Search Results for: Not for me

In 1999 I jumped out of an airplane and I quit a great job. Why?

• I was not afraid to go skydiving
• But I was afraid to confront my boss (so I left the company instead)

How could I be fearless and fearful at the same time?

Marketing guru Robert Middleton said it best: Fearlessness is not a place to get to. It’s a place to come from.

• I came from fearlessness when I strapped that parachute on my back.
• I came from fear when needing a difficult conversation with my boss.

Makes sense. Fear is designed to protect us against disappointments and failures that we’ve experienced in the past.

I had never jumped out of an airplane so I didn’t need protection from past disappointments and failures that involved a parachute.

But I had struggled with “difficult conversations” in the past, so from my perspective that seemed scarier that jumping out of an airplane.

Which explains why kids approach many situations fearlessly… They aren’t carrying around decades of disappointments and failures.

So how can we (adults!) come from fearlessness instead of fear?

Purposeful Practice.

• Focus on past triumphs; downgrade past failures
• Talk to Mentors for fresh perspectives and advice on the situation
• Study role models
• Experiment with a pilot, a trial, a test (“Hey boss, I’m piloting a new conversation with you. Let me know what you think!”)
• Find something to want so badly that fear becomes irrelevant

Even Olympic Gold Swimmer Michael Phelps admits he was afraid to put his face in the water when he was seven. But then he came from fearlessness and his journey to greatness sparked.

Insights, learnings, and even good stories emerge when we walk out of our comfort zone and into an adventure. Fear be damned.

It’s the beginning of January – the time we all pledge to a “new you in the new year!”

The top New Year’s Resolutions for 2018 (as compiled by YouGov, a polling firm) include:

• Eat better
• Exercise more
• Spend less money
• Self-care
• Read more books
• Learn a new skill
• Get a new job
• Find a new hobby
• Focus more on appearance
• Focus on relationship
• Cut down on cigarettes/alcohol
• Go on more dates
• Focus less on appearance

But researchers at University of Scranton suggest that only 8% of people actually stick with their New Year’s Resolutions. yikes…

So, what’s the issue? Too many, too lofty, no accountability? All of it.

Essentially we have resolutions, but not solutions. We have aspirations, but not action. And as a result, we have transactions, but not transformation.

Solutions have the power to shift our aspiration to action.

Solutions require 3 things:

1. Trust: we need to trust ourselves and find others we trust to support us through change (like a coach or a mentor)

2. Goals: we need specific, actionable goals with clear measures of success

3. Structure: we need a structure that will dictate action (even when we don’t feel like it)

What do solutions look like?

• Shopping for and preparing a week of healthy meals
• Hiring a trainer or recruiting a fitness partner to meet you at the gym
• Creating a budget and documenting daily spending for 6 months
• Joining a yearlong book club
• Enrolling in a class to learn a new language or other skill
• Buying a journal to track progress
• Registering for a formal mentoring program or a coaching circle

We don’t need a calendar change to implement new solutions. We just need more intentional commitments and less perfunctory pledges.

Here’s to a year brimming with solutions!

I came across the following flowchart suggesting a refreshing response to various holiday greetings:

When someone wishes you…

• Merry Christmas… and you are Christian or not Christian
• Happy Hanukkah… and you are Jewish or not Jewish
• Happy Kwanza… and you are African-American or not African-American
• Season’s Greetings… and you are agoraphobic or not agoraphobic
• Happy Holidays… and you are religious or not religious
• Happy New Year… and you are good with dates or bad with dates

There is only one response: “Thank you! Same to you!”

(Credit: https://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/55t0fh/how_to_respond_to_holiday_greetings_as_a_flow/)

The simplicity of this is actually profound: Meet people where they are, not where we are.

Understandably we project onto others an expectation to know us well enough to offer an appropriate holiday wish. But that’s not always practical or possible.

So when it feels like others are pushing their perspectives or beliefs on us, consider that they’re just showing up as they are.

But when we express outrage or insult, we are just making it about us. Being offended when offense was not intended is merely a waste of our time and energy.

Instead of getting caught up in the specific words or the correct expression, let’s just assume good intent behind the holiday well-wishing, and move on.

My friend Britt sent me this quote on her holiday card:

In the end, only three things matter most:

1. How much did you love?
2. How fully did you live?
3. How quickly did you let go?

As the end of 2018 approaches and I assess my success against those three areas, I feel I’ve got the “love much” and “live fully” things down.

It’s the “let it go quickly” thing that I’ll be working on in 2019. And I’m going to start by practicing with holiday greetings!

Merry Holidays and Happy Everything!

I purchased a power cord on Amazon recently, and the retailer, Hercules Power, sent me an email to check on my experience:

1. Goals: anchor feedback to a goal
2. Actions: point to an action you noticed
3. Impact: does the action contribute to or contaminate that goal?

Example:

1. “I know you want to lead the next team.”
2. “I noticed that you have been working late every night on that project while the rest of the team goes home.”
3. “Leading a team requires learning how to delegate.”

When we give feedback without referencing someone’s goal, the conversation lacks context – the why we are giving them feedback.

And without context, people usually default to the defensive. So feedback doesn’t have a chance of feeding success.

With Feedback that Feeds, we are anchoring our conversation on what’s important to them (their goal!), which creates instant partnership vs. dreaded confrontation.

Down with constructive criticism! Up with feedback that feeds success!

Author A.J. Jacobs captures his commitment to becoming more grateful in his new book A Thousand Thanks.

He created a gratitude adventure by tracing the journey of his morning coffee in order to thank every person who played a role in it. His commitment took him around the globe resulting in new perspectives, friendships, generosity, and happiness.

Jacobs confirmed the research: a conscious focus on blessings generates a heightened well-being… gratitude improves our emotional and physical state!

Ultimately, happiness depends on gratitude. Gratitude does not depend on happiness.

7 Gratitude Practices

1. Gratitude Speak: “Thanks!” has become somewhat routine. Try incorporating “I’m grateful for… [your work on the project, your idea, your help]”

2. Gratitude in Moments: Seek gratitude in moments, even frustrating ones. Example: I’m grateful the traffic is taking so long because it’s allowing me to notice the colorful trees.

3. Gratitude Journal: Studies suggest that making a gratitude list 3x/week might be more impactful than daily journaling, because we tend to become numb to the normal.

4. Gratitude Partners: Share gratitude lists with a partner to strengthen the experience and create accountability.

5. Gratitude through Senses: When you touch your fork, pause and be grateful for the food you’re about to eat; when you see snow, pause and be grateful for the beauty of nature.

6. Gratitude for the Normal: Everything we take for granted could vanish without warning, as evidenced by recent fires, hurricanes, floods, shootings, and car accidents. When we see tragedy in the news, pause and be grateful for the normalities we take for granted.

7. Gratitude Alphabet: A.J. Jacobs falls asleep by naming a gratitude for each letter of the alphabet. (Admittedly, he rarely gets past G before he’s snoring.)

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m grateful for your readership and your encouraging comments, contributions, and connections week after week.

According to the I Ching… before the beginning of great brilliance, there must be chaos.

And that describes the International Balloon Fiesta in Albuquerque, NM, the largest celebration of hot air ballooning.

It was 5:00AM when we entered Balloon Fiesta Park with thousands of people from around the world. We immediately walked to the field to secure a spot on the sidelines, ready to witness the show.

Shortly thereafter, hundreds of balloon vehicles drove onto the field to set up in the dark.

And then a strange thing happened… the massive crowd started flooding the field, ignoring the sidelines and the lack of lights, paths, or markings.

We quickly ditched our seats to join them. As we walked through the field, crews were unpacking balloon baskets, unfolding balloon bags (called “envelopes”), checking wires, testing propane equipment, and inflating balloons (first on their side before they are lifted to a standing position).

It was mass chaos... 100,000 people, 500 horizontal hot air balloons inflating, flammable propane cylinders, and the darkness of dawn.

But out of that chaos came brilliance.

The crews worked around us without complaint. The crowd ebbed and flowed around the crews and the inflating balloons. And everyone cheered as each balloon ascended into the air.

Arguably we should have been confined to the sidelines for safety and security reasons. And even observing from afar would have been beautiful. But it would not have allowed for the amazing experience of standing amongst hot air balloons as they came to life and defied gravity.

Being on the field in the middle of the mass ascension seemingly without any order had me wondering if it was done by design…

…as if to remind us that in the moments of chaos in our lives, we must trust that brilliance will follow.

I’ve been inhaling Alan Alda’s book, If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?

Besides having an irreverent title, it’s a valuable book on relating and communicating.

In it Alan Alda proposes two game-changing concepts to help us bridge the ever-increasing chasm between people who attempt to communicate with each other:

1. It’s not your job to understand me.
Essentially, if I’m communicating information, I am responsible for making sure you understand it. If I tell you something without ensuring that you got it (received it and understood it), then I didn’t really communicate.

Bottom line… I am 100% responsible for my communications.

As such, I need to ensure that…

• I am not mumbling or talking too fast
• I write clearly and without assumptions
• I am able to synthesize information (remember: start with bullets!)
• You have the requisite context for the topic
• You understand any lingo, jargon, or acronyms I choose to use
• My email, text, IM, memo, tweet, or letter actually made it to you

As the speaker, it is my job to make sure you follow. It is not your job to catch up.

2. Unless I’m willing to be changed by you, I’m probably not really listening.
   Real communication does not occur if I’m simply waiting for my turn to talk.I need to approach the conversation like an improv exercise.

   This requires me to:

• Suspend what I already know about the topic
• Let go of what I expect to happen in our exchange
• Stay present (not mind-wander or text)
• Be eager to discover where you take the conversation with your contribution

Ultimately, we get to create conversation together.

Imagine the shift in discourse at work and in life if we approached each other with these two simple, yet powerful principles of communication.