Search Results for: Not for me

“The way we do anything is the way we do everything.”  ~ attributed to Martha Beck and Iyanla Vanzant,
each writers and television personalities

In other words, how we operate in one situation is typically indicative of how we act in other situations. Essentially people reveal themselves through their actions. 

And this is particularly apparent in mentoring.

In my most successful leadership mentoring programs, I incorporate a Mid-Point Presentation in which each Mentee presents a synthesis of their project, progress, and learnings to date.

Why? Because the Mid-Point invariably separates those in action from those stuck in aspiration.

Unfailingly right before the presentations, I get an email from someone bearing an excuse: “I’m just too busy!” “This is not for me.” “I need more time.” “My mentor hasn’t responded.” “My mentee never reached out.”

While I never force anyone to continue the program, I do suggest, without judgment, “The way we do mentoring is the way we do everything.”

And then I explain that transformation happens when you identify your patterns:

• Is procrastination a common theme for you?
• Do you have trouble holding people accountable?
• Do you tend to commit but fail to execute?
• Are you stuck in other areas in your life?
• Do you tend to avoid confrontation with others?
• Do you typically get overwhelmed?
• Are you struggling to create/execute goals in other areas of your life? Do you struggle helping others create/execute their goals?
• Do you lack clarity, initiative, or perseverance elsewhere?

We show up in mentoring the same way we show up in our jobs and in our lives.

Auspiciously, mentoring offers us an invaluable opportunity to see our blindspots and notice patterns of sabotaging behaviors.

Only then can we choose to continue or change our actions and ultimately our results.

Every morning my dogs wake me at 5:00am by licking my face energetically. We then walk one mile before the chaos of the day begins. To me, it’s joyful.

But does joy matter to our success?

According to Professor Barbara Fredrickson, a leading positive psychology scholar and researcher, it does.

Her Broaden and Build Theory argues that experiencing positive emotions (joy, interest, contentment, pride, and love):

• Broadens our perspective, allowing us to see possibilities
• Builds our resources and resilience needed to handle future challenges

Conversely, when we experience negative emotions (anxiety, sadness, anger, despair), our focus narrows, potential darkens, and we resort to habitual thinking, acting, judging, criticizing, and blaming.

Makes sense. If we’re worried or upset, we’re not looking for what’s possible. We’re shutting down, focused entirely on surviving the moment.

But when we’re feeling positive, we’re eager to learn, explore, and expand.

• From joy, we play, push the limits, act creatively, innovate
• From interest, we inquire, discuss, seek new information and experiences, grow and develop, collaborate
• From contentment, we appreciate life’s circumstances, incorporating them into our world-view
• From pride, we share about our achievements and then envision future achievements
• From love, we seek social connections

But it’s not about being positive or thinking positively. It’s about intentionally cultivating positive emotions in order to flourish at work and in life.

How? By doing that which brings us joy, interest, contentment, pride, and love

• for Joy: hobbies, games, adventures, sports, music, animals
• for Interest: books, classes, museums, travel, volunteering, mentoring
• for Contentment: a gratitude journal, meditation, yoga
• for Pride: talk about achievements, awards, and future plans
• for Love: spend time with family, friends, colleagues doing any of the above

Ultimately, positivity is a strength, a skill we can develop and prioritize, like a leadership competency.

My favorite part of long holiday weekends is the freedom to relish a good book.

According to research, even short sessions of reading fiction improve our understanding of other human beings (which makes us better leaders!)

But I find weeding through the massive selection of books available to be a daunting exercise.

So I established my Fiction Filter – my own set of rules to identify fiction books that are worth my time and attention:

• 4.5-5 stars on Amazon rated by thousands of readers (I trust the tribe that reads before me)
• No books where animals are hurt or killed (enough said)
• No WWII books (I’ve reached my lifetime capacity for reading about that war)
• No lazy editing (no meandering, verbosity, predictability, or inconsistencies)
• Feel-good, uplifting, soul-filling (I get great satisfaction from a happy ending!)
• Perspective-shifting, introducing different cultures or eras (one reason I read)
• Strong recommendations from other voracious readers (like my mom!)

I actually find great success in using filters to weed through many of life’s overwhelming choices: movies, TV shows, activities, food, websites, and even conversations. Not everything deserves our limited time and attention!

So if you want to sink your teeth into delicious fiction this holiday, I offer you my list of recent favorites:

1. Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine (by Gail Honeyman)
2. Where’d You Go Bernadette? (by Maria Semple)
3. The Storyteller’s Secret (by Sejal Banani)
4. Extraordinary Life of Sam Hell (by Robert Dugoni)
5. This is How it Always Is (by Laurie Frankel)
6. The Last Mrs. Parrish (by Liz Constantine)
7. The Alice Network (by Kate Quinn)
8. The Sense of an Ending (by Julian Barnes)
9. The Silent Patient (by Alex Michaelides)
10. The Invention of Wings (by Sue Monk Kidd)

Happy Reading and Happy 4th of July!

ps. I’m always looking for entertaining fiction, thought-provoking non-fiction, or inspirational memoirs, so send me your recommendations!

Since rescuing my second dog, I’ve been watching Cesar Millan’s show Dog Whisperer to learn how to manage an additional 65 pounds of fur in my house.

On a recent episode, Cesar was scolding his client, “Dogs need leaders who love, not lovers who lead.” 

So do people! Whether we are the boss, a parent, or both, our people are also best served when we are leaders who love, not lovers who lead.

While they desire a trusting relationship sprinkled with fun and frivolity, our people also crave our leadership, to direct the way while also challenging them to become bigger, better, bolder versions of themselves.

Which one are you?

A Leader who Loves…

1. Communicates a vision for the future that emboldens others
2. Respects and is respected
3. Makes decisions after involving appropriate parties
4. Holds people accountable to their commitments
5. Offers opportunities to challenge and develop others
6. Listens to understand
7. Empowers and expects people to solve their own problems
8. Communicates with radical candor
9. Takes action unapologetically
10. Mentors their people

A Lover who Leads…

1. Lacks clear direction, challenged to identify (or drive) the important in the chaos of the urgent
2. Wants to be liked
3. Struggles to make decisions that impact others
4. Avoids difficult conversations and confrontations
5. Fears delegating, because it might be seen as dumping
6. Listens to fix problems
7. Rescues people
8. Avoids giving feedback to avert the potential of hurt feelings
9. Apologizes while taking action or disagreeing
10. Befriends people (doesn’t feel confident mentoring them)

Steve Jobs once said, “If you want to make people happy, don’t be a leader. Sell ice cream.” (And if he had been talking about my dogs, he would have said, “Give lots of treats.”) 

Recently clients have asked me the following questions:

• How can we prevent harmful Mentors from destroying our program?
• How do we ensure the honest motive of our Mentors?
• What should we do if dreadful Mentors get into the program?

My response: There are no evil Mentors.

I’ve worked with Mentors for almost 20 years, and I’ve never met one determined to ruin a Mentee.

Disgruntled people don’t sign up to be Mentors. It’s discordant to be disengaged and engaged simultaneously. Even when these people are volun-told to be Mentors, they typically find an excuse to escape.

No one joins a mentoring program intent on destroying the program or a Mentee. People participate because they want to contribute, not contaminate.

Could they fumble, fluster, and flail and even express their frustration about the program and/or their experience? Sure! Because being a Mentor is as much a development experience for Mentors as it is for Mentees.

Here’s the secret: people learn how to mentor others when they actually start mentoring others.

Sadly, most people cower from the challenge because they feel inexperienced, untrained, and unprepared to mentor others. Understandably, they don’t want to fail. But Mentees can be very forgiving when Mentors demonstrate authenticity and perseverance.

A senior leader once admitted, “I would love to mentor, but I don’t know how.” While his vulnerability was refreshing (…most people just say, “I’m too busy!”) it was a missed opportunity for him and the organization!

How can we rouse people to courageously mentor others?

• Model it
• Offer mentor training
• Encourage practice
• Frame it as development – it’s an essential leadership skill!
• Launch mentoring programs
• Nominate people to be mentors
• Share mentoring resources and articles
• Applaud people who mentor others

There are no evil mentors. Just inexperienced people who want to make a difference.

In 1989 college senior Wendy Kopp wrote her senior thesis proposing a national teaching corps to recruit college grads to teach in underserved schools. To launch Teach for America she needed money. She knew that successful businessman Ross Perot was passionate about public education and could fund her idea.

Wendy wrote Perot 11 letters before he finally called her. She pitched her vision and he gave her $500,000. Today Teach for America has a $300 million budget and 50,000 alumni.

Most people would have concluded Perot was disinterested, and then start to doubt themselves.

But Wendy’s perseverance demonstrates the power of separating ourselves from other people’s actions.

The secret is to ask, “What about this is about me?”

What about Perot’s initial lack of response was about Wendy personally? Nothing. Perhaps he didn’t receive the letters, got busy or distracted, was confused about the value, needed more information, or was stuck under a rock.

We tend to assume there’s something wrong with us rather than assume there’s something wrong with the other person or the situation… or nothing wrong at all!

Consider all the situations where we could instantly apply “What-about-this-is-about me?”

• Lousy customer service
• Aggressive drivers
• Bad bosses
• Ridiculous company policies
• Opposing political or religious views
• Rude, unkind people
• ”No!”

None of that is about us personally. And yet we often act like it’s a personal affront, triggering our defensiveness, frustration, or resignation.

What-about-this-is-about-me? can break the proverbial chains that stop us from operating with excellence and pursuing our passions. 

Wendy Kopp was so determined to launch Teach for America that she deemed everyone’s response as informational, not judgmental.

Once we stop making it (other people’s behavior) about us, we will find interesting experiences, valuable information, and insights.