Search Results for: Not for me

“I called up Bill Hewlett when I was a kid. ‘Hi, I’m Steve Jobs. I’m 14 years old. I’m a student in high school. I want to build a frequency counter, and I was wondering if you have any spare parts I could have.’

“He laughed, gave me the spare parts, and gave me a job that summer at Hewlett-Packard… and I was in heaven.

“Most people never ask, and that’s what separates those who do from those who dream.”

What’s behind help hesitation?

• Asking for help feels vulnerable.
• We overestimate the likelihood that we will be rejected.
• We dread appearing incompetent, weak, or inferior.
• We avoid bothering or inconveniencing others.
• We don’t want to relinquish control and independence.

But studies show that when you ask for help, the other person feels:

1. Admiration: you clearly care more about results than the opinions of others
2. Respected and appreciated: you chose them to help
3. Connected: you trust them enough to share your vulnerabilities
4. Happy: people feel joy doing acts of kindness
5. Engaged: they are working with you on a shared goal (getting you the help you need)

3 steps to confidently ask for help:

1. Context: Share your story – why you need help.

1. Choice: Invite them to make a difference. “Could I ask you a favor?” “Would you be able to help me?”

1. Craving: Describe what you need: “I want some advice.” “I need an introduction.” “I could use some ideas.”

On an airplane once, I had the following exchange with the passenger in front of me:

Me: “I’m finally writing my first book, and I’ve been looking forward to this time on the plane to work on it.”
Passenger: “Exciting!”
Me: “Could I ask you a favor?” 
Passenger: “Sure!”
Me: “I need space to type on my computer. Would you kindly not recline your seat?”
Passenger: “Happy to help!”

She instantly felt respected, appreciated, and engaged. And my request allowed her to do an act of kindness for me, which made her feel good about herself.

When we inspire people with a story, give them a choice, and invite them to make a difference, they feel compelled to contribute to our success.

Just ask.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

In his new documentary, Still, Michael reveals his experiences learning to live with this incurable disease. As his disease has progressed, Michael’s worsened condition makes even walking a challenge.

An early scene in the documentary shows him on a sidewalk in New York City with his aide. When a pedestrian wishes him, “Good morning, Mr. Fox!” he responds, “Hello,” then stumbles and falls.

Immediately, he says to himself, “And that happened.” He then jokingly proclaims to the pedestrian, “Look at that! I fell for you!”

Instead of expressing disgust, frustration, or embarrassment, Michael’s emotionally intelligent response cued him to keep perspective and persevere.

The challenge with emotional intelligence is that we are rarely intelligent when we feel emotional.

Coined by author Daniel Goleman, an “amygdala hijack” occurs when our brain’s emotion-producing amygdala gets activated by a potential threat, and we react emotionally, even irrationally.

In the grip of an amygdala hijack, our rational brain has no time to assess a situation and choose an appropriate response.

Instead, our immediate, overwhelming reaction often causes an altercation… unless the other person stops their amygdala from being hijacked.

How can we thwart an amygdala hijack? By self-regulating our emotions with rules.  

1. Self-Assess: notice what situations feel threatening
2. Create a Rule: create a rule for that situation

We all self-regulate with rules. For example, most of us operate with this rule: “When someone is uncivil or offensive, don’t punch them in the face.”

Without rules, we are at the mercy of our emotions and the inevitable mess those emotions create.

Here are some rules I have adopted (with age and wisdom):

• When someone tailgates me, move to the right, and let them pass.
• When someone rudely talks over me, stop talking (and don’t roll my eyes).
• When someone is negative, use “yes, and” (instead of “yes, but”).
• When someone sends me a disrespectful email or text, don’t immediately respond.

By referring to a rule instead of an emotion, I can de-escalate any threat my amygdala perceives and respond thoughtfully.

And now I have a new rule: Whenever I misstep (literally or figuratively), say, ‘And that happened,’ and keep moving.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

An ugly trend of hostility directed at umpires has recently caused many volunteers to quit.

The Little League officials in Deptford Township, New Jersey, felt compelled to act.

But instead of penalizing a parent, they devised an unconventional solution to decrease the animosity and increase the empathy for umpires: make the parent umpire a game.

Insubordinate parents will walk in the umpire’s proverbial shoes – “shoe-shifting.”

According to the town’s new Little League rule, if a parent or spectator fights with an umpire, they must volunteer to officiate for at least three upcoming games.

“You’re not allowed to come onto our complex until you complete three umpire assignments. Once you do that, we’ll let you return,” explained Deptford Township Little League President Don Bozzuffi.

When parents discover what it’s like to be an umpire, they will be more inclined to shift their behavior back in the stands.

Many leaders are similarly expanding their perspective through shoe-shifting experiences:

• Uber CEO, Dara Khosrowshahi, completed 100 rides and deliveries as an undercover Uber driver to understand and address the issues with their driver’s app.
• Committed to staying connected with the company’s culture, customers, and employees, the new CEO of Starbucks, Laxman Narasimhan, earned a barista certification and announced his plan to work as a barista a half day per month.
• Hyatt Hotel Corporation launched “Hyatt in Touch Day” in 1989, a yearly ritual in which they dispatch corporate employees to Hyatt hotels around the country to join the staff and work the hotel.
• CEO of 7-Eleven, Joe DePinto, went undercover as a store clerk for a week to discover the people who serve the customers. Through this adventure, he uncovered many opportunities to improve the stores and invest in employees.

What is the benefit of shoe-shifting? Empathic intelligence – a way of understanding how others experience the world.

Observing a situation from another’s perspective is immeasurably valuable, allowing us to relate better, validate their experience, and glean insights.

Ultimately, shoe-shifting strengthens our compassion and makes us better human beings.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

The next day the Packers beat the Steelers 31-25. But Coach McCarthy wasn’t being presumptuous or predicting the win. He was merely influencing it.

Linebacker A.J. Hawk reflected on the experience, “It made things real for us.”

Of course, it did! By fitting his team for championship rings, Coach McCarthy communicated his belief in his players – he deemed them “ready to win the big game.”

And because the Packers respected and admired their coach, they were influenced by his labeling – they internalized the “champion” label and acted accordingly.

Green Bay Packers guard Daryn Colledge said of the ring-fitting exercise, “It just set that mental mindset that we’ve got to go out there, and we’ve got something to accomplish.”

Coach McCarthy was leveraging the Pygmalion effect, in which high expectations lead to improved performance. 

According to this psychological phenomenon, when we brand people with a positive label, they will embrace that label and then mirror the expectations we have for them (assuming they respect and admire us). They literally take on the characteristics of that brand or the label.

The Packers emulated Coach McCarthy’s expectations of them with their Super-Bowl-winning actions.

Similarly, as a mentor, we are uniquely positioned to influence our mentee using labels. Once we have established a foundation of trust and respect, we can strategically leverage a label such as “leader,” “specialist,” or “innovator.” We can then demonstrate our belief in this elevated view of our mentee through opportunities, connections, and sponsorships.

And as our mentee acts out the aspiring label, it becomes self-perpetuating – soon they reinforce and reaffirm that label with their behaviors, decisions, actions, and success.

Unsurprisingly, “improved confidence” is among the most touted results mentees share at the conclusion of their mentoring programs.

All because their mentors treat them not as they are but as they could become.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Unlike my other dogs, who joined our family as puppies, Ollie comes to us burdened by her previous experiences with humans. Unfortunately, these scars are impacting her experience with us.

She’s vigilantly watching to determine if her new environment is safe or dangerous. Whenever I move quickly in the house, drop something accidentally, or laugh too loudly, she startles, cowers cautiously, and paces.

And I can’t help but wonder what happened to her to cause such fear.

Ollie doesn’t entirely trust us yet. But we are slowly earning it through our consistent and caring actions.

In the meantime, we are paying for the sins of her prior owner.

Similarly, when someone joins a team, we pay for the sins of their prior boss. If their previous boss regularly controlled, berated, embarrassed, judged, criticized, or ignored them, they will expect that we – the new boss – will behave similarly. And their guard will be up.

Like my rescued dog Ollie, they are projecting onto us their not-so-kind experiences with other humans. (This “psychological projection” might explain one survey which revealed that 58% of people trust strangers more than their boss.)

If we want to earn their trust, we must demonstrate our trustworthiness. We can start with mentoring questions:

• Tell me about your last boss – what worked well?
• What didn’t? What would you like me to do differently?
• What can I do to support your success each day/week?
• Where are you headed next in your career? What do you aspire to do after this role?
• What can I do to help prepare you for that?

Questions communicate our curiosity; actions based on that conversation demonstrate our commitment.

Why is trust imperative? Just as I can’t help Ollie if I can’t get close to her, we can’t help our team members or mentees if we can’t get close to them. And without a foundation of trust, they certainly don’t care if they help us.

We pay for the sins of prior bosses with an unshakable commitment to trust. Auspiciously, that makes us better leaders, mentors, and human beings.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

And in response, many mentees cringe, wince, scowl, and occasionally glare.

Why? How did “goal” become a 4-letter word?

1. Setting goals is confronting, a reminder that we are responsible for creating our path forward.

2. A goal can feel like another project.  

3. Goals often emphasize what’s wrong instead of amplifying what’s right.

4. We tend to want to change that which we cannot.

Katy Milkman, author of How to Change, distinguishes:

• Hard Goals: attempting to change circumstances outside our control, like weather, time, people, traffic, and politics.
• Smarter Goals: augmenting our strengths, skills, capabilities, emotional acumen, and experiences.

5. We neglect our emotional connection to change.

When asked to set a goal, people instinctively focus on what they lack (ex: a title, a raise, a degree, a skill, an accomplishment, a network).

At the same time, they’re typically content with their lacking – they’ve learned to live with the insufficiency for now, forfeiting any urgency to change.

Fueled by Feelings
Instead, focus on how you want to feel (ex: confident, competent, strategic, connected, triumph, healthier, engaged, calm, joyful).

This emotional connection fuels change… your ambition is on a mission.

Finding Emotional Fuel
Non-fiction authors use the following formula to architect the framework for a compelling book:

1. What do people struggle with?
2. What will it take for them to stop being frustrated? 
3. How do they want to feel?
4. What questions will they have that I can answer in this book?
5. Why is this so important to them?

Apply this same formula to identify your emotionally-fueled goal:

1. What do I struggle with / what frustrates me?
2. What will it take for me to stop being frustrated? 
3. What do I want to be different? How do I want to feel?
4. What questions will I have going from point A to point B? (Save these for your mentor)
5. Why is this so important to me? 

And when it’s significant to you, it becomes significant to your mentor.

Goals are imperative. But your ambition on a mission is riveting.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

“People come on my show to sell something. I know how much effort goes into [that thing]. For example, they do a movie that takes four months to shoot and two months to sell. So, I’m rooting for them.”

Why does Fallon root for his guests?

• It strengthens his relationships with them.
• It boosts their confidence – and his.
• It’s humanity in action.

Let’s dissect this simple but powerful way we champion others.

“I’m rooting for you!” doesn’t mean we want or need the person to win. Instead, it communicates that we are in the proverbial stands, cheering them on, bearing witness to their performance.

Rooting leaves the outcome open, eliminating the pressure of perfection and forgiving any failures.

So, what sparks our desire to root for others? We are inclined to cheer for people who:

• take initiative and action
• are determined and tenacious
• follow their beliefs with conviction
• are resilient, undeterred by obstacles and setbacks

Interestingly, we don’t care if they demonstrate confidence, clarity, or even a plan. Instead, we prefer those in discovery, insatiably seeking advice, insights, and ideas. 

We look for people who act not with arrogance but with intention, moving forward in the face of fear.

But there’s a secret to rooting for people: we must surrender our judgment.

Why? Because it’s impossible to root for someone and simultaneously judge their journey. Our opinion about their project, passion, or path is irrelevant if we are committed to cheering.

This impartiality underpins mentoring, making it a profoundly generous way to root for others.

Mentors:

• listen and encourage: You’ve got this!
• guide and advise: How can I help?
• connect and contribute: I have an idea!

And they do so no matter the outcome.

My niece is swimming in the state championships this weekend. I called to wish her luck, which suddenly felt silly. She doesn’t need luck – she’s been preparing for years. So, I quickly corrected myself, “I won’t be there, but I’m rooting for you!” She beamed because she knows I’m one of her biggest fans, in spite of, not because of, her success.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.

Oooh… that intrigued me at 6 am!

Ordinarily, I presume external factors cause joy. For example, “This person/place/thing brings me joy!”

But that means I am constantly at the mercy of outside forces, waiting for someone or something to generate my feelings of happiness, delight, appreciation, and exceptional satisfaction.

What if I generated the feeling of joy? What if I intentionally chose to create happiness, regardless of people, places, and things?

I decided to experiment with that notion throughout the day.

When I walked into the gym that morning, I was distracted, concerned about a text message I had just received – a situation I could not control.

When a friend asked me if I was OK, I paused, about to drama share.

And then I remembered the invitation to “choose joy!” 

What would that entail? Pretend everything is fine? Ignore reality? Fake it until I feel it?

No, I discovered it’s simpler than that. Choosing joy involves focusing on, creating, and appreciating the moment we are in. Not allowing our experience to be dictated or derailed by circumstances outside our control.

So, I expressed to my friend genuinely, “I’m happy I made it!” And I proceeded to enjoy my workout.

It felt like a commercial break during a television drama.

Of course, the drama had not dissolved – I had merely paused it. As soon as I left the gym, my phone flooded with text messages.

Later, when I attended a Zoom meeting, I chose joy. Again, I halted my upset and concern by focusing on my clients and the conversation, intentionally creating the interaction and productively moving the project forward.

With each connection, phone call, and meeting, I deployed “choose joy!” I even chose joy after I caused a spectacular error… I resolved to learn something and laugh about it instead of fixate and self-flagellate.

By choosing joy all day, I created my experience. I controlled what I could control – my attitude, my responses, and my engagement.

When one of my clients suggested, “You are probably super busy, so I won’t take much of your time.” I responded deliberately, “This is the most important conversation I am having right now.” She smiled gratefully.

While I cannot control people, places, and things, I can influence them with my joy. But only if I choose joy first.

© 2023. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com. All Rights Reserved.