Search Results for: Not for me

hmmm… I thought everyone was busy “celebrating failures.”

Professor Lauren Eskreis-Winkler explains, “We don’t like to focus on our failures – even if there’s value in doing so – because it makes us feel bad about ourselves.”

So what?

Researchers noted that because failure is ego-threatening, people aren’t celebrating it; they’re avoiding it. They’re neglecting that which could help them grow!

Here’s what the researchers concluded:

• Failure is a gateway to judgment and criticism
• Failure compromises our motivation to learn
• Failure lowers our confidence
• Failure causes us to tune out

As a result of the potential judgment, demotivation, undermined self-esteem, and stupor, we stop paying attention to anything that is not successful.

And paying attention is a prerequisite to learning! It’s impossible to learn from an experience and glean information about what caused our failure if we refuse to acknowledge and explore it.

And society isn’t helping:

• Schools promote perseverance, tenacity, and grit
• Social media applauds victory, triumph, and achievement
• Resumes highlight career successes
• Performance reviews advance accomplishments

After reading this report, I asked a friend to name some of her failures. She couldn’t think of any, even though she had been fired from a job and gotten divorced.

But then I asked her, “What about your mistakes? Have any of those?” “Definitely!” she laughed, and then we exchanged stories of our favorite mistakes.

Interestingly, in this conversation…

• “Failure” felt like an indictment of character, whereas “mistake” was simply a wrong turn.
• Failure was a label; mistake was an action.
• Failure was fixed; mistake was fixable.

So, what can we do about this? How can we grow despite our contempt for failure?

• Furlough the word “failure”
• Experiment with reframing words, like “life lesson,” “practice,” “experience,” “learning opportunity,” “growth moment,” “blunder,” “gaffe,” and “user error”
• Keep asking, “What have I learned?”
• Seek insights, not culprits
• Look to others and learn from their mistakes (it’s less ego-threatening)
• Engage a mentor and reverse-engineer results (not successes, not failures, just results)

We don’t need to celebrate or pay homage to failure; we just need to welcome the growth on the other side.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

There’s nothing wrong with us!

Yet the world constantly reminds us that we are broken and need fixing:

• Report cards: here’s your grade and where you fell short
• Commercials: here’s what’s wrong with you and how this product will fix it
• Feedback: here’s my “constructive criticism” to address your flaws

But if we start with the notion that we are perfect as we are, we could springboard from our strengths instead of flail from our flaws.

With “perfect as we are” as our anchor, we can eagerly and fearlessly seek suggestions, feedback, ideas, and input by asking ourselves and others:

“How can I improve from here?”

Without a need to protect our ego, we can welcome advice and perspectives, not as judgments or criticisms, but as contributions and building blocks – each block helping us to become bigger, better, bolder versions of ourselves… to be even more perfect.

So how do we find the “little improvement” that Suzuki recommends? Through a regular practice of:

• mentoring and being mentored
• reflecting on situations
• debriefing with colleagues
• attending classes and workshops
• reading (or listening to) a variety of books, podcasts
• collaborating
• using the words “Not yet”
• leading with curiosity

Now consider applying this concept while mentoring others: our mentees are perfect as they are, and they could use a little improvement.

Our job as a mentor is not to fix our mentees, but to add the building blocks that contribute to our mentees becoming bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves.

All by starting with perfect and improving from there…

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Informal and self-directed mentoring programs are like belonging to the library. Access to wisdom but no sense of urgency – the Library Effect.

The Library Effect threatens every learning opportunity we are offered.

Sally called me recently, frustrated by her sluggish mentoring program. When she launched her program, Sally granted her participants autonomy to create their individual mentoring journeys. Essentially, they can engage in mentoring whenever and however it works best for them. But now, despite the enormous interest in mentoring and a solid pool of mentors and mentees, very few people are connecting.

I said, “So I can join at any time? And connect with anyone?”

Sally proudly responded, “Yes!”

I said, “So it’s like going to the library. I can go whenever I want and learn anything, correct?”

She paused.

I continued, “Look. I love the library. I drive by it every day. But I don’t go. I don’t have any compelling reason to walk through the door. My library has nothing prompting me to show up, no sense of urgency. And no one cares whether I go or not.”

Sally was connecting the dots.

I said, “Now imagine an event scheduled at the library that I want to or agreed to attend. I would head to the library because I wouldn’t want to miss it. For instance, if my book club met weekly at the library, I would drive to the library each week on the date and time of the meeting. A clear structure and accountability would bolster my learning intentions.”

As program leaders, we can plan around the Library Effect. We can architect a framework that deliberately supports and drives participants’ desire to grow.

We all aspire to greatness, but as Colonel Tom Kolditz, head of the behavioral sciences division at Westpoint, observed, “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” And on the professional battlefield, the enemy consists of distractions and derailments, such as unexpected calls and requests, unpredictable meetings and technology.

Whether you are the program leader or a participant, adding structure and accountability to a learning opportunity like mentoring will help prioritize it in the face of the enemy.

When your intention meets structure and accountability, grab your library card!

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

“My husband has no problem calling people up and asking for advice. But I am not someone who speaks to strangers in the elevator. I’m a naturally shy person.

“I’d say, ‘Can I call you?’ and then I would. And I would say, ‘Have you ever dealt with this or that?’”

Jessica concluded that it’s all about being relentless!

While I am a fan, I disagree with Jessica. I can be relentless, but if I’m not intensely passionate about something, I don’t intentionally connect with and seek out help or advice from everyone I meet. Instead, I will enjoy the comfort of my comfort zone.

If I’m going to talk to strangers about a project, my heart needs to be pumping life into that project.

And when my heart is in, I’m all in! I will connect with strangers. I will ask for their advice. I will be relentless.

When I wrote my first book in 2007, I was obsessed [click to read Obsession Beats Talent]. I wrote every day before starting work. One morning I was boarding a plane, eager to work on my book uninterrupted. But I worried about the reclining power of the passenger in front of me. So, when she sat down, I shared my undertaking and offered her $20 not to move her seat back. She agreed but refused my money, excited to support my project.

And here’s the secret I discovered that day: I cared more about my goal than her judgment.

It was unabashed freedom.

One of the hardest things about running a mentoring program is not finding time or herding mentors. It’s getting people to identify a heart-pumping goal that will drive them to relentlessly connect and deliberately engage with someone they’ve just met.

Introvert. Extrovert. Omnivert. Ambivert. None of these hold us back from or propel us forward into connecting and collaborating with others.

It only matters whether our ambition is on a mission.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Jenna Rink: “Mom, do you have any regrets?”

Beverly Rink: “Well, Jenna, I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I don’t regret making any of them. Because if I hadn’t made them, I wouldn’t have learned how to make things right.” 

According to Dan Pink, author of The Power of Regret, regret makes us better. 

Reflecting on a situation, we compare what is to what might have been. Our desire to decrease this “if only!” feeling causes us to take responsibility for our choices – past and future.

Per Dan Pink, regret can:

1. Improve our going-forward decisions
2. Strengthen our perseverance
3. Bestow a more profound sense of meaning in our choice

But it comes from reflecting, not ruminating. Rumination doesn’t help us clarify and instruct. Reflection does.

Regret can activate us, but only if we see regret as an opportunity to shift that which we are ruminating about.

Fifteen years ago, I broke up with a close friend, Elaine. While planning her wedding, Elaine felt enormous stress and anxiety from her interloping family. Frustrated by my inability to stop them, I lectured Elaine repeatedly about standing up to her family. Instead of being her champion and sounding board, I judged and berated her. And I became another person Elaine had to manage, please, and ultimately avoid. 

Not surprisingly, we stopped talking after the wedding.  

At first, I ruminated, replaying our pre-wedding conversations in my head over and over again, deeply regretting my behavior. I failed as a friend.

When I finally reflected on my actions and accepted responsibility, I became determined to do better. I reconnected with Elaine and apologized for my lack of compassion and my relentless criticizing. Today, I am an intentional friend to Elaine. I practice kindness, exercise my listen-but-don’t-fix skills, and engage in criticism-free conversations.

Bottom line: embrace regrets, but only if you or your mentee are willing to do the work to grow. If not, then aim for no regrets.

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment,”
attributed to Will Rogers, Rita Mae Brown, and Mark Twain.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In one of my favorite scenes, Bo is ready to give up after his disappointing performance at a basketball showcase. But Stanley challenges him with tough love and mentoring:

“You have one bad day, and you’re ready to back down?

“Do you love this game? I mean, love it with your whole heart? If you don’t, let’s not even bother. 

“I love this game. I live this game. And there are 1,000 other guys waiting in the wings who are obsessed with this game. 

“Obsession is going to beat talent every time. You got all the talent in the world. But are you obsessed? Is it all you ever think about? Let’s face it. It’s you against you out there. Never back down.” 

Obsession beats talent!

Obsession has fueled every one of my adventures, experiences, and accomplishments. For example, the year I became obsessed with writing my first book, I worked on it every morning from 5:30-7:30 am for months, determined to have it published and displayed at Book Expo in NYC that summer. It consumed me! Like Stanley Sugerman, I loved it, and I lived it. Feeling unstoppable, I never backed down. [Click here to see my first book]

But when I’m not obsessed with anything, I can easily get derailed by my environment, overwhelmed with disparate goals, and defeated by insecurities.

So, how do we get obsessed with something?

We create it…

1. Creativity. Obsession is always born out of our dogged determination to create something new in our lives – an idea, a project, a product, a business, an experience, a skill, an improvement, an opportunity, a new job…

2. Clarity. Once we know what we’re creating, we can be clear and intentional about our time, activities, structure, plans, deadlines, routines, and habits.

3. Commitment. When we are obsessed, we commit, and when we commit, we persevere despite unforeseen circumstances, setbacks, and roadblocks.

4. Community. Our obsession is kindled when we recruit mentors, accountability partners, champions, and advocates to share the journey.

5. Courage. Inevitably our obsession will be challenged by doubters, naysayers, and critics. Courage fuels our tenacity.

Talent is respectable. Obsession is enviable.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In conversations, I often find myself listening for weakness and error. Secretly, I delight in finding flaws in other people’s assertions. And, as if I’m in a moot court competition, I launch in with a stronger argument to win the conversation!

But this approach doesn’t bode well for connecting and collaborating.

My interaction with Ashley taught me another approach. Ashley is a program leader evaluating her organization’s mentoring pilot to identify areas to improve before the program rollout. To that end, she interviewed me recently to ascertain my experience with this pilot.

Ashley then asked for my advice and ideas. With every suggestion I offered, Ashley asked clarifying questions until she understood my advice, and once she did, she responded genuinely with, “That makes sense.”

It was a refreshing exchange!

When Ashley communicated what I said made sense to her, she validated my contribution. But interestingly, I didn’t leave our conversation with any notion that she agreed with or accepted my ideas. Just that she acknowledged them.

Relationship guru Harville Hendrix teaches couples to use the phrase, “That makes sense,” because of its power to disarm and validate the other person while building trust.

“That makes sense” is like a bridge in the middle of a conversation.

It means I see your viewpoint, and I understand it. I’ve walked to the bridge, and I see what you see.

“That makes sense” is disarming because it conveys that I’ve surrendered my oral weapons, and I’m inviting you to meet me on that bridge.

That invitation builds and strengthens our trust.

If we are committed to engaging differently as mentors, mentees, and managers, we must challenge ourselves to reach that point in every conversation where we can sincerely say, “That makes sense.” However, this commitment requires we suspend any focus-to-fight mode and instead seek out another person’s point of view with earnest curiosity.

We don’t have to agree with that person’s view, adopt their ideas, or change our opinion.

We just have to strive to see what they see. And that makes sense.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Grisham has written over 50 books, which have sold over 350 million copies worldwide. Unsurprisingly, he has developed a writing habit of 1,000 words a day.

Reflecting on his career, Grisham shared the following insight during his interview:

“When I start a book, I have a very good outline. You can waste a lot of time if you don’t know where you’re going. If you know where you’re going, it’s hard to get lost.”

Marvelous life advice! We aren’t so easily distracted or derailed when we know where we’re heading. 

Grisham continued, “One of my rules of writing: don’t write the first scene until you know the last scene. I know the last scene before I start. I always know where I’m going [with a story]. If you know the ending, you know what’s next. It’s hard to stare at the screen and not do anything; you [feel compelled] to get there.”

Applying Grisham’s advice doesn’t mean writing the last scene of your life; it means establishing the final scene of a goal. Understand how you want an adventure to end before allowing the trek to unfold. Identify the finish line.

Now let’s apply Grisham’s writing approach to mentoring. Some people go into mentoring without a specific goal, and they flounder.

Conversely, those who envision a goal’s completion will enthusiastically share that target with a mentor. And because the mentor agreed to guide, advise, and encourage, that clear destination gives purpose to their mentoring conversations. 

Determining how the voyage ends creates a sense of urgency to start the journey. Not someday. Now. An alluring conclusion sparks excitement to take action immediately.

Every juicy, audacious, jump-out-of-bed-early goal I’ve ever accomplished – from taking the bar exam to authoring a book to cycling across the country – had a clear destination… the last scene. And this drove me to deliberately connect, move, discover, and grow throughout each experience.

Know the last scene, and it will entice you down the entire path.

© 2022. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.