s commitment to customer experience. She didn’t just implore this team to “think big picture!” She figuratively drew a line for them between their job of sorting mail and the satisfaction of Chase customers.

She not only created safety; she created importance. She emboldened the mailroom employees to feel the significance of their seemingly small actions.

That’s big-picture leadership.

[Flash] Get Stronger by Getting Stronger (thanks Tunde!)

Not surprisingly, “resilience” has been a hot webinar topic this past year.

Naturally, people clamor for strategies to survive their hardships and alleviate their frustrations. And the adversity of the pandemic merely exacerbated the conversation.

But resilience is not about survival. Resilience happens when we transform through a situation, not when we endure or avoid it.

Resilience is indifferent to circumstances and distress: it cares only about your next move.

One of my favorite Peloton instructors, Tunde Oyeneyin, announced during a workout yesterday, “The pain you feel right now will show up as strength tomorrow.”

And Buddha taught, “Life is suffering.”

Although they sound despondent, these pronouncements teem with potential! For it’s impossible to stretch, strengthen, and sprout when life is effortless. (How much growth have you experienced on vacation basking in the sun, reading a trashy novel, drinking a margarita by the pool?)

Understandably, great bosses and meaningful mentors are careful not to save their people from suffering. Instead, they intentionally challenge people to explore and progress. Because that’s how muscles grow; that’s how confidence blossoms; that’s how leaders emerge.

Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius wrote, “When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly.” (and that was centuries before social media!)

Again, potential disguised as despair.

Mean people offer us exceptional moments to improve our discernment, our emotional intelligence, our patience, our empathy, our humanity, and our power to be decent in the face of indecency.

Nasty people like nasty circumstances are inevitable.

Instead of trying to temper the dreadful, eagerly embrace the opportunity to augment your skills and grow forward!

You’re going to be a bigger, better, bolder version of yourself… because you evolved through it instead of escaped from it.

Tunde also likes to tease, “You get stronger by getting stronger.”

That’s resilience.

[Flash] Don’t Just Be Happy. Be Useful.

I drafted a midpoint survey for a mentoring program and included this question: “Have you accomplished your goal?”

While reviewing the survey, the program leader asked, “What if they don’t have a goal?”

I replied, “Then, they wouldn’t be in the mentoring program.”

People don’t join mentoring programs because they’re bored or need new friends. They join because they have a goal, an intention, something to accomplish:

strengthening skills
improving leadership
up-leveling impact
closing knowledge gaps
preparing for a transition
expanding connections
contributing wisdom

Goals give direction and meaning to a mentoring partnership, without which many pairs flounder and even fizzle.

But articulating any of these intentions in a specific, measurable, actionable goal is a visible struggle.

Participants become challenged not by time but by clarity in purpose. They question why they are working together and how they can make a difference.

Essentially, they grapple with putting their ambition on a mission.

As a last resort, some Mentees lean on a project their boss assigned; others lean into an aspiration, like “I want to be happier.” Both courses are tenable, but they often lack the passion and mettle that mentoring deserves.

In the end, I’ve observed that people just want to be useful.

Mentors want to contribute wisdom and influence success
Mentees want to become more effective and valuable
Leaders want to make an impact with their people and in their organization
Employees want their work to matter

Let’s curtail the paralyzing pressure of capturing intention in a perfectly articulated, beautifully written goal. And instead, let’s simply explore how we can be more useful to each other in these mentoring programs, at work, and in the world.

The purpose of life is not to be happy but to be useful. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue. ~ Viktor E. Frankl